Rabbit Punch

[Pilgrim]

TOTAL NONSENSE!

The Cast, in case you don't know the movie:

When she awoke, the first thing she felt was the cold. Biting, freezing cold. She couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t open her eyes. She was frozen, she could feel her body shutting down, drifting away into the cold blank darkness.

And then something in her screamed for her to fight.

So she fought.

She burst out from underneath the cold water, katana drawn, pistol in hand, trying desperately to see through the cold. She was surrounded by soldiers, humans or machines she couldn’t tell, clad all in white and black armor from head to toe. They were wielding huge spears and clubs, and were circling in on her. She felt that they wanted to bring her back down into the cold, into the darkness. In seconds, the two closest to her lost their heads to one stroke. Another strike dismembered a third as it raised its weapon against her. She continued striking them, throwing her whole body into every slash, not allowing them to land a single hit. She didn’t know how long she fought them for. She just kept cutting and cutting until they were all cut down. When the last one finally fell she stopped and stood still in the knee-high water to catch her breath, shivering from cold and adrenaline. She wiped her nose on the back of her hand, then wiped her forehead with the front of it, and made her way out of the lake. She didn’t know where she was. She couldn’t even remember where she came from. But she knew she had to find the others.

And as the sound of gunfire echoed out from somewhere in the surrounding forest, she knew they wouldn’t be hard to find.

Babydoll emerged from the trees into a clearing where Amber, Rocket, and Sweet Pea were all in close-quarters combat with more of the soldiers. From an outside perspective, Babydoll noticed for the first time that they all had the symbols of either “Spades” or “Clubs” emblazoned on their armor, along with a number. In the instant it took to process this information, she’d leapt into battle while whirling through the air, her blade cutting through a number of soldiers who had their backs turned to her.

“About time you got here, Babydoll!” Rocket shouted over gunfire.

“Where’s Blondie?”

“Some vine thing grabbed her a little while ago, pulled her deeper into the forest. We’ve been trying to get rid of these guys so we can go after her, but they just keep coming!” Amber called as she took careful aim with her handgun, unloading its clip on another pair of soldiers emerging from the underbrush.

“Then I’ll go after her. Point me!”

Sweet Pea turned her assault rifle on the soldiers blocking Babydoll’s path through the clearing to the other side, where there was a small gab in the forest. “Good luck!”

She dashed forward, firing shots off at soldiers she rushed past as she went. It didn’t take long for her to find Blondie once she was out of the clearing; she was standing in the center of a grove of enormous flowers while more soldiers gathered around her. Though her eyes were streaming and she was doubled over from sneezing, she continued fighting nonetheless. She was swinging her hatchet at them wildly with one hand and firing with her submachine gun with the other, but it was clear that she was fighting a losing battle.

“Blondie! What happened?”

“ATSHUUH! B-Atchuuh Atchuuh HATSCHUU! Babydoll? I ahhh-ATSCHUUU!…C-ca-aaaah-SHUUH ah-ha-an’t hahhh-Hatshhuuh-Atshuh! Ah-Ah-Ah-AHH-TCHUUH…can’t see…ah-allergies…”

Babydoll then noticed the golden powder drifting down from the giant flowers. She charged at the guards surrounding Blondie, cutting her way through them to reach the flowers. With several swift strokes she chopped off the tops of every last one. However, as they crashed to the ground, clouds of their pollen exploded forward, and Blondie completely lost control of herself. As Blondie stood helplessly doubled over by the force of her sneezing attack, both weapons dropped to the ground, Babydoll dispatched the soldiers around her as quickly as she could. When the last one went down, she helped the still-sneezing Blondie to her feet.

“Sorry! I didn’t think that cutting the flowers would make things worse!”

“It’s-ATSCHUUUH! Atchuh! Atchuh!…Ah, okay, Atchuuh! B-Baby...haah-hah-HATSCHUUH! Hatshuuh!”

Babydoll guided the sneezing, teary-eyed Blondie back to the clearing. The other girls had finished off the remaining soldiers and were waiting for them.

“Glad to see you guys back safe and sound. Uh, what’s wrong with her?” Rocket cocked her head.

“Nothing, just allergies. She’ll be fine soon enough.” Babydoll looked around at her friends. “So, any idea about what we’re doing here?”

“Not a clue. We all woke up near Amber’s battle mech, over in a different clearing, but before she could get it started these jerks attacked us. We had to retreat here, but it turned out to be an ambush” Sweet Pea reloaded her rifle. “So we did what we do best.”

