Diary of a Sneeze Investigator (F)

[NoV]

Diary of a Sneeze Investigator (F)

Saturday 21^th January

It’s one hell of a job but someone has to do it. Day and night I walk this city, and still my work is not done; far from it. There’s always another case, always something unexpected around the corner, but that is who I have always been – the man who has made it his mission to observe the unexpected, to document it so that future generations will understand the depths of my obsession and my dedication to safeguarding the woman of this great city.

It is nights like these, with the rain falling like a luminous sheet, that those once in a lifetime cases have a habit of falling into your lap. And tonight I got a case that blew all cases of the last three months to smithereens. A real barnstormer. A career-making case; one to tell the grandkids. Anyway, I digress – habit of too many years under my belt, and a weakness of Scotch, but hell – it certainly keeps the demons locked down tight.

I noticed her right away, the lustre of her ink-black hair glimmering in the low light of the Marcy’s Bar. She entered, her shoulders hunched, her arms wrapped protectively around herself, and surveyed our rather sorry gathering. A few old timers peered gruffly up from their beers, before scowling down into the fug of cigar smoke, clearly upset that the bars bastion of masculinity had been breached. She was nervous, but determined not to show it. Quick steps across the tiled floor, high heels tapping Morse code through the juke boxes wailing.

She had my attention now. I raised an eyebrow at the barkeep and he reached for the Scotch, pouring out my customary two fingers.

‘For the road?’ he questioned before he would hand me my drink. He looked suspicious.

‘I think not,’ I growled at him, not allowing him to read my expression. I’ve done this job all my life – no one can guess what I do, no one else can read the signs like I can. I had seen the moment she had entered; the water dripping from her clothes, the lack of an umbrella, the redness of her perfectly formed nose and shiver in her slim frame. The signs were unmistakable.

She reached the bar, taking the stool two up from me. I observed her profile, the red gloss of her lips, the smooth curves of her bust and hips. One hell of a woman. Yet here she was, clearly suffering from a cold, and caught out in the freezing rain, desperately seeking shelter. She asked for coffee, looking neither left nor right. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. The barkeep was struggling to remember how to operate the coffeepot – not much call for it in Marcy’s Bar.

I watched her bring up her purse, a sudden urgency to her actions. Popping the clasp she fumbled inside, her actions increasing in desperation. Her head tipped back, ever so slightly. Her eyes fluttered. I knew what she was looking for, knew she didn’t really have time. Knew exactly what was coming.

She was fighting it, terrified of the attention her approaching sneeze might bring down upon her. One hand lifted jerkily towards her nose, her whole body swaying as breaths became involuntary. I’ve been in this game long enough to know when the battle is lost.

‘HHEEEEYYYYYAAASSSSSHHHOOOOO!!’

She really had not meant it to be so loud. It cut through the smoky bar like someone discharging a revolver next to my ear, causing some of the other patrons to jump so suddenly that they were mopping spilt beer from their slacks. I did not flinch; my nerves were like steel, but my heart beat faster.

‘HAAA...HAAAAAA...’

Hell, this was going to be something special for sure. Her perfect nose was twitching with frenzied anticipation for what was building like a hurricane inside her. Her mouth was open, her eyes squeezed tightly shut, nostrils rounded and expanding as she drew in a colossal breath to fuel the sneeze that was already thundering through her hourglass figure.

‘HHHAAAAARRRUUUSSSSHHHHOOOOOO!!!’

A slightly different pitch than her last one, somehow deeper and more congested. I almost felt sure I detected a fine mist erupt into the smoke and low lighting. Raindrops, or were they tears, wet her cheeks. Still she shivered, sniffing desperately, the far off gaze in her eyes betraying that the insatiable itch still burned inside her nose.

The hardest part of my profession is knowing when to make that move. There was no way that she was finished. That distant, trembling look in her eyes betrayed the cataclysmic explosions that still were yet to come. The barkeep made as if to approach with her coffee, saw the signs of impending disaster and retreated out back to get himself out of the firing line.

This time I swear she knew I was watching. I had caught that sideways, teary glance and knew that my cover had been blown, but at moments like these you have to learn to roll with the punches. So she knew, and she wasn’t running to the restroom, desperate to hide her tremendous loos of control.

This next sneeze was building with a ferocious force. Instead of preparing to muffle its effects in her hands, the woman was grasping the brass handrail than ran the length of the bar, as if to support her body which swayed rhythmically in time with the building sneeze. All at once, she reared back, raindrops scattering from her hair, and in one smooth movement snapped forwards, delivering the loudest bellow of a sneeze I have heard for many a year.

It shattered the quiet murmur of the bar, three syllables of pure sneezy release; dark eyes crashing shut, her mouth wide, her wonderful curves aquiver with the urgency of the explosion.

‘HHHHAAAAHH...RRRUUUUUSSSHHHHHOOOOO!!!’

