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Jack and the Rabbit (A.P. Bio) - Part 3


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I'm obsessed with this new show and I'm trying to avoid confronting my shitty life issues by writing a shitload of fanfic. Please enjoy the fruits of my labor. By the grace of God this may be a multi-parter.



When you're a teacher, the only feeling better than a Friday is the day before an extended weekend, which, in this case, happened to be a Thursday. Jack gave the kids projects to do over their four-day spring “break” - unrelated to biology, of course - but kept his own personal and professional agendas wide open. It was both exhilarating and anxiety provoking to have so much undesignated time ahead of him. He knew he'd probably end up writing for at least all of Saturday and Sunday, maybe bus over to a cooler city for a day or two, and at some point he did want to check out that gym down the street (the new one, not the crummy old one), but he didn't want to commit himself to any firm plans. The only thing he was knew for certain was how he was going to christen his time off.

There was a quarter ounce of marijuana waiting for him in his dead mother's apartment. She would have been mortified to know the devil's lettuce had crossed her threshold, and that her son allowed it to be brought into her home by “that bad influence” Bennie Peterson. But times were tough; Jack had limited options after losing his premium medical hookup at Harvard. Besides, Bennie was cool now, and he had a couple of guys delivering with him - sort of like an Uber for pot, a convenient service for someone who just lost his license. Obviously this didn't stop Jack from driving to work, but he didn't want to get pulled over without his license and a bag of marijuana in the passenger's seat.  He could only push it so far; there was a thin line between “admired former Harvard professor” and “menace to society.”

So he chose to have pot delivered to his place of residence instead of picking it up himself. After having a quick catch-up with Benny (he spelled it with a “y" these days, or so said his business card), Jack locked the door behind him, tossed the drugs onto the couch and returned to the sink to finish washing out his old bong. Unfortunately nobody around here seemed to want to expand beyond selling their leaves and twigs for cleaner burning oils, so he would have to settle for getting high the old fashioned way.

On Thursday, he spent the full class time with his students, informing them of his plans for the evening while also trying to discourage drug use. “Wait at least ten years, if you must try it,” he said. “Give your adolescent brains a chance to finish develop--oh!

He leapt up from his chair when the bell rang. “I almost lost track of time,” he exclaimed. “Have a great break, guys, but not too great. I need everyone to give this assignment 110%.”

He was on his way out the door, but then Sarika said, “Mr. Griffin!”

Freezing in the doorway, with one foot towards freedom, Jack turned reluctantly to look at one of his more annoying students. "Make it quick."

“It's your turn to take Mr. Herriman home with you.”

She was smiling. Jack didn't trust the look in her eyes. His eyes narrowed as he asked “Who’s mister…”

It was at that moment that Colin returned from the “bathroom” with his hall pass sitting on top of the cage in his arms. In that cage was something living.

“Oh good, you're still here,” Colin said, out of breath. “Usually you leave before the bell.”

He held the cage out to Jack, who took a step back as he turned to survey the rest of the class. They looked amused, like they had all planned this little stunt together. “What is this?” he said, taking another step away from Colin while squinting at the creature in the cage. “Is that a rabbit? Why do you have a rabbit? Your pass privileges are revoked, pal. Now get out of my way.”

“You're not leaving without Mr. Herriman,” said Anthony. “He's supposed to stay in the lab-"

“Shit, we have a lab?” Jack interjected, incredulous.

“Yes, we have a lab, and he stays there during the week, but we've all been taking him home on weekends. He gets so lonely in there; it's truly heartbreaking.”

“We took a vote, and this is your weekend to get acquainted with Mr. Herriman,” Sarika said with that same self-satisfied smile. “It doesn't seem fair that you don't pitch in."

“If we get busy work, so do you,” Marcus said.

This is not a democracy!” Jack exclaimed.

“It's a mutiny!” Colin shouted in reply, before apologizing to the rabbit for startling him.

“Colin is under strict instructions not to move until you take the rabbit,” Marcus said.

“Or,” Sarika said, "you could give us a real biology assignment for the long weekend, and one of us will take the rabbit.”

