Office Design & Decorating (f)

[Blah!?]

Hey there folks, here's yet another crazy story. How crazy, you ask? Let's just put it this way: The Inner Machinations of My Mind are an Enigma.

While my last two stories were more anime-inspired, this one draws a little more from western animation. Meaning it belongs to the "destroying things is funny" school of thought. It's supposed to be very over the top and absurd, and I honestly feel that the extremely generic sneeze spellings are a product of my laziness fit with it fairly well.

Special thanks to Pilgrim and Pearlised for helping me out big time with this one.

Anyway, here it is:

Magdalena was a demon hunter. Yes, one of those leather-clad individuals who spend their days and nights battling the creatures of hell to keep their cities safe. Not everyone is aware of the existence of demons, so the hunters take it upon themselves to allow the rest of the mundane world to continue to live in blissful ignorance. Magdalena didn't always enjoy this job of hers, but she was good at it, and she had a sense of duty that kept her going. In fact, she had a few special skills as well as a peculiar connection to the demon world that left her unable to leave it behind, even if she wanted to. Magdalena wasn't entirely human.

To be perfectly honest, Magdalena herself wasn't sure what she had been crossed with. Her non-human half definitely wasn't pure demon, but she didn't actually know what it was. All she knew is that it gave her supernatural strength, agility and perception, as well as one weakness: an allergy to demons. Magdalena wasn't allergic to herself, so she knew she didn't have demon blood. When she first began her career as a demon hunter, this allergy proved to be disastrous. Her supernaturally powerful sneezes nearly cost her her life until she learned how to control herself. After months of rigorous training, Magdalena realized that her demon allergy was both her greatest weakness and greatest strength: it allowed her to track her prey better than any other demon hunter could.

Once Magdalena learned how to make use of her allergy, she quickly became one of the most skilled and powerful demon hunters in the world. Night after night, day after day, she would suit up and head out to battle demons. Whenever her allergy acted up, or whenever she got a call from an informant, she would be on the road to fight wherever she was needed. Every day was a battle, every day as exciting. Today, however, was not one of those days. Magdalena was used to at least one demon every day. Today, there were no calls, and she didn't even have the slightest tickle in her nose.

Quickly growing more bored that she could ever remember being, Magdalena had fallen asleep at her desk. Her head hung over the back of her chair, the tip of her large, turned-up nose pointing straight up at the ceiling. The demon hunter's mouth hung open lazily, and she had been snoring loudly for at least a few hours. If Magdalena had known she had company, she would have been more polite. However, the demon hunter tended to forget that she shared this space with someone else.

Roeh stood on top of Magdalena's desk, staring angrily at the snoring demon hunter. She put her hands on her hips and grumbled to herself, tapping one foot on the desk. Roeh was a tiny demon, barely even two inches tall. In fact, she was so small that she wasn't even enough to set off Magdalena's demon allergy without actually trying to. Roeh really wasn't much of a demon at all. She almost looked like a tiny human, her pale blue skin and blood red eyes being the only outwardly visible differences. Roeh was also rather lacking in the special abilities department as well. She was extremely strong and flexible for her size, but she lacked the more frightening abilities that most demons possessed. For these reasons, Roeh was effortlessly captured by Magdalena a few months ago, and the demon hunter didn't even want to waste the effort killing her.

Since then, Magdalena and Roeh became unofficial partners. They outwardly hated each other, constantly exchanging verbal blows and other forms of harassment. However, they did help each other on occasion. Roeh was able to help Magdalena fight other demons every now and then, and Magdalena didn't kill Roeh. That was enough help as far as they were concerned. But today was one of those less helpful days. One of those days when the gloves came off. Magdalena's loud snoring was driving Roeh crazy. There was probably a more peaceful way to wake the demon hunter up than what she was about to try, but a few weeks ago, Roeh had discovered a new favorite pastime.

Roeh began to rock back and forward slowly on her feet, swinging her arms in time with the motion. Once she was content with her heading, the tiny demon sprung forward. She soared through the air, pulling her arms tight to her sides. After a second of flight, Roeh flew straight into Magdalena's large nose, fitting snugly in the demon hunter's right nostril and causing it to bulge slightly. Once Roeh discovered that she could fit into Magdalena's nose, she created a whole new world of annoyance for the demon hunter. There would be hell to pay when she woke up, but until then, Roeh was going to have some fun.

Magdalena shot straight up in her chair, her knuckles going white on the arm rests. She froze for a second, her face blank, before her whole body reared up in a powerful pre-sneeze spasm. "Ah… Ahh… Ahhh…" The demon hunter's mouth fell open, her head tilting back farther and farther with each hitched breath. She froze for a second at the peak of her buildup before releasing a supernaturally strong "HAAAAAAA-CHOOOO!!!" Roeh shot straight out of Magdalena's nose and sailed across the room. While the tiny demon landed on her feet, still feeling the thrill of the ride, the sneezer was less lucky.

