Paramnesia (Complete, 9 Parts)

[VividBubbles!]

I-I think this made me... sad. I don't know why. But, it's just a feeling of sadness, and a little understanding, and a lot of confusion.

You know, I think I like Journey. She reminds me a little of one of your other characters but for the life of me I can't remember whom (it is whom, isn't it?). I also like River. And Quest. But, I think my favorite is Tripp.

Speaking of Tripp, I think my theory may be right. But it also might be wrong. I have nothing. But, like my friends and I say "Nothing is something and something is anything and anything, well, anything can be everything."

I love this, btw. If you were wondering. It's like a really entertaining puzzle that I keep finding missing pieces for.

Yeah, anyway, more please!

BYE!

[EmeraldThread]

So I read part 4 sometime around midnight and at the time couldn't formulate my thoughts into a coherent comment. I'm not sure I even can now, but I'm gonna try.

I think what I started thinking around this part was...how many characters are there really? It's just a curiosity that's been floating in my mind, and it connects with some of my theories. It's weird, because in a way you've been contradicting everything I've been theorizing thus far, and then leaning toward something like confirmation and I'm so darn confused. xD But I'm loving it at the same time.

Anyway, about my question about how many characters there are, I might be just reading too much into that sort of thing - it was the theme of my British lit class this morning, and I'm just connecting it to everything now. Like VividBubbles!, I really like Tripp.

I'm really interested in finding out what comes next. I don't know if I've said it before, but the fact that you write so many vastly different stories is just amazing, and I love reading them ALL.

[Emily]

Curse my curious soul. When I can formulate a proper reply to this, I so totally will. Like tomorrow afternoon when I've come home and it's Friday, and I can procrastinate all the heck I like. But I think I may be getting this. Sort of. Maybe.

whatever this is man, it feels like a dream ; u ; a dream that makes me wanna keep reading foreveeeer <3

I promise thee a real reply when mine head be not drooping upon mine breast LOL

[Ciuty80]

this is soooooo disgusting...by the way...i HATE spiders

Quest’s mouth shaped some reply, but Riv couldn’t hear it. The bee was back. And his neck…he felt a crawling sensation. It moved around to the side of his throat, where the sensation heightened to one of pain. Riv put his hand to the spot and felt a bulge, felt the skin start to break, felt wetness trickle between his fingers.

A spider scuttled down his arm. Riv watched it in frozen horror as it skittered over to Quest, who held out his palm to receive it. He smiled sadly. “Riv. Have you met my spider?”

but the passage with the no-face...well...very creepy *shivers*

passing the sickness to others is here somewhat amusing poor tripp

keep it going!!! please more!

[Scion]

VividBubbles!: You have amazing intuition. Still very excited to see how your theories turn out! And thank you I'm so glad you love it it makes me so happy you have no idea! P.S. Tripp is kinda my favorite, too, shh.

ElementsofGray: One day one of your comments WILL kill me. I REALLY enjoyed reading your theory. Seriously. I want to say something but I can't because I don't want to give anything away, but... Keep the theories coming (unless you don't want to in which case that is totally fine). Honestly, coming on here after posting and not really being too sure about a certain part I wrote, and THEN reading your comment...just makes everything better. Thank you!

Emily: Haha, I remember when I used to do all my homework at like midnight on Sunday (technically Monday, but y'know...). I should discourage you from doing this but I will not because I need more of your comments and I am a bad person I'm sorry please forgive me. <3

Ciuty80: Faceless people have always freaked me out LOL! Get ready for much more creepiness. (And some possible fluff).

Part Six:

A blue blaze burned inside him, contrasting the crawl of icy fingers along his back. He itched all over, couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move. The sensation of little legs crawling on his skin was enough to make him want to scream, but he knew if he opened his mouth, the spiders would get inside and choke him.

So he screamed only within his own head.

“Just calm down, Riv,” Quest’s cool voice instructed. “They’re not going to hurt you if you don’t want them to. Trust me. Just relax. Breathe.”

HOW!? he wanted to shout--but couldn’t. FUCKING HELP ME!

“Don’t you trust me, Riv?” Quest wondered.

Did he? God, he thought he did. Didn’t know why, didn’t care. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I trust you. I do. I trust you.

“Then listen to me.” Although Riv couldn’t see, he felt Quest’s presence beside him. “There’s nothing to worry about. My spiders would never hurt you. I would never hurt you. I could never. So just…be. And everything will be fine.”

Riv pictured Quest’s face, those intense and yet quieting blues, and experienced a swell of calm. It would be okay, like Quest had said. It had to be. Just like that, the spiders were gone and Quest was there, hauling him to his feet.

Riv brushed pointlessly at his arms. “You enjoyed that, didn’t you?”

“Me?” Quest put on a look of extreme innocence. “What happened to trust?”

“Your little pets ate most of it,” Riv quipped.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Quest crossed his arms, stuck out his dimpled chin. “Spiders don’t eat nouns.”

“Oh, right. They only eat verbs. My mistake.” Irritated, Riv glanced around, half-expecting to be dangling up in the air by a pair of invisible wires.

The reality wasn’t anything as exciting, though it wasn’t any more palatable. A dark, gloomy, dilapidated graveyard hardly constituted a fun time. An old willow tree shielded the moon from view, though he could see the tender light spilling between arthritic branches.

“A graveyard? Really?” Riv shivered and took an unobtrusive step nearer to Quest.

