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Codename: Cruel & Unusual... (Tony/Natasha) Avengers Fanfic


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Okay, I am feeling a bit braver about posting stuff now, so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first part of my second piece (although I still working on my first... 'Keep that to yourself' (nothing like product placement) )

I had some fun writing this, so please forgive my indulgence. And if you get a minute, do let know what you think....


Steve nodded his understanding to Natasha as both she and Tony piled out of the carrier. Their relations were strained at the best of times, now Fury had decided, perhaps in a fit of sadistic amusement, that the only Avengers suitable for this little stealth commission were Black Widow and Tony Stark. He must be losing his mind, Steve mused. He secured the doors then pulled slowly away, leaving the pair to their own devices.

Tony and Natasha watched in silence as their ride moved out into the distance, then turned to survey precisely where they had been dropped. Tony let out a slow whistle as he took in the rugged mountains surrounding them, no civilisation as far as the eye could see. “What the Hell?” Natasha growled as the situation hit home. “Is this some kind of sick joke? Where is this? England?”

“Close, Scotland I think, trying to get handle on co-ordinates.” He flipped down the visor on the suit, scanning the horizon with little effect. “Stark. There is absolutely nothing here, I don’t get it, why would Fury…”

“Because you are a world class spy, and I am, well, just world class. Obviously something is going down here, either that or Fury has lost what few brain cells he was still working with. C’mon let’s take a look around.” He stalked off down the steep bank of the hillside. Cursing, Natasha had no choice but to follow, shivering as a bleak wind buffeted through the valley. “We could do with finding some sort of shelter before that lets rip. Did somebody invite Thor and forget to mention it?” He nodded in the direction of the blackening sky, as above them dark clouds gathered ominously, black against grey. Natasha shuddered involuntarily at the prospect of spending the night open to the elements.

They made their way down the hillside for an hour or so before Tony stopped, holding up his hand for Natasha to do the same. “How about that?” He growled, panning in on the shape of a building of some description nestled on the outskirts of a forest in the very bottom of the valley. Instinctively Natasha put her hand to her gun-holster, every muscle tensing as she flipped into fight or flight mode. “Easy tiger… I think I have just figured out where we are gonna sleep tonight.” Tony soothed, noticing as she froze in readiness for battle. Flipping back his visor and downing power, he took the duffle bag from Natasha, setting off down the hillside. Having a semblance of a plan, they quickened their pace. With the coming nightfall the temperature was plummeting, it made sense to move as quickly as possible towards whatever shelter was available to them.

The light was starting to fade significantly as they reached the edge of the trees, there was no sign of the hut just shadows and darkness in the distance, as the rain began to pour. “You okay?” Tony turned to Natasha, noticing the catch in her breath. “How far?” she gasped, pushing her soaked hair out of her eyes.

“It’s difficult to say. It was certainly on the edge of this forest. At least we can wait out the worst of it in the trees.” He spoke too soon. The ferocity of the rain made it impossible for the tree canopy to shelter them, rather just take the edge off the intensity of the downpour. Throwing down the duffel bag, Tony rummaged through to find something for Natasha to wear. Her patience was threadbare. “For God’s sake, Stark. If you took off the damn robot costume you might be more productive.” She shoved him out of the way, to search the bag herself. “Oh-kay” Tony growled, watching her through narrowed eyes, clearly annoyed at her tantrum. “The, eh-hmm, robot costume offers fairly decent protection against the elements. Don’t get fresh with me, you insisted on joining the party in underwear and a tool belt, Bear Grylls.”

Natasha dragged out an oversized Gill jacket, turning her back on Tony as she struggled to fasten it whilst shivering hard. She was as annoyed with herself as she was with him, it wasn’t her style to be caught out of her depth. Trying to curb her temper she threw everything back into the bag. “That tec of yours say anything about how far away that shelter is?” She bitched, not allowing herself to back down. He laughed harshly “What am I TomTom, now? Sorry sweetheart, robot suit remember. Move your ass Romanoff, we are losing light.” He stalked into the gloomy forest.

