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In Bloom


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Mordhaus was infested with locusts and it wasn't metal, no matter what Nathan said. "It's like the fucking apocalypse," he exclaimed, watching the Klokateers run around in vain with fly swatters as the ungodly winged creatures whizzed overhead. It was like that movie The Birds, except with enormous insects and much better special effects. "This is fucking awesome."

His opinion changed very quickly when Charles made arrangements to bug bomb the Haus, forcing the band members to explore that mysterious realm known as outside, a place they only caught brief glimpses of between leaving the house and boarding their tour bus/limousines/Dethcopter to go do a show. It was the middle of June and hotter than the devil's ass crack, so naturally hey bitched and moaned and flung death threats left and right. Charles was unrelenting.

"Consider this an opportunity to get some fresh air and exercise," he said, as if that was actually a good thing and they should be fucking grateful.

Pickles tossed a beer bottle at their manager's retreating back before collapsing to the ground from a combination of inebriation and heat exhaustion. Nobody seemed to notice or care.

The front man appeared to have resigned himself to his fate. He paced back and forth with creative energy, his recorder at the ready. "Idea for a song," he grunted, stopping in place to glance at the fuming building. "Insect Genocide."

Murderface sat on a stump and pulled a pack of beef jerky out of his boot, along with a knife for the repulsive but necessary task of tooth-picking. Sneering in disgust, Skwisgaar grabbed Toki's arm and pulled him off towards the picnic tables. "Dat air amens't gonna to be fresh for longs," he muttered, and sure enough, after they had walked a few yards, Murderface leaned to the side to baptize the tree stump with an obnoxious fart.

The new rhythm guitarist stumbled beside Skwisgaar obediently, trying his best to keep up with the Swede's long strides. Fresh from Norway, Toki Wartooth was Dethklok's newest member, and like the queen bee trying to seduce the new girl into her clique Mean Girls-style Skwisgaar had taken Toki under his flipper, so to speak. It was only natural Toki would seek his friendship anyway, seeing as they were the only two foreigners, not to mention Skwisgaar's guitar playing was so impressive there was no way Toki wouldn't want to be his friend.

As they plunked down on the picnic benches Skwisgaar wiped his brow with a soft groan. He hated sweating, but it was inevitable whenever he was forced out of his carefully climate-controlled room into temperatures above fifty degrees Fahrenheit. At least Toki looked equally miserable, with his face flushed and his hair starting to frizz at the ends. Skwisgaar ran a hand a little smugly through his perfectly smooth waves, the only part of his body untouched by the humidity. That $200 hairspray was worth every cent. "As you can probablies see," he said, gesturing sagely in the direction of their band mates, "dese guys ams dildos. Dey ams likes brainless rabid posskums, wandering aims-lessly in the dark forests of de nights."

Toki gazed over intently as if watching animals at a zoo, but his eyes were starting to slide out of focus. Noticing this, Skwisgaar clapped his hands together to bring the attention back to himself. The kid could be a real space cadet sometimes. "Stays with me here," he scolded. "I ams givings you invalue-less advice."

Holding up a finger, Toki turned away from the picnic table slightly. Being told to wait always ruffled Skwisgaar's feathers, so he continued talking despite his new band mate's hitching breaths. "Fines, if you don'ts wants to listens den-"


Skwisgaar paused, shooting Toki a look of utter indignation. He hated being interrupted just as much as being told to wait, even if it was by a completely involuntary bodily reaction. "As I was sayings," he continued, more loudly this time, but a series of breathy gasps forced him to cut another sentence short. "Seriouslies?"