“Actually, spiders eat mostly insects, some reptiles, and--”

“I don’t want to know. Thanks anyway.”

Quest shrugged his blue leather-clad shoulders. “Suit yourself.” He tossed an annoyed scowl at Riv before turning away to stifle a sneeze into his palm. “IhNXCH!”

Unaccountably guilty, Riv turned his concentration to the nearest tombstone. It was a physical feeling, the breaking inside him. A ribbon of pain tied itself around his heart, then pulled tighter and tighter until the organ split in two. The clay-colored grass blurred beneath his feet. His knees hit a patch of anemic weeds.

Tripp Jordan Quick

1994 - 2012

Always in Our Hearts

Riv literally felt the life draining out of him; oily black clouds rippled behind his eyes. It was going to rain inside of him and he was going to drown. His grief was too much for simple tears. He was a storm. He was fire and ice and wind and destruction.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Riv drew his head back and slammed it forward as hard as he could into the stone--agony blinded him for a moment, and he heard something crack.

Unconsciousness came slowly, trickling through him like rainwater.

…dark…

…wanted…it…

- - -

“Wanna trade? Unless you want to be seen with cotton candy the color of my sister’s pretty princess costume.”

Riv looked up into Tripp’s teasing eyes. “You don’t have a sister.” Why did his hands feel so sticky?

Tripp flashed a grin. “Well, if I did she’d definitely have a pretty princess costume.”

Breathe. Nothing’s wrong. You’re with Tripp. How can anything be wrong when you’re with… Whoa, whoa, what was he thinking? After an awkward throat-clearing, he grumbled, “Only because you bought it for yourself and needed an excuse.”

A minuet of colored lights distracted Riv for a moment. Not far away, a clown juggled black and pink balls. Distant screams echoed from the direction of the rollercoaster. Off to the left, a teenage girl shot darts at board of balloons; something about her seemed familiar, but before he could figure it out, a crowd of annoyingly cheery moms, patient dads, and screaming kids blocked her from sight.

Never having been a big fan of carnivals, Riv could only imagine Tripp had somehow managed to guilt him into coming.

He had a pretty mean set of puppy eyes.

Tripp let out a snicker. “Now, why would I need an excuse? Pink happens to be my favorite color. Brings out my masculinity.”

A mustachioed hotdog vendor called out, “GET YOUR DOGS HERE, TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! EXTRA ONIONS ON THE HOUSE!”

“Fancy,” Tripp commented. He had on his usual green and grey striped shirt. “So, you gonna trade with me or what?” Powder blue cotton candy was thrust at Riv.

Glancing down, Riv realized his cotton candy was indeed a very pretty shade of princess pink. “Sounds like a fair deal.” They swapped. Riv squinted at the red fingerprints left behind on his raspberry cloud.

Tripp eyed him. “Can I try some of yours to compare?”

Riv smiled. “They taste the same.”

“How d’you know? You’ve never had cotton candy before in your life.”

“Fine, here, you win.” Riv held the giant ball of sugar out to Tripp, who leaned in to snatch a bite.

After several minutes of intense chewing, which couldn’t possibly have been necessary, Tripp concluded, “Yours is sweeter.” Then he smothered a sneeze into his elbow, almost losing his sugared air in the process. “Huh’mmpsshhhhih! I think I’m allergic to sweetness. D’you think that’s possible?”

“You?” Riv scoffed, batting his friend playfully on the back of the head. “Wouldn’t that be like being allergic to yourself?”

Tripp scoffed down more candy. “Watch it, or next time I’m sneezin’ on you.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Do I smell a bet?”

“I think that’s rancid hotdogs, actually.”

“Hey, I like hotdogs!”

“You would.”

Tripp made a sneezy face and edged toward him.

Riv backed off, laughing--and banged into someone. “Shit, sorry!”

“Jeez, bud, don’t say ‘shit’ to strangers. They might get offended,” Verity said.

Riv spun around, disoriented. “And don’t just pop out of nowhere to give stupid advice!”

“You two at each other again?” Lore said. He draped an arm around his sister’s shoulders and tutted. The word LOSER was painted in blue across his forehead.

“This from a guy with that”--Riv gestured to his own brow--“on his forehead?”

A sniffle from Tripp, then: “Ih--hihidtchshhh!”

“Bless you!” the twins chorused.

“Ha! You missed!” The smile fell off Riv’s face when he saw the expression on Tripp’s. “What, what what’s wrong?”

Tripp was staring at him, and God he looked so sad. “Nothin’. Just thinkin’.”

Riv laid a hand on his shoulder. “About dead puppies?”

“Heh…” Tripp went to stifle the sneeze, almost too late, with strange effect. “ISHnxgk!” He looked so cute and mystified that Riv had to ruffle his pink-tipped hair.

“Riv? Please come back to me. I miss you.”

“Journey?”

“Huh?” Tripp asked.

“He’s talking to himself again,” Verity put in. “Must be the drugs.”

“What drugs?”

Verity made a show of shrugging with dramatic offence. “Don’t ask me! I’m not into that stuff.”

“Riv, pleeeeeeeeeease!” Journey begged.

She pulled at him; he fought, but she pulled and pulled and tugged him into nothing. And then the nothing became something.

- - -

I don't usually write things this sad. It's unnerving... HOLD ME.

[VividBubbles!]

"And then nothing became something."

I think I love you.

Also, I WILL HOLD YOU IF YOU HOLD ME I AM SAD NOW!