Jack had to laugh. Of course his students would demand a different assignment, instead of a work-free weekend. But he had meticulously planned out tasks for each of them that were crucial to the demise of his nemesis, Miles, and this break was the perfect opportunity to begin executing his plan.

He took a deep breath, preparing to shut this whole thing down once and for all, but was taken off guard when the inhale made his throat itch suddenly. The next breath came out in a sputtering cough; he played it off as a laugh. “Good one,” he huffed. “I've never taken care of an animal in my life, never will, and most certainly do not negotiate with teenage terrorists.”

“Looks like we're gonna be here a while,” Colin said, tilting his head for a glimpse at the clock above him.

“Maybe Principal Durbin would like to know about your weekend plans,” Sarika said, prompting some of the students to “ooh!” at the scandalous prospect of snitching on their teacher. “You might find yourself reporting for a 'random' drug test on Tuesday morning. Devin, how long does it take for marijuana to leave your system?"

Devin, who heretofore appeared aloof from the action as he scribbled on his notepad, tagged in. "Thirty days, give or take."

“You wouldn't dare," Jack said, his eyes never leaving the clock. Precious seconds ticked by, wasted. This little power struggle was cutting into his weekend, and being in this room was suddenly very bothersome to him. His eyes felt wet, but his throat was dry, as if he had actually spent the full class lecturing. Eager to retreat to the comfort of his own space, he grabbed the cage from Colin.

“Don't say I didn't warn you if the next time you see this fella is at his funeral,” he said, turning to give his students a parting glare as he backed out through the door.

The prospect of losing their class pet slash science experiment in an act of gross negligence didn't seem to phase any of his students. As they trickled out of the classroom, Jack made a few last ditch efforts to pawn the rabbit off on some of the weaker-willed among them, but nobody would budge. He decided to split before Principal Durbin came looking for him; he had asked him to come to his office after class, but Jack did not want to spend another second in this building. He didn't even stop to engage Helen, someone who surely must have loved small critters, in case she tried to drag him to Durbin. By some miracle he made it outside unnoticed, and nobody bothered him despite the spectacle of hoisting a cage across the parking lot.

The cage was too big to shove through any of his car doors; he had no choice but to ditch it in a parking space and plop the loose animal on the floor of the passenger side, making a nest around him with the trash in his car. By the time Jack had seated himself his eyes were so watery that he wasn't sure he'd be able to drive. Dabbing his eyes with his sleeve, he sniffled and glanced at his new companion, who watched him with eyes black and glassy like marbles, nose twitching furiously. Jack felt his own nose twitching, but it wasn't until his breath hitched that he turned away from the animal, sneezing out the irritation that had plagued him for last ten minutes.


As annoyed as he was, he had to admit he felt better physically. Grabbing an unused napkin from the trash heap, far from the rabbit and all the things it may have touched, Jack gave his nose a couple of swipes while he scanned the lot for onlookers. Sufficiently satisfied that he was alone, he gave his nose a light blow and tucked the napkin into an old plastic grocery bag. He pumped a hefty dose of hand sanitizer onto his palms and rubbed, stopping only to put the windows down for some fresh air to flood out the chemical smell. All the while, Mr. Harryballs continued to chill on his throne of litter, nose twitching away.

Jack pulled out of the lot once his hands were dry, putting the windows up and turning on the radio. He found himself smack dab in the middle of “Bennie and the Jets,” and remembering Benny, the one saving grace of this weekend, he decided he would honor his friend by calling the rabbit Bennie. Rabbits didn't really respond to their names anyway, did they? Besides, Mr. Herrison was stupid.

“Buckle up, Bennie boy,” he said. “We are going to find you a bunny sitter stat so Uncle Jack can enjoy his weekend alone…”

The rabbit stared back at him, ears flat against his fat, furry body, nose twitching in time with the music.

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Oh, wow! This is such a great start! I absolutely love the premise of Jack being almost forced to take the rabbit home. I hope there's more! Thankk you for the great start!!