It seemed like an eternity before the hut finally came into view, reviving their enthusiasm and lifting their spirits. Until now neither of them had spoken again, instead had trudged, damp and miserable in what they hoped was the right general direction. They practically sprinted the last few yards, splashing unperturbed through a stream running alongside the crumbling, derelict shelter. Tony indicated for Natasha to get behind him as he slipped through the door, but mightily fed up with his theatrics at this point, she pushed past him to survey the cold damp room. “Huh. No minibar.” Tony joked, lighting up an adjoining room with the palm of his hand. “Well… It’s not the Waldorf.” Natasha murmured, kicking at the ancient remnants of a campfire. “Hey Natasha…” She turned in the direction of the blue glow coming from the second room, shuffling in the mess of branches and debris on the floor. Tony was laid on a makeshift bed, nothing more than strips of pallet nailed together to form a crude platform. He seemed to have made himself comfortable, pushed up on his elbows, one leg bent up, foot flat to the wood. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively “…call your mom, wanna have a sleep-over?”

That – is disgusting.” she groaned turning her back on him, although secretly thrilled at his proposition. There was no love lost between them, it was common knowledge. Yet she, like just about every other woman on the planet, had to admit he was alluring. The man could turn just about any given situation into a sexual innuendo, and half the time she wasn’t even sure if he was joking.

It wasn’t long before they had a fire crackling, illuminating the room enough to make sense of their surroundings a little easier. Tony had dismantled a couple of flashlights, turning them into a makeshift floor lamp, placed in the doorway to the ‘bedroom’ in an attempt to utilise the whole of the space. Natasha marvelled at how easily the germ-phobic billionaire was adapting to the situation, after all, they could be looking at a significant amount of time holed up like cattle in a barn. That thought made her shiver visibly. Please let Fury make contact soon so they can get done what they need to and head back to New York, preferably business class. The storm continued to rage outside as they bedded down for the night. Natasha opted to stay close by the fire, curled up under a layer of clothes retrieved from the duffel bag. Tony, however, took the ‘master bedroom’ as he now affectionately called it. He released himself from the suit, throwing on a second long-sleeved t-shirt, he made himself comfortable, using the duffel bag as a pillow.


Tony woke with a start, disorientated and shivery. He pulled up the double layer of t-shirt to allow the glow from the arc reactor to partially light up the room. The hut looked eerie in the soft blue light and Tony jumped as the shape of the suit loomed over him from where it had been leant against the wall. He chuckled at his stupidity, noticing how difficult he suddenly found it to swallow.

Rubbing his throat he noticed the tell-tale sign of swollen glands just under the surface of his hot skin “Er yeah… Bad call, Tony, not good, really not good.” He muttered to himself, trying to remember if they had thought to pack any water. He rolled over to swing his legs off his ‘bed’, feeling every muscle in his body protest against moving. He sat for what felt like an eternity, but was in truth, no more than just a few minutes, willing himself to go out to the stream, but not wanting to face the raging torrent of the storm outside.

Stumbling, he reached the door, pulling it open with a horrendous scrape. The damp chill hit him the moment he stepped outside, causing him to shiver compulsively. The agonising itch in the back of his nose grew unbearable. ‘Huh..ISSCCHHoo!’ he pitched forward, his hand resting against the door frame, ‘Huhh.. Hu.. ISSCCHHoooo!” He sniffed wetly. “Ah seriously? No. Not now, anything but this.” He glanced over his shoulder, hoping Natasha wasn’t watching him, then plunged out into the rain. He reached the swollen stream in a few strides, crouching down to cup the freezing water between his hands. He gulped the water down greedily, trying unsuccessfully to quell the fire at the back of his throat. After a few minutes he admitted defeat and returned to hut, saturated, frozen and thoroughly miserable.

He didn’t see how it was physically possible, but it felt even colder in the hut than it was outside. Once he’d managed to get the warped wooden door to stay closed, he set about trying to light a fire, without disturbing the sleeping Black Widow. The familiar itch started to grow again in his sinus.

Hh..IISSSCCCHH!’ Gripping his nose in a loose fist, he stifled the sneeze into his hand, but this time it was hopeless. ‘Hu…ISSCCHHOO! Hu… hu.. ISSSCCHHOOO! Urgh Huh… ISSCCH!’

