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Evil Weevils (Rimmer, Red Dwarf)


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The title rhymes. Fight me ;)

Rimmer is allergic to something in the air-vents. Lister shares a room with him. 

So I wrote this a year ago and never posted it… This is based on the British sci-fi sitcom Red Dwarf, which I’m imagining won’t be hugely popular here, so here’s a smidge of exposition if you don’t know it:

Set in the very distant future in space, there are four inhabitants of a mining vessel whose crew was almost entirely wiped out in a radiation leak 3 million years ago. The lone survivor was Dave Lister, who was in stasis at the time. Dave is a total slob, but has moral courage. The ship computer created a hologram of Arnold Rimmer, Dave’s deceased bunkmate, to keep him sane. He’s a cowardly, selfish, pompous toss-pot with delusions of grandeur, and despite being dead, is to all intents and purposes alive (also his massive nostrils are a running joke on the show, so …). The third character referenced in this fic is Kryten, who is, simply put, a cleaning android who Lister helped break his programming to gain something approaching free will and human emotion. Also, “smeg” is used as a sort of catch-all swear word in the show. Beating the watershed while aiming for a futuristic vibe, I guess. This concludes our exposition, folks. Hope you enjoy!


-- fic begins --


Dave groaned and rolled over in his bunk.





“Guh. What?”

“Get. Your smegging. Allergy shot!”

“N – ashoo, huhh … h, ashoo – o, Lister!”

“I can’t smegging sleep with you sneezing all night!”

“Oh, I’m so sorry – sniffff – it must be so hard for you.”

Dave dropped down from his bunk, giving up on rest, and took in the pitiful sight that was second technician Arnold Rimmer, surrounded by tissues, huge red nostrils flared, blinking irritated tears from his glaring eyes.

“You’re smegging ridiculous, man! You’re a total mess and you won’t take any medicine.”

“I’m not trusting anything that medi-bot gives me! It’s had it in for me ever since I threatened to fire it for addressing me as Captain Nasal Hair-Trimmer.”

“You can’t fire the medi-bot!”

“I know! That’s why this whole grudge is so stupid, I was clearly bluffing, if there was any derelict with compatible s … software to replace him I’d have done it lightyears ago.”

“You need to start being nicer to the machines, Rimmer. There’re only four crew members, and you’ve still managed to get yourself an enemy on every deck.”

“Tha – tha …” Rimmer held up a finger to signal to wait, and Dave sighed. They had discovered an infestation of space-weevil in the air ducts two days ago, and of course Rimmer had managed not only to be allergic to their faeces (not that Dave was particularly thrilled about breathing that in himself), but to the Weevil-Away Kryten had poured into the ventilation shafts.

“Th – tha that – ASHEWW. Ughh! I shouldn’t need to worry about being nice to machines, I’m already spending all my energy being nice to you lot.”

“You sure?”

Dave got up and walked towards the ventilation grate under the pretence of getting something to eat. As he bent down to look into the mini-fridge, he twiddled the dial, increasing the air-flow. Rimmer was going to realise he needed help, and he was going to get a smegging good night’s rest, if it killed him.

“Y – yuh … ASHEWW. You don’t realise how lucky you are, re – huhtishoo – really. I’m your superior, and yet I let you share living quarters with me, I – ASHEWW – fraternise with you freely, huhtishoo, oh smeg – I even let you eat your smegging curry three times a day.”

“Rimmer, you couldn’t stop me from eating curry if you tried. And I’m not really relishing the privilege of your presence at the moment. You look like that GELF Kryten dated.”

“Ahtishoo. It’s not my – ahtishoo – sm – ahtishoo! smegging fault! Ugh, I’m sure it’s getting worse, I’ll have to tell K … ahtishoo … Kryten to clean the Weevil-Away out of the shafts.”

“You can’t, Rimmer, if we don’t get rid of the weevils we could be suffocating in a few months. Just get your smegging allergy shot!”

No, Lister!”

“Look, if you’re that worried, the medi-bot likes me, I’ll tell him I have allergies and you can take whatever he gives me.”

“I don’t – HUHchoo – want it!”

“Rimmer what the smeg is your problem?”

“I’m – I’m scared of needles, ok?”

Dave stared in surprise. Rimmer had his knees up defensively to his chest, and was fixing him with what he assumed would have been a challenging glare if it wasn’t for the watery eyes and constantly twitching face.

“You – wha?”

“Yes! I’m scared of everything. My cowardice knows no bounds. H … huhchoo … happy?”

“No, I …” Dave sighed and went to turn the ventilator down, feeling like a bit of a smeghead. He was no stranger to irrational fears, and he winced to think how long he’d been pressuring Rimmer into something that seemed so straightforward to him. “Well, why don’t you take pills then? They do allergy stuff in pill form, right?”

“Are you kidding?” Rimmer dried his eyes and fixed Dave with an incredulous stare. “Pills? In this millennia? Why take pills several times daily when you can solve everything with one injection and nano-medicine? I’d never find any.”

“Maybe not, but if you ask Kryten I’m sure he could make some up – destabilise and reform the molecular structure of the shot with the wibbly thing or something.”

“If only this ship could run on bio-fuel, we’d have enough of your bullshit to get us to Earth by Christmas.”

“You know what I mean, smart-arse. Why didn’t you ask him?”

“I –“ Rimmer sighed, and his breath hitched – “huh – uh – uhh … ASHoo. Christ. I knew you’d rib me if you found out, and –“ he paused, and looked up, puzzled. “Why aren’t you ribbing me for it, actually?”

Dave shrugged.

“You don’t like sharp pointy things, I don’t like small spaces. Seems fair. And anyway, man, this has gone way too far. You’ve put yourself through hell for two days to avoid social embarrassment.”

“See, now you’re ribbing me for not telling you! I can’t win!”

“Not with that brain, ya smeghead,” sighed Dave, walking off to find Kryten.

-- fic ends --

Thanks for reading! Do let me know what you thought :)

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Oh Rimmer, you never learn. I love those weirdos stuck in space. :D  Thank you for making me grin like an idiot reading this. 

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4 hours ago, TheCakeIsAlive said:

Oh Rimmer, you never learn. I love those weirdos stuck in space. :D  Thank you for making me grin like an idiot reading this. 

Glad you had fun ^_^

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