Feeling so burned out

[Cauldwell]

Hi guys,

I don't really expect to get any replies to this post, and I'm not really posting it because I need any.

What I need to do is just vent; and it's not really Dear Jerk material.

I've been on holidays for nearly 2 weeks and in some respects I feel worse than when I started. Not as bone-crushingly exhausted, but infinitely more unsettled in mind and spirit.

I've been on a pretty full on management training course with my company for the last 8 months, I've been working 40 hours a week and then having to find time to write up assignments that were supposed to be done on work time, because middle management has no concept of what this program actually is.

I'm fed up and upset and don't want to go back to my current site - they just stir the pot waaay to much, and couldn't even give me a proper answer when I asked to have easter off for my sister's birthday. I miss my old role, and co-workers and most of all I miss talking about the subject I love, which was the whole reason I took the job with [Company] in the first place.

It's not that I'm unhappy with the experiences and things I've learned, it's just that I know in my heart I'm over it and done and want to move forward. But to achieve that I'm having to spend yet more of my personal holiday time finalising everything, and I seriously CBF! It doesn't help that nobody can give me an answer as to what my future role in the company will be, even though the program Must. End. in 2 months.

I'm seriously missing the original job I studied at uni for - and wondering if it's something I'll ever have the chance to get back to, worrying that I've buggered up my chances of doing so, even though I deliberately picked an alternate career with close links. Knowing what is happening with my career at company would probably help me put this issue to rest.

So that's work. But because I'm into self-punishment I'm also halfway through a healthy-lifestyle program of diet and excercise - sounds simple but it's been bringing up a lot of issues.

Memories of a childhood full of verbal abuse from my father, the absences, and realising exactly how badly it's affected my self-love and self-worth. I'm proud to say that I'm definitely changing for the better, but it's far more exhausting than I could have imagined.

Just to make it more interesting....I'm a sperm-donor child, and as I'm losing weight I'm starting to see flashes of someone else coming though - today I looked at myself and knew I was having a "looks like dad" day.

It hurts because it's a rather literal slap in the face that there's a huge chunk of myself I know nothing about, that I'm likely to never know anything about.

I can't even indulge in something sweet and delicious to cheer me up, because I'll feel like I've failed myself and I'd be worse off.

*sigh* Why do I insist on making so many life changes all in one hit?!

[Joal 555]

I'm not sure that I have anything to offer (and I know you weren't asking) but I hope it helped you at least a tiny bit to type out your thoughts and get things off your chest.

Hang in there, you never know what your situation will be like in 2 months or 2 years and I really hope things take a turn for the better for you in the very near future.

[Renee]

I can feel your pain. I had an abusive childhood & a rough life. Things are kinda starting to look up & I hope they do for you also. just hang in there & things will get better

[Cauldwell]

Thanks for you lovely replies

[Vetinari]

It sounds like you're having a rough time, and I know from personal experience how hard it can be just to continue when everything is so difficult. The temptation to do something NOW, so you can at least know which direction your future will take must be enormous. When I was young, I would often hand in my notice at the end of a holiday because I was so tired when I was working, the holiday was the only time I had enough energy to step back and think. But as things are already in a state of flux, I think that trying to sit out those two months and then see whether you like what comes is probably the bast path. After all, if you don't like what comes, you can start looking around then. Hope things work out for you, and that whatever job you go back to, you find you enjoy it. Hang in there.