“Ha, I see that.” Babydoll sheathed her sword. “Well then, I don’t know what we’re doing here, but it seems like there’s no shortage of enemies to kill. Let’s head out towards wherever you guys saw them coming from. I don’t know about you ladies, but I feel like some payback.”

The girls nodded, and headed back to where the others had found Amber’s mech. Once it was operational, it began forging a path through the forest ahead of the others, Rocket still sneezing sporadically. Babydoll’s nose continued to run once in a while, but she didn’t think anything of it. However, after what must have been hours of walking she started to feel a tickle rise in the back of her throat and an itch in the front of her nose. She wasn’t sure if she was getting sick, and she didn’t have time to consider the possibility, because shortly after the sensation arose she heard the unmistakable sounds of a battle coming from beyond the trees. The group emerged from the forest onto a hillside overlooking a wasteland where soldiers like the ones they had fought earlier were clashing with soldiers in exactly the same style of armor, only with red instead of black markings. At one end of the battlefield a lady dressed all in red appeared to be shouting orders to her army, while at the other end a man dressed purely in white rode a giant purple cat.

“Wow, both of these armies look pretty, um, evil.” Blondie turned to the other girls. “We should back the red one, right? It was the black ones that attacked us, after all.”

Babydoll nodded. “If the others give us trouble, we’ll take them on too. Me, Rocket, and Sweet Pea will take point, Blondie will take rear guard. Amber, you cover us okay?”

The giant mech saluted, then raised its gun arms towards the black army and began launching grenades into the crowd. Babydoll and the two sisters charged into the gap left by the explosions, while Blondie fired away at more of the soldiers to keep them from moving behind the girls. They shot their way through the black soldier army until they reached the razor paws of the giant cat, which was scooping up red soldiers and tearing them to shreds in its grinning fangs. Upon their arrival, the man in white hopped down from the cat, apparently suffering no injury from the three story drop.

“Os, I ees uoy evah dediced ot nrut tsniaga su. Yrev llew, neht.” The man drew a broadsword from a sheath at his hip. “I dluow yrt ot ecitne uoy ot nioj ruo esuac, tub ti smees lla uoy wonk woh ot od si llik s’revetahw ni tnorf fo uoy. Etanutrofnu. Eht noilleber ev’dluoc desu ruoy pleh. Erihsehc!”

The cat brought its huge paws down on the sisters, seemingly unaffected by the bullets they poured into its flesh, and smacked them both backwards towards the edge of the battlefield.

“erehT. Won ot ekam erus esoht rehto slrig t’nod tpurretni su, dna ew nac evah ruo thgif ni ecaep.”

With a snap of his fingers, the giant cat bounded across the battlefield towards Amber’s mech, which it tackled to the ground and pinned there even as it fired its machine gun back at it. It bit and clawed at the machine’s hull, trying to force its way inside.

“You’re not going to finish us off that easy.” Babydoll raised her katana and rushed at her opponent. As they began their duel, Amber finally managed to blast the giant cat enough times to get it off of her. However,

“Hatshiii! Haah-Atchiiew! Hahtshiiew! Gah, stupid ca-ha-Hatchiii! Ahh-Shiiew! Cat hair in…Ah-Aktshii! Atschiii! Aktishiiew…the, HATSCHIIIEEW…vents!”

Amber knew she couldn’t risk giving the monstrous animal time for another attack, but she was sneezing so hard she couldn’t pay attention to the controls for her mech. So she began flailing its weapons wildly, firing shots at random in the hopes that it would keep the animal back long enough for her to recover. She was successful, however, this tactic had the added effect of nearly murdering Blondie.

“Hey! Watch where you’re aiming! I’m still down here too, remember?”

“Akshiii! Atchiii Atchiew Hah-Atshiii! Sorry Blondie! Heh-Etshiii Hetshii! Ah-ahh-ahhh ATSCHIIIEEW! Allergies…I caaa-Aatshhiii! Ha-Etschii! Atschhiii! I…Ehkitshiii! Hekshiii Hkishiii Kitschiii! CAN’T SEE!”

Blondie smiled grimly. “Yeah, I know what that’s like. Wait!” A plan had occurred to her. “I’ll see for you! Hold on.” She ran underneath the Mech’s legs and climbed up onto an access ladder on its side, tying herself to the metal bars using the carrying straps of her gun.

