Phone Advice (female)

[Chanel_no5]

So, I'm not actually writing this with stuffy-talk, because I know a lot of people (myself included) think it's a bit annoying. However, I want you to picture the woman's voice as, well… as stuffy as can be.

One of the boring parts of work, in the nurse Maggie's opinion, was this. Taking phone calls and give advice, try to figure out what disease the caller had and what they should do. It was only one shift a week for each nurse, and thankfully, after glancing at the clock on the wall opposite of her desk, she figures she would only have time for one more call. So far, she has given advice on what to do with a kid who had gotten himself into poison ivy, advised an elderly lady that if her "twisted" wrist was actually still black and blue after four weeks, she really should see a doctor, and other different health care advice. Maggie, who is a social gal, prefers to actually meet people in person. Besides, it is so much easier to get a clue on what is the problem when she can see it for herself. So no, phone advice shift isn't her favourite shift of the week. But, one more call and then it's time for weekend.

She picks up the phone and answers in a nice, calm voice:

"Health Advisory, I'm Maggie".

The voice greeting her is definitely female, but there is no way Maggie can determine her age; she could be twenty-five, or she could be forty-five. The reason is the spectacular congestion that distorts her every word so bad Maggie has to focus real hard to make out what she is saying. Her voice is nasal, stuffed-up, but not really hoarse. Constant wet sniffling accompanies and punctuates every sentence she says.

"Hi. I'd like to know how long it takes for a cold to go away".

"It usually ranges between three to seven days, ma'am" Maggie replies. "Sometimes a few symptoms take longer to disappear, however".

"But I've had this cold for four months!" the woman says, with a bit of desperation in her voice.

"That is a very long time", Maggie agrees, "when did you first become ill?"

"In April" the woman sniffs.

It's August 1st today, so yes, she has had this cold for quite some time. If it's a cold. Nurse Maggie strongly doubts that, but she's going to draw this out for as long as she can, just for pleasure.

"Can you describe how it began, what symptoms?"

"I started to get a little stuffy, and my nose was a bit runny. Oh, and it tickled, it felt as if someone tickled it with a feather, and I felt like I wanted to sneeze but couldn't".

She sniffs, her breathing starts to hitch and Maggie feels a flutter in her stomach as the lady sneezes.

"Heh-ISSHuh! Huhhh… uESCHHH!"

"Bless you. And... how did it proceed?"

"I got more and more stuffed up, until I couldn't breathe through my nose at all. Ahh… huhh-aESShuh! Hah-iESCHuh! And it was starting to run even worse. It's running constantly".

"Um… is the mucous thick, or thin?"

"It's like water. It just keeps running. Heh-kgtSSHH! Het-TSCH-ISHH! I would be dripping all over the place if I didn't have tissues with me all the time. And the tickle has turned into a horrible itch, a tingle… it burns… ah-ETSCHH! Hehh… heh… heh-EKSSHH! Huh-EKSShh! And I sneeze… I sneeze all the time".

"Do you sneeze in quick series, I mean, many times in a row?"

"Yeah, sometimes I sneeze ten, fifteen, twenty times in a row… but no matter how many times I sneeze, it still itches, and feels as if I have to sneeze some more"

"Do you have any more symptoms; fever, cough, sore throat..?"

"No fever or cough… sore throat, well… it's more like an itchy throat… oh… ah-ETSchh!"

"Do you usually only get symptoms from your nose when you have a cold?"

"No… oh my God, I have to sneeze again… excuse me, I… I really can't… stop… uhhh… hah-ESShuh! AH-UESCHaah! HAH-gTSSHuh! Huh-ISschaahh!"

She sneezes and sneezes, itchy, irritated and wet sneezes, only slightly muffled by what Maggie guesses is a Kleenex or even the lady's sleeve, she sneezes violently and every sneeze seem to sound more aggravated than the previous, she blows her nose wetly and then sneezes again. And again. And yet again. Maggie waits patiently for the woman to get herself – and her prickly nose – together enough to speak again. Well, actually, for once Maggie is thankful this contact is over the phone, so that the woman can't see how hot and bothered her terrible hayfever makes Maggie.

Finally, the lady's hitching, gasping breaths and explosive sneezing calms down and she is able to speak.