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I haven't watched this yet but your stuff is always hot. I loved the "throne of litter" :rofl:

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OMG! I love this show! This is great! You have a great pace with it. I love the students throwing a mutiny and requesting new homework. So on point! Can't wait for more!

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Wow! This is a Fantastic start! The students requesting new work was such an accurate description. Hope there’s more soon^_^

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No idea what this fandom is, but wow, this story is off to a great start!!  Your imagery is fantastic!  Throne of trash---hahahha!  Love it!

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Oh my gosh everyone, thank you! I was not expecting such a positive response - or any response at all, really.  Thanks for taking the time to comment or even just read, and I hope you enjoy part two!

Disclaimer: I know nothing about springtime in Toledo. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Plus we all know that's not what's at play here anyway...



As soon as Jack got out of the car he dropped his keys on the ground. He closed the door behind him immediately, not wanting lose the rabbit on his first night. Leftover snow glimmered in his front yard, making his eyes water as he bent to retrieve his keys from the wet pavement. By the time he made his way around the car to get Bennie, his nose was starting to run. He wiped it with his sleeve and sniffled, but it was only a quick fix until he could get to an more sanitary option inside.

It seemed as if Bennie hadn't moved an inch, despite Jack's tendency to whip around corners; the little guy must have been wedged in there pretty good. Jack scooped the rabbit up in one arm, looping the handle of a tote bag around the wrist of the other. Of course now his nose was itchy again, and with both arms occupied, his only recourse was to crush his nose against his shoulder and hope for the best.

“hk’GDshhdambit,” he grumbled, shivering as he slamming the door with his foot.

Toledo springtime was the epitome of hell. It was too warm, too buggy, too bright, too loud, and worst of all, the air was poison. He thought maybe he'd outgrown his seasonal allergies, and since moving back he found that he had a very restricted response to the plants blooming around the yard. There were also some trees in the neighborhood that used to affect him, but he could never figure out which ones. These days they weren't bothersome enough to warrant the effort it would take to pinpoint the culprits.

Of course the area had seen quite a bit of snow. It would make sense that his allergies were acting up now that the Earth was finally starting to thaw. His own head felt like it was melting, the slow, maddening flow of liquid from his eyes and nose making the last few steps to his front door a most challenging journey. One arm still secured around the rabbit, Jack dropped the tote bag on the ground and fumbled for his keys with his free hand. His sight was so blurred he couldn't see the keyhole, and when he brought his wrist up to wipe his eyes he dropped the keys again. “Jesus Ch” he started, biting his lip to stop himself from finishing.

As he bent down for the keys another sneeze struck, propelling him into the storm door and causing him to drop the keys a third time. “Goddammit!” he exclaimed, bringing both hands up to clutch his head… and dropping Bennie in the process.

He realized what happened before he fully recovered from banging his head, so he was still very dizzy when he spun around to look for the animal. The yard had patches of bright snow, which made it difficult to distinguish from the white rabbit he just dropped, especially in his currently stunned state. “Come on, man, don't do this to me,” he whimpered, squinting through the pain and blinding sunlight. “Where'd you go?”

Jack did not want to start off his weekend watching his students’ pet get hit by a car or snatched from his yard by bird of prey. Ironically, Bennie nearly found his demise under the shoe of his temporary caretaker; he'd barely moved an inch from where he was dropped beside Jack. When Jack realized he was about to step on the creature he made himself fall backwards into the front door instead, nearly twisting his ankle in the process.

“You son of a bitch,” he muttered through clenched teeth, hoping this would conclude his string of curses and mishaps for the time being. He couldn't take anymore of this bad luck.

Grabbing Bennie carefully with shaking hands, he secured him in the crook of one arm before snatching up the keys with a grunt of annoyance. Once he got the door open Jack tossed the keys onto the floor as if to punish them before grabbing the tote bag and tossing that, too; he was way beyond caring whether the apples got bruised at this point. Jack didn't sneeze again until he was inside the apartment, with the door closed behind him and Bennie nestled safely in his arms. Without the neighborhood watching, he felt more comfortable entertaining a bit of a build-up, and was almost eager to just relax and let go. After a few heavy but steady breaths, he was past the point of no return; he couldn't fight it now, even if he wanted to.