“Alright, it’s strafing to your left. Get a grenade ready!”

“Hekshii! Hekitshiii!!”

The mech fired an explosive round that landed on the ground in front of the beast.

“Good, now move 90 degrees to the right, and open fire!”

“Ekshiii!”

Amber obliged, and once again forced the giant cat to maneuver into a vulnerable position to dodge the attack. Still grinning nonetheless, it reared back out of the mech’s range and crouched down.

“It’s getting ready to pounce! On my mark, fire a grenade straight up!” Blondie shouted, holding on tight to the ladder. The monstrous cat tensed its muscles, and suddenly sprang forward, leaping with its razor sharp claws extended straight ahead. “Fire, now!”

“Heeetchiiiew!”

The resulting blast rocked the mech backwards, sending Blondie falling off the side and the cat careening backwards. By this point Amber had finally stopped sneezing so frequently that she couldn’t keep her eyes open, and although they were swollen and teary she could see well enough to keep her eyes on a stationary target.

“Alright, AKITCHIII! Kitty, time to heh-Hekshii Heh-Ekshii EKITCHIIEW! Finish you ah-Ahh-Ah-AHHTISHIIII!””

As Amber delivered the final blow to the behemoth, Rocket and Sweet Pea ran into their own opponent; a seven-foot tall machine soldier with cannons mounted on its shoulders and arms, a crown-shaped head, and “DUCHESS MK I” written across its chest. The moment the sisters saw it, they raised their weapons.

“ENEMY COMBATANTS LOCATED. ATTACK STRATEGY CALCULATED. ENGAGING TARGETS.” the machine announced over the hail of gun fire. A large, artillery turret emerged from the robot’s back and fired a shell into the air which quickly came whistling down at the sisters. They easily avoided it, but the machine had already fired two more blasts from its shoulder-mounted cannons. They flipped backwards to avoid being hit, but the shells exploded into a black powder that engulfed them.

“Wha-ahhh-ATCHSHHH! Ahhhtishh Atshhh Atshhh Ahh-Tchhhh! Wha-Hakshhh! Hatchhh Haah-TCHHSH What-ha-haahhh-HATCSHHH!” Sweet Pea’s nose was burning, she felt like she could feel every nerve inside her sinuses itching. Every sneeze offered a moment’s relief, every breath felt like it reinvigorated the million tiny tickles. The resulting sneezing fit was so fierce she could barely see or speak. Rocket wasn’t any better off.

“I ca-Atshoo! Atshoo Ha-Hahhtchoo Ha-Atchooo!…cahh-can’t Hashuoo! Ha-Atshooo!….s-see! HASCHOOO!!!”

“TARGET’S CONFIDENCE UNDERMINED. COUNTEROFFENSEIVE CAPACITY DIMINISHED. INITIATING FULL ATTACK SEQUENCE.”

The girls knew that announcement meant another assault was headed their way, and if they didn’t figure out a way to dodge, they’d be shot full of holes in seconds. Half-stumbling, half-dodging, they sped away in random directions while still firing in the direction the machine’s voice had been coming from. Bullets whizzed through the air past them, and they heard explosions all around. Both eventually fell to the ground, tripping over themselves in their efforts to escape the attack.

“TARGET’S MOBILITY INHIBITED. PREPARING FINAL ASSAULT. ARMING MISSILES.”

“We ha-Hatshhhh! Atshhh Ah-Hatschhhh!…have-Tchhh! Atshh Atshhh…to move!” Sweet Pea shouted to her sister. But Rocket had a plan. If she could take a careful shot at the missiles just as they launched, they would explode before launching. But to make the shot, she’d have to have precise aim, and not sneeze until she’d taken it. To this end, she first blew her nose onto her sleeve to expel as much of the powder as she could. Then, raising her shotgun with both hands, she concentrated as hard as she could on suppressing the fiery tickle in her nose as she aimed at the robot.

“Haa…Ah-Hnnn-aaaahh…Haaaah-Hah-HaaaAhhhh…Ahhh…AHHhhh-haaaaahhhhh…”

“MISSILES ARMED. ENGAGING TARGETING SEQUENCE.”

Rocket felt like her nose was filled with jumping insects. Her eyes were watering from the strain of being kept open despite her whole face trying to scrunch up into a sneeze. Each hitched breath felt like it intensified the perpetually rising itch further and further in her nose. Finally, she couldn’t fight back against it any longer. Willpower could only withstand against physical impulse for so long.

