I'm So Embarrassed >.<

[CuteSneezeGirl]

Don't get me wrong. I love sneezes. They turn me on. ^^" Seriously, I'm very devoted to them.

But...

I'm embarrassed to get sick. >.<

I know. It's weird. But I get really self conscious... I don't know what others think, so I automatically expect the worst.

Yeah. So optimistic.

I don't want to seem vulnerable. So I try to conceal my emotions. I'm always smiling, even when I'm crying inside. It's kind of the same with when I get sick. I try to hide it from others. When my temperature is 105, I'm literally worried about if my voice sounds weird. I'm constantly finding excuses for my symptoms. When in reality, I should be worried about not dying.

Yeah. Denial. Lots and lots of denial.

I don't even admit it to those I trust most. Meaning my family. Unless I can't even stand, I pretend I'm perfectly healthy. And most of the time, it works.

But when it doesn't... I kind of die. Seriously. Last time I stayed home was three years ago. During summer camp. I quit summer camp after that. And not because I didn't like it. Because I was afraid of what people would think of me because I stayed home for a day.

I know it's stupid. I'm just really nervous. Like, what if they're a germaphobe...? And I completely gross them out?! And they're afraid of coming close to me... And... *Goes on forever*

...Did I mention it was stupid? -.- Other people aren't like that. I think. But I still feel that way. And it's not exactly easy to deny an illness. Especially when you're feverish, your voice sounds weird, and you're sneezing every 10 minutes. People would be suspicious. But they don't say anything... and that freaks me out... >.<

Oh well. I don't understand it either. I mean, if no one's there to know, I'm fine with getting sick. It's a perfect time for inducing. C: But I'm just so embarrassed otherwise... it kills me inside. I know. I'm so weird... ;.; Anyone else feel this way?

[Little_sniffle]

TOTALLY get you! I cant BARE admitting that I'm sick! Speaking the words "I have a cold" are next to impossible....You're not alone! Worst part has to be my crappy immune system....I'm in denial a lot

[Graham Cracked]

So, it's the vulnerability of it that gets you embarrassed? Seems legit.

No really, I used to think the exact same thing, especially during my teen years. It was a little bit of embarrassment, but more of...a hatred personally. I never wanted to appear weak in front of someone, so I'd just constantly deny anything, even if I could barely get out of bed sometimes.

But with living with someone who wants to become a doctor and who has already studied plenty up on it, that denial has been thrown out the window. Now, it's like having 24/7 monitoring on my vitals (he actually did that when I got the flu for the first time in my life x.x Though I did sort of need it in that case).

Eventually, you'd probably have to live to accept it, but I can understand the embarrassment from it. But too true, if it's a sort of life or death illness of a severely spiking fever, I would advise putting pride aside and thinking about you getting better, whatever the cost.

[Sawyer]

Aww, I used to be really self conscious too! I hate the idea of someone being germophobic or thinking I was weak/delicate or even if it was extra apparent that I was "human" (weird, I know, since it's obvious that I am).

It helped a lot when I was able to realize that most people don't even notice if your voice sounds a little different and they mostly don't even bother to comment on stuff like coughing or sniffling, because it's either unnoticed or unimportant to them. If they do mention it, it's often because they care about you or are concerned, but after you admit to it they'll stop commenting and most likely even forget and you won't be so uncomfortable anymore. Getting sick is such a normal thing. It happens to everyone. And most people don't really think twice about it.

[Hygge]

Aww poor thing. I used to be like that as a kid, not nearly as bad though. But I would deny being sick and hold in every sneeze or cough I could xP or I would run upstairs, close myself in my closet and cough into a pillow as softly as I could haha. I almost always end up developing bronchitis or pneumonia when I get sick now xP

My whole family is so germaphobic. If anyone was sick, they were quarantined. So I would hide being sick to avoid being lonely and rejected, and try SO hard to avoid illness entirely. Which worked pretty well. But I was always sooo self-conscious when I was actually sick. Speak like a delayed idiot to make sure I didn't say anything with an N or M that would reveal my sick voice lol. Or blame it on something like allergies, which I've always had.

I remember once when my family was out of town and I was staying with my friend's family, I was probably like 6 or 7. I was getting over being sick and just had the gross cough lol, and we were driving back from a trip to town and the mucous was all rumbling in my chest and I was holding my breath to keep from coughing. They figured out something was going on and told me to tell them what was wrong and I refused xP they told me I wasn't allowed to have dessert if I didn't tell them, and I still wouldn't haha. I eventually started crying, and they made me stay in my friends room for time out when we got home haha :/ I just thought they wouldn't let me stay if they found out I was sick, like they would ignore me and quarantine me like my family did. xP

In all honesty, I love being sick. I love it. A lot. I don't exactly know why... Just being in a bad condition and having a reason to slow down and re-coop, then once everything improves it's like rejuvenating and I like to be taken care of now... Obviously my family wasnt like that, I didn't know what I was missing hah. When i was staying in Germany with my "German family" (absolute best friend and her parents) for a few months, I got SO sick. I was like coughing until I would throw up and had a crazy fever and all of that. The first day it got really bad, I just stayed in bed the whole day because I didn't want to expose them or anything and thought they wouldn't want me around. But they were always coming in to check on my, take care of me, everything. They were so sweet and found out about how embarrassed I was about being sick (developed bronchitis after being sick for a month because I was so embarrassed about coughing lol), they would like encourage me to cough and I had to do all of these steam / medicine inhalations and they would make me lay down and hit my back until I coughed up everything haha. It was horrifying, but it made me realize that people don't care about you being a normal human! If they reject you for being sick, than they're pretty selfish, and that just shows you that they're not all that dependable.