“hhh... hehh...  huuh’KSHHhhu! hh’KSHHHhhiu!

He took care to shelter the rabbit from the fallout. It wasn't that bad, nothing a quick swipe of the arm couldn't fix, but he could feel another sneeze creeping up already, and he didn't want to make a habit of using his jacket as a tissue. Gently dropping the rabbit onto the couch, he grabbed a real tissue from the box on the coffee table, but by the time he got it to where it needed to be the sneeze vanished. He waited - sometimes they came back after a second, or ten - but then he started to feel ridiculous, so he put his hand down and sniffled instead. He still held onto the tissue, just in case.

“Well, that's irritating,” Jack said as he glanced at the rabbit, who seemed to watch him smugly from his place on the couch. “I hope you're proud of yourself for what you did out there. You made me look like an asshole.”

The rabbit stopped twitching, held still for a moment, then started back up again.

“I get you the organic carrots,” Jack continued, returning to the entrance to retrieve his spilled tote bag. “And that's how you repay me?”

He knew it was absurd to keep talking to the rabbit, but he couldn't stop himself as he rolled the produce back into the bag. Was he really that lonely here, that he had to stoop to conversing with animals? He returned his keys to the hook and brought the tote into the kitchen, placing it on the counter with more care than he'd shown it in the front hall. The next moment he was making his way to the bathroom to wash his hands. “You better behave yourself,” he said, pointing at Bennie as he passed the couch. “And no pooping. I mean it. If I find even one turd, you are outta here, pal.”

The rabbit didn't even turn his head to look at him as he left.


Jack returned with clean hands, a roll of paper towels, and an old laundry basket he was okay never using again. Before preparing the nest, he chopped up some of the vegetables and dumped them onto a paper plate. Then he poured the flaky bedding into the laundry basket, coughing and waving away the dust as he straightened back up.

“Alright, bud, is your home for tonight,” Jack said. “Don't get too comfortable, because you're not… hihy’iHSHhh-oo! not stayihh--g’kTCHHhshh!... God, I don't have to explain byself to you; you're a goddamb rabbit!”

He could feel his irritation spike with each sneeze; it didn't take much to agitate him these days. The rabbit, however, appeared unaffected. He helped himself to a carrot from the plate, an action that seemed to further annoy his handler. “Ah ah, first you go id here for a bit,” Jack said, transferring the morsels to the basket. “Then you can have your little sndack.”

Once Bennie was settled in his temporary quarters with some water and an assortment of veggies, Jack went to the bathroom to wash his hands again. This time he ventured a look at himself in the mirror; it was an unsettling sight. His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, hair disheveled, cheeks streaked with dried and fresh tears, and his nose… it was the reddest thing on his face. He was so preoccupied with this rabbit business that he didn't realize how unraveled he'd become in the span of thirty minutes. Blowing his nose and splashing water on his face did very little to help. Opening the medicine cabinet, Jack pawed around for something to take the edge of this constant itchiness and came up empty. All he saw in there were his dead mother’s useless medications.

“Fuck it,” he told himself. “I already have the best medicine.”

He opened the drawer that contained his freshly scrubbed bong and set to work.

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This is freaking brilliant! Totally cracked me up! So in character. Love him dropping the keys over and over. And talking to the rabbit, and realizing he's talking to the rabbit. LOL

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Recreational marijuana use and cursing galore ahead! Proceed with caution! I'm not thrilled with this part but... meh. It's a stepping stone.



Jack knew he probably should have stopped after that first hit. It left his head spinning and filled the tiny bathroom with smoke, but the bud kept burning, so he took another rip. This time he coughed on the exhale, a rookie mistake that seared his throat and left him fumbling to get his bong to an even surface. Once it was safe on the counter he coughed more harshly into cupped hands, stumbling back into the wall. By the time he was finished, he was gasping for air.