Tripp.

[LeadaAlexys52]

Did you catch the clues?

Clues...what clues? Oh dear I am being dense.

There's a lot in a name...(or in this case, every name). Just saying.

Agreed. Still not sure what is going on entirely, very much want to understand...but still intrigued!

[Ciuty80]

ohhhh is tripp really...already dead?????

my confusion reached a point where i may think: "am i insane or too dumb to understand this?!?"

still i try to figure out who is in which "dream/universe" maybe i´ll get it when i re-read it all again

please more!

[Emily]

LOL okay so I fell asleep before I came to check on the forum. But I can give you another spazzy reply now

And whaddaya mean you don't usually write stories this sad? There's always like one part of all your stories that make my eyes go watery. But group huggles to cure your pain anyway (what would we do without you? D:)

And also I saw "mustachioed" which I did not realize was a real word. I'm going to use it everywhere now

But jesus, lord, why Tripp??!?!?! whywhywhy ; _____ ; couldn't have killed off Journey or something (LOL okay now my personal preferences are starting to show)

is something another hallucinated reality? D: dude, your cliffhangers never fail!

[Scion]

VividBubbles!: LOL, you caught that little reference to you! Your words inspire me. *hugs*

Ciuty80: You're not dumb - it's that I haven't explained anything at all yet! I'd be very shocked if you weren't totally confused.

Alexys52: Haha, I can see how it would be hard to pick up clues when you can't tell what's important and what's not! But assume everything is a clue.

Emily: Spazzy replies are the best kind. LOL I guess I am immune to my own stories (or I WAS!). Dude, mustachioed is the best word ever. There are all kinds of uses for it. ALSO, your personal feelings are hilarious and you should share them more often.

Part Seven:

“Riv, you came!” Journey threw her arms around him and held him close. She rained kisses along his neck, running her fingers through his blond hair.

White. Everything was pure white, like freshly fallen snow. The two of them stood intertwined in a barren, windowless room. There was no exit that he could see. Icy sweat prickled his spine. What…was this…? He didn’t want it. Wanted to go back to Tripp.

“Please, Riv. I’m so lonely.”

He could hear the tears in her voice, could feel them drip onto his collarbone and wind down his chest. Guilty, he locked his arms around her and hugged her tight. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m here now. I’m here.”

But…he…

Journey pulled back to look up at him with wet eyes the color of ice crystals. Her lips shined a frosty shade of ivory, her complexion like a pearl. Even her hair was dusted with silvery dust, her lashes tipped with snow. “Never leave me again, okay? Promise.”

“I…” No, this was wrong. She wasn’t--he wasn’t--a teardrop of crimson dripped to the white floor. More soon followed it. Dizziness made him waver.

“Poor River, always so confused,” Quest said.

Riv felt Quest’s presence like the ocean tide, drawing him in. He didn’t know what he wanted, but here in this place of whitewhitewhite, he was no one - something was missing, a part of him, a part of…

“Stop thinking so much,” Quest instructed. “It’s not a mystery or a maze or a puzzle you have to figure out. It just is. Kinda like my spider.”

Kinda like…your spider. Well, thank you for that very helpful revelation. Everything suddenly makes perfect sense. NOT.

“Not everything has to make SENSE, River. Stop being so literal.”

“I will if you stop being so fucking obscure! I mean, you’re not old or wise enough to fill the role of Riddle-Spouting Arcane Old Guy With A Long White Beard.”

A pause. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. But if you don’t like where you are, then don’t be there. It’s simple.”

And it was. Because he knew exactly where he wanted to be.

- - -

Tripp was walking away and Riv was doing nothing to stop him. On the porch, his mom clutched her fluffy bathrobe about her and made a sound of disgust.

“I told you not to hang around with--with that person. There’s nothing good in him.”

That wasn’t true. Everything in Tripp was good. Everything. Riv was the bad one. Even though he knew this, he did nothing. She could be a bitch, but she was still his mom and he didn’t know what he’d do if she looked at him the way she’d looked at Tripp. He thought it might kill him on the spot.

“Hey, why don’t you go out and pick up my prescription.” His mom shuffled her bare, cracked feet on the wood. “I need it for tonight, but I’m too tired.”

For once, she wasn’t completely plastered. It was the least he could do…

- - -

Time smudged and blended together like wet paint, and Riv was suddenly back home, cooking dinner (a pot of spaghetti with marinara from a jar) for the both of them. The phone rang a few times, but he managed to ignore it until--

“RIVER, WILL YOU PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE!? I’M TRYING TO SLEEP IN HERE, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!”

The kitchen phone was the old-fashioned kind that hung on the wall. Riv answered with a snapped, “Yeah?” because he was furious with himself and had managed to burn the pre-cooked sauce, a task which took real skills in the Art of Idiocy.

A beat of silence, then: “Riv…”

Picking up on his friend’s dreadful tone, Riv said, “Ver, what is it? Is it Lore?”

Deep breath. “No…no, Riv, it’s…” A sob cut through the line.

Riv dropped the wooden spoon he’d been holding. Tomatoey goo puddled at his feet. Awful dread sunk its claws into him. Please, God, no… It was a struggle to keep his voice from cracking like clay in the sun. “What is it? Verity, tell me what’s going on.”

“Oh, God, Riv,” she wept, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s Tripp. He--he--” Verity gulped for breath. “H-he’s gone. He’s gone.”

