A huge fight with my boyfriend :'( Help?

[ImTHATweird]

I just found out my boyfriend does not support gay marriage or being gay at all. He has said hurtful things about those who are gay. He is very Catholic. I told him I wouldn't stand for it and I think he thinks I am gross to I could not believe he said these things. I tried to convince him the other way but we just ended up in a huge fight. We had a very playful relationship, so this never came up. I have many gay/lesbian friends, and I can't believe he would insult them like that. Also now I know he would probably disprove of the fetish. My Mom gave some great advice, but does anyone else have some?

(Sorry for the Debbie downer)

[darkness-is-the-light]

Please don't take his words to heart. If he believes a certain way about gays then let him, you can't change how he thinks. The one major problem about people thinking that gays are bad are because they are different. Whenever someone sees someone who is different they go after them because they're not exactly like them. People who think this way have to realize that there's nothing wrong with gays. Maybe you could ask your boyfriend about how he would feel if you were secretly bi or somewhat gay, ask him if that would change his opinion on you. I understand that you hate the way he thinks about gays but please just let it slide and not get to you because you know that they aren't bad and everything that he said.

Just because he thinks one certain way won't change the way that you think about them. I'm extremely sorry for you and how you feel but if I were you I would tell him how I feel and just leave it at that. Don't ruin your relationship over an opinion. There might always be a disliking against gays and that's very sad. Everyone needs to learn to not judge a book by its cover because there's true beauty in everyone. It might take some time for him to realize that, maybe try showing him the great things about your friends and he might loosen up. Again I'm very sorry but I hope this helps and if it doesn't then it was worth a try.

[ImTHATweird]

Please don't take his words to heart. If he believes a certain way about gays then let him, you can't change how he thinks. The one major problem about people thinking that gays are bad are because they are different. Whenever someone sees someone who is different they go after them because they're not exactly like them. People who think this way have to realize that there's nothing wrong with gays. Maybe you could ask your boyfriend about how he would feel if you were secretly bi or somewhat gay, ask him if that would change his opinion on you. I understand that you hate the way he thinks about gays but please just let it slide and not get to you because you know that they aren't bad and everything that he said.

Just because he thinks one certain way won't change the way that you think about them. I'm extremely sorry for you and how you feel but if I were you I would tell him how I feel and just leave it at that. Don't ruin your relationship over an opinion. There might always be a disliking against gays and that's very sad. Everyone needs to learn to not judge a book by its cover because there's true beauty in everyone. It might take some time for him to realize that, maybe try showing him the great things about your friends and he might loosen up. Again I'm very sorry but I hope this helps and if it doesn't then it was worth a try.

Thanks so much Beliber That really helps almost exactly what my Ma said. I always like a second opinion.

[murphy dee]

Break up with him, I say. Ditch the jerk. It's a good thing you've learned he's a bigot now instead of later on down the line. I mean it's one thing to say, "My faith doesn't condone homosexuality but I don't judge gay people" but it's quite another thing to say hurtful and insulting stuff about homosexuals.

Belieber just posted: "I understand that you hate the way he thinks about gays but please just let it slide and not get to you because you know that they aren't bad and everything that he said."

I say WHY? Why on earth should you let that slide? Are you just supposed to shrug your shoulders and accept that you're in a relationship with a bigot? NO! I say assert yourself and leave his ass. Find yourself an open-minded guy who will respect other people.

[DragonDust]

I'm not sure exactly what I would do in this situation, but if there's a possibility of prejudice for any reason, I wouldn't stand for it. Especially if it would hurt anyone I cared about. I can be understanding to a point but there really is no excuse for bigotry, although I suppose in this case it's more based on his upbringing. try and educate him on the subject, but I don't like the way your post makes him sound.

[Melody]

If you love him, and he loves you, he will honestly just respect your opinion and you will his. Maybe he will change over time but if not, does what he think about gays really affect your life? Sure its terrible and very narrow minded but hey its the Catholic way he was raised. As for the fetish I say keep it to yourself for a while. Maybe in the near future tell him to see his reaction. If he really cares he may not be supportive but will let it go. Just please don't ruin your whole relationship over some petty opinion. Sorry about this, hope it all works out!

[Azrael]

damn if he feels this way about gay people i can only imagine what he'd do if he found out you had this fetish....personally i wouldnt put up with staying with someone who is so close minded....especially when their opinions are insulting to others i care about. i'd dropkick them if it were my boyfriend....but no of course not, dont kick your boyfriend lol.

yeah its because he is catholic, but this is also a reason i dont get along that great with catholics...theyre too uptight

[murphy dee]

Sure its terrible and very narrow minded but hey its the Catholic way he was raised.

This is a terrible reason to just overlook someone's faults. "Ohh, my boyfriend is narrow-minded and insulting of people I care a lot about, but I should still stay with him because IT'S NOT HIS FAULT IT'S HOW HE WAS RAISED." I'm sorry but that just sounds really stupid to me.

[darkness-is-the-light]

Break up with him, I say. Ditch the jerk. It's a good thing you've learned he's a bigot now instead of later on down the line. I mean it's one thing to say, "My faith doesn't condone homosexuality but I don't judge gay people" but it's quite another thing to say hurtful and insulting stuff about homosexuals.