“Holy shit,” he wheezed, glancing warily at the bong. “Just leave it there, man, leave it there…”

Smoke swirled in the barrel. It was cool to watch, but he was feeling suddenly faint. Somehow he found his way onto the shower stool, where he sat, pondering the patterns in the shower tiles, for about twenty minutes. Or maybe it was two. It didn't really matter.

What mattered was that the rabbit was still alive when Jack, now clad in the world's comfiest bathrobe, made his way back to the living room. It appeared to be alive, anyway. He wondered, as he watched its nose twitched mechanically if it was an intricate robot of some kind sent to… what, spy on him? By his students?

“Come on,” he said, arguing aloud with himself. “That's preposterous, even for them.”

Jack sat in front of the now-occupied laundry basket, between the couch and the coffee table, with the wall at his back. His eyes were glazed as he stared at the rabbit, buried in its fluffy bedding, and remembered how he used to hide in a basket just like that when his mother did laundry. It was crazy to think that he was ever small enough to fit into a laundry basket. As he reached out to pet Bennie’s soft head, he could hear his mother reminding him not to touch his face until he washed his hands. It was a memory he didn't even know he had. She was the last thing he wanted to think about right now, but it was hard not to when she was everywhere in this house. When he could hear her in his head as if she were standing right beside him.

“Do you need baths?” he asked abruptly, jerking the steering wheel of his mind away that train of thought. 

He knew the rabbit couldn't answer, but it didn't stop him from asking the question. Jack wondered if maybe he threw the instructions out with the cage. His phone was… somewhere, and he didn't feel like getting up again to find it. He'd never lived with a pet before, but he couldn't imagine what else one might need beyond food, water, and a place to shit. A bath, if truly necessary, could wait until he and his phone were reunited.

Deciding he had done enough to provide for the immediate needs of his companion, Jack slid further down until the back of his head was resting on the couch cushion. He closed his eyes, marveling at how heavy his eyelids felt, and listened to Bennie nibble a carrot. The repetitive sound was strangely soothing, and his high felt like a warm blanket, fresh from the laundry. All and all, he felt secure. It was a feeling he missed.

"I don't mind you, you know,” Jack said, enjoying the sensation of fur against skin as he stroked the rabbit’s head. “As long as you keep chilling like this, I wouldn't mind some company. I mean, I was planning on extending my Tinder radius, but somehow hanging out with Bugs Bunny all weekend seems a lot less pathetic...”

He paused to sigh, then sniffle, rubbing his nose with his free hand.

“I'm just… I'm tired, man. It’s exhausting, trying to fill this need for… I don't even know what it is.” He was in too deep now; he couldn't stop the words from flowing, but he figured it was better to lose them here than in his class, or in the middle of the supermarket. “I can always go somewhere else - I don't need to be here - but everywhere else sucks just as much. I'm starting to wonder if it's just me... if I create my own chaos. If all the awful shit that's happened to me is my own fault.”

Jack didn't hear crunching anymore. Opening one eye, he saw Bennie staring right at him, completely still. He suddenly felt really embarrassed, more about what was said than who heard it. Still, it didn't help to be looked at like that, and by a rabbit, no less.

“What am I even saying?” he laughed, his tone suddenly light. “I'm just rambling, man, you know how it goes… or maybe you don't. Rabbits don't really get high.”

He decided that now was a good time to stop talking to an animal. Grabbing the remote off the coffee table, he turned on the television. Vivid colors and movement filled the tiny screen: a commercial for flea and tick medication, a local dealership with the most annoying spokesperson on the face of the planet, the dull ramblings of some TV preacher. Jack's body felt light and warm as the mumbling voices filled his ears, blending into a haze of white noise. He might have even fallen asleep, if not for-


His body curled from the force of the outburst, from relaxed to tense in an instant. Pushing himself upright, he had just enough time to rip a paper towel off the roll beside him before the encore performance.

“eht’TSCHHhyeu! heh--ih'kNnchh!-oo.”

