Silly School Papers/Projects

[Marshmallow Peep]

I was looking through some old files in a flashdrive of mine and I managed to find a rather silly paper I wrote for my Honors Sophomore English class, I got a rather nice grade for it (110 points to be exact, 100 points for the paper and 10 extra points for going first... which I was supposed to do anyway since it was chapter 1)

We were supposed to take a chapter from some sort of King Arthur book and translate it into modern English, I ended up getting bored and just started adding really dumb jokes but I made my teacher and classmates laugh so I guess the jokes weren't that bad. Well anyway, here it is: (warning: it's very long!)

The Lady of Astolat ch. 1:

A Modern English Translation

After that whole Sangreal thing was done and over with,

with all those knights (except the once who were dead, of course)

coming back to the Round Table, everything was all good, like, really good.

King Arthur and Guenevere were the happiest of all; they wore really nice clothes too.

Sure Arthur was all old and stuff but Guenevere made up for it with her sweet, long,

honey-blonde hair and her fair skin which had a good portion covered by a lovely

rose-colored gown. Things just got even better once Lancelot and Bors arrived,

now it was a real party! Lancelot had the major hots for Guenevere since, like, forever ago. All that guy could think about was Guenevere, which according to Lancelot, was why he wasn’t able to get the holy grail. This was probably some weak excuse for being lazy, but it’s not polite to judge a person, whether they’re fictional or not.

Now, Lancelot was the apple of many ladies’ eyes, they had good reasons for that. He was strong, he was French (and everyone knows French is the language of love), he had a cute butt, his hair was always clean and fresh looking, he didn’t smell funny, and Guenevere was pretty sure he had a nicely sized… shoulder, yeah… shoulder… right…

Usually Lancelot wouldn’t be caught dead talking to just about any lady besides Guenevere, but something was… different; since he came back from his super epic quest meant for a real adventurer, he seemed to be talking a lot to the ladies he would have called boring, ugly pigs before he left. One day, Guenevere realized Lancelot wasn’t by her side every single second of every single day and decided to do something about it; she called Lancelot into her room. If one had not read King Arthur-related text before and just so happened to be rather… hormone-driven, they’d imagine the following paragraph would involve Guenevere suggestively looking Lancelot in the eye and then almost immediately beginning to take off her- wait, none of that happened at all, too bad! Lying to readers is rather entertaining, isn’t it? Well, the cruelty of the writer aside, things went more like a poorly rated soap opera the network refused to take off the air despite the desperate plea of the viewers; Guenevere acted like a rather clingy, jealous girl that most guys would want to ditch right away. “Why don’t you love me anymore!? You’re always hitting on those ugly chicks and NOT me! I thought we had something SPECIAL! You’ve changed! Waaah Waah Waaah!” Guenevere whined. Lancelot was all like “what?” and went on with a few cheesy pick-up-lines and this little gem of a speech “Oh, honey-boo, I have plenty of excuses …–er-… reasons why we’ve been apart for more than 3 seconds! First of all, I was a bit slow in the Sangreal quest and what not. I also found out that there are some guys out there who know… the secret.

I’d understand if this was because of their unfortunate names, I mean, who names their kids ‘Agravain’ and… ‘Mordred’, but this is very unlikely. The reason I hate them is so you won’t have to. If they ever see us kissing, flirting, or doing the many things we did that one Thursday in the old shed, we’ll be locked in a dungeon, or banished, or locked in the dungeon of wherever we were banished to, of course they’d kill us once they get bored with us though. See, this is why I’ve been sweet talking those ladies. I still love you a bazillion jillion million times more than I’ve even looked at the other chicks. Baby, come back! You can blame it ALL ON ME! I was wrong! And I never meant to…”

Lancelot figured it was a good time to shut up (which it was), he then decided to bow before a not-too-impressed Guenevere and beg and cry for forgiveness.

End Ch. 1

If you have any silly papers/reports/projects/etc. you'd like to share, feel free to do so.