“Ahhh-Ahhhhh-AHHHH-SHOOO”

Fortunately, the strength of Rocket’s sneeze caused her to accidentally pull the trigger at the exact moment the robot fired its missiles. And since she’d held her aim steady up to that point, she fired them out of the sky right before as they launched, blowing the war machine to pieces. Still sneezing, the sisters fell to the ground, amazed at how close they had come to being obliterated.

While all this had been going on, Babydoll had been doing progressively worse and worse in her fight against the man in white. As it dragged on, her throat had begun feeling more and more scratchy, and her nose had started running badly enough that she had to wipe it on the back of her wrist in between (or sometimes during) attacks. What’s more is that she started feeling the need to sneeze intermittently throughout the fight, and every time she did she lost ground in the fight. The man in white had begun staying completely on the defensive, waiting to attack only when she sneezed and gave him an opening.

“Hiii-Itchieeew!”

“Uoy yllaer yam sa llew evig pu. M’i a retsam namsdrows, dna er’uoy tsuj a gnilgdelf roirraw.”

“Your, Hiih-Hitchieew! taunts are worthless. Hehhh-Heh-Heeetchieeew!” Babydoll sneezed again, nearly failing to parry her opponent’s attack in time.

“Siht t’nsi neve ruoy thgif! Siht raw sah gnihton ot od htiw ruoy dnik.” The man charged with a whirling follow-up attack, which Babydoll blocked in the nick of time. However, this put her in the position of struggling against a sneeze and his sword.

“Hehhh…Heh-Ehhh…Heh-eheh-eh…HEHKKSHIEEEW!”

She broke away at the same time as she sneezed, backing away from the man, who started circling her.

“Ll’i llet uoy tahw. Fi uoy rednerrus won, Ll’i tel uoy dna lla ruoy sdneirf evael demrahnu.”

Babydoll sniffled. “You know I, ehhhh, *sniff* can’t actually understand what you’re saying, right? Eh-ETSHIEEEW!”

Once she sneezed, the man charged, wildly swinging his blade. Babydoll was still overtaken by the tickle in her nose, and so she had to parry his volley of attacks in between rapid-fire sneezes.

“Heeetchiiew! Hitchieeew! Heh-Iitschiiiew Issheeew Ihiitchieew! Hehhh-Shieeew Heekshiiew Hiiitchieew!”

“Rednerrus ydaerla! Er’uoy dehsinif.” The man kicked her legs out from under her as she sneezed once more, and raised his sword to deliver the finishing blow. At that moment, however, an arrow with a heart-shaped tip pierced through his shoulder, making him drop his sword.

“Not so fast, you naughty little knight.” The lady in red appeared, escorted by a team of soldiers equipped with bows and arrows, fighting back the hordes of soldiers in black that were gathering around them. “Take him, men. We’ll have his head back at the castle with the proper ceremony.”

The man in white was dragged away by more of the soldiers in red, while the woman looked over Babydoll, who still lay sneezing on the ground.

“Hmm. You certainly managed to put up quite a fight. Much more than the usual girls who come here. Even managed to bring your friends along for the ride. Tell me, little girl; how would you like to be a Queen?”

And the White Knight's talkin' backwards, and the Red Queen's off with her head

[Blah!?]

Dude. That was excellent! I haven't even seen the movie, but this was just wonderful.

Glad to see you're writing again! Ah, I miss the good old days.

[NoV]

Very nice indeed - i enjoyed reading this a lot! From what I've heard, I suspect your fic is better than the actual film...

[Pilgrim]

Very nice indeed - i enjoyed reading this a lot! From what I've heard, I suspect your fic is better than the actual film...

Thanks! And, well it depends. The actual movie is about 50% amazing fight sequences and 50% horrible life in a brothel. I think the movie is good, but it is really two different short movies stuck kinda haphazardly together. I wouldn't fault someone for not liking their totally rad action flick spontaneously melting into a very tragic drama without warning and then changing back again. Even if both stories are well done, there's a reason people don't watch two movies at the exact same time.

[Blah!?]

Dude, I live for epic action scenes. I think I'll have to check this movie out when I get the chance. Not sure how soon that'll be, since I don't really have a way to get to a movie theater at the moment, but I'll definitely see it sometime. At least to me, a few really well done epic battles can make an otherwise bad movie. With a few exceptions, of course, but hey, it looks like fun!