Irritating - FMA oneshot, cowritten with DaylightStarr :)

[SapphireSong]

Hey there everyone! So the other day, DaylightStarr and I decided to try our hand at doing a roleplay-style collaboration fic over instant messaging. We originally intended it to be just for fun, since we are actually planning a more involved piece about Edward and Winry and we wanted to just get the hang of cowriting with one another. However, what we came up with ended up working VERY well and we decided to share it with you!

Title: Irritating

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood/manga

Disclaimer: We don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. Trust me, if we did, you would know. The series belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, and we love her very very much for creating all of these wonderful characters.

Summary: As if ragweed season wasn't enough, now Roy has to deal with with another diminutive irritant.

A/N: This is a oneshot created between myself and Daylightstarr. We did it roleplay/tradeoff style, and then I streamlined it together when we finished. The credit for allergic!Mustang goes entirely to her XDD She also wrote Alphonse Elric. I did Riza Hawkeye and the Fullmetal holy terror Alchemist. It was insanely fun to write, so we hope you enjoy reading it too!

Irritating

(a roleplay-style collab by smileyfacegirl^^ and DaylightStarr)

~~

Normally, Roy Mustang didn't really mind walking to work. It was a good time to get his thoughts together, have some well deserved privacy, and, if he was so inclined, actually talk to himself. Today, however, was not one of those days. The summer thus far had been muggy and windy, with very little rain; and the combination was unfortunately an unpleasant one for the already harried colonel.

When he was halfway to the office, he pulled out a well-used handkerchief and stopped in the middle of the walkway, bringing it up to his face tentatively. "Heh-heh... are you kidding me?!" It wasn't his first false start of the day, and judging from the bright, sunny day and the infernally cheerful breeze, it certainly wouldn't be his last. All he had to hope for was some real sneezes thrown in there to give him some form of relief.

Not caring if he surprised the whole team, Mustang opened the door of his staff room with a loud bang.

The effect was somewhat spoiled when he saw that his assistant was the only one there so far.

"Hawkeye, where the hell is everyone else?" It was going to be a hard battle, but Roy was determined to fight back the congestion that might make him seem less than himself.

Any other person might have just about had a heart attack at his unheralded conniption, but First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was not easily startled. "Good morning, sir," she said calmly, without looking up from the fanned-out stack of folders that she was currently sifting through. "And in answer to your question..." She paused, picking up a stray pen to make a note on the corner of one page; then swept the folders into a pile, satisfied. "I can honestly say that I have no idea, except that it is only 8:21, and it's not exactly unheard of for the members of our unit to take their time getting here."

Leaving the folders in a perfect stack, she looked up at last, rising from the seat behind her desk. As she came around to join him, she quietly assumed her customary attentive stance. However, rather than commencing her usual rundown of the pertinent day’s schedule, she instead gave her superior officer a cursory searching look. It only took her a moment to discern the cause of his distemper; she knew him well enough that she saw what others probably did not. The little things, like the slight pinkness to the corners of his eyes, and the way he wrinkled his nose whenever he inhaled.

She pressed her lips together, resisting an odd urge to smile. "Honestly, I'm a little surprised you're here this early. Did you walk?"

Mustang rolled his eyes and picked the handkerchief out of his pocket, bringing it to his face and taking a sharp breath through his mouth. "Heh..." And it was gone. "Damn it!" The curse was almost a growl as he headed for his office, the doorway to which was set into the far wall. "Of course I walked here. Why wouldn't I?" Stopping short, Mustang turned around and leveled a gaze at his subordinate. "The Elric brothers are due back from their mission today, aren't they? If they come here, send them right in. Other than that, I am not to be bothered unless it's some sort of an emergency, understood?"

She nodded swiftly. “Yes sir.” Face impassive, she wordlessly extended the stack of folders to him, which he accepted with subtle reluctance.

Then, he turned around, and would have cut a sharp, authoritative figure.. if his body hadn't picked that second to finally rebel. "Hep-eh-Chhuu! Heh-chhu!" Closing his eyes, Mustang didn't even bother to look back at Hawkeye. "Send for some more handkerchiefs, will you?"

The door slammed behind him, and the sound of him blowing his nose could only just be made out.

Hawkeye sighed quietly, working out the logistics of what she had just been told even as part of her mind analyzed the sounds coming from behind the sturdy office door. Running her fingers through her bangs to settle them in place, she glanced briefly at the clock before making her way to the main door. If her gut feeling was correct (and it usually was), today was going to be an especially long day.

