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We Are Only Puppets (A celebration of all the recent new Torchwood stories here)


Jelloicious

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Crackfic.  Not an available tag, but maybe should be....

All the recent Torchwood  fun got me thinking and this happened:

TWTWTWTWTW

Ianto Jones entered the Torchwood Three conference room bearing a tray, laden with mugs of fresh coffee and placed it carefully in the center of the table. Gwen Cooper and Toshiko Sato were already there, and Gwen greeted him with a cheery, call of “’Morning, Love!’ as she found her mug and drew it to her lips, eyes closing as she savored her rich, perfectly brewed coffee.

Ianto turned, and muffled a sneeze into a handkerchief before responding in a somewhat less cheery, heavily nasal tone. “Morning.”

“Aww, bless you!” Gwen was expressively concerned. “You’re not coming down with another cold, are you?”

Ianto sniffed morosely. “It would seem,... k’shew! ....that I am.” He took a seat at the far end of the table and pulled his own mug toward him, cradling it in his hands as if huddling for the warmth it gave off.

“Poor dear!” Gwen clucked. You’ve barely had a chance to get over the last one!”

Ianto sniffed. “Oh really? I hadn’t noticed.”

“You should talk to Owen,“ Tosh said, with concern. “You really have had a bit of a rough winter, sneezing and sniffling almost non-stop.”

Ianto blew his nose wetly. “I have, actually. Spoken to Owen, I mean,” he said, dabbing at his nose. “He says it’s not normal, but that there’s….nothing...he can….Arrrashooooo!!! do.”

Ianto gave another wet blow, another sneeze and sniffed again.

He shrugged. “Apparently, I am just going to have to wait it all out.” He took a sip of coffee, wincing slightly as the hot liquid hit his sore throat.

“Well, Spring is just around the corner, maybe a change in the weather will help,” Gwen offered, optimistically.

Ianto rolled his eyes heavenward, and then closed them, almost as if taking a moment to offer up a silent prayer. “No, I’m pretty sure Springtime isn’t going to help. At all.” He sneezed again, sniffed wetly and muttered darkly under his breath, “Nope, pretty sure Spring is just going to make it worse.”

Gwen looked at Ianto, confused. “I don’t understand….if it’s a medical issue...” she waited politely for Ianto to sneeze mightily again, three times in a row, before continuing. “...surely there is something Owen can do to help.”

“That’s the problem,” Ianto paused to blow his nose wetly into his increasingly sodden handkerchief. “It’s not...K’sheww!!!... medical. Not really.” He sniffed.

“Well, what is it then?” Tosh asked, not following.

“Ianto is a ‘Woobie’” Owen cut in as he sauntered into the conference room, reached over and took his cup of coffee. “That’s his problem. Are there any pastries?”

Gwen was even more confused. “I don’t think I follow….”

Tosh protested. “Ianto is NOT a Woobie... If anything, he’s a BAMF!”

“Thanks, Tosh,” Ianto offered from behind his handkerchief, and felt himself blush slightly at the compliment.

“What’s a ‘Woobie’? Gwen asked, totally lost now.

“A ‘Woobie’,” Owen explained, “Is a character that makes you feel sorry for them. Makes everyone say, ‘aww you poor thing! Shall I make you tea?’ “ Owen’s  terrible attempt at a Welsh accent, and falsetto impersonation of Gwen was cringeworthy and funny all at the same time. “The Woobie is a favorite target of h/c fanfic. In fact, I am pretty sure if you were to look up Woobie on the interwebs, Ianto’s picture would be there.”

“Ha. Very fuddy. Cad we please stop talkig about me, dow?” Ianto pleaded, looking toward the conference room door in desperate hope that Jack was on his way in to announce an alien invasion, and get everyone back on track. He sniffed, and rubbed at his reddened nose.

Owen gave Gwen a pointed look.

“No, wait, yeah, I see it now….Ianto, dear, can I get you anything? A blanket, maybe? You look chilled.”

Tosh made some undefinable noise, but when Ianto looked at her for help or in complete exasperation (he wasn’t sure which) she was intently studying her coffee mug.

“That won’t be necessary,” Ianto sniffed, in clipped tones.

“So what’s a….BAMF, did you say, Tosh?” Gwen asked. Genuinely curious.

Jack must have been waiting for the cue, because he entered, the conference room, and announced, “Captain Jack Harkness, at your service,” and took a sweeping bow.

“No, Jack, I was referring to Ianto!” Tosh said, giggling now.

