"inappropriate" age difference

[BelieveInRollins]

Alright so im friends on facebook with a few people that i met through tumblr about a year ago.. 2 of them are close to my age (20 and almost 18) and then the other 2 i found out were 16 and 13. I was going to send birthday cards to my friends that are 16 and 13. but my mom found out about about this and think it's way too inappropriete to be sending stuff to minors. and then i got scolded for an hour on how their parents can misinterpret it for me being a petophile which of course i never intended. I was going to just put like a $10 gift card in each of theres so they can have a little something for their birthday but they said that's way too much you're doing for them. like idk what i should do. I really thought this was harmless but apparently it's not. i mean it's not like we're DATING. like my 16 year old friend she's fine with but it's just the 13 year old friend she's upset about.

what do you guys think?

[Lynne]

As the mom of a 13 year old, I might find it a bit odd for my son to be hanging out with a much older person, but if there was a reason for it that didn't include smoking, drinking, drugs or sex, I'd probably be okay with it as long as I was kept in the loop. I think your mom is being a bit melodramatic...

[tma]

It's stupid that you have to be careful, and my mom is completely nutty about what she thinks of my "online friends". But... I guess that prior to sending anything to your friends- maybe just check w/ them if it would be cool with their folks if you sent them something in the mail. It depends on what the friends' parents think.

I wouldn't think about it though in terms of an age difference thing necessarily- just that some parents freak about the whole Idea of "online friends" and obviously you are just trying to do something nice and not have it be taken badly.

Sorry I couldn't think of a better idea.

[polychrome]

my mom is completely nutty about what she thinks of my "online friends"

anyway ... maybe there is some way that you can make them feel special online? My parent's probably wouldn't have been happy about me exchanging my real address with online connections, especially at 13. I don't think it's bad to have younger friends, but social freedoms certainly increase with age.

[tma]

*grins @ polychrome*

You phrased that Brilliantly! Because it is a natural progression.

[Sneesee]

Many years ago in a land far away called my youth, I was 16 and hanging out with a woman who was 35. She was the older sister of my boss at work. I worked at a Dairy Queen, and was pretty close with the owners. Her sister came one summer to help her run the place so she and her family could take a couple of vacations. Her sister, Bonnie, and I hit it off from the get-go. I loved her laid back personality and wicked sense of humor. Of course, my mother found it strange and inappropriate. I didn't think anything of it, neither did Bonnie, nor did her sister.

I personally feel that if there is no sexual stuff involved, only friendship, then it should be perfectly fine to send a card and contact each other. Heck, I'm friends with some of my daughter's friends on Facebook, and let some of my adult friends be friends with my 15 year old.

Sorry that you are dealing with this. Sometimes mothers have the best of intentions, though. I'm sure she is only trying to prevent a future problem, but it is tough to have to listen to it. *Hugs*

Also, polychrome, you hit the nail on the head with that one! My mom still has a problem understanding my online friends, and I've been an adult and on my own for a long, long time! Ha ha ha!

[Chanel_no5]

I so agree with Sneesee here, as long as there's no sexual stuff involved, what's the harm? When I was fifteen I was really close friends with one of the teachers on my school; she was 55. When my mother found out she forbade me to meet with this woman ever and told her she would call the police if she found out we were still hanging out. Okay, so, it may have seemed weird, but we were really friends, none of us had any inappropriate things going on. My mother however scared her off so bad that she's still reluctant to see me, and it hurts.

While some mothers have the best of intentions, it can come out wrong. But age won't be an issue forever, unless you make a big scene out of it from the beginning (like my mom did). So for the peace of the house, like polychrome says, can you find some online way to do it this time without kicking up a lot of fuss, next time might be easier to get her to understand that it's nothing inappropriate going on.

[JenJen]

I know I certainly wasn't allowed to give anyone online my personal information when I was a minor (only one exception - a girl my age who I was friends with for years before my mom would let me give her our phone number or address).

Though I think your mom is worrying too much. It's not her job to worry about other families and what their reactions will be. She should know your intentions are only friendly. If the girls' parents have a problem with their daughters accepting birthday cards from a friend who happens to be older, then that's their bridge to cross.

[NameTaken]

When I was 13, I had (and still have) a group of online friends-some my own age, the oldest being 20. We all love each other, and age doesn't change anything, except about where we were in life with school and stuff. The oldest is now 27, and we're closer than ever.

My dad was weird when I first started out- which I understand more now, because I was only little...but still. I trust in my own judgement.

What people don't understand is that not everyone on the Internet is trying to rape you.

[Kiwifruit]

^ Agree with what everyone else said xD

[Chanel_no5]

^ How true!!

[Heathcliff]

Kiwi, that is the funniest Pie-chart related joke I've ever seen

[Chanel_no5]

It's funny really, because my parents were always fussing over me when I was hanging out on the internet (and I was older when Internet came around). Fortunately they weren't good enough with computers to actually monitor me and my whereabouts (meaning, I THINK I've managed to keep the sneeze fetish thingies away from them), but they always interfered when I was chatting with anyone. Really, I made a lot of friends of different ages, most of them a lot older than me, but I'm not dumb, I just stopped chatting with people who just tried to talk about sex. Seems a lot of parents don't understand that their children can behave mature, sometimes.

(on the other hand, my sister ended up meeting with strangers, having affairs with drug addicts and psychopaths and God knows what, so...)

[March Hare]

What the everlasting fudge. You're nineteen, for peace's sake.

However, you could always send them nice e-cards.

[jaj1621]

honestly, in the world today, things can get so skewed so quickly....that is so sweet of you to do such a nice thing for them tho....I see no harm in it whatsoever...i just think some look down upon it because they are so quick to read so deeply into something...my parents were always sooooo vocal about being careful and whatnot...

[Just Older]

When I was young, I had friends my own age, some a few years younger and some a few years older. These were neighbours, and play-together-in-the-street friends (hey, when I was younger, kids were actually allowed to run up and down their street). My mom always warned me about the girl who was 2 years older - she's too old for you!

I still have friends - mostly having met in college, or at work - who are a good 9 years younger than me. My own fiance is younger than me. He was in Kindergarten when I was in grade 6, for crying out loud!

When I started playing around online, Yahoo chats were all the rage, and I made some pretty good friends through that. Luckily I had the common sense not to talk about it with my parents, so it was never a huge issue. Otherwise it would have been an issue.

It is a mom's job to worry about her child(ren). You have to wonder about the mother of the 13 year old as well, and how she would react to a card from a 'stranger' and someone older. In the end, as long as everything is kept out in the open, I don't think there is anything wrong about having friends with an age gap.

[Chanel_no5]

In the end, as long as everything is kept out in the open, I don't think there is anything wrong about having friends with an age gap.

I think you put your finger on it right there; as long as everything is kept out in the open.

[Renny]

Hey, my 13 yr old friend does the same thing. With a bunch of otakus. xD

but still. they run the forum for a fanclub we're in and she gave them her address and they sent her birthday and christmas cards. harmlessly.

[Sitruuna]

Hmmn...

Well, when I was 14 I had friends a couple of years younger than I, some my age and a few who were older than I. The youngest was 11 or so (he just followed his sister around) and the oldest was this one guy who was... Something over 20 yo. And we all hanged out together and I never heard anyone say there was something suspicious about any of us. And yes, the young guy's mother knew about the adult male and the other people 18 years old or older...

Also when I still worked at this one café there was this... Group of people who always were there, everyone friends with each other. The oldest one was a 30 (or 32?)-year-old man and the youngest were... 15 or younger. Nothing suspicious there either, even if you go and ask their parents.