Now I never get sick even though I want to xP I don't really have anyone to take care of me, but I guess now it makes me feel like I'm normal and loved anyway lol. That sounds pathetic. But I just enjoy nursing myself back to health and I like the symptoms. Now I'm still pretty self conscious about it, but it makes me so happy when someone still stays by my side even when they know I'm sick. It's like a little test to see who really cares lol.

Everyone in Germany wasn't nearly as clean as people here are. People here (even me at first) probably look at them as unsanitary, but now I adore their lifestyle. They still had me helping to prepare food when I was sick, even the people at the bakery don't wear gloves, they just hand butter you a pretzel and it's amazing. Everyone is clean, it's not like they don't shower or wash their hands. They're clean but not obsessive like people here can be. And I've learned that I won't die from sharing a fork with someone. I'm really comfortable with anything now, and that feels so much better than being so anxious about germs and whatever that won't kill you. When I was sick, we even still shared drinks. I tried to stop my friend at first and I thought she was trying to like sabotage herself and wanted to be sick, but people there just believe germs are spread differently... She even accidentally used my toothbrush. She would encourage me to use the freaky inhaler by using it with me and showing me. She cleaned up my puke and snot and all of that gross stuff, all of the family did, and no one else ever got sick. Idk whether they were already immune to that "German" strain I had lol, or if viruses aren't spread as much through saliva since we totally shared food and drinks and toothbrushes lol. It makes me doubt the "science" we have here lol, but that's a different story.

ANYWAY. That's my whole life for you in a novel. Lol. Sorry for rambling so much, I ramble like crazy xP I just would rather say too much than too little haha

So don't feel bad try to work toward being comfortable with yourself even when you're sick. Being sick is now like my favorite thing and I used to hate it so much. I don't think you have to want to be sick like I do lol, but I promise you'll be a lot happier without the anxiety

[CuteSneezeGirl]

Little_sniffle: Yay! I'm so happy I'm not the only one... ^^ *Highfives*

OinaGirl: I see. I'll probably grow out of it soon. Thanks! It's really embarrassing, but wouldn't put myself in danger for it.

San Beret: Thanks! ^^ That's very true. Most people don't mean it badly. I mean, my friends aren't mean when my other friend got sick. I'm just paranoid about it all. Hehe~

BubbleTea: I see. I try holding back my sneezes in public. And not really breathing so I don't cough. It's just so embarrassing...

Your German family seems nice! My family is nice too... I'm still embarrassed, though. Lol. And I have no idea what my friends would do if I got really sick. After all, I've never let them know. >.< Somehow, the less careful I am, the less I seem to get sick. It's SO weird. I mean I used to be completely terrified of germs... and took every precaution to avoid them. And I got sick. Now I'm kinda careless, and I don't get sick often... lol. =.= My sickness this year is way overdue. It's just a matter of time before I get something bad... and I'm sure it will be really embarrassing... :/

Thanks for the long comment! I really appreciate that you took the time to write that.

[Not_Telling]

I hide sickness too...Denial....all that stuff.

I HATE getting pity when Im sick. So, I pretend not to be sick (until I almost pass out. then I go to the nurse grumpily)

[Arty]

Im like that too... like i remember when i was younger, i had a bad head cold and i went to school..two classes before school was over my teacher foreced me to the nurse's office....

Well...i passed out with a fever of 103....i felt so guilty for my folks coming to get me and they were busy and stuff...now that im older...its still the same...i thought i was the only one too..i literally dont tell people just because i dont wanna worry others....my friend finds out quick and im like im fine just sneezy....but really im dying...but yeah...i get u.

[RemedyBane]

same! your not alone

[Lace Butterfly]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say this is a common fetishist problem (like I'm sure most people here feel this way,) as well as probably a lot of people who aren't, its normal. I used to be that way as a kid too... and even now a bit... like I got sick a few weeks ago and I had to go out on public transport a lot. It was so embarrassing sniffling every 2 seconds, and trying to stay away from people and not breathe in their air space. In fact its common courtesy to not want to get others sick and perfectly normal to not want to admit any kind of weakness. All anyone can do is just deal with it as best you can and above all take care of yourself, a 105 fever is serious so sometimes you have to put aside pride or discomfort for your health even if its really hard.

