I'm feeling conflicted over a recent breakup

[ilikesneezes2000]

So for a little background info, I have never had much luck with dating. Back in senior year of high school (around 2005-2006) I "dated" a girl for about two weeks and then she dumped me over MySpace saying something like "we had drifted apart" if I remember right. 

Maybe a couple months after that I was into someone new, and we "dated" for maybe a month if I remember right, and she also dumped me over MySpace for kind of a similar reason as the other one. 

Since then I've had almost no luck. I admit a lot of that is on me. I can be hesitant. I'm definitely picky. It just seems like most of the time when I'd ask a girl out (like just on a casual movie or dinner date) I would get rejected. Or I'd have to hear about how a girl I asked out talked badly about me behind my back, flirted with me for a few days then randomly stop talking to me etc. etc.... all stuff that didn't exactly do wonders for my self confidence. 

You know what the worst part is? I always thought I was pretty great. Sure, there are things I could (and should) improve on, but nothing that I don't see other guys in relationships dealing with. 

One of the biggest blows was last year, there was this girl I was really into, and I thought she was into me. We spent a lot of time together (even stuff like seeing Star Wars The Force Awakens together at 2am! lol) and it just seemed like we were clicking. So I finally just came out and told her I liked her and.. of course.. she didn't feel the same way. She said she "had a lot of stuff going on" and still had some ex-boyfriends hanging around or something. So that sucked.

Then a little over a year later (now we're in the present) I developed feelings for someone else. I've known her for a couple years, but only recently started seeing her as a potential relationship. Back in June I started really talking to her and eventually we made plans to see Wonder Woman together, which was great. After we saw that, she texted me when she got home and was like "definitely let me know when you're free again so we can do something" so I'm like "wow maybe this one actually likes me back". It seemed like we really clicked  and everything. Later that week I saw her again, we just went out for a mall trip. Day after that I brought her over to my friends' house and we had a good time just watching movies and playing card games, day after that I took her out to eat.

So now I'm like "ok, don't fuck this one up. Tell her you like her instead of waiting too long like you always do" and at the start of my vacation (this was the day after Father's Day) we hung out at my place, watched the Lego Movie AND the Lego Batman Movie lol and I walked her out to her car and just came out and said I liked her. And to my surprise, she said she felt the same way! In my whole life, this has pretty much never happened. It was great timing too because I had just started my vacation, so I didn't have to worry about work or anything. I really felt like she was perfect for me. She's gorgeous, super geeky (the next day we saw the new Transformers together), kind, a hard worker, got along well with my friends. She even liked the fact that I hadn't really dated much prior to her. Also she's a really good kisser... she's actually the first girl I ever made out with (and she said I was good lol and that she didn't even expect I hadn't done that before).

And for the first month things were awesome. We spent almost every day together that first week (when I was on vacation). After that, we saw each other fairly often, our work schedules permitting. We'd have fun movie nights and passionate makeout sessions. She would tell me how lucky she is to be with me. She even told me about her past relationships and it seemed like she dated some really fucked up people. I told her I wasn't like that (which I'm not, I don't believe in physically abusing people or being really controlling). 

Of course we had our disagreements here and there, I messed up a couple times just because of stupid lack of communication. But I apologized of course and we talked things through. So I thought things were ok. But then about a month ago (in August, to the day, almost) she texted me after I got home from work saying that she had been doing a lot of thinking, and between some recent deaths, and crazy days at work she "had a lot going on and didn't want to be in a relationship because it wasn't fair to me", which has obviously left me feeling pretty heartbroken. 

I'm conflicted because I don't know whether I should try getting her back. I'd LOVE to still be with her but I feel like she wouldn't have said that if she didn't mean it, so why bother? And I feel bad for the times I did hurt her (from the miscommunications, which we did talk about and [I thought] we worked through) but I'm also really angry because it's like, after the passionate nights we had, all the times she said how happy she was with me, how could she just end things like that? 

Then I'm like "well do I miss her because I fell for her so fast and I haven't had much luck with women? Or do I genuinely REALLY like her?" The whole thing has left me feeling so conflicted and torn up inside and it's eating away at me. And I feel even more stupid because it's all from a month-and-a-half relationship and I'm almost 30 fucking years old. So I dunno. Thanks for reading, those who did. I'd appreciate any insight or anything. 

[SneezyHolmes]

It honestly sounds like she has things going and doesn't want/need the additional stress of keeping up a healthy dating relationship. Personally, I'd give her the space and not try to 'force' a relationship back on her (Even if it's unintentional but trying to get her back will more than likely come off as this to her.). If she wants to pick things back up later down the road when her life is less hectic then awesome, if not then it really is best to move on/let things go. I ain't trying to sound harsh or anything, just offering advice based on personal experiences. 

