Internalized Homophobia/Transphobia (and my experience with being attracted to same-gender sneezing when I thought I was straight)

[Sawyer]

"I'm straight and I like men only, but I fantasize about women sometimes. Sexuality is just fluid and complicated that way."

"I'm sexually attracted to women and men, but only romantically attracted to men, so I consider myself straight."

"I'm bisexual with a strong preference for women. I'm still into men and I love my boyfriend, but I fantasize about women almost exclusively."

"I'm not really attracted to men... I don't want to have sex with them. This must mean I'm asexual! I still want to date them, though, and cuddle them, so I'll call myself heteromantic. My fantasizing and getting off to women doesn't really have anything to do with this."

"I might be a lesbian, but that's impossible, isn't it? I really am genuinely attracted to fictional men and male celebrities."

"I'm gay. I'm a lesbian!"

It took years for me to jump from each thought process to the next. I was two months shy of 24 when I realized I wasn't attracted to men. For clarity, I'm agender and attracted to women and other nonbinary people, and my personal expression and experience of the world fits with the lesbian identity perfectly. It took me such a long time to realize this -- literally 14 years of getting off only to women and dating only men with no sexual spark -- and a lot of it is because of the heteronormative messages that I grew up seeing here.

There's a lot that I want to write about, but I'll stick to what's relevant to this forum specifically. People really, really want to cling to any shred of straightness that they have, and it's often unintentional. They still want to be attracted to the opposite gender because it's safe, because it's normalized, because it feels socially natural. I thought that masturbating to women sneezing was a completely separate part of my sexuality, and that it meant I could still be straight (or ace, or bisexual). I also specifically remember being 13 and seeing a comment on the forum that confirmed this for me, so I literally never thought about it again until I was 23 and having catastrophic problems with my sex life.

It's not like I don't enjoy male material. It's not like I don't enjoy reading about men or I don't get fictional crushes on men sometimes. This is an incredibly common experience for lesbians, and I'm finally understanding that it doesn't make me demi/asexual and hetero/bi-romantic... It just means I have internalized homophobia, like everyone else who grew up in a world that prefers its citizens to be straight. There's a push right now for people to intellectualize their feelings, too, which is the source of the incredibly harmful split-attraction model that I've been seeing so much of lately.

But my body not responding sexually to men means that I'm a lesbian -- plain and simple.

And it's a very, very common experience for LGBT people to identify with asexuality during adolescence/early adulthood and consider it a stopping point, instead of examining their feelings more closely and figuring out more about themselves. The split attraction model and modern asexual rhetoric really stunted me, and those are years I'm bitter about missing when I could have spent them knowing my truth.

It isn't my place to dictate someone else's sexuality, and if someone wants to call themselves straight despite being sexually attracted to the same gender (hey you might be bi! you might be gay! would that really be so bad?), then there's nothing I can do to stop them. I know that there's no forcing people out of the closet, and if someone wants, or needs, to stay there then that's entirely their pejorative. But coming out to myself changed my life for the better in every conceivable way. It was like coming home.

I know that a post like this would have meant a lot to me back when I was 13 and new to the forum. It could've completely changed my adolescence, and I hope that hearing my story might help another person like me realize something about themselves too. I strongly encourage other LGBT or questioning people to share their experiences and ask questions in this thread, because I know I haven't been the only one harmed and stunted by compulsory heterosexuality. I would really love to hear from you all as well.

Clarification: When I say "out of the closet", I mean to themselves. I know how complicated and difficult it is to come out to the people in your life, and that's an entirely different discussion.

Edited August 14, 2017 by Sen Beret
bolding a few parts for emphasis

[darkness-is-the-light]

I personally identify as a biromantic demisexual which leans more towards asexual than sexual. I also have a preference for women. 

For years I believed I was straight. I thought I was following society's vision of young women growing up to be married to a man by 25 and having children. I noticed something was different at a young age. I felt a certain pull towards women along with men and found myself wanting to kiss them at times. I brushed off this feeling though because I believed I was straight. The adults around me told me it was only a phase and most young women want to experiment with other women. I didn't realize there was more than a desire to experiment until I was around 13. The feelings became more sexual and I started looking online for clarity. 