[Melody]

Honestly I totally sympathize with you. What you just said sums up me entirely. Im the exact same way so ur not alone! Unfortunately I have no idea to get over that fear personally I don't think I ever will but hey u live with it i guess. However I love it when others get sick Im just mortified when Im the one ill.. so yeah I'm totally in the same boat as you.

[YoriYori]

Yes, being sick always embarrassed me to bits. I'd turn into a giant grouchy monster not because I felt miserable, but because I was embarrassed and wanted to keep others away (like a wounded animal haha). You're not alone. I still don't want anyone to know. Except my boyfriend that would be OK, cuz he'd take care of me. But he's a germophobe too so I'd feel a bit bad.

Curiously, I went to work with a mask for a few days once because of the worst blemish of my life -.-. But I was too embarrassed to tell people that's the reason, so they assumed I was sick. That was so embarrassing I felt like dying. But no one shied away from me! Some people even touched my hands. I was shocked!

However, a fever that high as you mentioned ... there is a serious risk for brain damage. If a fever is that high I don't know if you can even be very conscious... need to go to hospital immediately! There was only one time I was so sick I could barely talk, so I did have to put aside my pride and have my brother drive me to hospital at like 3am in the morning. Worst ever. But at that point the sickness was greater than the shame. For many fetishists this embarrassment is normal. But if the embarrassment becomes a really big problem in your life that starts to interfere with relationships, work, school, etc, maybe you can think about seeking help.

Edited December 18, 2013 by cherry

[CuteSneezeGirl]

Not_Telling: Hehe, I agree! You made me laugh~ ^^

Artygirl22: Same here! Happened to me once... I think I had the flu, and I didn't admit it until I threw up. >.< It was so embarrassing...

peacelovehappiness1234: Yay! I always thought I was the only one... I'm glad I'm not! C':

KaidaLake: C-Common? ;v; Thanks! Haha, when my temperature's past 103 it's really hard to hide it... I don't know if that's a good thing... ^^" Usually, I just get colds, so they're pretty easy to hide... 0////0

Melody: Really? I feel that way too! I guess I'll just have to live with it! I'll probably get over it... someday... XD

cherry: Really? Wow! If I wore a mask, the first thing I'd say would be, "I'M NOT SICK!!! >.<" Luckily, the last time I had such a high fever, I stayed home from school. And missed a big performance. T.T

[MaiMai]

I know exactly how you feel! I will never, ever admit to anyone that I'm sick, even if I have an insanely high fever or anything. I just keep going and hope that no one notices. If anyone asks I just deny it I hate anyone to think that I'm vulnerable in any way, and I hate being pitied. I also hate being taken care of, so that makes me even more keen to avoid anyone finding out. I also always feel really guilty about people having to take care of me or anything, I just feel like I should be able to handle anything by myself, if that makes sense? Anyway, the list goes on, I have tons of issues with people knowing that I'm sick. If anyone does find out, I usually feel like I'm dying of awkwardness on the inside.

[Kushami Suki Da!]

To be fully honest, I am the exact same. I can't even sniffle with out blushing slightly... I'm not even easily embarrassed. I'm even more embarrassed to deny it and say "I'm not sick".

If someone asks me if I'm sick, I usually say that jI don't know.

It's even worse if you have to go home. People ask "why were you gone?" And I can't say that I don't know then. I'm always nervous though, and I try to get people not to talk to me at all.

[Sawyer]

It's even worse if you have to go home. People ask "why were you gone?" And I can't say that I don't know then. I'm always nervous though, and I try to get people not to talk to me at all.

Oh, man. This is definitely something that I do not miss about high school. You see everyone every day all day and so people are very aware of where you are and what you're doing and what your current state is... I would always make up some bullshit excuse that had nothing to do with me actually being sick, like "I had to go out of town" or "I was having car trouble" or just "I didn't feel like coming". As far as everyone knew, I never got sick. I was so hypersensitive and so embarrassed.

Weird how after September of my senior year, I went three years without being sick at all! So after graduating, I didn't even have to worry about it anyway. Would have come in handy if it had happened three years earlier... though I'm still not complaining.

[skater]

Ok so I'm new and I'm sorry if I'm not really supposed to reply to old stuff...I don't really know how this works yet. But the reason I made this account was because I saw this post. This is EXACTLY me. I've seriously spent so much time searching the Internet for someone like me and this completely nailed it

no vulnerability, no emotions, no sicknesses

it's like there's a mental block that's stopping me from admitting to being sick

Just saying the word "sick" is like impossible for me haha (but I loveee hearing other people say it ).

I get so self-conscious. A few months ago I was with cousins that I barely ever see and the whole time I was worried that they were thinking about the time that I was sick when we were like 10 (...7 years ago)

And I haven't missed school in 4 and a half years, but I'm really dreading the next time I do because there's NOTHING worse than people asking where you were.

thanks guys for showing me that I'm not the only one

[NoV]

You are certainly not alone here - I love sneezes, but detest being sick myself, and its made even worse if other people around me notice I am sick and comment on it. People talking about me being sick or asking me how I'm feeling irritates me beyond belief