[Chanel_no5]

That was awesome!!

Hmm, I remember a math test I did when I was sixteen or seventeen, where one of the questions was about a machine leaking oil, and how much it would leak in 24 hours if... well, I can't remember the actual question, but I hate math and I wasn't in the mood for a test anyway, so I replied:

"First of all, oil spots on the floor is a occupational hazard which should be reported right away before someone slips on it and gets hurt. Second, a machine leaking that much oil can't be economical to keep, regardless of the costs for repair or replacement. My advice would therefore be to get someone to fix the goddamn machine instead of turning it into a goddamn math problem!"

I got half a point for that answer.

[Purple]

LOOLL!

On the subject of sarcastic answers, when I was about nine, I once drew a dinosaur and wrote, "See this dinosaur? Well, he ate my answer. And now he's extinct, so there's no way I can get it from him."

When it was handed back, my teacher had written, "If this dinosaur is extinct, how did it acquire your answer from this year?"

I was like, DAMMIT I SHOULD HAVE PICKED A BETTER SPECIES.

One that was, er, alive.

[Natsuko]

Oh my goodness, I can think of a couple of silly papers I've written. XDDD

Here's one I wrote for my freshman Advanced English class. We were told to take a fairy tale and place it in a modern setting, and since the story of the Three Billy Goats Gruff has been a running joke between my sister and me (she totally messed it up telling it to me when I was little and forever ruined it for me), I just souped it up. A lot. (It's super long, I'm really sorry. D: )

Once upon a time, there were three billy goats. They were often called the Big Goat, the Middle Goat, and the Small Goat, even though they were roughly the same size. Being neighbors and friends, they happily lived together in a suburb of San Francisco, California. They were such great friends that they even worked at the same office and commuted to work together. Every day, the goats woke up at the same time, ate breakfast at the same time, and climbed into their cars at the same time.

One day, all three goats turned onto the freeway, one after another, as usual. But, as the bridge to the city came into view, the Small Goat in the lead noticed something out of the ordinary. Today, there was a small, square booth on the side of the bridge! As the Small Goat approached it, a bar near the booth lowered, preventing the goats from passing.

As the Small Goat peered into the dark booth, he could make out a faint silhouette of someone standing within. When the shaded figure stepped forward, the animal could see that it was a man, albeit, a sketchy-looking man. The Small Goat listened curiously as the man spoke.

“Hello. Welcome to our automated tollbooth, even though it requires someone to operate it.” Leaning out of the booth’s window, the man noticed that the Small Goat was driving a Vespa. “Since your vehicle is so small, your fee will be one dollar to cross this bridge.”

“How strange,” the goat thought. “I’ve never had to pay to cross this bridge before. I don’t have the money to pay the fee. What should I do?”

Turning back to the toll man, the Small Goat explained his dilemma. “I need to cross this bridge in order to go to work, but I don’t have the money to pay your fee.”

“I’m sorry,” the strange toll man replied, “but I’m afraid I can’t let you pass if you don’t pay.”

Suddenly, the Small Goat came up with a grand idea. He said, “I know the goat who is waiting behind me. If you allow me to pass, perhaps he can pay my toll for me? I’m confident that he will. Also, he drives a bigger vehicle than mine. Surely you’ll be able to charge him more money.”

The toll man considered the goat’s bargain for a moment. “Sure,” he thought to himself, “why collect money from this goat when I can take much more from the next one?”

“All right,” the man agreed. “I’ll let you cross this bridge.” With that, he raised the bar blocking the goat’s path. And the Small Goat sped off across the bridge, not wanting to be late for work.

With the Small Goat gone, the Middle Goat, who was next in line, moved to cross, only to be stopped by the toll man’s bar. Rolling his window down, the Middle Goat listened as the man spoke.

“Good day. Thank you for using our tollbooth. When you need assistance crossing our bridge, we charge you for it.” Leaning out the booth’s window, the man saw that the Small Goat had told the truth. The Middle Goat’s car was larger. He said, “Your fee will be two dollars to cross this bridge, plus another dollar for your friend’s fee.”