"S-sorr… hkgxshht!" He stifled the sneeze against the back of his hand and shook his head, his nostrils flaring sharply. "Hh'ihhh… ihKSSHahh! ISHH'ahh!" Pulling up his shirt and exposing a chiseled abdomen that made Skwisgaar burn with envy, he muffled the last sneeze against the collar of his shirt. "Ihghfshh! … fucks…"

Besides "yes," "no," and a few shyly-uttered Norwegian phrases, Toki hadn't spoken much since his arrival in America, at least not to Skwisgaar, who most certainly hadn't taught him to use the word "sorry". Apologizing was for pussies. As for the swearing, Skwisgaar wasn't much of a fan of English cusses; he usually opted for the more biting mammaknullare and jävlar of his mother tongue. It seemed as if Toki was picking up the language from just listening to the guys converse. Again Skwisgaar bristled with jealousy; it had taken him years to get a grasp of English, and even now he still found it rather difficult to communicate with his other band mates. "I guess you rathers sneezes den talks to me," he said with a pout, folding his arms and making to stand up. "Maybe I go backs to de guys over dere and-"


Skwisgaar smiled privately at Toki's pleading tone before turning back to him with a scowl. "Ja?"

"Sorry," he said, managing not to interrupt himself this time. "I can'ts helps it."

He scrubbed at his watery eyes and sniffled, his reddened nostrils flaring slightly. Smirking, Skwisgaar leaned both elbows on the table and rested his chin on his folded hands. "You don't gots to cries abouts it," he teased, and Toki shot him a scathing look.

"Amens't cryings," he retorted, new tears springing up just as he wiped the old ones away. "My eyes makes waters but amens't from cries."

Skwisgaar glanced around, noticing for the first time how green the Mordhaus grounds were. When they found Toki he'd been living a sheltered existence in an abandoned village outside of Lillehammer. It was nothing but snow there all day, everyday, all year round, and Skwisgaar was almost certain Toki had never even seen a blade of grass in his life before now. "Maybe you haves de allergies."

Toki tilted his head at the unfamiliar word, the tears now taking a diagonal course across his face. "All-? Huhh…" He sniffled hard, pinching his expanding nostrils with the fabric of his collar. Breathing carefully through his mouth, he tensed up slightly, then relaxed with a sigh. Having regained a bit of control, he peered blearily at Skwisgaar from behind his shirt. "All-her-cheese?"

"Allergies," Skwisgaar corrected haughtily.

"What means dat?"

Skwisgaar glanced around before spotting some bushes trimmed to look like fighting dragons. Their light purple blossoms were in full bloom; he could almost see the clouds of pollen in the air around them. "Allows me to shows you," he said, hiding a devious grin as he got to his feet. He preferred to teach by example.

He plucked a few flowers from the bushes before returning to the picnic table. Toki peered at him with a mixture of curiosity and distrust, pulling his knees up onto the bench and hugging them to his chest. Nudging his nose against a kneecap, he sniffled and drew back a little as Skwisgaar leaned across the table. "W-whats you ams doing?" he asked through hitching breaths.

Skwisgaar responded by twirling the flowers under his nose, smirking as the touch of the silky petals sent his nostrils flaring. Toki's face contorted, his eyebrows knitting together, his broad nose crinkling, and his lips parting in a tortured grimace. As he gasped a few more tears raced down his flushed cheeks. "S-s-stop, it t-tick… tihhhih! Hihh!" He pushed Skwisgaar's hand away before wrenching to the side, nearly falling off the picnic bench. "Hh'KTCHHiew! KSSHahh! Hih'KSHHahh! Ih'hihh…" He gasped and jerked his collar up again, smothering a wet, desperate "Ihh'mpfftchehh!" against the fabric.

The lead guitarist sat back and watched the show, crushing the soft purple petals between his nimble fingers. Toki was panting softly as he rubbed his leaking nose against the inside of his shirt, leaving a noticeable wet spot. "Wowee," he sighed, letting his collar fall back into place before slumping forward against the table.

"Allergies," Skwisgaar concluded knowingly, dusting remnants of crushed flower off his hands.

Toki lifted his head tiredly and wrinkled his reddened nose as he watched him. "I dever sdeezes so buch befores," he said. "Demb all-her-geez ambs crazy."

Skwisgaar sneered as Toki rubbed his nose against his shirt again. Only children and uncivilized people who were lucky enough to have shirts did that, but certainly not metal musicians. "Stops," he commanded, gesturing for a Klokateer to come over.

"Yes, my lords?"

"Brings to me tissues for dis nasty dildos."

"Certainly, my lord."

