Are you into hurt/comfort? This obs might be for you. (Long).

[OhDearBlessYou]

It's been a month since my grandma fell in the hospital due to pneumonia, and survived septicemia. I had only cried once, in the very beginning of the crisis, just because my mom was crying. I had never seen her so affected, she thought (with good reason) my grandma wouldn't survive the sepsis. She was sitting on my bed, telling me with a broken, congested voice that her body wasn't strong enough to fight that infection, and she broke down. I hugged her, and she sobbed into my chest, while I rubbed her back slowly. I wanted to cry too, but I felt like I had to hold back for my mom this time. When she let me go, I went to the kitchen to keep cooking lunch. I always play music when I'm doing chores, so I did. Then it was my turn to cry. Seeing my mom so helpless and vulnerable broke my heart in a million pieces. Thankfully, the music was loud enough to hide my quiet sobs. Five minutes, and I was done. That was a month ago.

The month was an emotional roller coaster, jumping from having hope on my grandma waking up from the induced coma and fighting the pneumonia, to not having any hope. During this entire time, visiting my grandma in the hospital every day after work, I remained contained. A week ago, grandma woke up on her birthday. There was hope. The next day, she had a heart attack. She was dead for fifteen minutes, but the doctors resurrected her. This week, two days after that event, Doctor said the possibility of my grandma having severe brain damage was very high, since her only response to pain was only "trying to open her eyes". My uncle and aunt were in denial about her brain damage, and therefore considering to disconnect her, since they wanted to keep her alive at any cost, just because they felt guilty. This made me insanely angry, because I thought it was very egotistical to keep my grandma suffering in a bodily prison just because of their guilty conscience. I was also impotent because I had no right to a say in this situation. I felt this way the entire week, and could never find the time to release that tension. Until yesterday, when the Doctor gave us official results. My grandma won't wake up from the deep coma, and in this hospital, disconnecting her is not an option. They'll just wait.

After the visit, in college, I told a friend. He listened and told me quite comforting things. I contained myself because I hardly cry in front of anyone, but he did look curious every time my eyes started to get watery. Hours later, I couldn't handle the stuffiness in my head and went to a hidden bathroom where almost no one goes. It was hard to get myself started, to actually cry, so there were some dry sobs of frustration at first. I put on the right music and remembered every thing pains me in this situation. I wrote them down on my phone while the tears kept streaming unchecked, and I sobbed quietly, but very deeply and intensely, with a totally scrunched face. Someone entered the bathroom and I went as quiet as I could, though a little snivel and two congested and very wet sniffles escaped me. When she left, I kept sobbing. Now that I'd started, it was hard to stop, for which I did nothing. After about twenty minutes, the crying stopped naturally. I wiped tears and my nose with my hand and sniffled deeply, and proceeded to wash my face to go on with my day. During class, I would let out the occasional after-crying hitchy breaths and sighs, those that can be more easily heard in little kids than adults. The whole thing was intense.

Thanks for reading this, it was more like a catharsis than an obs, so I apologize.

I feel better now, though.

[GG Lewis]

I'm so sorry to hear about you going through this really hard thing. You are really strong.