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This is a song for the lonely...


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Alright - I think I need to start off with this: I am NOT pitying myself or, in any way, acting like my life is horrible. Because it's not. I am a twenty three year old, mildly pretty, educated, and well founded woman. I have a great and supportive family and some of the best friends that a person has ever had the pleasure of associating with. I go to bed every night in a warm bed next to a man who (says he) loves me.

But... I'm lonely. I can't explain it. I don't understand it, and sometimes it frightens me. Every weekend, my little calendar is packed with different activities that I have planned or been invited to. Every evening after work I come home to a great family... And yet, I still feel hopeless in the world. As if though I am forever stuck in my little office job and that - at 23 - my life is already over.

I don't know if it's because I'm so torn in which way I want my life to go or not. On one hand, I want to go back to school and get a graduate degree and utilize that to become a career woman. On the OTHER hand, however, i want to start a family and get married and have children and watch them grow up. And because I want to do both, I feel as if though neither one of those dreams is obtainable. For some reason I feel like I am so behind the bell curve... That everyone else has already made their decisions in life and are happy in carrying them out... And then there's me. I can't even decide if I want to be with my boyfriend on a daily basis, let alone figure out who I want to spend the REST of my life with and if it's even worth looking right now.

Some people call these spells "anxiety attacks." But that's not what they are. And it's not depression because I am a generally happy person. I like to make people laugh and I like to be with my friends. I don't seclude myself from society, nor do I feel as if though I want my life to end. It's just this feeling of everlasting lonliness that I can't seem to shake off. And then I get frustrated with myself and I begin to realize how much I hate my weight, my skin, my hair, etc. It's like I'm going through the "teenager" stage all over again. But I am a grown ass woman, so that just doesn't make any sense to me.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Or am I just completely insane and being a whiney little bitch?

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Absolutely everyone goes through a period like this. Everyone. And if someone says they haven't, that they've felt 100% confident in the direction of their life from day one, that person is a dirty liar. The thing about social media (facebook especially) is that so many people get to project the image of themselves that they want others to see. So if you're reading through status updates and feeling bummed that everyone's life is flawless and put together, that's only because that's the way they want others to see them. All people have doubts and fears, some are just better at hiding it.

I'm still going through it myself, where I see my life and wonder "jeez, is this it?" I mean, I'd like to start a family too, but I'm still single and still working on my writing career, so... And then I think, well, lots of women have babies in their 30s, right? Even in their 40s, too. And then I think oh god, I'll be the oldest mom at the PTA meetings. And this goes on and on forever until I drink or go to sleep, haha.

I wouldn't consider it an anxiety attack, either. It's just...y'know, thinking about stuff. Worrying about your life. Questioning your reality. Wanting to make change but being nervous about if it's what's right for you right now. And I think that's pretty normal.

If getting a graduate degree is a goal that will make you feel happy and fulfilled, I say go for it! Life's too short not to pursue what makes you happy. And when you're finished, you'll still have plenty of time to work, settle down, make a family if that's what you want. I know you're probably thinking "oh god, I'm almost halfway to 50, I'm running out of time" because that's how I've been thinking for the last few years and I've got a bunch of friends who are also lamenting their age. XD

Just know you're not alone in these feelings. <3

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