Within a few months I realized that I was not straight and I originally believed I was bisexual. I thought this was the case until I turned 15. I became more uncomfortable around sexual scenes in movies and the thought of sex really bothered me. But I knew that when I did feel something it came from a deep emotional connection with someone, which happened to be another woman. I knew I felt this way, but I still couldn't believe I wasn't straight. Even now I have issues accepting my sexuality. 

I guess I always thought I would follow society's vision and now that I'm not it feels wrong. This is most likely some form of internalized homophobia. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept who I am but I hope I will. 

[bloom]

7 hours ago, Sophie83540 said:

I personally identify as a biromantic demisexual which leans more towards asexual than sexual.

I hope you don't mind, Sophie, if I use your comment here as a springboard for some general thoughts, because unfortunately this is exactly the kind of harmful split attraction model that Sen was referring to in their post. 

All "you"s following are general:
There isn't really a scale of asexual to sexual, where there is a certain amount of "sexual" you must feel in order to become a "sexual" rather than an asexual. If you feel sexual attraction, you're not asexual. And that's fine! And that has a lot to do with what Sen is saying - splitting your attraction into such fine hairs between sexual and romantic attraction is a way of expressing internalized homophobia, a way of distancing yourself from your same-gender attraction.

If you (again, general you) find yourself almost exclusively fantasizing about your same gender, only getting serious crushes on them, etc... you're probably just exclusively attracted to your own gender, and that's wonderful and nothing to try to shove to the side of hide. It's easy to want to continue to date the "opposite" gender because that's what's easy, but it's not worth hiding a significant portion of yourself, because it's never going to be what ultimately makes you happy in the long run.

I also worry about teenagers splitting their attraction in this way, because it's often inflexible and I've seen so many kids jump through hoops to retain the asexual label even as they develop sexual attraction as they get older. It's so much easier for a "homoromantic asexual" kid to just label themselves as gay and treat their experiences the way everyone should - as individual.

I feel incredibly lucky that I figured out a significant portion of my sexuality before this type of thinking reared its ugly head, because it would have for sure damaged and stunted me like I know it's damaged and stunted so many people. Even though I was lucky enough to avoid it on the basis of my sexuality, I identified as asexual or gray-asexual or "ace spectrum" or something for several years before I realized that my problem was that I could not have a partner interact with my body if they viewed me as a cis woman and had sex with me in that way - the root of the problem was dysphoria, not any inherent lack of sexual attraction. 

I meandered off topic here and there, but I think it's mostly in keeping with the theme of this thread.

Edited August 12, 2017 by Junia

[Chanel_no5]

Sen, I am so glad you're allowing yourself to be who you really are. You are very, very brave.  

So are you, sophie and Junia. It takes guts just to admit it to yourself. It shouldn't be that way, but unfortunately it still is.

 

I apologise for this, it's going to be all over the place, but it's my story. Bit vague in places, so feel free to ask if you wonder about something.

Okay. Even as a small kid it was like I saw women in full colour and men in black-and-white (not literally). It might not have been too odd that I thought women were more present, since I grew up in a fairly traditional setting, dad had a typically male job and mom had a typically female job, and I spent my days with my grandma, who was a housewife. So I guess it wasn't too much of a stretch that I would feel more comfortable around women; I was also a very sensitive dreamy child, not at all a tree-climbing tomboy. I wasn't forced into a specific set of toys or anything; I had a toy gun, race car track, knight's armour and sword, I also had a ton of Barbie dolls, sparkly My Little Ponies, princess clothing... I think I played with all of it equally. When I started horseback riding pretty much everything was switched for horse stuff. Everybody just waited for me to reach that inevitable moment where I’d be more interested in boys and makeup and music, and give up on horses, but I never did.