Gone? What did that mean? The word had so many possible meanings. “What do you mean he’s ‘gone,’ Ver? Like, he ran away or something?”

“River,” she said, and the sympathy, the apologetic misery tainting her words, made it pretty clear what she’d meant. “He killed himself. He’s dead.”

He’s dead.

He’s dead.

…dead.

No, that… “Come on,” Riv said, maniacal laughter creeping up his throat as he gripped the phone with white-knuckled fingers. “Of course he’s not dead. That’s not funny. I know you have a sick sense of humor, but that? It’s below you.”

“Riv…” Her silence spoke volumes. It said, Denial won’t make it untrue.

But Tripp wasn’t dead. Things like that didn’t happen. Killed himself? Ha! As if Tripp would do that. He was happy. Sure of himself. “Like I’d believe Tripp would do that to himself! Like I’d be that stupid.” He thought he might have been shouting, because his throat hurt, but he couldn’t be sure because there was a TV inside his head and the white noise his mom always insisted was soothing kept messing with his thoughts.

The steady drone morphed into the low grumble of thunder. In the background, ocean waves sang a mournful tune. Riv opened his eyes to a world of gray.

“Smells like rain,” Tripp said.

Riv couldn’t quite piece together his thoughts enough to determine why he was so happy to hear that voice--but damn was he ecstatic. “Tripp,” he laughed, and grabbed his friend by the arms. “Tripp. Ha!” He crushed their bodies together, then stepped back to study the other boy’s face, drinking in the faint freckles, the friendly dimples, the snarky tilt of the mouth that was always smiling.

“And I ask again,” Tripp said, patting the top of Riv’s head, “exactly how much seawater did’ja swallow--and is it possible you may’ve inhaled a jellyfish?”

The sky broke open; the downpour was like nothing Riv had ever seen. If they weren’t careful, the storm would swallow them whole.

“I don’t know anything anymore!” Riv had to shout to be heard over the shriek of wind and pounding of rain. Lightning forked across the black horizon. “Except that I--”

Tripp held up a finger. Through the deluge, Riv saw him mop sopping hair from his closed eyes. “Hahh…”

Riv could hear nothing except the rain, the thundering of his heart, and the jagged rush of Tripp’s breath, as though it were somehow being magnified, as though…

Tripp ducked his head into the fold of his arm. “HahIHSHHYUU!”

What Riv saw looked more like a reflection of his friend than the actual person, a rippling image in a crystalline lake. To prove Tripp was really there, Riv reached out, skimmed his fingers along the side of the face that was like home. Heat bit at his fingertips.

Real. Definitely real.

Tripp’s mouth formed words. “Don’t stop.”

At least, Riv thought so. He felt weightless, like part of the mist. At any other time, in any other place, and with anyone else, sneezing would have ruined the moment--but Tripp was incapable of ruining anything. He was life itself, so bright and beautiful.

You’re really losing it. You need to shut up and stop thinking and--

“Huh’tchshhhh--” Rivulets of water burst in a colorless firework as he raised his hand to squelch another sneeze. “ihgSSHH!”

“There’s not enough…” Riv didn’t know what he meant, but he thought, …time. There’s not enough time. It should be right but it…seems wrong.

Tripp’s gone…

…gone as in…

Dead.

SHUT UP! Riv shook his head. It meant nothing. Nothing. Tripp was here, with him, alive, so beautifully, magnificently, vibrantly alive.

“Ihtchshxsshhh! Man, stop sneezing! Rivs, you look…different.”

“I, uh--” He blinked away his fascination with the crooked tilt to Tripp’s lips. “I’ve been thinking of growing a mustache. What do you think?”

“I think you’d look like my Grandpa Wilbur.”

Riv snorted. “You don’t have a Grandpa Wilbur.”

A sly smile. “How d’you know? I’m a pretty mysterious guy.”

“Right.” The rain slowed to a sprinkle. If they’d been drenched from their swim in the ocean, they were now saturated from head to toe. His eyes stung with the tang of salt. “If you say so.”

The wind drew gentle fingers through Tripp’s hair, which stuck up like a poor imitation of a porcupine. “I say I’m hungry and in the mood for anything without eyes.”

Eyes.

His collection…of eyes.

“Y’all right? Rivs?”

Was he? Blood snaked down his palms. Bees buzzed in his ears. Fire slashed through his arms, his wrists.

Riv, hold on! Please, Riv, don’t leave me. Oh, God. Oh, God. HOLD ON!

But he couldn’t; he was fading, fading, fading.

Gone.

- - -

[Emily]

Meep ohmygawd what the heck did I just read

every time I think I get it I realize I actually don't get anything but I feel like we're going back to the beginning again! eyess e ___ e

speaking of mustachioed and its uses, I mustachioed my backpack today and it looks properly beautified.

[VividBubbles!]

I'm pretty sure I whimpered like a kicked dog when I read that Tripp killed himself. I mean, I suspected it but... I just, just having it out there in the open, you know? Tripp. My poor baby. I think I want to hurt River. Well, maybe not River. How about River's mom? Yeah, I'll hurt her. Then I'll bring Tripp back to life. Yes.

THIS IS SO SAD I NEED A HUG!

bye.

[obsessed]

Your writing is certainly captivating!

[Ciuty80]

you know what?! your story reminds me of the movie "The Time Traveler’s Wife", although riv doesn´t travel through time (i think)

when riv left for another "reality" does he disappear? or does he just fell unconscious for some time?

i can´t believe that tripp would kill himself...

he sounds to me like someone who loves to be alive, full of energy and who is the only REAL friend for riv...

i wonder which realitiy is the REAL one

please more!

