Midgard Sucks (MCU, Loki).

[warminside]

No Ragnarok spoilers! Thor tries to introduce his brother to the wonders of the Midgardian countryside. It goes poorly, Loki gets poorly, Tony gets his evening’s entertainment.

This is set in the lovely universe that propagates the fandom where all favourite characters somehow live in harmony in Avengers Tower. Lbr, y’all know this was a self-indulgent search for a scenario that leads to Loki being sneezy.

-- fic begins --

 

“Never again. Never, ever again.”

“Brother, you need to learn to appreciate Midgard’s beauty!”

“If I ever do, brother, it will be from the inside of a hermetically sealed capsule.”

“What’s up, lightning thieves?” Tony looked up from Happy’s latest paranoid schematics to regard the two brothers as they stormed in from the landing pad, Loki glowering furiously and Thor looking helpless and bemused.

“Your – accursed – planet!” Loki snarled, whirling off his cloak, which drifted down onto the couch as he stood seething, fists clenched. At least – until he tilted his head back, face quivering strangely, and raised one hand to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“Loki?” Thor asked tentatively, placing Mjolnir on the coffee table and reaching out a hand to his brother’s shoulder. Loki threw out his arm, waving him away, breathing erratically.

“Huh – eh – ah- ahchoo! ahchoo!”

Tony sniggered. He couldn’t help it – there was something comical about a person of such deluded grandeur losing all control.

“Bless you, brother.”

“Shut up,” Loki snarled, plucking a handkerchief from thin air and wiping his nose.

“It is a Midgardian custom –“

“- that became tired after the first twenty times!”

“Having a spot of bother there, pointy?”

Loki glared at Tony.

“Your sodding planet is attacking me.”

“Well, to be fair, you attacked it first,” he smirked.

“Har, har.”

“My brother has been sneezing since we set foot in a field to the west,” Thor interjected, brow furrowed in concern. “Are there any Midgardian infections that he might have contracted?“

“Hmm.” Tony stood up and walked closer to Loki, who regarded him warily. “Eyes stinging and watering? Nose running?” Loki scowled and tipped his head slightly.

“Oh, this is bad. We’ll have to keep you in quarantine. Any loved ones outside of this room I should call?”

Thor’s eyes widened, but Loki’s narrowed.

“Bullshit.”

“Yeah, ok. It’s just hay fever, princess. Don’t go rolling in any grass.”

“Hay fever?” Thor’s eyes hadn’t quite lost their look of panic. “There wasn’t any hay in the field, Stark are you sure –“

“It’s just an allergy, Thor, an allergy to pollen, some simple meds or enough time and he’ll be fine.”

“An allergy?” Loki snorted, an expression of disdain slightly ruined by the sound of a blocked nose. “You idiot, I’m hardly mortal, as if any fauna on your puny rock could – heh-“

“Hmm?” Tony said sweetly, holding Loki’s cloak bunched up under his nose. He could see a thin layer of pollen clinging to the strange fabric.

“Heh –“ It was really quite amusing, seeing that sharp, tightly controlled face twitch, the eyes half-close as Loki desperately tried to win his point. Tony blew softly.

“Heh - heh-choo. HEH-choo … ah … ahh … ah-choo!”

“You were saying?” Tony smirked.

“Do not tease him, Stark,” Thor admonished, sweeping the cloak out of his hands and throwing it to the side of the room. Tony chuckled as the small particles puffed up into the air, and Loki gave Thor a sharp punch to the arm before collapsing into a fit of high-pitched sneezes.

“Heh-choo! Heh-choo! Hih-choo! HIH-choo! Kgnxt! Kgnxt!”

He was pinching his nose now, sneezing into the cup of his hand, and, as Tony guided him by the elbow, dropped into the plush leather armchair, irritated tears appearing from under his tightly-shut eyelids.

Steve appeared at the door suddenly, drawn by the commotion.

“What’s going on?”

“Our pet demigod has hay fever,” Tony snorted, going to get some tissues from the coffee table – handkerchiefs were gross, magical or not. Loki thumped his fist on the arm of the chair in what might have been anger, but it was hard to tell as his sneezing became increasingly desperate.

“Kgxt … Heh-kgxt … Huh-kgnxt …”

As Tony approached he looked up through pink streaming eyes, and grasped for the tissues desperately. He clutched three to his nose at once, and let loose.

“AHCHOO! AHCHOO! ASHEWW! AASHEWW! AASHEWW!”

“Ah, hay fever,” Steve said knowledgeably, perching on the back of the sofa. “I know that drill. I was allergic to just about everything before the serum.” There was an unmistakable growl from the armchair this time, and Thor put a hand on his brother’s shaking shoulder that was immediately shrugged off.

“He’s not saying you are weak, brother,” Thor boomed. “Merely normal.” Suddenly he yelped as a small lizard appeared, biting his finger.

