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I screwed up, right?


smooshi

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I screwed up. I did. Only I don't know where to start.

So, I have always been something the one could consider a good child: I never hang around with the other people of my age, I don't smoke or drink alcohol, I spend the biggest part of my weekend studying, I have a straight A at school, my idea of a fun night is watching a movie at home or going to the theatre.

The only "rebellious" thing I do is the fact I sometimes take my iPhone under the sheets when I am supposed to sleep, and then browse the forum or check Facebook.

Yesterday I had no free time at all, so I took the iPhone with me when I lied down. At around half past eleven, my mother busted in and took my iPhone away, obviously furious. In the rapid way it happened, I forgot to lock it and I was on the forum. I got up and asked my mother if she could give me the phone back, since I have to lock it "in order to save the battery". Mother refused, and then said: "It is going to stay with me. And I am going to find out what have you been doing. Now go back to bed as quietly as you can to not wake your sister up."

When I got back to bed I felt dizzy and scared. I squeezed my teddy bear and buried my face in a pillow, desperately trying to fall asleep. But I couldn't. My mother, who is full of prejudice, is going to find out about my fetish. Great.

I tried not to think myself, humming some song to calm myself down. I have fallen asleep some two hours later, shivering.

In the morning I woke up early, but I was pretending to be sleeping for about three hours because I was too scared to face my mother.

I gave up doing it at about ten o'clock, so I got up and went to study History. I finished about an hour later.

I realized I have nothing more to lose, so I exited my room to wish everyone good morning and tell my mother I have finished studying History. My mother was refusing to look me directly in eyes and talked to me with her teeth clenched for the entire morning.

She did loose up after some time, but I could feel the pressure in the air.

I have spent the entire day studying, not wanting to get her angry. But an hour and a half ago, when I was out of my room drinking water, she told me:

"How is it going?"

"Fine", I said,"I think I'll be done before the evening."

"Good. When you finish, we will talk."

I went pale. My mother never wants to talk with me. I am fucked. "Okay, we will," I said before leaving.

This is it. I have decided to tell her everything. About the fetish, about being pansexual, about all the things I have been successfully hiding from her for a very long time.

Keep the fingers crossed for me. Please.

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I had the same problem when my mom took my computer this morning.

I'm sure it'll be okay and she'll accept you - if the worse you've done in your life is like both male and females and enjoy sneezing, you're doing good for your age.

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That's terrifying, especially not knowing exactly how she's reacting to it. I can relate to the having a parent who's prejudiced against certain people or things without really understanding them (as I'm sure many of us here can), and I'd probably feel the same way as you if this happened to me. But your mom might try to understand. I don't know what she's like, but I know if my dad found out about my fetish, he'd probably need a while to cool off, and he might never really get why I like sneezing, least of all why I joined a forum for it. But he's still a good person despite that, so maybe your mom is too?

I hope that talk isn't too bad, and that she'll try to understand what this is like for you, and accept it as best she can. You're not doing anything wrong, after all. Whatever happens, we're here to support you. :hug:

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Oh kiddo, that's just awful!! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!! I hope everything will turn out okay in the end. Come back whenever possible and let us know what's going on. We're here for you!! :hug::heart:

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Don't panic. It may go better than you think. When I found my son had been using sites that suggested he also has some kind of kink, he did get told off in general terms for using his computer when he shouldn't have been, but the last thing I want to discuss with him is is sexual preferencesm and so the specifics were never discussed at all. Maybe your mum will feel the same, and if she doesn't... well I hope that she loves you enough to come to accept you as you are.

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You poor thing, I really feel for you. But often things don't work out as badly as we expect, so hang in there and remember, your mum loves you.

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ugh :( I would have been terrified, too!

Your mom might be shocked at first but she'll most likely accept it. :) It's a part of you that you can't change, right? So don't worry :D

hope everything will turn out okay!

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:heart: Thank you for all the support you gave me. I think I owe you a little update, don't you? ;)

I haven't got to talk to my mother yet. But I did another great step: I've told my Dad. Totally unplanned. But I am kinda proud of myself.

I will retell you our conversation and I am really sorry for the vulgar expressions. My father is a bit like that. Feel free to edit this post.

I was heading back from school in my father's and my sister's company. I know I shouldn't have started that conversation, but sometimes you just have to know in how big trouble you really are. So I asked: "Daddy, what did Mom exactly do when I got back to my room on Saturday night?"

He replied: "Nothing major, really. She did check your phone. She asked me to join her, but I wasn't interested at all. She checked your messages and stuff. That's all I know."

