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Asexuality/Sneeze Fetish (AM DYING FOR ADVICE)


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Hello! This is my first post on here (although I've been keeping up with the forum for a very long time) so I apologize if this is awkward or wrong somehow, and I will do my best to keep it PG!

I'm a 19 year old woman, and I have had sexual relations with a woman once and a man twice in the past. I've found myself in somewhat of a dilemma regarding my fetish/sexuality. I've recently come to the conclusion that I am a heteroromantic graysexual (I very rarely experience physical sexual attraction to others, exceptions include a partner I am HEAD OVER HEELS in love with, or just random spurs of the moment, but the idea of sex generally does not excite me). I often only experience arousal in regards to the sneezing fetish. Don't get me wrong- I can absolutely find men hot as all hell. It's just the idea of sex in particular that usually turns me off- I actually enjoy cuddling and kissing. 

I do have someone I am absolutely in love with, and we broke up about a year ago for reasons on both sides, but mine being that I could be standoffish with him when I was afraid of things turning sexual, leaving him feeling rejected. I didn't know I was on the asexual spectrum at the time, so I didn't have the words to explain why it literally was me, not him. He even at one point hinted at it and said 'that would be okay', but he does have a strong sex drive and I want to be able to make him happy as well. There's a chance we're going to get back together again, and he doesn't know that I've figured out my sexuality since we dated, nor does he know about the fetish. 

Quite honestly I feel as though the fetish is personal to me, and wouldn't be interested in sharing it with a partner. However, I am looking for advice on 1. How to talk to him about my sexuality, 2. How to handle our sexual relationship moving forward. Now that I'm more comfortable with my orientation, I want to keep what happened in the past from happening again. I would not be opposed to performing sexual acts for him (he would have my full consent of course) but am more or less indifferent about receiving them. I do want him to be comfortable in his relationship with me (and it's all about compromise, right?).

Does anyone have any idea how to go about this/advice on asexual life with this fetish in general/can just convince me that I'm not broken or an alien or something?

I truly am in love with him, and WANT this to work out. I really do feel like it can now that I know what's going on. I've felt like I was so weird for so long because of my mess of a sexual preference. Any advice is SERIOUSLY appreciated, as this is something that I have literally never talked to anybody about and gives me horrible anxiety.:mellow:  It would be a great help to me. Thank you so so much!

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Welcome to the forum! I don't have advice, but maybe just some words that you shouldn't rest this IMPORTANT relationship on lol. But I'm some spectrum of ace so this caught my eye. 

If you two are talking about getting together, have you talked about the reasons for the breakup and what's changed so it won't happen again? I guess I'm wondering if he just thought those feelings of rejection were in his head or if he knows you were actually being standoffish. Basically, he might bring it up and that could be the start of the discussion.

He hinted at it and said that would be ok...so it sounds like he would be receptive to hear more about it in your discussion. And if you explain that you don't get aroused unless it's someone you've formed a deep connection with and that it's not as instant or frequent as other people, that could help. 

You are romantically (and sometimes or rarely sexually) attracted to him, so he would naturally have to focus on more romantic type things for his part in your relationship. If he feels weird about engaging in sexual activities with you knowing you don't enjoy it or care nothing about it, maybe explain that there are things he will do to fit your preferences. Or mention that making him happy makes you happy. 

Ok now to answer your questions. hmm generally, when discussing something sensitive, if you preface it with words like 'I want to talk about something serious or I've never told anyone or I'm scared to talk to you about this because I don't want it to change our relationship'.... the listener gets in this mode of "ok this is serious, she is trusting me, can't judge, can't react outwardly, think before you sleep blah blah, and then the discussion goes smoother but his answer will be his answer. It's hard because you know you have to tell him so things don't end up like last time but you don't know what will happen when you tell him. For the second question, I think one of the important things is talking to him without him feeling like he's taking from you or using you. so avoid words like 'I'm not opposed to'. (I know that's not what you planned to say to him. Just using an example.) And then also remind yourself that this is new for him so he will be very careful and maybe insecure at first.




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