Belieber just posted: "I understand that you hate the way he thinks about gays but please just let it slide and not get to you because you know that they aren't bad and everything that he said."

I say WHY? Why on earth should you let that slide? Are you just supposed to shrug your shoulders and accept that you're in a relationship with a bigot? NO! I say assert yourself and leave his ass. Find yourself an open-minded guy who will respect other people.

I'm so sorry Murphy, when I said let it side I mean that it's his opinion and for it to not get to her. I have nothing against gays and I think that it's terrible that people hate them.

[murphy dee]

I'm so sorry Murphy, when I said let it side I mean that it's his opinion and for it to not get to her. I have nothing against gays and I think that it's terrible that people hate them.

I know Belieber, I know you weren't saying you had anything against gay people. I'm saying that the idea of "just let it slide" isn't a very good one. I mean if their disagreement was over how to best decorate the living room or something, that'd be a "just let it slide" situation. But her boyfriend isn't respectful of gay people and doesn't think they deserve the same rights as straight people, and that's kind of a big deal and should actually, in my opinion, be a relationship dealbreaker.

[SterlingSilver]

I would just say that values mean a lot in a relationship. I'm not saying it's impossible to be with someone who does not believe what you believe, but it makes it much, much harder. If it's like, "I hate salads, and you love them," that is one thing, like Murphey was saying with the decorating. But this is a bigger, important issue.

I don't want to tell you to break up with him, since this is all your personal decision, but I could not stay with my boyfriend if his opinions greatly offended my values. I personally need to be with someone who, if doesn't share my values, at the least RESPECTS them. It sounds like your stance on gay/lesbian issues offends him. And he is offending you with his. I'm not sure what a proper middle ground would be, and since his ideas on the matter already personally hurt you, I can't see this working out unless one of you changes your mind on the subject.

Regardless of how anyone else feels about this, it should come down to you, imTHATweird. If this is something you cannot tolerate from him, perhaps negotiation on the matter or a breakup is the answer. If you yourself can look past this opinion in life, then maybe you and him will continue to work. My last comment (reminder) is the respect thing. If he cannot at least respect your opinion and refrain from saying things that hurt you, then I do not think that is a very good demonstration of his love for you.

^ Of course, this is all my opinion and I offered it to help, so listen or ignore me as you wish xD *floats away*

[FreeFluShots]

I kind of have to agree with Murphy D. But in most cases where someone asks for advice, they already know what they want/need to do and just need someone to validate the decision for them. So my advice is to do what you think is right.

Edited because I carn't spel.

Edited December 22, 2013 by FreeFluShots

[ImTHATweird]

OMG guys, he just called me.... said he was dumb and he was caught up in something else and did not mean what he said. He said sometimes he did not mean he did not support gays, but he was raised Catholic and it makes him uncomfortable and he did not want to direct any of this at my friends, that he loves them too. and he has a bad temper. and we can work on it together :) Oh thank goodness were gonna talk more tomorrow and work things out I do love him, so I'm willing! I'm glad this dident ruin Christmas!

Thank you guys so much for the advice! But I don't want you guys fighting over my petty little problems! Sorry!

[bloom]

You are seventeen with no reason to stay with such a repugnant individual. Ditch him, because it's not worth your time and effort to change his bigoted views.

"Let it slide" wouldn't work for me here. I don't date people with evil, hateful views, so this would be the end of the line for me.

If you love him, and he loves you, he will honestly just respect your opinion and you will his.

This is a horrible way of looking at it. What if someone you were dating said they supported something horrible like separate restaurants for whites and people of color? Is that an opinion worth respecting? No, and neither is this one.

I see ImTHATweird has posted in the time it's taken me to write this, but I'm going to go ahead and post it anyway as most of it still stands/pertains to similar situations if they arise.

Edited December 22, 2013 by Junia

[Jorm]

I would just say that values mean a lot in a relationship. I'm not saying it's impossible to be with someone who does not believe what you believe, but it makes it much, much harder. If it's like, "I hate salads, and you love them," that is one thing, like Murphey was saying with the decorating. But this is a bigger, important issue.

I don't want to tell you to break up with him, since this is all your personal decision, but I could not stay with my boyfriend if his opinions greatly offended my values. I personally need to be with someone who, if doesn't share my values, at the least RESPECTS them. It sounds like your stance on gay/lesbian issues offends him. And he is offending you with his. I'm not sure what a proper middle ground would be, and since his ideas on the matter already personally hurt you, I can't see this working out unless one of you changes your mind on the subject.

Regardless of how anyone else feels about this, it should come down to you, imTHATweird. If this is something you cannot tolerate from him, perhaps negotiation on the matter or a breakup is the answer. If you yourself can look past this opinion in life, then maybe you and him will continue to work. My last comment (reminder) is the respect thing. If he cannot at least respect your opinion and refrain from saying things that hurt you, then I do not think that is a very good demonstration of his love for you.