I did have a crush on a boy in my class in elementary/middle school, although I suspect most of that was expectations – everybody else had a crush, and one of the boys didn’t look bad at all, and it wasn’t embarrassing to get caught writing his name in a couple of hearts. But at the same time, I had these intense feelings for teachers, celebrities and fictional characters, only women. I think that largely passed as role models and characters I identified with, if I (or others) even thought about it at all. It was just natural for me to lean towards females. 

I never crushed on girls who were my age or, you know, approachable, maybe because I needed to put distance between them and myself so it wouldn't be too real. I know once my family (and my therapists) learned that I had these crushes they brushed them off as "hero worship" and that I wanted "to be" these women, rather than being with them. I almost believed it because they seemed to know much better than I did what I was and what I wanted. I clung to knowing I had had a crush on my male classmate when I was a kid, so I did fall in love with boys, right? I only needed to find the right boy. Right? It was such a romantic idea, too. I devoured Disney movies waiting for my prince to come and give me True Love's Kiss but I wasn't ever interested in the princes, only in the princesses. I probably should have realised sooner, but back then it was something you just didn't talk about. I didn’t know homosexuality existed AT ALL until I was twelve or so, and even then it was vaguest possible awareness that didn’t seem to be at all connected to the butterflies I got from specific women. That was just… a thing I had.

As a teen, I developed another coping mechanism; the women I was attracted to, I began to hate. I wasn't sure why I couldn't get enough of them if I disliked them so strongly, but I pushed all the whys aside. Back in those days, at least here in my part of the world, there was no such thing as "girl crushes" either, so I couldn't dismiss my fascination with Scully from the X-files as "I have a girl crush on her because she's so cool". I decided I hated Scully because I was jealous that she got to be with Mulder. That kind of tactic worked on all my fictional crushes until Star Trek: Voyager. Oh, Janeway. At that point I did embrace the "want to be like her"-theory instead. It was easier. Never mind that I didn't actually want to be like her - I knew it’s just not in me to be a leader - but it was easier than to admit that I was head over heels for her. 

Thanks to internet, which was all the rage then (I swear you kids today will never know the struggle), I got myself a long-distance boyfriend. We met in real life once, no sparks, apart from that, excellent coverup. 

I was fifteen when I fell in love for the first time. Yeah, it was a teacher, so we're still with the distance thing, but the feelings were way different than anything I had ever felt before. It was just undeniable that I was in love with her. So what’s a baby dyke terrified of being found out to do? 

I quickly picked out a guy (interestingly enough, with the same colours and basic facial features as the boy I "crushed on" in elementary and middle school) whom I knew was single, generally regarded as kinda cool, and decided I was going to have a crush on him instead, redirecting my feelings and project them onto him instead. We even texted back and forth for a while, I think that if I had been more confident about my looks I wouldn't have hesitated at all, I would have dated him, just to take focus away from what I really longed for. I didn't feel anything for him, but I spent hours staring at his picture in the yearbook trying to force myself to get butterflies, and tried to ignore that I only got those butterflies when I flipped over to the photo of the teachers. 

I couldn’t deny this for very long though, but I thought if I could “stop this descent into gayness before it went too far” (yes, I really did think like that) I could stop at bisexual, which wasn’t GREAT but that way I could find a man I loved and I would be happy and nobody would ever know I sometimes liked ladies too. 

Mhm. Might have worked if I had actually been bisexual, but it was pretty obvious that wasn’t how I ticked. You have to remember I was just a teen.

After getting over this teacher (which took six years by the way) I got into a weird spiral where I was only attracted to women I found intimidating, women whose personalities and life paths were so different from mine we wouldn't have lasted one week as a couple, and/or women who took advantage of my feelings and who treated me poorly. As soon as I learned that female celebrities I crushed on were said to be pretty nice people, I lost interest. This part is all me and not about finding out I was gay, (some straight girls only like bad boys. I liked mean women) but it's so intertwined I can't just leave one part out. I truly wanted an independent and confident woman, but because of other things that happened in my life I could not distinguish between that and arrogance/conceit. I wanted a kind woman, but when I found one I either felt suffocated or I thought her kindness felt maternal, and contrary to popular belief, I’ve never looked for a mother substitute. I wanted a sensitive woman, but at the same time I thought they were weak. It just never added up, and I kept rejecting the sweet and falling for the unkind.