Over the years Magdalena had tried to get used to her powerful sneezes, but unless there was a demon in plain sight, she was still usually unprepared for them. They were unnaturally strong, but rather than blowing away whatever was in front of her, almost all of the force was directed back at her. Every time she sneezed, Magdalena always ended up knocking herself over, flying back a few feet, or if she was very lucky, simply bumping into whatever was behind her. This particular sneeze flung her back over her chair, causing her to crash painfully to the floor.

"ROEH!" the demon hunter screamed, jumping to her feet. On the other side of the room, the tiny demon chuckled to herself. "Gesundheit, Maggie," Roeh replied, using her demon strength to leap back onto the desk in a single jump. "Do you honestly enjoy wasting all your time like this?" Magdalena asked, picking up her chair from the floor. Roeh chuckled and nodded emphatically. "Yes. Yes I do."

"That's just disgusting. You're nothing more than an annoying little sneeze gremlin."

"Yeah, it's kind of gross, but the part where you sneeze me out is so much fun. And who're you calling 'sneeze gremlin'?"

"I call you that every time you do this. Get used to it."

"No, you get used to it!"

Roeh squatted down and then propelled herself straight up into Magdalena's nose again, this time into her left nostril. The demon hunter's long nostrils flared and her jaw went slack. "Ahh… Ahhh… Ahhhh…" Her head leaned back until she was nearly facing the ceiling. Inside of Magdalena's nose, Roeh chuckled to herself yet again. "HAAAAAAAA-CHOOOO!!!" Roeh flew across the room again, landing softly on her tiny demon feet. Magdalena fell backwards into her chair, knocking it and herself to the ground again. Roeh jumped back onto the desk again as Magdalena stood up slowly, rubbing her nose vigorously with her middle and index fingers.

"You're the best amusement park a tiny demon could ask for," Roeh said, batting her eyes at Magdalena. The demon hunter turned to pick up her chair again, but this time her sneeze had done more than knock it over. The chair was in pieces on the floor, smashed from being knocked over and fallen on too many times. "Roeh, you're paying for this chair," Magdalena said, turning back to the desk and staring furiously at the tiny demon. Roeh batted her eyes again, feigning innocence. "I'm sorry, but I don't really have any money."

"I know."

Magdalena reached down under her desk and retrieved a large, black handgun that was strapped to the bottom. She flicked off the safety, pulled back the hammer and then pointed it straight at the tiny demon standing in front of her. Panic tore across Roeh's face. She was immune to normal firearms, but she knew full well that Magdalena's arsenal was completely customized to take down demons.

"Woah! Hey! Maggie, calm down! It was just a joke!"

Magdalena didn't flinch.

"Roeh, when I get to hell, you're going to have to tell me what it's like to be shot with a bullet bigger than you are."

Roeh started to sweat, and she held up her hands in an attempt to surrender.

"Any final requests?"

The tiny demon's expression changed, and she squatted down again.

"Yeah, I got one. Cover your nose!"

Roeh shot upward into Magdalena's nose yet again, causing the demon hunter to stagger backwards. "Ah… Ahh… Ahhh… HAAAAAAAAAAA-CHOOOOOOO!!!" She unleashed her strongest sneeze yet, flipping herself over onto her back. When Roeh landed on the far side of the room, she quickly scampered under the bench near the office's front door. As Magdalena fell, she accidentally squeezed the trigger on her weapon, putting a large-caliber bullet through the ceiling. Splintered wood rained down on her desk as the demon hunter stood up, even more enraged than she had been just a moment ago. As she looked frantically around the room, she just barely managed to spot Roeh crawling under the bench.

Magdalena raised her weapon and fired, blowing the bench apart with a single shot. She approached the wreckage to check her work, turning over splinters and planks with the toe of her shoe. If the bullet connected, Roeh would have disintegrated, leaving nothing behind. Magdalena was pleased when her search uncovered nothing but a destroyed bench. However, just as the demon hunter breathed a content sigh, Roeh shot up out of the pile of splintered wood, flying straight into Magdalena's left nostril. The demon hunter's large nose instantly started to tickle intensely, so she quickly backed up into the middle of the room where she wouldn't fly far enough to hit anything else, or so she hoped.