[Scion]

Emily: Hehehe. My goal is to confuse you as much as possible. And I have a hunch you are about to be even more confused. AND THEN I WILL LAUGH muahahaha. Your poor backpack, suffering at the hands of a deranged, mustache-wielding crazywoman!

VividBubbles!: Aww, don't worry. I want to hurt Riv's mom, too. And I CAN muahaha. I will give you all the hugs you need!

Obsessed: Hehe, why thank you.

Ciuty80: Hmm, I think I can answer that...he doesn't disappear OR fall unconscious, though I don't think that clears anything up for you! LOL. Sorry! And what you said about Tripp is very true. I'm glad you picked up on that!

Part Eight:

He’d been here for only the dirt knew how long, digging, digging, digging. Fat red blisters spotted his skin, his hands, his feet, his brain. The ground was supposed to be loose from…from what had happened, but…to Riv it felt like trying to break through solid rock.

How long had it been, really? He couldn’t remember what day it was, or even what week. Time meant nothing to him. There was only the earth, the moon, and that damned willow tree that made his job hell. The only sounds were of churning dirt and long, sobbing breaths.

Then he heard the buzzing.

Bzzt. Bzzt-bzzt. Bzzzt.

It was impossible and yet, he became consumed by the awful noise. Shaking, gasping, swallowing down the sickness, Riv went to work with the hammer.

Wood cracked. Splintered. Broke.

Tripp was not dead.

More wood torn to shreds. Enough for him to see…

No. It’s your mind playing tricks. The coffin’s empty. He’s not here. He’s alive. I know he is. If he were dead, I’d feel it. I’d…

Stop breathing.

The buzzing of flies grew so loud, Riv thought his eardrums would rupture. All that was left was that sound and that face, still and waxen. Lifeless.

No.

Not happening. Not. Not. Not. Happening. It’s not. Not. Can’t. Breathe. Can’t…

It was all a lie. A big, convoluted and extraordinarily cruel joke. When Verity and Lore saw how much he wasn’t laughing, they’d get on their knees and beg for his forgiveness--which he would nevereverever give them. He was going to kill them. Literally going to end their lives. And then he was going to find Tripp and he was going to…

Bzzzz. Bzzz. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bzzzz.

Something in his mind snapped, and he came apart right there, crouched on top of a bashed-to-pieces coffin, on top of the body that was not his Tripp, because Tripp was life itself and life itself couldn’t die because without life death wouldn’t exist so Tripp wasn’t dead, couldn’t be dead, could NOT BE DEAD.

Pieces of him scattered like leaves in the wind. Emptied. Spilled into the earth. The blood of his sanity quenched the Weeping Willow.

Left not a shred of him…

There were no thoughts, no decisions, only actions. Only the never-ending walk to the place that would be his last. Only the running of cloudy water - the spill of it over porcelain and tile. Only the cool, sharp metal, the bite of the blade across his skin. The flow of scarlet that spread like a disease. The increasing darkness. The cold.

And Verity’s voice.

“Riv, hold on! Please, Riv, don’t leave me. Oh, God. Oh, God. HOLD ON!”

- - -

“Hey, why don’t you go out and pick up my prescription.” His mom shuffled her bare, cracked feet on the wood. “I need it for tonight, but I’m too tired.”

For once, she wasn’t completely plastered. It was the least he could do…

Riv frowned. Something felt off. A sense of deja-vu overcame him. He’d heard this before…hadn’t he? Or was he simply recalling another of his mom’s sober moments? They happened so infrequently they tended to stick with him.

But still…

Tripp.

Scowling now, Riv climbed onto his piece-of-crap on wheels bicycle and took off. CVS wasn’t far, only a fifteen minute ride--he could make it there and back in time to concoct some semblance of dinner. There was still that jar of pasta sauce they had yet to eat, and maybe he could whip up some spaghetti…

Tomato sauce pooling at his feet. Staining the floor red.

He killed himself. He’s dead.

Riv stopped pedaling and came to an abrupt halt at the end of the street. He was going to pass out or puke or most likely both. His hands felt numb, his head light enough to float away or disappear altogether.

“Oh fuck,” he gasped, sweat running in rivers down his face. “Oh FUCK! TRIPP!” And then he was flying, using that damn bike for all it was worth. He had to get to Tripp and he had to get to him RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

- - -

“It’s time,” Quest said.

Riv sighed. He was getting tired of this and he needed--had to find...someone. It was important, life or death… “Time for what?”

“Time for you to see my spider.”

- - -

The soft silk of bed sheets made Riv want to go to sleep and never wake up--but that wasn’t an option, because he was tangled together with Journey and she was kissing his neck and gliding her fingers through his hair. Her teeth grazed the skin above his collarbone and he flinched. Against his own, her legs felt…scratchy, the tips of her fingers like pointed blades.

The empty, white room seemed familiar, but he couldn’t quite remember why. The windowless, prison-like space made him claustrophobic.

“You smell so good, Riv,” she purred--and bit into his neck.

“WHAT THE HELL!?” Riv shoved her off him, scrambling to a sitting position to glare at her. The words dried up on his tongue when he saw her.