~~

It was nearly half an hour later when Hawkeye finally reentered the staff room, several neatly folded handkerchiefs in her hands. Really, how hard should it be to find spare handkerchiefs around here? she thought, more than a little irritated. After a good fifteen minutes of searching, she hadn't been able to turn up anything - not even down at the infirmary. Vexed, she had resorted to asking at the front desk, where the receptionist had finally been able to offer some clean ones of her own and her coworkers'. Riza did not appreciate the inordinate amount of time this little errand had eaten up, and she knew that her commanding officer would not either. Thus, she steeled herself for the inevitable as she knocked on his office door.

"Yes, what is it?" Came the irritable reply. "If it's dot ad ebergdcy..." Heaving an exasperated sigh, Roy gave up all pretenses of trying not to sound stuffed up. "Cobe id."

The stacks of untouched paperwork told Hawkeye that he had been completely unproductive while she was out on her errand. And not the normal, Mustang-brand of unproductive, in which he would do anything BUT his job, but simply sit-and-stare unproductive. The handkerchief in his hand had gone from well-used to unusable during her half-hour trek as well.

"Did you have to go all the way dowd to the shops?" He reached for them almost before she was in range, then wasted no time burying his face in the soft white folds. "Hep-eh-chuu! Heh-isshh-chhu! Heh... Heh-isshh! Eh-choo!" With an utter lack of propriety, Mustang blew his nose long and hard, and rubbed his itching eyes. "Oh, the brothers called while you were out. They'll be here, shortly."

He couldn't help but grin at that, obviously wishing that Ed had actually been in the room when he'd said it.

Riza chose to ignore the first comment, and addressed the second with her usual professional tact. "Very well, sir, I will be sure to let them in." She narrowed her eyes in the direction of the windows behind his desk - one of which, amazingly, was cracked open.

"Colonel," she said carefully, "did you intend for the window to be open? I think perhaps you may find it more comfortable if you close it."

Roy looked behind him and frowned. "Yeah I did, actually. It was so stuffy id here I could hardly thik." He rubbed at his throbbing sinuses and used another handkerchief. "Close theb if you wad, I do't really care." When he glanced down at the pile of papers, he sighed and ran a hand though his thick, unkempt hair.

Riza did not say anything more; however, she moved discreetly to the back of the room and slid the errant window shut.

~~

"Ahhh, man..." Despite the fact that he was standing in the middle of a hallway within the largest military branch in Eastern Amestris, Edward Elric had no reservations about vociferating his complaints. "Two whole weeks on the road, I haven't had a good meal in days, we don't even find anything and now this?" The blond boy heaved an exaggerated sigh, turning his attention from the large staff-room door to his brother's imposing metallic figure. "Remind me again why we have to waste a perfectly good morning talking to Colonel Arrogant.."

If Al had had a mobile face, he would have blinked before he started to talk. As it was, his voice was soft and circumspect. "You know that’s the trade-off for Colonel Mustang giving us any leads at all. Isn't that equivalent exchange?" He knew better than to expect that reasoning with his disgusted brother would actually make a difference, but he still did his best to try. "He needs to know what we're doing, anyway."

With that, he followed his brother into Roy's staff room. "Good morning Lieutenant Hawkeye. How is everything for you?"

"Good morning, Alphonse, I am well, thank you," Hawkeye responded, her tone a degree or two warmer than it usually was when she was working. She heard the elder Elric muttering something along the lines of 'equivalent exchange my ass' and tactfully decided to refrain from wondering about the beginnings of that conversation. "And how are you today, Edward? It's good to see both of you."

"Oh.." Ed looked up, as if noticing the Lieutenant for the first time. "I'm okay. Thanks." He glanced warily around the room, crossing his arms. "So.. where is he?" He spoke flatly, as though he could really care less about the answer.

Hawkeye almost seemed to hesitate for a fraction of a second, but then quickly stepped to the side. "He's in his office," she replied simply, motioning to the back of the room. "You can go in. He's expecting you."

Ed rolled his eyes, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Hmh, right." He tromped toward the door, tossing a glance back at his brother. "C'mon, Al. Let's get this over with."

As Hawkeye watched them cross the room, she almost regretted sending them in, though she knew she had no choice in the matter. Finally. though, she straightened and followed after them, clasping her hands behind her back. She had a suspicion that her mediation skills might be needed shortly.. for in all likelihood, this was not going to go well.

As Al followed his brother to the closed door, he turned around and looked back at Hawkeye. "Thank you Ma'am. Brother, don't forget to knock."

The reminder came too late as Ed let himself in.

"Never mind." Al's voice was low and mildly chiding, but he followed Ed into the lion's den anyway.