Then I said something completely dumb: "Thank GOD, she only checked my messages!"

My father raised his eyebrow:"Oh, well then. What were you doing on Net, then, if I may ask? Watching porn?"

"I may tell you if you don't tell Mom about it."

"We'll see, but I expect an answer. So, was it porn?"

"No," I said,"Okay, in a way."

"What did you do then?"

I saw I was trapped: "Okay, but I want you to know I'll be telling you something I have been successfully hiding from you two since I was four. So I am not feeling comfortable. At all."

It took me a minute to start.

"Allright Dad. Do you know what 'paraphillia' means?"

"I am afraid I don't ."

"Well... it is the sexual attraction towards the things which aren't supposed to be sexual. I have a kind of that."

When he nodded, I continued: "I know that paedophillia also belongs to that category. But it isn't like that. It is much more... legal."

Dad looked in the distance for the couple of seconds and then asked, half jokingly: "Do chickens make you horny, or something?"

I laughed: "No. Dad. I am not zoophilic. I just.... I just... I have a sneezing fetish."

Okay. I've said that. In front of the Croatian National Theatre, blushing as fuck. But I've said that.

"What?"

"Sneezing."

"Does it mean when you sneeze... you pee yourself?"

"No...just..."

"Your vagina lubrica-"

"No, Dad. I am just sort of sexually attracted by people sneezing. And not from every person! It is more awkward then anything else. But that's what it is."

Pause.

"So, you don't s**** swans?"

"No, Dad," I said while laughing.

"I see. And do you give BJs to horses?"

"No..."

"And donkeys?"

"Jesus, no!"

Another awkward silence.

"So, you won't be able to find a partner if he doesn't have awfully bad allergies."

I laughed again: "You don't understand. I do find the idea of an intercourse sexually attractive. I am not asexual. There is just that little... bonus." I continued: "And the page I was on was nothing more but the forum for my... fellow fetishists."

We continued to talk about it. He also said he heard mother using some psychological terms while skimming through the content of my iPhone. I guess she does know. At least in a way.

And then he added something that didn't really please me.

"Ufff... awful. Let's just hope this is just a phase you're going through."

"It is not, Dad. I've been like this since I was born. It was always there."

The conversation was over. He did have some humorous remarks about it, but that was all. I guess he got at least a bit fine with it.

And me? Well, I am not fine yet, but I am getting there. I just feel so... exposed.

About telling Mom.... well, I am not so sure about confessing it to her anymore. She probably realized it in a way, and I've had enough stress for one week.

So, I'll just quote one famous rock singer and say: "And Ma wouldn't understand so I wouldn't tell". Well, at least if she doesn't ask anything.

I think everything will be fine. It always is. Fuck Murphy and his laws.

I love you, guys. And I don't give up things I love so easily.

:heart:

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You dad sounds great, that conversation made me LOL yay.gif

Even as an impromptu confession it does sound like it went rather well. Hope your mom understands eventually too yes.gif

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Holy wow, I'm so proud of you for having that conversation with your dad! That is really brave and he took it really well. I'm happy for you! I hope everything goes well with your mom (if anything goes at all.) Good luck!!

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I'm so sorry, that must have been so stressful for you.... but I laughed SO HARD about your dad asking you if chickens made you horny and the swans and EVERYTHING :lmao: Just loooool... my stomach is killing me now!

I've never told my dad. My mom knows and she's cool with it. I wish you all the best with your mom, hon :)

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Thank all of you once again. :yes:

And my Dad IS awesome. He is one of those people who enter the pizza parlour asking: "Do you sell pizza by any chance?"

I am a freaky lil' thing because I've learnt it from the best. :D

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Family can surprise you. My younger brothers were the first people I told.

Also, if you're thirteen and a reliable, trustworthy kid, your mom should NOT be going through your messages. Stay strong - she's the one who's wrong.

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Oh, Lord...that is absolutely awful! I swear, when I have children I will never go through their things. Your mother sounds a lot like how mine was when I was a kid...it was always so ridiculous how unbelievably paranoid she was. I mean, I was a good kid...I never smoked, drank, or even really left the house...I was always on the high honor role, in NHS, on the board of Student Council, and captain of Speech team...and yet she always seemed to think I was up to no good! Jeesh...parents... :(

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Omfg. Fingers crossed for you! My Parents would never accept me! XD You handled it so maturely! omgomgomg so many feels. I would have felt just as screwed. or maybe even more. And your dad took it really well. good luck!

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