"And burns dees all-her-shees," Toki piped in, pointing to the purple flowers blossoming in the bushes all around them. "Burns dem all."

Skwisgaar and the Klokateer gazed at the Norwegian in confused silence for a moment. "Burn the… what, my lord?" their servant asked.

"De all-her-shees."

After a moment it clicked. It took Skwisgaar every last bit of self-restraint to not lean across the table, grab Toki by the hair and shake him for his stupidity. "He means de flowers," Skwisgaar said, rolling his eyes. "Stupid dildos, he amens't very all to goods with de Englishes."

As the Klokateer went off in search of tissues Toki stared across the table blankly. "You telleds me dat dose t'ings right dere were aller-geez."

There was something gratifying about teaching Toki. It felt like someone had given Skwisgaar his very own alien to instruct in the ways of life. It was almost like being a father, a real father, not the contractually irresponsible kind that Skwisgaar already was. "Dis ams a flower," he said slowly, holding up the mutilated flower he had brushed against Toki's nose. "It gives to you allergies."

"Ah, so allergies ams whats makes my noses all tingles?"

Skwisgaar nodded wisely. Toki smiled, grateful for the clarification, before ducking quickly to the side again to release another "Hihk'ISSHHHahh!" into the air beside him. A space of air that happened to be occupied by the Klokateer who had been sent to fetch them tissues. Blushing, Toki accepted the box and blew his nose shyly. As gross as Toki's allergies were, Skwisgaar had to admit it was amusing watching one of their stupid servants get sneezed on. And he was proud of Toki for not saying "sorry" this time. The new guy was finally starting to learn.

"Hey homos!" Nathan cried from across the lawn. "We're going to Burzum's! Our dick manager isn't invited so keep it quiet!"

Charles, who could have heard Nathan's booming voice from a mile away, was actually standing quite close to the singer, but he didn't look the least bit rejected. In fact he smiled with relief as the guitarists stood up and shuffled across the grounds to join their band mates in finding something to do besides complain about the bug bombing and trying to sabotage the process. As they headed towards the Dethchopper Toki tapped Skwisgaar lightly on the shoulder. The Swede, trying to suppress his indignation at being touched, turned to his young companion and quirked an eyebrow. "Ja?"

Toki peered up at him, his pale blue eyes still glistening with allergic tears. "What means homos?"

Laughing softly, Skwisgaar shook his head dismissively. He was starting to find the kid pretty goddamn endearing, red nose and all. "Another lessons for another days, little Toki."

He did prefer to teach by example, after all.

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As I've stated before, I don't normally read into the Metalocalypse fandom, but this happened to catch my eye. I thought it was adorable how Toki confused allergies for the flowers, haha. Very cute, AnonyMouse! :(

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AWWWWW. ;). And :wub:, but mostly :D.

Things I liked: Way too many to list. Let's start with the flowers against Toki's nose, the shirt-sneezing, and Skwisgaar being a jerk, and go from there. :D

Things I disliked: NOOTHIIINGGGGGGG.

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Mmmm Toki....and his cute new-ness :P:twisted:;):innocent: This story was as lovely as Toki's sneezes. And "All-her-shees" ? :lmfao::dead:

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HOOOO!! :P Ohhh, man you crack me up sideways. :D They are SO. EFFING. HILARIOUS. The many ways to mispronounce 'allergies' that you made Toki come up with... smirky arrogant Skwisgaar fucking Skwigelf... and that brilliant, fantastic punch line. The fanwhore in me is sprawled at your feet. >:D

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Awww, can't believe I missed this! As always, it's just perfect. <3 The way you write the two of them is adorable.

Why can't allergic Toki be legit? Why?! :laugh:

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Ohhh, that was SO sweet! I've only seen two episodes of Metalocalypse (because, frankly, it terrifies me. :) ), but that was SO endearing. I love that last line, about Skwis preferring to teach my experience. It made me giggle soooo hard. ^_^ And Toki! Ohhh, Toki's inability to speak and understand proper English was so cute. Confusing the flowers for allergies...uhhh. Made me melt. :mellow:

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