Natasha watched from her nest of clothing at the back of the room. The screeching of the ancient wooden door had disturbed her as he had gone outside, and she had heard everything. She curbed the urge to make a sarcastic comment, knowing it would hurt his ego much more if he knew she knew.

“Hey Stark, are you sick?” She yawned, feigning sleepiness. He swung around as though he had been stung. “Natasha! You are awake!” Somehow, she managed to stop from laughing. “Are you alright, you sound terrible.” He kicked at the floor with his boot. “Yeah, I’m good. Just having a bit of a dust allergy, you know? …God damn, I could use some coffee right now. You get so used to being 100 yards away from a Starbucks in any direction. “ He babbled a little too manically, clearing his throat, he concluded “So yeah… We need a plan of attack, hopefully not literally, but we do need to get a handle on the situation, you know, work out the M.O.”

With Natasha now awake, he managed to start a small, spitting fire, not great but better than nothing. “Well firstly,” she began to rise to a standing position in one fluid motion, “We need to see if we can get radio contact. It doesn’t matter what the game plan is, if we have lost all communications we are on our own out here.” She watched him through narrowed eyes as he tried to discreetly scrub at his nose with his knuckle.

The itch had returned with a vengeance, suddenly he needed to get out of this room, away from Natasha. “Communication. I’m on it.” He threw over his shoulder as he made a hasty retreat to the back room, and the relative privacy of his suit. Moments later he stalked out, suited up and looking for all the world as though he was primed for battle. “If I can get above the treeline, I should be able to trace a signal.” He explained, almost ripping the door from the hinges in his rush to be out of her line of sight.

Once he was sure he was out of earshot, he leaned against a tree, trying to take in the clean, damp air. Perhaps there had been something in the idea about the dust? It would make more sense than him being sick, for the first time in how long? No, having slept amongst who knows how many different types of dust mites, mould spores and germ cells, he was bound to have some adverse reaction. He felt his skin crawl at the thought of it and desperately craved a long hot shower. He took off his helmet to scrub again at his irritated nose, wincing at the sharp metal of his gauntlet.

Huh..ISSCCHHoo… Hu.. Hu… Hu..ISSCCHoo ISSCH! Urgh God!’

His head began to feel thick with congestion, so strong he could almost taste it. He shook his head despairingly; it was going to be a long day. Satisfied that he was no longer going to sneeze, he activated his jets, spinning up above the trees until the forest and lake below seemed almost like a painting. Holding altitude, he instructed JARVIS to conduct a full signal sweep.

Nothing. Faint radio waves, indicative, perhaps of a CRB signal somewhere, possibly even Aurora Borealis, but nothing concrete and nothing they could penetrate. Basically, as the saying goes, they were up the creek, paddle-less. No food, no water, no way to phone home…. It was that thought that suddenly struck a chord. Food? Water? No problemo. Dropping like a stone, then turning to dive gracefully, he sunk into the lake below.

Natasha was making her way out of the hut as Tony reappeared, flicking up the visor of his helmet as he walked towards her. “I think we’ve had a visit from the fuck up fairy” he growled, “there is absolutely nothing, nada. No signal whatsoever.” He thrust something grey, cold, wet and slimy towards Natasha “No need to thank me.” He deadpanned. She jumped back as though it was about to bite her. “What is it?” she asked, an edge of suspicion to her voice. Tony looked at her in genuine surprise, and just a hint of amusement. “Are you kidding me right now? You know, how somebody as obviously uneducated as you ever managed to gain the reputation you seem to have is a mystery to me. It’s a fish, a fresh water salmon if we are being big on detail. In some places it’s considered a delicacy, so quit bitching Romanoff, breakfast is served.”

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OMG more. :drool:


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:eek: THIS..THHIIS...is so fricking HOT! :drool: ohH HELL yes :yes: sick!tony and allergic!tony became a GO for me!! This is so well written! Please more! :wub:
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  • 3 months later...


Going to get back on to this - sorry for delay, Uni has been a killer since December!!


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Yes I will - been thinking up stuff for it today. (The line of work I am training in, the escapism is really welcome at times!!)

Watch this space! x

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