There was no longer any question about my sexuality as such; I knew for sure I was attracted to women, and I don’t consider that a problem. The issue has been the TYPE of women I’ve been attracted to.

For the past couple of years I've been in a state of change where I slowly let go of misconceptions and accept certain quirks about myself. I am totally comfortable with being slightly submissive - but I still want to be treated with respect. I got to know a woman who is truly independent and confident – it’s not just a persona – and learned that she is also kind and gentle. Maaaaybe not exactly sensitive, she’s about as subtle as an earthquake, but knowing her has helped me see that yes, a confident woman can also be kind. It’s not two extremes that can’t mix. I semi-crush/ed on her, but I never fell in love with her. I do believe if I ever fall in love again she will be a lot like her, and it will be easier to find her now that I know better what I really want.

I also managed to have a celebrity crush that started out as a character crush. With my usual MO, it shouldn’t have extended to the actress because unlike her standoffish, authoritative, serious character, she turned out not only to be a dork, but a sensitive and mild-mannered dork. Strike one, two, three, you’re out. Only not with this one.

(Also, I literally just realised that she too has the same colours and basic facial features as those guys I picked out because I thought they were goodlooking. I don’t know if that means I’m finally starting to get all the pieces together or if I’m just making it even more complicated.)

 

Anyway. I do find men goodlooking at times, as long as they’re wearing clothes. I am immediately put off by a man without clothes, or with very little clothes. Okay, to be fair, since I have a thing for suits and uniforms I do prefer if a woman is dressed too, I am attracted to female bodies, but I’m not big on the over-sexualised commercial style of undress, I think it’s… kind of boring, to be honest. I think women are sexy, but I’m not interested in having sexiness shoved down my throat when I’m out grocery shopping or stuff. I don’t find that sexy at all. What it does is making what should be sexy, dull and boring and overexposed. I think women are most attractive when they're not thinking about trying to be attractive.

I’m not going to say there is no way I could ever fall in love with a man or want to have sex with a man, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. I’m pretty uninterested in sex with women too, but I don’t consider myself asexual because I do occasionally indulge in pretty steamy fantasies. It’s just that the fetish is a stronger sex drive than the sex-sex drive for me, you know? Also, when I started figuring myself out, nobody talked about asexuality. I still don't hear anyone talk about it in my circles. You're either straight or gay, or you're one of those who can't make up their mind (general opinion, not mine), but everyone's assumed to want sex.

 

My family insist they don’t have any problem with me being gay, but it’s very clear to me they get uncomfortable whenever it comes up and they’d prefer if I keep it a secret. I feel equally uncomfortable, so we never bring it up.

 

As for sneezing, that has never been up for debate. I was and am only attracted to female sneezing. I can like the sound of a male sneeze if the sound is exactly right, but I don’t want to picture the guy doing it. Male sneezing in fiction turns me off, and seeing men sneeze in videos or real life does too. With the fetish though, I still like arrogant ladies. I quite like seeing the bossy ones taken down a notch. But I don’t ONLY like that.

 

TL;DR: I’ve liked the ladies all my life and yet it came as a SHOCK when I realised I was a lesbian.   

 

 

ETA: Oh, I forgot to mention. You probably couldn't find a bigger homophobe than me when I was between age 13-15 or so. I hated gay people. There was another girl in my class who also hated gays.

Guess which two people from that class turned out to be gay...?

Edited August 12, 2017 by Chanel_no5

[Sawyer]

Thank you so much for responding so far, everyone!

8 hours ago, Junia said:

I could not have a partner interact with my body if they viewed me as a cis woman and had sex with me in that way - the root of the problem was dysphoria, not any inherent lack of sexual attraction. 

