Should I tell my boyfriend about the forum?

[Anonymouse]

My boyfriend seems to think I'm hiding something. He knows about the fetish, but I never saw any point in telling him about the forum. I don't know why. I guess I just worry about what he'd think of me, if he saw the stories and drawings I post.

The other day we were sitting side by side and I had my laptop open while he was on his desktop computer. He had a full view of my screen. Somehow, I typed something into the search bar but instead of the website I wanted to go to, this forum popped up. It was on the screen for a good five (LONG) seconds before I managed to navigate away (my cursor has always worked flawlessly, except for that moment, when it seemed frozen), but I didn't think he saw anything. And maybe he didn't. Maybe whatever he seems to think I'm not telling him has nothing to do with SFF.

Which is why I'm not sure if I should tell him or not. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable, which is why I haven't told him yet, but he's been telling me that he doesn't care what I do, as long as it's not cheating, and as long as I'm open with him. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong by being here, but it would still bother me for him to see the stuff I've posted. I'm afraid if I tell him about this place he'll snoop around and read my stories or see my pictures, and that would be really embarrassing for me.

At the same time I think he might just be cool with it. He knows about my fetish and he's cool with that. I just don't know how cool he'd be knowing I belong to a community of people who also get turned on by sneezing. I'm honestly afraid he'll tell me he doesn't feel comfortable with me being here, and then I would feel obligated to leave, which I don't want to do.

I just... don't know what to do. I would rather this be something I keep to myself. I believe people in relationships should have some things that are private, as long as they aren't hurting or cheating on the other person, but he thinks we should be 100% open. But the thing is, I don't expect him to tell me what websites he goes to when I'm not there, or what kind of porn he looks at. I couldn't care less if he looks at porn. It doesn't take away from our relationship.

I would really like some advice on what to do, especially if you've dealt with something like this before.

Edited April 26, 2012 by AnonyMouse

[webmeistro]

I don't see any really compelling reason why you either should or shouldn't tell him. Assuming you're not having X-rated chat with people here, or posting nude sneezing videos, you can't be considered cheating on him in any way. You're just hanging out with people who share your interests, even if that interest happens to be somewhat sexual. Given that your boyfriend knows you like sneezing, he may have deduced that a place like this exists anyway.

Next time you're surfing together, just call him over and say "hey, check this out". Most likely he'll get a chuckle and forget about it.

Of course, if you are making X-rated sneezing videos of yourself... you'd better let me see them for myself, so I can better advise you

Edited April 26, 2012 by webmeistro

[Anonymouse]

Of course, if you are making X-rated sneezing videos of yourself... you'd better let me see them for myself, so I can better advise you

Nope, no X-rated videos of myself. I do write X-rated stories and I roleplay X-rated scenarios regularly with another female member. I do get the occasional shark messaging me but that hasn't happened in a while, thankfully. These all seem like gray areas to me, which is what concerns me. I just wouldn't want him to think this place is unsafe for me, or that I'm somehow cheating on him by doing written roleplays about fictional characters with other members.

[Pilgrim]

I would suggest telling him here exists, and then also telling him not to go on here really. Like that it's cool to browse but just say that generally you wanna keep this little world private and besides which it's not like he stands anything to gain from trawling through the posts here anyways. I mean, it's sort of the same principle as something like your email account; sure you don't have anything to hide in there really, but the only thing letting anyone else into it does is embarrass you. So yeah, just be like hey you know that fetish I have well, there's more than one of me (duh) and we've got our own website (also duh) and you can check it out a little if you want, but I'd like it if you didn't really read in-depth because it's kind of embarrassing and doesn't really have anything to do with you.

Er, that is, only if you think he'd actually honor that. Otherwise no, probably not telling him is the option to go with.

[TheCakeIsAlive]

I personally feel that the idea that the other party is hiding something does make for suspicious feelings that could potentially be harmful to the relationship. But then again, I don't know how the dynamic between you and your boyfriend is, so could be completely wrong. If you don't want to tell him about the forum per se, but do want to reassure him, you could always mention that there is a website / are websites related to your fetish and you feel uncomfortable/embarrassed/other sharing them and would prefer to keep them private.

Not sure how helpful this is but hope it'll solve itself one way or the other. Best of luck!

[JenJen]

If you're worried that his suspicions will increase and potentially do damage to your relationship, I think you should probably level with him. You can tell him the forum exists and that it's a place for others with the fetish to talk amongst like-minded people and share art and stories and whatnot.