"If this is't ad eberg... oh, Fullbetal. Excuse be." Roy got up and turned around, walking toward a corner in the room to blow his nose. After he turned back, he was able to breathe more clearly. "Did you find anything of import on your travels?" Roy's eyes fluttered shut and his breath hitched, and he grimaced, trying not to sneeze in front of his two young informants. "Heh...heh-Chumph..." The sneeze was quickly smothered into a handkerchief and his nose was pinched almost violently.

Finally, when he was sure it was an isolated incident, he raised his eyes and saw Hawkeye in the doorway. "Cobe id, cobe id, the bore the berrier, I guess."

Alphonse's voice was concerned. "Colonel? Are you all right?"

"Fide, just fide, thak you." He turned his eyes back to Ed, raising thick black eyebrows pointedly. "You were sayidg?"

Edward had watched the whole thing with something akin to surprise; but as soon as he had Mustang's full attention, a slow grin spread across his young face. "What's the matter, Colonel?" he responded easily. "Get caught in the rain again?"

"Brother... that's not your business." Al protested, sounding embarrassed.

Roy narrowed red-rimmed eyes at the teenager. "As Al says, it's dot your busidess. But if I have caught cold, it's just a little ode." Helping himself to the diminishing stack of handkerchiefs, Roy snapped forward. "Heh-eh-chuu! heh-isshh! Heh-isshh-uu! heh..heh...heh-eh-chuu! Eh-CHUU!" The last sneeze was especially loud, and seemed to drain him. Roy slumped back in his chair, closing his eyes, momentarily heedless of his captive audience. Finally, he collected his thoughts and looked at Ed, forbidding him to say anything. "What did you fide od your travels? Adythig of idterest?" He sounded exhausted, but determined to get through the interview.

Ed gave him a cagey look, as though trying to decide whether or not Roy's ill-tempered comments had contained an insult somewhere. Miraculously, however, he decided the answer was no and gave some serious thought to Mustang's query. "Well, we went all the way to Tral, just like you suggested; but it turned out the legend of the stone was just something people made up to attract alchemists."

He snorted, crossing his arms. "They had like.. I dunno, some kind of natural disaster, and they needed alchemists to come and help them fix stuff up. When we showed up to investigate, they didn't appreciate it very much.. guess they didn't want people to find out they were nothing but a bunch of lazy liars..." He shook his head darkly, unfolding his arms to fiddle with his pocketwatch. "It's a good thing I had this, or else they probably wouldn't have believed I was a State Alchemist. Bastards." He rolled his eyes. "And if that wasn't bad enough, they weren't even friendly." He looked up, his golden eyes taking on a wicked glint. "...Kinda reminds me of someone else I know..."

He paused, something seeming to occur to him. "Hey.. we got that tip from you, Colonel." He narrowed his eyes. "Didn't you do any research on Tral?" He straightened slowly as the realization hit him. "You're just making me and Al do all your dirty work, aren't you!" he accused, stepping closer to Roy's desk.

Roy closed his eyes and tried to sniffle through his stuffy nose, which was quickly becoming more blocked. "Yes Fullbetal. That bust have bid it. Dever bide that you just said yourself they specialize id lurig people id with false advertisig." He took a deep, almost pained breath through his mouth, and rubbed at his unbearably itchy eyes. "Did you help theb, eved if they were't ‘friedly’?" Before he could even wait for an answer, however, he held up a finger and buried his face in a handkerchief again. "Hep-isshhuu! Heh-heh-eh-chhuu! Heh-Isshh! Heh-eh-CHHUU! Dab it!" The outburst was as unexpected for Roy as it was for the rest of the people in the room. He cleared his throat and straightened, trying to look dignified again. "Excuse be..."

"Maybe we should do this another time, Brother." Al sounded nervous, and looked back at Hawkeye, trying to get a feel of what she was thinking.

Roy's logical (albeit congested) response had effectively neutralized the particular vein of argument that Edward had been planning to travel down.. so, thus deterred, he opted to address Al's comment instead. "Maybe you're right, Al," he began, eying Mustang guardedly. "I'm not even sure what the hell he just said." He backed off from Mustang's desk again, following his brother's line of sight back to Lieutenant Hawkeye and then returning his gaze to the Colonel. "I'm starting to wonder if we should be worried about quarantine, geez - "

"He's not sick." For the first time, the Lieutenant actually spoke up, startling all three of the room's other occupants.

For a moment, Ed looked as though he thought she was joking, yet knew that was characteristically impossible. "No?" he returned, derisive affectation fading somewhat in the wake of his genuine bewilderment. "Well then..." He trailed off, sneaking another glance at the suffering Flame Alchemist.