Jack squeezed his nose through the paper towel, wrangling the third sneeze into a semi-stifle. It was always so uncomfortable to hold them in like that, but in some cases, the extra pressure helped to reach the spots even the most unrestrained sneeze couldn’t touch. Jack realized with annoyance that this was not one of those cases, as he was left with buzzing sinuses, watery eyes, and a tickle that refused to quit. Something was seriously setting him off, and with no sign up letting up anytime soon.

His nostrils flared on the next inhale, his head tilting back slowly. The sensation pulsed, then faded slowly. For a minute he thought he was in the clear, but then two more sneezes came rushing out, back to back.

iihHHSHHyiuu! hiHHHSHhoo!!

He caught them both in the paper towel, held his nose there for a moment, and sneezed again, shoulders tensing.


Jack grabbed another paper towel and gave a forceful blow, trying to force the fit into a shutdown. Then he wiped his nose, the rough treatment paralelling the anger he felt towards his misbehaving body. He grabbed a fresh square to dab at his streaming eyes, then balled up the whole mess and tossed it in the general direction of the closest wastebasket. He didn't bother to see if it made it in.

As much as he didn't want to move, he knew he would have to get up. Clearly, he was having some kind of lingering reaction, probably from whatever was blooming outside. Jack considered a shower, a change of clothes, and an early night; he still had the whole extended weekend ahead of him. If things didn't improve after some time inside in air-conditioned comfort, he would make a trip to the closest pharmacy and get this sorted out.

As he stood up another sneeze hit, causing him to stumble and nearly trip over the laundry basket. “Sorry, bud,” he said breathily, legs straddling the basket now as he froze, eyes fluttering shut. “Hehh… knSHHHH!!-uhh…

He sniffled, enjoying the relief that washed over him and hoping it wasn't just temporary. When he looked down, Bennie was attempting to escape the basket, likely startled by the sound. Jack knocked him back gently with his food, thwarting his efforts.

“You stay put,” Jack said sternly, his voice muffled behind the paper towel. “I'll be right back.”

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I love this so much!

1 hour ago, Anonymouse said:

“I'm just… I'm tired, man. It’s exhausting, trying to fill this need for… I don't even know what it is.” He was in too deep now; he couldn't stop the words from flowing, but he figured it was better to lose them here than in his class, or in the middle of the supermarket. “I can always go somewhere else - I don't need to be here - but everywhere else sucks just as much. I'm starting to wonder if it's just me... if I create my own chaos. If all the awful shit that's happened to me is my own fault.”

This is so Jack!


1 hour ago, Anonymouse said:

“What am I even saying?” he laughed, his tone suddenly light. “I'm just rambling, man, you know how it goes… or maybe you don't. Rabbits don't really get high.”

He decided that now was a good time to stop talking to an animal.


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Hi. AP Bio is my most recent obsession (binge watched the entire show four nights ago, can't get enough) and you capture the atmosphere of the universe so well. Everything about the blunt tone and humor here mirrors A.P perfectly.

On 3/25/2018 at 7:09 AM, Anonymouse said:

There was a quarter of marijuana waiting for him in his dead mother's apartment.

I laughed so hard, you have no idea.

On 3/25/2018 at 7:09 AM, Anonymouse said:

She would have been mortified to know the devil's lettuce had crossed her threshold, and that her son allowed it to be brought into her home by “that bad influence” Bennie Peterson.

And then I laughed so much harder.

You write Jack so well; hypersensitive but simultaneously disillusioned by everything??? It works.

Also that introspective "woe is me what am I doing with my life"stuff during your last update is killer. I feel like one of the greatest non-fetishy appeals of writing characters while sick (or, in this case, while having prolonged exposure to allergens) is the opportunity to write someone who is forced to just sit, exist and examine themselves in some more objective manner. Because what else are you going to do? Go outside? LOL fat chance. 

Anyway, I'd like to tip you off that this:

On 4/8/2018 at 7:42 PM, Anonymouse said:

He didn't bother to see if it made it in.

Is yet another comedic highlight of this fic.

This is just so good. The atmosphere is all there and I'm pretty much in love with the way you write Jack. You're spot on. 

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Oh my God! Brilliant! This is just too spot on and funny-keep up the fantastic work!

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