“Okay, okay, let’s everyone take a step back,” Tony said, spreading his hands placatingly. He had noticed that the tops of Loki’s ears had gone very pink, and was starting to feel slightly bad for the huddled figure alternating between hitching breaths and harsh sneezes. “Steve, your words of wisdom are greatly appreciated, but I think we’ve got everything under control here.” Steve raised his eyebrows slightly at Tony’s tone, but hopped back to the floor nonetheless and strolled out of the room.

“Thor –“ Tony sighed as he saw his friend sucking on his finger, alternating a look of betrayal between his brother and the small reptile he’d flung at the wall. “Thor, I’m sure you can continue Loki’s Planet Earth crash course at a later date, but I think sibling play-time is over now.” Thor frowned.

“Stark, if you think I am leaving my brother in this weakened state –“ He cried out in pain as a much larger reptile appeared and sank its teeth into his ankle.

“Weakened, clearly,” Tony cried out, exasperated. “Go and get a tetanus shot, and take the creature from the black lagoon with you, I don’t want to see what those claws do to a Turkish rug.” Thor finally left, shooting Tony a look of suspicion and Loki’s huddled form one of concern before closing the door behind him.

“Right.” Tony surveyed Loki, who was hunched over, barely able to catch his breath he was sneezing so rapidly.

“Heh-choo, hahh-choo, hh… heh-choo, hachoo – guh, damn i – ihh… ihhEEshoo –“

“Alright, Rudolph.” With deft fingers, while Loki was too busy waiting for a sneeze to stop him, Tony removed his jacket and placed it next to his cloak. “Jarvis, air purifier up to 80% in here, please, and boil some water.” He fetched the bin from the corner, and placed it next to Loki to hold discarded tissues. “Jeez, you never do anything by halves, do you. Do you always have to be so dramatic? Does it run in the family?”

“We’re s- sitting – heh – ichoo – in a t-tower that used to ha-hah- hahchoo – have your name on it,” Loki said snappishly.

“And birds of a feather,” Tony replied easily, collecting the boiled kettle and pouring the water into a bowl. He grabbed a tea-towel and headed back to Loki. “Right. Bend your head over this, and I’ll put the towel over your head.” Loki stared at him incredulously.

“Stark, you know I have much bigger lizards in my arsenal. Fire-breathing ones.” Tony rolled his eyes.

“It’ll clear your sinuses, numbnuts. The pollen should be out of the air soon, but you’ve probably got half the field up your nose. If I really wanted to make you look like an idiot, I’d leave you here as a modern-day interpretation of Walt Disney’s Sneezy.”

“Y- you know – a­tishoo – I don’t know what – ahh … what you’re – hehhchoo­ – talking about,” Loki said, glowering, but pink spots had appeared on his cheeks.

“Sure you do. Or, if you don’t, maybe you better learn. More culturally important than some dumb field in the middle of August, that’s for sure. Tell you what, you rest up, I’ll queue Snow White. Come to think of it, it’s about time people around here got a lesson in appreciating my enormous wit.” Tony thought Loki would probably have rolled his eyes, but the gesture was thwarted as he closed them again to stave off another sneeze.

“Huh … heh-choo!”

Unsuccessful, he blew his nose, then, without catching Tony’s eye, bent over the bowl of steaming water. The towel lifted up into the air and draped itself over him. Tony rolled his eyes, and found Snow White on the menu of the huge television.

“Right, angel-face, let’s see if you can guess which one is you.”

-- fic ends –

If you liked this, please leave a review! No wonder I’ve got Loki on the brain, wasn’t Ragnarok great?
 I hope there aren’t any typos, because I learnt today after posting a fic with dodgy paragraph spacing that I’m not allowed to edit my own works until I’ve been verified, cry cry. That’ll teach me to triple proof-read 

 

[AngelEyes]

This is fantastic! Allergic!Loki is beautiful! And the snark you've got going on is perfect. I love it!

[warminside]

22 hours ago, AngelEyes said:

This is fantastic! Allergic!Loki is beautiful! And the snark you've got going on is perfect. I love it!

Aw, thank you so much  honestly I could write him all day, hope Infinity War will provide more inspo 

[ALilSneezy]

I don't know how you did it, but this is amazing! I'm absolutely in love with Loki, and have been since Thor 1, and you do a great job sticking to the characters. Tony especially could've stepped straight out of the movie. I'd love to read more if you're feeling generous! 😉

[Prongs]

I love it! Super in character, and I love allergies and I love Loki so it's a win win. 

[Jelloicious]

On 12/12/2017 at 6:47 PM, warminside said:

 

“Right, angel-face, let’s see if you can guess which one is you.”

 

Oh my goodness, I might have spit out my drink on that...

[RemedyBane]

I love this! I really like how Tony was helping loki out! great job!  I think its annoying that you cannot edit your stuff after you post, too! I hate looking over my writing later and seeing the typos lol.   loki is my favorite  my poor baby

 

[Medowsweet]

I am going through a "Loki in a weakened condition heart-drool thing right now.... Then I thought, "OOOH!  I KNOW WHERE I'LL FIND THAT!! SFF!" and you did NOT disappoint!