I'm so glad you brought this up, Junia, and I really want to emphasize it. This has been true for me too, and a big part of my repulsion during sex was the thought of having sex "as a woman". Having my body, my entire being, viewed from an inherently wrong perspective like that only becomes magnified when it's the focus of a sexual interaction. I know that this happens to so many trans people, and they would experience so much relief if they were able to come out to themselves as trans instead of suffering as an incorrectly identified (gray) asexual cis person.

[Heathcliff]

I'd like to respond to this topic, and I hope it's appropriate.

I call myself straight in public. On the forum I would now call myself bisexual. But I feel closer to being straight, and I'd like to say why I think that, and why I don't think I am in denial about it.

I've always been attracted to women, and I like female sneezes. I am also aroused by men, but only in a select way. I like some male sneezes, but I'm generally very picky about them (I like a huge variety of female sneezes, but in contrast the few men I do like turn me on quite intensely). I also watch some porn online with men, almost always amateur stuff with men masturbating. That gets me off; but I watch quite a bit of stuff with women too.

The reason I said, for a long time, that I was "a straight man who gets off sometimes on men" is because I've never had any desire to have a relationship with a man or have sex with one. I fantasise about women I know, and women can make me get flustered; but men don't do that.

Maybe it was incorrect to say I was straight... but one reason I didn't say "bi" was because I didn't want to claim an LGBT identity when I didn't really feel it affected my life much. But I'm confident in my sexual identity, not in doubt or denial.

I think it is definitely possible to be a largely heterosexual man, but enjoy male sneezes (for example you have said it is not uncommon for a lesbian to get fictional crushes on men).

I also agree with the danger of over-intellectualising sexuality; I feel rather lost with terms like "biromantic demisexual" and I worry people are labelling themselves too much (though if you feel that label suits you perfectly, I won't argue).

Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable about your sexuality, and I wish there were no norms imposed by society that made people uncomfortable to get in touch with their sexual identities.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Chanel_no5]

I also wanted to comment that, unlike Sen and Junia, I never had the additional stress of dealing with being trans. I've always felt like a woman and never felt out of place in my gender identity. I apologise if I phrase this in a way that is in any way offensive or insensitive; my point is that I have absolutely no idea what that feels like, but it must be tough as hell. At least I was spared that experience.

[MaiMai]

19 hours ago, Sen Beret said:

It's not like I don't enjoy male material. It's not like I don't enjoy reading about men or I don't get fictional crushes on men sometimes. This is an incredibly common experience for lesbians, and I'm finally understanding that it doesn't make me demi/asexual and hetero/bi-romantic... It just means I have internalized homophobia, like everyone else who grew up in a world that prefers its citizens to be straight.

This hit home with me so hard?? I've never really thought about it like this before. When I was younger, my attraction in terms of the fetish was actually solely to females, and when I was in my mid-late teens that got entirely replaced by a male preference. It's taken me a while to get back to liking female material, but I've always felt as though liking male material must mean that I still have some sort of interest in men...? But, maybe I don't?

I (think) I identify as asexual, but I don't really know. I've always just shyed away from the entire thing, and it makes me anxious even thinking about it, soo... *shrugs*

Thank you so much for posting this, Sen. It's given me a lot to think about. <3

[Sawyer]

1 hour ago, MaiMai said:

This hit home with me so hard?? I've never really thought about it like this before. When I was younger, my attraction in terms of the fetish was actually solely to females, and when I was in my mid-late teens that got entirely replaced by a male preference. It's taken me a while to get back to liking female material, but I've always felt as though liking male material must mean that I still have some sort of interest in men...? But, maybe I don't?

Oh my god, MaiMai, you don't even know how much it means to me that something I said in this post resonated with you!

A big reason that lesbians prefer men in fiction is that more male characters are developed enough for us to become invested in period, and also because a lot of these men are "perfect" in some way (and often androgynous or conventionally "pretty") and unattainable. It's a safe way for lesbians to explore and indulge in our feelings about men, especially as people who don't actually want to have sex with them.