[facet]

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[March Hare]

Do you know Doctor Nerdlove? Because this sounds like it would be right up his avenue.

doctornerdlove dot com will give you lots of useful information and support.

[ilikesneezes2000]

^ I'll check into that haha. 

But yeah I think the most difficult thing about this for me is the way it ended. I feel like if we were together longer and things sort of fizzled out, or if we had some kind of big fight and were like "we're not right for each other" I'd be able to just be like "ok, that was a bad match but I'll have to be more careful"

But I just loved all the time we spent together and everything really felt like it clicked into place. Of course that's probably just me being a little over enthusiastic because this was my first "big boy relationship" lol. 

We've talked a bit since (a text here and there, sharing Facebook posts) so it's not like I completely cut her out of my life. 

[March Hare]

On 18-9-2017 at 6:15 PM, ilikesneezes2000 said:

^ I'll check into that haha. 

I really can't recommend it enough. The guy is sympathetic, he's understanding, he's wise, and he tells it like it is.

On 18-9-2017 at 6:15 PM, ilikesneezes2000 said:

But I just loved all the time we spent together and everything really felt like it clicked into place. 

SHYEAH do I know how you feel, man. But that's really the dirtiest, meanest old trick your brain can play on you, and the veriest proof that being in love is a form of psychosis. I'm not making that up. It really is, although I can't cite my source atm. 

Seriously, being in love fucks with your sense of reality. Take it from one who knows. And being in love with someone who doesn't return your feelings? SEVEN HELLS. 

But it passes. Trust me. This too shall pass. 

[ilikesneezes2000]

Just an update, turns out she started seeing someone about a month after she dumped me, which is what’s messed me up the most. Like, fine if you didn’t want to be in a relationship, but now it’s like, oh... she didn’t want to be in a relationship with *me*. At least with that other girl I liked who turned me down for the “I have a lot going on” reason, she didn’t start dating someone (at least that I know of lol).

And it’s just opened up a whole floodgate of negative thoughts. Like, how long has she been interested in this other guy? At what point in the short time we were together did she say “I’ve made a mistake”? How much of what we had was genuine?

It just sucks because this isn’t an anomaly... this is business as usual for me. I know I’ll get over it in time, and I’d love to move on... it’s just difficult for me to even meet people in the first place lol. 

[March Hare]

Yeah, dude, this is a learning opportunity right here. You know what? It really isn't an anomaly. For anyone. Ever.

You fall for someone HARD, and they don't fall for you. Or they do, but not as hard. Or they do, and then it passes. Have you, yourself, never had a crush that just fizzled out?

Your negative thoughts lie. They are lies. You know that, yes? If not, keep telling yourself that they are until you believe it. 

And yes, YES, it sucks ALL THE FRIGGIN BALLS. You're allowed to feel absolutely awful about how awesome this girl is and how she doesn't want to be with you... as long as you realise that that is ALL. She's awesome and she doesn't want to be with you. All the rest is irrelevant. 

 

[sickprincess]

My advice? Don't over think it. It sucks, trust me, I get it. But it has nothing to do with you, or her. Sometimes the feelings just aren't mutual, and there's nothing either of you can do about that. 

This happens to all of us, trust me. I've been on both ends of this many times. Just focus on yourself for now!

[ilikesneezes2000]

Thanks, guys. It’s just been a tough couple of months. 

I just feel like I’m getting older and these things that are issues for me shouldn’t BE issues for me. And that I haven’t really found my “place” in life. This situation just went from making me feel like things were going pretty right into going pretty wrong in such a short amount of time. 

[ilikesneezes2000]

She texted me the other night saying “Hey are you ok? I just saw a bunch of cops, fire trucks and ambulances go by your direction”

Which I thought was kind of odd. I mean on the one hand I guess it was nice she was concerned? But on the other hand, we haven’t really spoken much, and the last time I tried to reach out to her about what happened between us, she completely ignored me. 

I did reply saying that everything was fine and that I was ok and she didn’t respond to that so.. I dunno lol just thought it was kind of strange. 

[sickprincess]

Maybe she has anxiety? I get horrible anxiety that something is going to happen to people I know, and sometimes the only way to relieve it is to physically find out if they are okay. That's just one possibility though

[ilikesneezes2000]

No idea. If she does, she never brought it up to me. She could’ve at least been like “oh ok good, I’m glad” or something in response lol.