Jack frowned. Then grinned, smugly. “I am pretty sure you meant to say ‘BAJF’ if you are speaking of Ianto.”

“Kill me now!” Owen exclaimed, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, as if that would erase the mental image.

Ianto just buried another couple of sneezes in his handkerchief.

“Aww, Ianto, you sound terrible! You’re not sick again, are you?” Jack said, turning his attention to his young lover. “Can I get you some tea?”

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2 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

Jack frowned. Then grinned, smugly. “I am pretty sure you meant to say ‘BAJF’ if you are speaking of Ianto.”

Ohhhhh no, you didn't.... oh yes, you did! :naughty::clapping:

 

2 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

“A ‘Woobie’,” Owen explained, “Is a character that makes you feel sorry for them. Makes everyone say, ‘aww you poor thing! Shall I make you tea?’ “ Owen’s  terrible attempt at a Welsh accent, and falsetto impersonation of Gwen was cringeworthy and funny all at the same time. “The Woobie is a favorite target of h/c fanfic. In fact, I am pretty sure if you were to look up Woobie on the interwebs, Ianto’s picture would be there.”

“Ha. Very fuddy. Cad we please stop talkig about me, dow?” Ianto pleaded, looking toward the conference room door in desperate hope that Jack was on his way in to get everyone back on track. He sniffed, and rubbed at his reddened nose.

Owen gave Gwen a pointed look.

“No, wait, yeah, I see it now….Ianto, dear, can I get you anything? A blanket, maybe? You look chilled.”

That part cracked me up, I could literally see the gears in Gwen's brain switching into caretaking mode :lmfao:And I loved how the end connected back to this idea! :)

This was such a fun read, thank you for sharing! Torchwood crackfic :heart:

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:rofl::rofl::rofl:

3 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

Jack frowned. Then grinned, smugly. “I am pretty sure you meant to say ‘BAJF’ if you are speaking of Ianto.”

Jack Harkness! I am...not at all surprised, actually. :twisted: 

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OMG! This is Epic! Priceless!

5 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

Ianto sniffed. “Oh really? I hadn’t noticed.”

Awwww

 

5 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

Ianto rolled his eyes heavenward, and then closed them, almost as if taking a moment to offer up a silent prayer. “No, I’m pretty sure Springtime isn’t going to help. At all.” He sneezed again, sniffed wetly and muttered darkly under his breath, “Nope, pretty sure Spring is just going to make it worse.”

*Grin*

 

5 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

“Ianto is a ‘Woobie’” Owen cut in as he entered the conference room, reached over and took his cup of coffee. “That’s his problem. Are there any pastries?”

LOL. I love that this comes from Owen. Who then just goes on to pastries.

 

5 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

Jack must have been waiting for the cue, because he entered, the conference room, and announced, “Captain Jack Harkness, at your service,” and took a sweeping bow.

Totally Jack!

 

5 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

Jack frowned. Then grinned, smugly. “I am pretty sure you meant to say ‘BAJF’ if you are speaking of Ianto.”

The Best!

 

5 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

“Aww, Ianto, you sound terrible! You’re not sick again, are you?” Jack said, turning his attention to his young lover. “Can I get you some tea?”

Awwww!

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14 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

“The Woobie is a favorite target of h/c fanfic. In fact, I am pretty sure if you were to look up Woobie on the interwebs, Ianto’s picture would be there.”

:grad: look at me, learnin' stuff. I am a bit new to fanfiction and had no idea. Thanks! And adorable story :)

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17 hours ago, Selene said:

Ohhhhh no, you didn't.... oh yes, you did! :naughty::clapping:

 

16 hours ago, MyOwnPrivateSFC said:

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Jack Harkness! I am...not at all surprised, actually. :twisted: 

What else would Jack (who lives in the space of BAMF) possibly say?

14 hours ago, AngelEyes said:

*Grin*

I see those wheels turning in your head....

14 hours ago, AngelEyes said:

LOL. I love that this comes from Owen. Who then just goes on to pastries.

Of course.  Diagnosis (not my problem) and...done.  

5 hours ago, ReidSeeker said:

 I am a bit new to fanfiction and had no idea. 

Fanfiction is where you fix everything canon got wrong.  Or take out the characters and explore them a bit more.  (Or, you know, make them sneeze).  It ranges in quality from "hot garbage" (love that phrase) to sublime.  

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5 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

Fanfiction is where you fix everything canon got wrong.  Or take out the characters and explore them a bit more.  (Or, you know, make them sneeze).  It ranges in quality from "hot garbage" (love that phrase) to sublime.  

Love this take on it! So true!

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