Also -- and this next part is a little different but it continues to reaffirm my identity, so I'm going to say it -- gay men are stereotyped to have crushes on famous women all the time! Judy Garland, Lady Gaga, Beyoncé, the list goes on. And nobody ever questions their sexuality for it.

Also also, to add to that, there is a very specific kind of man that I've noticed lesbians just flock to. All of the white men on CW shows specifically, but there are definitely others. I remember being in the Supernatural groups on LiveJournal and being absolutely surrounded by lesbians (especially in the Sam groups... oh my god, for some reason, lesbians just adore Sam).

1 hour ago, MaiMai said:

I (think) I identify as asexual, but I don't really know. I've always just shyed away from the entire thing, and it makes me anxious even thinking about it, soo... *shrugs*

This is totally fine! If you're not ready to explore that part of yourself, don't ever let anybody force you into it. You might be asexual, you might be bi, you might be gay -- there's no way anyone but you could know. I love talking about this sort of thing, so if you ever want to discuss it or compare experiences, you know where to find me!

Edited August 12, 2017 by Sen Beret
i thought of another thing to add! can you tell how much research i've done? lol!!

[EmeraldThread]

The beginning of your post resonated so much with me because it's so similar to the thought process I went through over several years. I started questioning my sexuality in my first year of high school, and my progression kind of went like:

"I'm straight because I have only ever been attracted to boys, but maybe I'm weird because I've only ever had two crushes on anyone in my entire life."

"I find girls visually attractive, and I only check them out because I'm comparing myself to them."

"I think sometimes about being with another girl, but...never mind, don't think about that."

"....I'm attracted to a girl for real and I am not straight."

It took me a while to figure out how I identify, but I think demisexual is the closest thing. I'm rarely attracted to anyone in any way, and I really feel people out before I talk to them or decide I want to get closer to them, whether it be as a friend or significant other. I thought I was asexual for a long time because the idea of having sex with men just disgusted me, and there were other personal factors that played a part in that thinking. So it was only when I met my current girlfriend through this forum that I was like wow...I'm actually thinking of kissing a girl...and the thought of having sex with HER isn't repulsive. Since we've been together, I've been a lot more accepting of my sexuality, and helped her accept hers as well.

Lately I've been thinking more about my gender identity, too. Like, at this point, I don't care that much how people refer to me. I feel pretty neutral and I don't identify super strongly as female (though I go by she/her pronouns because it's easy and it genuinely doesn't bother me), and I never have, but it never occurred to me that I could be anything else, because I've never considered myself male either. I just really don't see it as a big issue for me personally, so my identity is more a curiosity to me right now and I'm trying to understand myself in a lot of ways right now. I don't know, I find this really difficult to explain, because I've only started thinking about it over the past year or so, where I've been uncomfortable when people refer to me by feminine prefixes (miss, ms., ma'am) or when people call me a lady or a woman. I thought for a long time that it was just because I've never gotten used to the idea of "being an adult" but now I'm not sure. And yet, being unsure doesn't bother me all too much at the moment either, so I'm taking my time in learning about that part of myself.

Also, even though I now find myself primarily attracted to women, I still find men attractive in certain ways, but maybe it's more a case of "I can recognize an attractive human when I see one." I'm still attracted to male sneezes in fiction and once in a while I can appreciate a good irl dude sneeze but my irl preferences are very selective as it is. So I'm not sure where the attraction to fictional guys comes from. When you brought up the point of internalized homophobia, that really made me think, because I'm sure I have some of that. I'd just never considered I could still have it toward myself because I have gotten to be so accepting of how varied sexuality can be. It definitely played a part in my high school/early-mid college years, though. I was always supportive of my friends who are lgbtq, but when it came to me questioning myself and then being definitely attracted to another girl, I was not accepting of that at all because of that internalized homophobia and because now all the problems other people faced were now my problems, too.