"No," Hawkeye repeated firmly, sighing a little. "The Colonel happens to have a propensity for hay fever, and it would seem that today it is exceptionally severe."

Edward blinked. "Hay fever.. wait." Threat of potential contagion gone, he ambled back over to the Colonel's desk, closer this time. "So you're allergic to... what, exactly?" His expression was not derogatory, just curious and a bit skeptical.

After shooting Hawkeye what could only be called a ghost of a withering glare, Roy stood up and rubbed his eyes, which were starting to look oddly swollen. "Ragweed, if you have to know. I've had this reactiod sidce I was a kid. And this year is especially bad." After trying to sniffle again and failing, Roy got to his feet, walked away and blew his nose as quietly as he could.

Al took the time Mustang was occupied to talk to his brother. "We should go. He doesn't feel good and having us here bothering him, asking questions and all that, can't be making him feel better. What do you think, Lieutenant Hawkeye?"

Roy rejoined them and looked woefully down at his pile of handkerchiefs, which he'd reduced to a pitiful stack of three in the short time since he'd gotten them. "I still have bore questiods about that towd...” he persisted hoarsely, gesturing for them to stay. “Were there ady...ady... Heh-ehshhuu! Hep-isschhu! Heh... HEH-Chuu! Eh-ISSHHU! Dab..." The oath was more weakly muttered this time, as if his entire body was being sapped of all energy – which wasn't far from the truth. Roy scrubbed at his nose rather hard and closed his eyes. "You doe what? To hell with it. Just... Tell Hawkeye adythig you thik I should doe, will you?"

Al was on his way to the door before Ed, but not as quickly as Hawkeye. "Come on Brother, let's go."

Edward ignored his brother’s prompting for a moment, treating Mustang to a small dose of impudent snickering. "Ha, so even sunny days can make you useless, is that it?" he snarked, splaying his hands in an exaggerated shrug. "I should have known.."

Hawkeye stiffened, preparing herself to forcibly remove Fullmetal from the office if necessary; but what he did next was completely unexpected.

"All right, fine," he continued, glancing back at Hawkeye. "But before I do, lemme show you something." Grinning, he brought his palms together; and blue filaments of alchemic energy subsequently arced briefly to each corner of the room, illuminating the air.

Hawkeye's practiced hands went to her holsters upon sheer reflex; but to her surprise, nothing in the room changed form or composition, at least that she could see.

When the light faded, Edward simply dusted off his hands, still smirking in the Colonel's direction. "You know, Colonel, I learned to transmute impurities out of the air when I was eight," he informed him, more than a little smugly. "It's pretty basic. Here I thought you would know that equation." He slid his hands into his pockets, preparing to turn back toward his brother. "Or is that dumb flame alchemy of yours the only thing you ever studied? That would explain a lot." With that final dig, Ed turned, waving a hand. "See ya later, Colonel."

He proceeded to cross the room with a swagger that only a fifteen-year-old could pull off; then, without so much as glancing back at any of the others, he marched straight out the door.

END

~~

And there you have it

Comments and feedback welcome!

[Ciuty80]

i LOVE fma!!!!

i LOVE roy mustang!!!

i LOVE his sneezes!!!

and i LOVE you for writing so much WONDERFUL fma stuff on here!!!

and this one-shot is awesome!!

roys sneezes and his congesting talking just melted me!!!

thanks for this (also thanks to DaylightStarr)!!!

Edited September 1, 2012 by Ciuty80

[Always-a-Ginger]

Don't know FMA well but I love this. Particularly the end.

Very good.

[SapphireSong]

@Ciuty80: Thank you so much! Yeah, DaylightStarr's Mustang is LOL XDD She did a terrific job

@Always-a-Ginger: Wow, thank you! I'm glad that you could enjoy it without being too familiar with the fandom XD hahaha and I came up with the ending, so thanks!

[FireandFlames]

How did I miss this one? I know I haven't been on the forum daily, but still....

That was amazing! I love your wonderful FMA fanfics. Your characterization with Hawkeye and Ed is always fantastic, and I loved DaylightStarr's Mustang. Keep writing wonderful stories!

P.S. Fifteen-year old swagger is hilarious.

[SapphireSong]

Awwwww, thank you! I'm so glad you liked it.. and yeah I do plan to keep writing and cowriting FMAwrong for as long as it suits me to (which could be a long, long time seriously, Hiromu Arakawa's characters are so dang fun to write... )

P.S. Fifteen-year old swagger is hilarious.

HAHAHAHA!!! I'm glad you think so. And you know Ed has it. XDD