"I'm so sorry" she excuses herself and sniffs wetly, probably wiping her nose with the tissue, and continues: "This is how it is every day, all day, all… all the… t-time…"

"I can understand that's very annoying, ma'am. Has there been any change over time?"

"It's only getting worse".

"Is it worse any particular time of day?"

"The mornings".

No hesitation.

"I can sneeze up to several hours first thing in the morning some days… heh-KSShuh! Ah-ESSChuh! And then it calms down a little. Actually, last week I thought I was getting better, but then I woke up this morning and it was as bad as it could be".

Of course, Maggie thinks, last week it had been raining continuously. Washed the pollen out of the air. Making it easier for people with sensitive, allergic airways to breathe without bursting into fits of sneezes.

"Ma'am, I think I can give you a diagnosis right away, over the phone, without consulting a doctor. I'd say you suffer from hayfever, allergy probably caused by pollen".

"Hayfever?" the woman says, doubtfully, as if she has never heard the word before.

"I'd recommend you to go to a pharmacy and get some over-the-counter antihistamines and try. I'd also recommend you to ask the pharmacy staff for some information regarding allergies and pollen".

The woman cannot reply, because she is fighting against another sneezing fit, one she is desperately trying to defeat but that finally defeats her, and she sneezes eight times, sneezes she's trying to restrain but that comes out as wet, spraying explosions nevertheless. She's not a loud sneezer, but she is by far the most relentless and itchy sneezer Maggie has ever heard.

Finally, the miserable, sneezy woman manages to thank Maggie for the advice, Maggie replies cheerfully that she hopes it's going to help the "cold-ridden"/allergic woman, and that if it doesn't, she is free to call again. Maggie, however, is pretty sure that if this woman takes antihistamines, her "cold" is going to vanish.

When she's hanging up, Maggie wonders if it's unethically to replay the taped call again for herself. She decides that it is.

A little while later, she decides to behave a little unethically.

[Pearlised]

I LOVE IT!!! Its so beutifully written, and you can hear the itch and tickly, you're amazing!

<3

[Butch]

FABULOUS! Hayfever... that congested allergic sneezing...NICE. I liked this a lot.

[ilovesneezing]

Holy CRAP that was rather wonderful

[NoV]

The woman cannot reply, because she is fighting against another sneezing fit, one she is desperately trying to defeat but that finally defeats her, and she sneezes eight times, sneezes she’s trying to restrain but that comes out as wet, spraying explosions nevertheless. She’s not a loud sneezer, but she is by far the most relentless and itchy sneezer Maggie has ever heard.

Love paragraphs like this Superb!

[Sneezles]

I'm not much of a story reader but I ALWAYS love yours!! Thank you so much

[TheCakeIsAlive]

Absolutely love it. Very realistic and awesome and really very .

Love your writing. ^^

[PollenFiend]

I love the entire story but particularly loved the ending. It's just so devilishly insightful into the mind of an allergy-sneeze fetishist. You know us too well.

[Chanel_no5]

Thank you so much everyone, I must say this was a fun little fic to write, I don't think I changed anything from the first version to the one I posted. (sshhh, I have no beta readers and never had, so spelling errors and stuff like that are entirely my own fault )...

Seriously, it sort of wrote itself, it was lots of fun ( )! I'm glad you liked it!

[count tiszula]

Brilliant concept; brilliant conclusion.... a dream come true for the cognoscenti!

[chalkdust]

I have no way to explain how much I thoroughly enjoyed this story! Its a pretty unique story concept. I like it. I wonder if she gets more calls

[VoOs]

Yeah. This is so sexy it's almost painful. Damn you. *shakes fist at*

...

[Chanel_no5]

I'm glad you liked it.

I'm glad it hurt you, VoOs... I mean, what?

[cheetah]

I love the concept and the way you write! x3 I completely adore this!

[starpollen]

I loved this. Mmmmmmmm

[Blah!?]

Aww, this was such a cute story. I was kind of hoping that Maggie would sneeze too, even if it wouldn't have made much sense. Either way, it's a brilliant idea. Even though the sneezing woman is never "shown," I was still able to imagine her perfectly, desperately sneezing into her phone. Seriously, great job!

[foreverajerseygirl]

Wow...totally loved it!

[High on Lullabies]

Now that's the sort of phone call that convinces me I'm in the wrong profession!

Beautifully written and described Chanel, could just imagine being on the other end of the phone myself.

[sneezes]

love it ...