This is such a great topic to bring up, btw (enough to make me come out of forum inactivity to respond to it), and it's something I don't think a lot of people think about it as a possibility. Like having internalized homophobia/transphobia even though you're accepting of your own sexuality. Tbh this is really interesting to me and it's awesome that you're getting this kind of conversation going.

[Sawyer]

8 minutes ago, EmeraldThread said:

I've been uncomfortable when people refer to me by feminine prefixes (miss, ms., ma'am) or when people call me a lady or a woman.

I feel this, too! Like you, I used to think that I was just uncomfortable being referred to as an adult and I'd grow into being comfortable with those labels, but I've been living on my own for 5 years and I feel like an adult, but I know I'm not a woman or a lady or a miss. However, on the other side of the coin, there is something called cis by default, which is when one identifies with their birth gender "by default" versus strongly identifying with it. There are a lot of people who think they're trans because they're cis by default and understand that gender is all made up anyway, and there are also nonbinary people who dis-identify strongly with their birth gender. It can go a lot of ways for sure, and it's cool that it's something you're starting to think about! Whether you end up identifying as trans later on or not, you'll have gotten to know yourself a little better.

On the point of internalized homophobia you brought up: I got a degree in LGBT studies while I thinking I was straight and cis. I studied and studied and advocated and studied some more, and my own transness and gayness didn't click for me until years after. Funny how we can be such massive blind spots to ourselves when it comes to things like this.

[MysteryGirl]

6 hours ago, Chanel_no5 said:

Anyway. I do find men goodlooking at times, as long as they’re wearing clothes. I am immediately put off by a man without clothes, or with very little clothes.

 

22 hours ago, Sen Beret said:

thought that masturbating to women sneezing was a completely separate part of my sexuality, and that it meant I could still be straight

Both of these currently apply to me. I've done a seperate post in the Youth Board on this, and am pretty confused right now. Chanel's comment is right on the mark with me, most of my friends would say 'look at his abs, they're HAWT', and I just don't see it. In the physical sense I guess I'm more interested in the female figure? I don't even know, ugh. I would also kiss either girls or guys, I think both are preferable to me.

As for the masturbation to female sneezing, I'm not sure that it's part of my sexuality, but I find myself "getting off/mastrubating" (is that weird to say?) to females much more than males sneezing nowadays. Male sneezing still interests me, but more so in real life than in wavs. I feel that I would enjoy a female sneezing more than a male overall, but I'm not sure? 

I currently also identify as a straight cis (im sure about being cis) girl, yet confused still.

Edited August 12, 2017 by MysteryGirl

[MaiMai]

16 hours ago, Sen Beret said:

I remember being in the Supernatural groups on LiveJournal and being absolutely surrounded by lesbians (especially in the Sam groups... oh my god, for some reason, lesbians just adore Sam).

Oh my gosh, it's me!

Seriously though, thank you so much for explaining all this to me so thoroughly! It's honestly not something I ever knew about, and it's making a heck of a lot of sense in terms of my own sexuality. I've definitely got a bunch of crushes on fictional males, but I really struggle to imagine myself ever in a relationship with a male in real life.

And I'm totally up to chat about this kinda stuff if you ever want to! <3

[murphy dee]

Ever since someone very close to me came out as bi a couple years ago I've had this little voice in the back of my head asking myself if I'm bi as well. And I honestly have no idea. I've always considered myself straight but I definitely do watch and get off to solo women/lesbian content, probably more often than I get off to porn involving men. I've always thought that it's just because I have the same anatomy as the women in the videos so I can imagine what it feels like. I'm really unsure actually if that's true or if it's the women themselves that I'm attracted to. I've definitely been curious about what it might be like to be with another woman sexually, and if I weren't in a monogamous relationship I'd be down to try, but having an actual relationship with a woman outside of sex doesn't interest me in the slightest. I also don't find fetish material involving women appealing in any context.

This is such a good topic and it's really got me thinking. It's always good to sort of sit back and examine stuff about yourself you've always just assumed to be true.