But then I'd explain in a firm but kind way that you'd appreciate that he let you have this small privacy. Explain that nothing untoward goes down and that he has nothing to be concerned about, but you simply prefer that he not see what you have posted and could he please not look. Much in the same way that a boyfriend may not want his girlfriend to know the conversational details of a night out with his fellow guy friends, even if it's just harmless dudetalk. Most of us need special places away from our SOs, and it's nothing against them and it's nothing malicious, it's just the way we are.

Then again, I'm currently single with three failed relationships behind me, so...not sure my advice is sound. But it's what I'd do, in any case.

[Salamander]

I agree that you can tell him if you want, but you don't need to be specific. After all, talking in on online forum about your turn-ons is not cheating, and it is not a crime. I told my boyfriend (now husband) that I use the internet to read sneezefic and role-play, and offered to let him read some fic, and you know what, he didn't make it all the way through the first example I sent him because it was so uninteresting to him. His response was, after about three pages, 'Ok I get the impression, I have a better idea of what you like, can I please read something more interesting now?!?"

To misquote my favourite advice giver, Mr Dan Savage, "don't act like you're telling your partner a horrible secret, you don't have cancer or anything (I hope!) you have a cool, interesting kink."

So if you do tell, I'd recommend-

"Honey, did I mention I use the internet to speak to other people with my fetish, on forms and things, so I can read erotica and role-play etc? Lucky you to get a girlfriend who's so kinky, interested and engaged in her sexuality."

over

"I'm so sorry, I never meant to hide it from you, I know you think I'm keeping a secret... well... it's like this... I spend a lot of time online talking to people with my fetish, I'm a sex-obsessed weirdo and you're not getting all my sexual attention. I'm sorry I'm such a bad girlfriend..."

Also- if he's not ok with you being part of a community which helps support you in a part of your life which is very personal, most of whom you'll never meet, or he feels that co-writing erotica is cheating, and these things are obviously very important to you then he isn't worth your time.

I challenge him to tell you he has NEVER watched porn or talked about porn to a guy-friend. EVER.

[March Hare]

JenJen said exactly what I was going to say. Tell him about the forum if not doing do makes you uncomfortable, but don't let him see anything you don't want him to see, because you don't have to.

[NameTaken]

^^^ You guys all said it more eloquently than I ever could (particularly Salamander and JenJen). Sorry Anony, I'm useless compared to these amazing advice giving peeps.

[AmeliePoulain]

I agree completely with Pilgrim and JenJen. I think you should tell him if it feels like you're hiding something, but also be honest and firm about expressing that it's harmless and that it's important to you that he not peruse it extensively. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be dating someone who was unwilling to respect that or to allow me my privacy. If he cares about you and wants to understand you, it seems like this should be something he can accept!

You mentioned something about being obligated to leave the forum, which would be upsetting for you, if your being on it makes him feel uncomfortable. I disagree. Your being on the forum has nothing to do with him! (Unless you're explicitly describing your sexual experiences with him on here or something - but even in that case, you could still stay on the forum and just stop indirectly involving him in that way.) It would be upsetting to me if you left the forum against your will because of his (unfounded) discomfort. I hope he does accept it so that this is a non-issue

[Anonymouse]

Soooooo I told him before we left to visit my friends at college and he was totally okay with it! It was the least uneventful thing that could have happened. I said "Hey, I know you've been getting weird vibes from me, but it's just because I've been trying to decide whether or not to tell you about this forum I visit, a forum dedicated to my fetish that I've been going to since I was sixteen. I didn't even realize I had a fetish until I went there."

And he was like "Oh, that's really no big deal." I was like, shaking and about to cry as I told him because I get super nervous about the stupidest shit. He was like "I go on guitar forums all the time." And even when I said it was different because it was about my fetish, not a hobby, he was like "It's really no big deal, but I'm glad you were honest with me."

Sp now everything's good! We're at my college having a great freaking time (because it's Springfest weejkend which is... well... a fun weekend lol).

Thank you guys so much for your advice! You were all so supportive and helpful. I love this place.

[NameTaken]

Yes! Best result! Also have fun, dude!

[JenJen]

Hahahaha, "I go on guitar forums", that's crazy amusing to me for some reason. XD Your boyfriend sounds like a sweetie. I'm glad the discussion went so easily! Leave it to us to get so worked up about something that no one else even bats at eye at, eh?

Edited April 28, 2012 by JenJen

[doggo]

He was like "I go on guitar forums all the time."

KEEPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, that was effin awesome.

[March Hare]

Hooray! And you lived happily ever after.