I was rooted, my eyes glued. The way she sneezed with her whole body, her utter lack of control – well it grabbed me somewhere inside and would not let go. It took me a full 30 seconds before I realised she had been staring at me the whole time.

‘Well what’s a dame got to do round here to make a gentlemen offer to help her?’ she asked, her voice husky with cold. ‘Would it help if the next one demolished the bar?’

Without realising, my hand was searching for a clean handkerchief, desperate to appease this sneezy angel. A man of my profession is always prepared, always has to be. She took the clean, white handkerchief and buried her nose in it, shivering. I stood and wrapped my coat over her shoulders, noting her appreciative smile. I could tell she still needed to sneeze.

‘Maybe I can take you somewhere... a lift home perhaps?’

She’s nodding, on the verge of filling my handkerchief with another colossal bout of sneezes. All eyes are upon me, all willing me to take this woman from the bar. Their nerves can’t take another round of her uncontrollable fit, and I steer her gently by the arm. I’ll make sure she gets home safe, make sure she’s not caught in another icy rainstorm lashing the city on this winter’s night. After all – it’s my job. This city has no mercy for the sick, and I am their only defence.

We just about make it out the door before her sneezing strikes, with almost nuclear force. She’s convulsed, bending at the waist to deliver sneeze after violent sneeze. It seems like fate has decided to play my tune tonight.

Our intrepid Sneeze Investigator will return...

[Chanel_no5]

‘Well what’s a dame got to do round here to make a gentlemen offer to help her?’ she asked, her voice husky with cold. ‘Would it help if the next one demolished the bar?’

Oh my, I liked that one a lot!!

And how I like your descriptions of her lack of control, it's just beautiful!

[Curiosity234]

Always loved that classic noir kind of writing.

[Sternuto]

Very nice.

[zneeze]

Another very promising story, NoV! You're one of the best around man

[Animeeze]

You are a great writer, man!

[ThePokeFan599]

You're stories of beautiful women in dark suits with massive sneezes are the best. I especially love the oriental stories of the women hiding and trying their hardest not to let one of their ferocious sneezes out.

[count tiszula]

‘Well what’s a dame got to do round here to make a gentlemen offer to help her?’ she asked, her voice husky with cold. ‘Would it help if the next one demolished the bar?’

Oh my, I liked that one a lot!!

And how I like your descriptions of her lack of control, it's just beautiful!

Must have missed this; and I can only agree with Chanel. The classic strong woman who almost enjoys [or perhaps really does] her loss of control. And of course the classic heroine of the hard-boiled tec story....

[mysterysneeze]

This story makes me smile. You write this in a way where I can easily picture what happens (mainly because I sometimes do this myself if there's someone sniffling in the same room as I'm in XD. It's weird though...I have a minor germ phobia and even though it has been toned down a ton since I've started writing sneeze stories I still shudder a lot if someone coughs or sneezes on me ^^; )

Anyway, the point is, really good story! Her sneezes sure are powerful and boy she doesn't seem to mind

[March Hare]

Not bad. I like the idea, and you've got that lovely, purple Raymond Chandler thing going. Not bad at all, not at all. Mmm.

[blum]

Thanks for sharing

[NoV]

Wednesday 11^th April

‘Urm...I have a request to make, if you’re... urm... open to such things?’

The man sounded nervous. Then again, he was probably the type of man who sounded nervous when he couldn’t find a pair of matching socks. I flipped through the papers on my desk, found the sought-after photo and held it up to the sunlight streaming through the window.

‘Uh-huh’ I grunted into the receiver. Cigarette smoke curled lazily through the morning light.

‘I take it you have my correspondence, and..aha...the photos of my... urm...wife?’ I let my eyes do the talking for a moment. She’s a good-looking woman, this dame. Not the sort I’d imagine to hang around with a lame duck like this guy I’m talking to. Legs that go all the way up, vanishing into a flower-print summer dress that does little to hide the curves within. The gal has a cleavage to die for, her skin tanned to perfection. I squint closer, examining her face. Her eyes are deep almond shaped brown, her lips full, her hair a chestnut cascade of wavy curls. Damn!

And then I see her nose. Difficult to gauge from a portrait shot, but it is well-shaped, slightly larger than expected. All of a sudden I form an image of her head tilting back, her delectable nostrils flaring urgently, her mouth opening, hands fluttering...

‘Are you still there?’ The whiny voice shatters my visions, and I gruffly mutter my affirmations. ‘You gotta help me, you see... my wife has this problem and, well... I hear you’re the man to solve it.’

‘Uh-huh’ I am a man of few words. The voice at the end of the line continued. ‘My wife has always been prone to ...er... sneezing. When I first married her she would sneeze like, forty, fifty times a day, only now it’s getting even worse. Her sneezes have become louder, more violent and she can’t seem to go five minutes without one of her shrieking sneezes. She tells me there’s nothing wrong, she won’t see a specialist, but I’m not sure my nerves can take it anymore. I need someone to find out what’s making her sneeze so much, and I think you are that person. Are you?’