To this, the Middle Goat replied, “I’m terribly sorry, but I don’t have to pay you to cross this bridge. You see, I am driving a Prius.”

Upon closer inspection, the questionable toll man observed that the goat in front of him was, indeed, driving one of the hybrid cars. In California, people who drove a Prius with a special sticker did not have to pay any tolls. Disappointed that he wouldn’t collect a bigger fee, he said, “But, you still have to pay for your friend.”

“My apologies,” the goat said, “but I don’t have the money to pay your fee. But, I am good friends with the goat behind me. Could he pay instead? He also drives a much bigger car than mine. I bet you could get a lot of money from him.”

The toll man sighed, knowing he really had no choice but to let the animal leave. “All right,” he agreed, and raised the bar again. And the Middle Goat sped off across the bridge, not wanting to be late for work.

With the Middle Goat gone, the Big Goat, who was last in line, moved to cross, only to be stopped by the toll man’s bar. Turning his head, the Big Goat listened as the man spoke.

“Hello.” The toll man had begun to get impatient. Leaning out the booth’s window, the man saw that the Middle Goat had told the truth. The Big Goat was driving a large car, a Hummer. He could get more money than from the first two goats combined! “Your fee will be ten dollars to cross this bridge,” the toll man said greedily, “plus another dollar for your friend’s fee.”

Suddenly, the Big Goat appeared to be struck by a panic attack. “What!? I didn’t know I had to pay to cross! When did this happen? What did I ever do to you!?” he screamed at the man.

Shocked and caught off guard, the man answered, “Sir, calm down. Just pay your fee and I’ll let you pass.”

But, the Big Goat seemed to not hear him. “Wait! I don’t have time for this! I’m going to be late for work! But, I can’t be late! I just can’t!” The goat then started to sob uncontrollably. Turning to face the toll man, he pleaded, “Please! I don’t have any money! Find it in your kind heart to let me pass without paying!” He began to speak more and more quickly. “Please! I beg of you! If I’m late to work, then my boss will be upset with me, and then I’ll get laid off, and I can’t afford that in this depressing economy! I have a wife and children to think about!” Thinking about it quickly, the goat then said, “Oh, I know! I’ll call my friend and tell him to come over and pay you! Is that okay?”

Annoyed, the toll man said impatiently, “Fine, fine. You can pass.”

The Big Goat continued on, now hysterical. “If not, I’ll lose my job and won’t be able to pay our bills, then my family will be kicked out onto the streets, and we’ll be forced to live in a house made of cardboard, and then we’ll go hungry, and then who knows what!?“

Raising the bar, the toll man nearly yelled, “It’s okay! I said you could go!”

“Oh, thank you so, so much! I promise I’ll tell my friend to come here! Please, sir, I guarantee you won’t regret this! You have my word that—“

“Just go already!!” the man shrieked.

And the Big Goat sped off across the bridge, desperate not to permanently lose his job.

The toll man tiredly slumped over inside the tollbooth. He hadn’t gotten any money at all so far. His only glimmer of hope was a visit from the Big Goat’s friend. Hopefully, the friend would pay a lot of money to compensate for the previous failures.

After waiting a long time with no customers, the toll man noticed a lone car approaching. “It must be the friend!” the toll man thought excitedly. However, lights started flashing upon the car’s roof. “What could that be…?” the man wondered.

In the end, the Big Goat’s friend turned out to be a police officer, who, despite much arguing and crying, quickly arrested the strange toll man for illegally setting up a fake tollbooth. Indeed, he could not escape the iron shackle that is the law.

As for the three billy goats, they all made it to work on time, and not one of them lost their jobs. However, the state of California continued to fall deep into debt. In fact, it fell so irreversibly deep in debt that California’s government was forced to sell all of its land to Canada. To this day, the former American state remains as Canada’s eleventh province. But more importantly, the three billy goats, who would forever be best friends, lived happily ever after.