Her pupils shone a blood red, her lips black as night and puckered by silvery fangs tipped in crimson. “It’s time,” she said. The transformation happened slowly, sickeningly, so that Riv had to witness every horrible moment as Journey morphed from human to spider. Eyes wriggled up out of her skin, followed by rough, black blades of hair. Her arms and legs rippled grotesquely as they made the change to the gangly legs of an arachnid.

When it was all over and Riv was on the verge of passing out, Journey the Spider launched herself at him; sticky web encapsulated him, blinded him.

It was as the panic overwhelmed him that he remembered.

Tripp.

And because there was nowhere else he wanted--needed--could be, that’s where he went. For a while, he floated in empty space, feeling nothing, knowing nothing. Then he was there, on the bike, heading for Tripp.

Don’t die. Don’t die. I…think I…have to tell you something.

- - -

The red mark on his foot had begun to burn. He had no idea where it had come from, but it didn’t look good. Nothing looked good tonight, though. Not after Rivs had spat in his face and called him a freak. He hadn’t broken down, hadn’t shed a tear, but that didn’t mean he didn’t hurt.

Locked in his room, Tripp curled up on his bed and twisted his arms around the pain in his stomach. “Heh--heh--hehIFSHuh!” Sneezing hurt. Everything hurt. “Ihh…” Why couldn’t his nose just leave him alone? Was he not suffering enough? “Ihyisshhnnk!”

He groaned as pain spiked between his eyes.

The smell of the spicy fajitas his mom was cooking up downstairs made him sick. Why had she chosen this night of all nights to experiment in the kitchen?

DON’T EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN, YOU FREAK!

Tripp felt like he’d been hit in the chest by a mountain of bricks. He--couldn’t--get--air--he--was--crying…sobbing into his arms, choking on snot and tears and--

It hurts. It hurts so bad.

And then it got worse.

His stomach muscles contracted as a flood of pain rolled through his chest and down his middle. Wave after wave of brutal, gnawing, piercing agony assailed him.

Part of him wanted to call for his mom to pleasepleaseplease help him. But River. River hated him. Never wanted to see him again. Thought he was a freak.

The spot on his foot throbbed, drawing his attention momentarily. The red mark meant something - he knew it, recognized it - Oh. Oh, that’s not good.

Tripp made himself stand, forced his jelly legs to carry him to the terrarium on his desk. Collapsing into the chair, he peered through the tinted glass, looking for her. When he didn’t find her, he examined the cover screen.

The hole wasn’t very big. But it was big enough.

If he’d accidentally stepped on her…a wash of vertigo swept over him as he tried to stand, and he fell back into the chair. “Mom,” he tried to scream, but his throat was too dry, too sore, and he scarcely managed a feeble croak. The cup of pens on his desk swayed back and forth. He reached for one.

If he died, he didn’t want to go without telling River how he felt. It didn’t matter that River didn’t feel the same way or that his hand was shaking so much he could barely write two words let alone a whole sentence.

Rivs. Sorry. Love you.

- T

The pen slipped from his grip. There was a rope of light dangling in front of him and that rope was life. He reached for it, grabbed hold. If he never let go, he would make it. His fingers slipped. If he could just see Rivs one more time…but then he didn’t think he could take seeing that look again, like he was crap, like he meant nothing.

Tripp let go of the rope.

- - -

[Emily]

OMG YOU'RE JOKING I THINK I ACTUALLY GET IT NOW

IS RIVER DOING THIS OVER AND OVER TO SAVE TRIPP

DUDE TELL ME I'M CLOSE

I FEEL SO DAMN CLOSE

[VividBubbles!]

NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! I'm crying right now. I'm literally crying. Tripp. But... but... no. This. Is. Not. Happening. Why?! Tripp. And River. He didn't kill himself, did he? He was bitten by a spider? He can't die! Tripp can't! Please!!!

Please. Tripp.

[Ciuty80]

i just wanted to know, just some interest

like VividBubbles! i think he was bitten by his own spider (it´s journey,right?!), but at this point i can´t really tell if he wanted to commit suicide...

maybe it was just a damn accident

and i hope like Emily that riv is trying to save tripp by jumping through the realities...*deep sigh*

please more!

[Scion]

'Kay, here we go! I hope this makes sense.

Part Nine:

Riv didn’t bother knocking. He knew Tripp’s mom never remembered to lock the door, and for once that made him thankful as fuck instead of ticked off. Bursting into the entrance-way, Riv started to shout for Tripp only to realize he couldn’t speak.

The terror had taken root so deep inside him all he could do was move, so move he did. Past Tripp’s mom, who said something to him he utterly ignored. Up the stairs. Down the hall. Tripp’s door loomed ahead, seeming so far away. Each step felt like a mile.

Don’t let me be too late. I’ll do anything. I’ll do any fucking thing in the world. Just PLEASE GOD DON’T LET HIM BE DEAD!

Riv nearly ripped the door off its hinges as he exploded into the room. So. So. Slow. Moving through molasses. Not moving at all.

Then Tripp filled his vision, filled him in places he didn’t know existed, because Tripp was a part of him, an essential part he could not live without.

Riv lunged forward, grabbing the hand Tripp had held up in the air. Here, with Tripp, he could breathe, could find the words he thought he’d lost. “Tripp! Tripp, I’m here! Please don’t die. Oh, God, Tripp, don’t leave me, please!”

- - -

Through the fog, Tripp heard a voice, calling his name. He…knew that voice…

“Tripp, don’t leave me, please!”

Rivs?