Did I take the job? You betcha!

Thursday 12^th April

Tell you what, the client was not kidding. No sooner had I slipped into my booth at Kara’s Coffee Stop, my senses were aroused by a colossal sneeze which erupted from the hatch through to the kitchen area. Despite the busy hubbub, I heard a very audible gasping intake of breath, leading to a second explosive sneeze – more voiced and desperate than the first.

I hunched down in my seat, spreading a newspaper that ineffectually concealed my desire to observe. I knew right away it was her. Squeezed into her tight-fitting waitress outfit she looked good enough to be on the menu. I watched as she walked from the kitchen to behind the counter, one finger pressed pre-emptively beneath nostrils that all but quivered with what I knew to be coming.

She was a fighter this one. Her eyes rolled with the helpless, sneezy sensation, her mouth opening ever so slightly. I absently noticed the way her chest was heaving with large, increasingly desperate breaths. Was she really about to blow in front of all these customers? My own breath caught firmly in my throat, and I wished I could order a whiskey to loosen my nerves.

Her eyes closed, one finger jammed good and hard against wildly flaring nostrils. One false start, then another! The newspaper almost fell from my grip, I was entranced. And now the thread of control she had so tenuously held on to was lost. The sneeze was coming with hurricane force down her delicate nose.

Trapped inside her tight waitress’s uniform, I saw her body heave and swell, and with one fluid motion she launched forwards and into a truly colossal sneezing fit. They came shrieking out in explosive bursts of three, forceful enough to bend her at the waist, her hands clamped desperately yet ineffectually to her mouth.

The whole cafe fell silent, people swivelling in their seats in surprise to see this attractive dame almost incapacitated with the torturous itch that flooded her nose. After a full twelve sneezes, she seemed to manage to pause, gasping in breath as her eyes filled with allergic tears. She was breathing hard, trying to catch her breath but at the same time worried that the action would only draw more allergens into her already trembling nose.

There comes moments for a man like me to take action. I rose from my seat, filled as much with care and concern for this lady as I was with thoughts of my eventual pay check.

‘Goodness my dear,’ I said, silk handkerchief already held awaiting her eager hands. ‘That is quite a sneezing fit you had going there.’

She smiled weakly, the smile of a girl who knows that whatever assertions she makes, nothing will disguise the fact that those sneezes are still gaining power at the back of her nose, waiting for the moment when they cannot be denied. She will sneeze again, she just cannot help it.

‘Is there anything I can do to aid you?’ Oh I am quite the master at this game. She spins quickly to the side and releases a further two sneezes with the force and sound of a revolver fired at close range. I barely even flinch. I can barely take my eyes from her nose which twitches ever-so-slightly with each breath she takes.

‘Oh, not unless you can somehow cure me of my allergies – or at the very least get me out of here.’ At least that’s one thing I can do. I take her by the arm and steer her with calm purposefulness around the counter towards the door. The cafe manager looks enquiringly at me, but one of my glances and he knows I mean business. My standing in this town is somewhat well-known.

Once in the harsh daylight, and I already know what’s going to happen. She hurls herself forwards as soon as the light hits her eyes, expelling another trapped sneeze in a tremendous bellow that sends passersby jumping from the unexpected intrusion into their morning strolls. She ignores the stares, just clings tighter to my arm and blinks, nose twitching yet again. Now is my chance, while her guard is down, to find out the cause of her allergies.

‘Flowers mainly, I suppose,’ she answered, her voice breathy. ‘Quite a few unusual smells actually. And bright light of course.’ She smiled at me ‘You see; I just love to sneeze!’

I felt my heart miss a good three beats. ‘If only my idiot of a husband could understand that,’ she said, a certain faraway look becoming obvious in her eyes. I breathed deeply to compose myself, before I could meet her eyes with confidence.

‘Damn, now that sounds like a problem that you need to talk about. What about I get you a coffee?’

She managed to get in a nod, a smile and then...

‘AAAARRRRRIIIIISSSSSSHHHHOOOOOO!!!’

I’m not sure which one of us enjoyed it most.

[Candy]

Oh wow. I...just...

You just put my two favorite things...desperate hold backs, and the sneezer loving to sneeze...into one story

Excuse me while I find new pants, as these ones has caught on fire.

[Curiosity234]

Glad to see another story of yours, NoV!

[count tiszula]

Terrific new episode. And yes , the lady enjoys herself! [i knew this was coming, like an inevitable sneeze....]

And the hard-boiled noir style is impeccable.....

[March Hare]

Very original, this. And I appreciate and enjoy originality. You're doing a wonderful job, NoV!

[ThePokeFan599]

How can anyone really not pay attention to these situations. Both stories are tremendous.

[zneeze]

Fantastic. Love it as usual!

[mysterysneeze]

Now if only one could find a lady like that here on Earth? Lovely story to read, and I really liked both scenarios. This guy is A PRO!

[Pokesneeze]

Great job! I really liked it!

[megacycle]

Awesome!!!