^ Of course, this is all my opinion and I offered it to help, so listen or ignore me as you wish xD *floats away*

There's really very little for me to add to this. Ultimately it comes down to whether or not you're comfortable being with someone who holds those views. I would say though, that I would take his apology with a grain of salt, he may well genuinely feel bad about what he said, but the thought to say it still came from somewhere. People who don't have some amount of homophobia don't say things like that, no matter how angry they are. So I wouldn't write off his earlier statements too quickly.

[Galaxy]

I agree with everything Murphy D. said. Prejudism is prejudism, whether he dislikes those of different sexualities, ethnicities, what have you. I agree with couples respecting each other's opinions, but NOT when those opinions are for constricting the freedom and happiness of others. And if he is so very Catholic, then shouldn't he follow one of the most emphasized teachings in the Bible, 'only God may judge you'?

And I'm not buying that he 'didn't mean it', if he didn't mean it he wouldn't have said it. And being uncomfortable with other people being happy is still pretty awful. I mean, if someone in today's society was raised by racists, you just expect them to get what's right into their thick skull. They have their own mind and can make their own decisions, contrary to popular belief.

You are seventeen. You have your whole life to find someone with less toxic views. But hell, that's what I'd do. I can't stand people who even utter relatively homophobic/transphobic/racist/etc opinions. But it's your choice, hun *shrug*

[TheCakeIsAlive]

This is a terrible reason to just overlook someone's faults. "Ohh, my boyfriend is narrow-minded and insulting of people I care a lot about, but I should still stay with him because IT'S NOT HIS FAULT IT'S HOW HE WAS RAISED." I'm sorry but that just sounds really stupid to me.

ImTHATweird is 17 so I assume her boyfriend is roughly of that age as well. Now I am not saying that being young is an excuse for anything, however, I would like to say that at that age, the views you're probably most exposed to are those of your direct family. It's almost unavoidable some of that will stick to some degree.

Personally I didn't start looking critically at some of those things instilled in my thought pattern through my upbringing until I had moved away from my parents (I am not going into what they are here, but no, they were not homophobic).

Imagine for a moment your upbringing has been rather sheltered and the only thoughts on homosexuality you've ever encountered SO FAR are "It is bad, going against God etc etc." It might be a subject you don't really get confronted with outside that, so in that case you probably won't think about it any more than that or re-evaluate your opinion on it.

I am still not saying homophobia is acceptable, but would not having re-evaluated an opinion really automatically make the person a bad person?

Now I do not know ImTHATweird's boyfriend and his situation might be very different, but I feel that telling her to dump him without knowing the background or taking into account that he might not have put any thoughts into the matter yet goes a little far.

His views might change a lot yet on some further thought, or they may not. I think BlackScatter makes some very good points.

[March Hare]

...Also, you all seem to have missed her update. Apparently, it's not even all as bad as it seemed at first.

ImTHATweird, good luck with working everything out. I'm glad he's trying to modify his prejudices.

[Mash]

I just found out my boyfriend does not support gay marriage or being gay at all. He has said hurtful things about those who are gay. He is very Catholic. I told him I wouldn't stand for it and I think he thinks I am gross to I could not believe he said these things. I tried to convince him the other way but we just ended up in a huge fight. We had a very playful relationship, so this never came up. I have many gay/lesbian friends, and I can't believe he would insult them like that. Also now I know he would probably disprove of the fetish. My Mom gave some great advice, but does anyone else have some?

(Sorry for the Debbie downer)

This... is a rough situation for you.

As a man of a non-religious disposition growing up in a religious town, I can definitely understand not wanting to touch topics like this when around friends with differing, or potentially difference views. A lot of my relationships with my classmates were extremely superficial because of this.

A romantic relationship cannot function like that. You don't have to agree with each other's beliefs, but you do need to accept that they're there. After that, it's simply a matter of agreeing to disagree. He needs to accept that you have gay friends, and you need to accept that he doesn't, and probably never will. But ultimately, as others have said, it depends on how big of an issue this is to you, personally. There's always the chance that he'll change... but speaking from personal experience, I wouldn't put too many eggs in that basket.

[Bondi]

I actually beg to differ on that last point. Just because someone says something when they're 17, doesn't mean they're still going to believe it when they're 20, or 25, or 30, or whatever. People's beliefs do evolve over time and I know that from personal experience.

In any case, I'mThatWeird, if he respects your feelings and stuff, then that's probably what counts and really, you're the only one who can decide how you want to handle this situation.

[Professor_s]

Prejudice is in the eye of the beholder...or rather the offended.

[Jorm]

Um... No, I'm pretty sure prejudice is prejudice regardless of whose around to hear it. It's not a zen tree.

Edited because key words are key.

Edited December 29, 2013 by Ouroboros

[Professor_s]

You say tomato, I say tomahto. You say liberal, I say conservative. If you honestly say you've never say an offensive thing about another person, I call you a liar. Those posts show the hypocrisy. Hate is relative.

[Joal 555]

Just a reminder, this is not the snake pit.

Let's keep this civil please.

Thank you.

[Jorm]

Where did I say I've never said anything offensive about another person? I've said plenty of offensive things about people, some of them intentional, some of them through ignorance. I don't quite see your point...