Tripp struggled to lever open his eyes. He had to see if his mind was playing tricks on him or if Rivs had really come, because if he had, it meant he…cared.

Please be here, he thought. If he was going to die at the hands of Journey, his own damned spider, he at least deserved that much.

- - -

“TRIPP! PLEASE, OPEN YOUR EYES! HELP ME! CALL AN AMBULENCE! MRS. QUICK! HELP! HURRY! OH GOD OH GOD FUCKING CALL SOMEONE!”

River was so busy screaming he was late in noticing that Tripp’s eyes had started to open. A sobbing laugh burst from his throat. He clutched Tripp’s limp form to him, rocking him back and forth. Alive. Alive. Breathing. Not dead. NOT. DEAD.

As tears streamed down his face, Riv whispered, “I’m so sorry, Tripp. I didn’t mean it. Any of it. You know that. Tell me you know that!” God, Tripp felt like ice.

In the doorway, Tripp’s mom was shrieking into a phone and looking ready to collapse. Riv spared her a brief glance, then put all his concentration into keeping Tripp alive. Moving carefully and with gentle care, he arranged Tripp so that he was resting with his head in Riv’s lap and hugging Riv’s legs like they were his own personal teddy bear.

Riv petted his spiky hair, bursting with so many words yet unable to capture a single one. “Shh,” he soothed, wiping sweat from Tripp’s brow. He managed: “Shh, hang on. You’re going to be okay. I’m here. I promise I’ll never leave you again. I…I…”

But he couldn’t say it.

Then Tripp’s exhausted twilight eyes met his, so full of pain and fragile hope--and Riv’s doubts simply flowed away. He did. He loved his best friend.

“I think I l--”

“HuhIXHTshhh!” Tripp squirmed to free his feet from the covers. “Y--you’re cryin’,” he panted weakly, “…means I’m…more of a man than you!”

Riv flicked Tripp’s red nose, then swirled his thumb at the corners of his swollen eyes. “As if you weren’t sobbing your heart out a few minutes ago.” He winced. Because of me.

Tripp squeezed his hand. “You’re here now, aren’t’cha?” A pout. “And I was all ready with my…dramatic death…note. S-spoiler.”

Sirens wailed in the distance, and Riv felt some of the tension flee his muscles. “There won’t be any dying today,” he said. “Not if I can help it.”

- - -

“Quest? Are you there?”

From the shadows, he spoke. “In a sense.”

The ground beneath Riv’s feet rippled and flowed like water, but he could walk on it without sinking, like a layer of ice rested atop it. Nothing but the night sky, dappled with winking stars, looked down on him. Everything else was empty space.

“Can you…can you tell me what this is? Why was I able to…I just don’t understand. You seem to know everything. So tell me.”

“Me?” A bitter laugh. “I don’t know anything. I’m not even alive.”

For some reason that disturbed Riv, and he wanted to deny it--but he didn’t know anything about anything; it was probably true. “Then…what are you?”

Quest stepped out into the fall of starlight, his face chiseled in shadow. “I’m merely a manifestation of Tripp’s pain. Nothing more, nothing less. Not real or unreal.” And yet the tears glowing on his cheeks spoke of life.

Riv shook his head. His wrists throbbed. “And--and Tripp…if I want to stay with him…” He wasn’t entirely sure what he was asking.

Quest lifted a shoulder. “That isn’t your reality. If you want to stay there, your other self has to die. You can’t be aware of both realities at the same time.”

The idea didn’t repel him as much as it probably should have. But he couldn’t live in a world without Tripp. That’s all he needed to know. He nodded. Still, he couldn’t leave here without--without--he didn’t know…but Quest was…a part of Tripp.

Quest was…starting to fade. He looked down at himself with a pained expression. “Looks like you don’t need me anymore.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Riv stated. Of this he was certain.

“I was never really here to begin with.” Slowly, he came toward Riv, stopping inches from him to reach out uncertainly.

Riv took Quest’s hand and brought it to his face. So cold, he thought. Quest had always been the one to help him; this time it was Riv’s turn. He couldn’t let this happen. Even more color drained from Quest, so that he appeared more an outline than a corporeal being. If what he’d said were true, that he was simply a physical manifestation of Tripp’s pain, then that was the saddest, cruelest thing Riv had ever heard.

“You,” Riv said firmly, “are part of my reality. You said it was all up to me, right? Well, this is my decision.”

“But…” Tears flowed freely down silver-gray cheeks. “I’m not...anything. Not Anyone.” He closed his eyes, bit his lip. “I’m scared, Riv. But I’m tired, too. It’s all…too much. Everything I thought I knew…” A frustrated sigh. “I just want it to end. Just let it end.”

Riv gripped Quest’s shoulders; it was like trying to hold on to a cloud. “No,” he said. “I won’t.” Then he shut his eyes and he imagined Quest as a person, a real living breathing person with hopes and dreams and flaws and beliefs. He saw it all unfold, and then willed it to happen, willed it with everything he had left.

“YOU ARE A REAL PERSON!” he chanted. “YOU ARE, YOU ARE, YOU ARE!”

And so real he became.

- - -

The water in the tub undulated softly. Riv didn’t have to open his eyes to know the crimson had taken over. He could feel it, even through the numbness.

Instinct had him fighting to stay conscious--but that wasn’t right.

If you want to stay there, your other self has to die.