"Ah… Ahh… Ahhh…" Magdalena's head reared back, her nose preparing to send Roeh flying again. "HAAAAAAAAA-CHOOOOOOOO!!!" The demon and demon hunter flew in opposite directions. Magdalena crashed into the front edge of her desk, and Roeh bounced off the middle of the office's front door. As she fell, Magdalena accidentally fired her weapon again, taking another chunk out of the ceiling. She quickly stood and fired once more at the door, blowing it off its hinges. What remained of the door flew out into the street in front of the building and slid for a few feet. Magdalena knew she wouldn't hit Roeh with a shot like that, so she resumed her search.

This time, Magdalena had completely lost sight of Roeh. Her eyes panned across the room, searching for the slightest hint of the tiny demon. The office fell silent for a short moment. Not even the pieces of wood falling from the ceiling seemed to make a sound as Magdalena searched. After what seemed like an eternity, the tiniest sound broke the silence. Magdalena looked straight up, following the source of the noise. The demon hunter caught the slightest glimpse of Roeh scrambling around on top of the ceiling fan, directly above her. She lined up a shot and fired, blasting the fan free from the roof.

Magdalena stepped quickly out of the way as the fan fell straight down. She managed to avoid all the falling debris except for one tiny spec: Roeh. The miniature demon landed on top of Magdalena's large nose. "Go ahead, shoot yourself in the face. I dare you," Roeh taunted, glaring slyly into the demon hunter's eyes. However, Magdalena was worrying less about the demon on her nose and more about the intense tickling in her nose. Roeh may not have been up one of her nostrils, but she was still close enough to set her off. "Ah… Ahh… Ahhh…" Magdalena's head reared back, almost causing Roeh to slide up her nose and onto her forehead. The demon hunter struggled to control her nose, and she somehow managed to hold her sneeze in for a few seconds. However, all she managed to do was draw out the inevitable. "HAAAAAAA-CHOOO!!!"

Roeh held on tight as Magdalena flew backwards, crashing into a set of cabinets on the wall. The tiny demon managed to stay in place, but that meant Magdalena wasn't free of her sneezing just yet. Her nostrils flared helplessly and she wrinkled her nose tightly, the demon still clinging to the top of it. "Ahh… Ahhh… Ahhhh…" Roeh tightened her grip, digging her tiny fingers into the flesh of Magdalena's nose. "HAAAAAAA-CHOOOOOOO!!!" The force of this sneeze pushed the demon hunter along the wall she was already up against, knocking over everything between her and the corner of the room.

As the demon and demon hunter crashed against the corner wall, Roeh's grip finally faltered slightly. She bounced off of Magdalena's forehead and fell over the top of her nose, now hanging directly in front of a pair of wildly flaring nostrils. Magdalena tried to stand up, still desperately gasping for breath. However, as she righted herself, she turned to face the wall, leaving her open for another sneeze to send her flying. She was still dazed, so this didn't occur to her until it was too late. "Ahhh… Ahhhh… Ahhhhh…" The demon hunter started building up to what would surely be her biggest sneeze yet, and Roeh did her best to prepare herself for her flight. There was no way she'd be able to hold on for this one, especially not right in front of Magdalena's nostrils.

"HAAAAAAAAAA-CHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Roeh simply slammed into the wall behind her and fell to the ground, but Magdalena wasn't quite so lucky. She sailed all the way across the office and crashed through the door at the back of the room, knocking it off its hinges. Magdalena slid across the floor of her bedroom, located directly behind her office, and finally stopped when she ran into her dresser against the far wall. Roeh jumped into the bedroom doorway just in time to see the dresser fall right on top of the demon hunter. The office fell silent for a moment, but it was brought to a swift end as Magdalena fired her weapon one last time, blowing a hole in the back of her dresser. She stuck her head through the newly formed hole and stared at the tiny demon in her doorway. Her expression was completely and totally blank, devoid of every emotion, including anger surprisingly enough. Roeh put her hands on her hips and smiled.

"Now, you can't possibly say that today was boring, can you?"

---

And another story of random randomness draws to a close. I hope everyone enjoyed it!

I may try to do another demon hunter story in the future with these characters, or at least Magdalena. If anyone has any ideas and/or suggestions, feel free to lay them on me.

[Chanel_no5]

Random randomness goodness.

Hehe, and I really like the way you add in the element of humour and absurdness in your stories.

[Pearlised]

Again, this story is awesome sauce and COMPLETELY Blah-San You're such a unique writer

Very enjoyable, as always.

Love it

[Pilgrim]

Nice work. It's not often that you see giant sneezes in stories anymore. I'd like to see further adventures of Magdalena and her allergy

[TheCakeIsAlive]

Oh, another delightful story.

I rather like Roeh. Excellent combination of humour, absurdness and awesomeness. Love it.