All he had to do was let go, and he could be with Tripp again. If he believed, he could make it happen. He’d fucked everything up good, but he’d been given a second chance. He didn’t know how or why, but when he’d made the decision to end his life, it had opened him up to another reality, one in which he got to Tripp in time.

One in which they could be together.

He’d die a million deaths just to see that snarky smile one more time.

Distantly, he heard Verity screaming, “Riv, hold on! Please, Riv, don’t leave me. Oh, God. Oh, God. HOLD ON!”

But he wouldn’t.

Fading, fading, fading.

Gone.

- - -

“You snore like my Grandpa Wilbur,” Tripp said.

Riv smiled and opened his eyes to find himself sitting in a chair by Tripp’s hospital bed, his head resting on the thin mattress. “Hi,” he said stupidly.

Tripp, pale and tired-looking but so obviously alive, grinned. “Hi.”

“I, uh, think I, uh, might…” Riv’s tongue needed to go on a diet ASAP.

“Grow a mustache?” Tripp suggested.

Riv snorted a laugh. “Yeah. A mustache.” What was wrong with him? After all they’d been through, after all he’d put Tripp through, he couldn’t even say three simple words? It was beyond pathetic. “I--I--I--” His face flamed.

“You--you--you?” Tripp, though, appeared to be enjoying his suffering. “I know! D’you needa write it down? I mean if you’re not man enough to say it.”

And there was that snarky smile Riv had crossed realities to see. This, he knew, was the only decision he could have made. Verity and Lore would mourn him. His mother would…he didn’t want to think about how she’d get on without him. But if it came down to a choice between Tripp or his mom, Riv knew who he’d pick.

He’d chosen wrong the first time. That would never happen again.

“You got a pen?”

- - -

Somewhere not far away, a naked man huddled beneath a Weeping Willow.

He had no name. No memories. No identity.

But he did have a headache.

Shivering with cold, he glanced around. There were dancing lights in the sky. “HahNXGTchh!”

“Hello? Is someone there?” a voice quavered.

No Name unfolded from the grassy earth, using the rough slope of a trunk for support. “Ihh…hihh..”

A girl appeared before him, aiming a flashlight into his eyes. He winced and turned his face away. “OhmygoshI’mSORRY!” she babbled, then: “Are you…naked!?”

Covering his face with both hands, he muffled another sneeze. “HmNXSHHff!”

What…what’s going on…? he thought, his gut telling him the answer would only cause him pain. Pain. Something about…

“You’re not, like, a serial killer or rapist or anything, are you?” the girl asked. She had on a pair of heavy black boots, jeans five sizes to big, and a shirt with a picture of a smiling, blue-eyed white blob on it. Below the blob were the words Can I Keep You?

“I…don’t think so,” he said. “I’m…not sure.”

“Hm. Well, you’d probably know if you were.”

“I…would?”

She nodded eagerly. “So, if you’re not either of those things, you wouldn’t happen to be…a, um, spirit? Like, a dead guy?”

No Name blinked. Who was this person? For some reason that thought struck him as funny. “I don’t think I’m dead. I don’t--hh--feel dead. Isshhnng!”

Another nod. “You’re sick. You can’t be dead. I’m an idiot. And you’re naked. I may have mention that already. Anyway, you should probably put something on before you get arrested. I gotta go. I probably won’t see you again, so, um…bye.”

As she started to turn, he said, “How do I…find out who I am?”

Inexplicably, her face lit up with joy. “I think I can help you with that.”

- - -

THE END.

[VividBubbles!]

Um, sequel, please? Because, I need it! Oh my gosh, I love this so much and Quest is real and now I. Finally. UNDERSTAND!

Ah, bittersweet endings! I have such a love/hate relationship with those. BUT NOT WITH YOURS BECAUSE IT IS AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH TRIPP IS ALIVE!!! Ish. He's alivish.

But omg, Tripp and Riv are together and I love that so much and Quest is alive and real and I love this! Scion, I honestly think that this is my favorite story of yours. It needs a sequel.

bye.

[Emily]

GUUUH

SDOAFDUAOSIDFUSAOFIApiapioisudofupoID0WQ9RISM JLKJ /continues mindless babbling TRIPP IS ALIVEEEEEEEE

...D8 I'm rereading this whole thing again.

[Ciuty80]

oh myyyyy gawwwwwwwd!!!!

tripp and riv are together now!!!! this is so wonderful

and quest is a real person and sneezing

i think i got it now but don´t expect an explanation from me for something like this my english is too bad

thank you for this gorgeous story!!!

[EmeraldThread]

WAAAH!! I'm so sorry I didn't comment on any of the last half, I only just got time to read it all! You! And your ability to make a story so wonderfully confusing and suspenseful, and at the same time sensibly senseless. Or senselessly sensible? This is definitely one of those stories that makes more sense as you read it, and then you realize you have to go back and reread it in order to get the full sense of everything that happened and connect it as you go. It just strikes me as so amazing, so creative. Some of my theories were half right, but I'm not sure exactly which ones because most of them were only half-formed in my head anyway. xD I'm happy Tripp is alive~~~!!! But the whole thing was just excellent, and I kept reading so deeply into everything - the names, events, who (or what) the people were, why they were...I just feel like there's SO MUCH here! This is why I love you and your writing.

[SweaterWeather]

Oh god I loved this. All of it. It's so perfectly twisty and confusing yet I FINALLY understand and it's even more gorgeous now. And Riv totally made the right choice. Like, totally. This was wonderful Scion!