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Caretakers, how do you cope with sickness early in relationships?


zneeze

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(This has more to do with caretaking and illness in general than sneezing in particular, so mods, feel free to move to related fetishes if needed. Or support group, for that matter.)

Something frustrating keeps happening to me and I need to vent it out now. I will be in the early days/weeks of either officially dating someone, or flirting and working up to some dates with someone, and they'll get sick. My last girlfriend 1.5 years ago caught a cold shortly after we got serious and intimate for the first time and I basically had a day-long panic attack about missing out on seeing her sick/needing to have some cute caretaking response or make some dumb care package for her/debating if I should tell her my fetish then and there.

A few months ago, I was on a third date with someone and found out she was getting over a cold. I became so anxious to see more than her light sniffling, while simultaneously being anxious I'd make a bad mistake or get too wrapped up in asking about how she felt, that I sent a panicky message to one of my forum friends. (For reasons I promise are unrelated to this, we didn't see each other after that day.)

The reason I'm writing today is because I had a first date planned for tonight, and the woman I was going to see texted me asking to reschedule because her nieces she spent Easter weekend with "got" her sick.

I know I'm a maniac for my reactions, an outlier in this community of outliers, but I needed to post this and ask for advice because I swear I used to handle this stuff more smoothly than I do now. On one hand, it's not anyone's fault that sickness keeps coming up in the earliest stages of my dating relationships. On the other, I know the other 7 billion people on earth wouldn't have an issue with this and I probably wouldn't have, either, a few years ago. Somehow, in the last few years, I lost an ability to handle my shit when I just want to see a crush or girlfriend with a sneezy cold and comfort her. (Last summer when I was seeing a therapist, I tried to talk this out but to be honest I barely remember what she said in response.)

TL;DR = I want to be around a woman I'm dating when she is sick, but that first sickness keeps happening so quickly that my idiot brain and fetish don't know how to cope with the news and I get an inexplicable panic attack.

Even if you aren't a caretaking type in romantic relationships, have you ever been dating someone, seen them sneeze pretty early on, and worried that your attraction to their sneeze might affect how you see the whole person or whole relationship?

Thank you if you read the whole way!

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My advice is chill...especially for a first date.  Send a sweet note--email or text, just telling her you hope she feels better and LET IT GO.  Caretaking is much more intimate than a first date really warrants.   To do otherwise is really letting your needs trump hers and that's not cool.

Hang in there on the idea that most adults get sick a few times a year.  Let a relationship develop before you get right into the caretaking.  Most people I know are pretty private about illness and it takes a fair amount of established intimacy to be willing to be weak in front of someone you like, especially.

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I agree with the comments above-- especially with a first date, you should do what you can do make THEM feel better, even if it's painful to not see them. A sweet text/call to wish her feel better and then you're good. If you're a little farther along in the relationship, then I'd say ask if they need anything/if you can bring them anything and let them decide.

I TOTALLY understand how you're feeling-- I'm a caretaker too and love nurturing my significant other. But especially for a first date situation, you'll have to sit on your hands and let the nice gesture be enough. When it gets a little farther, I'm sure they'll let you in/you can ask if you can help further. 

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In addition-- I told my significant other pretty early about my fetish so I didn't have to worry-- but I think that's only applicable if you really trust them. 

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You don’t want to have a panic attack in front of her or make her feel like you’re acting weird because of her cold since it can be a sensitive time for the sick person. Everyone is different but I think it would be cute to leave something at her door with a note (small pack of tissues, cough drops, small teddy bear etc...nothing over five or ten dollars total....it’s just the thought that counts in this instance. Maybe in the note say you were looking forward to the date and that you hope she feels better)She’ll appreciate it and maybe wish you would have just come in. Maybe she’ll tell you. But it’s best not to see her if you know your reaction will Be Strong. Oh my goodness! Maybe drop it off during the time you would have had the date (hanging the bag on the door) and make sure you’re home before you tell her to check. 

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Thank you for the comments, everybody. Just writing the post helped me calm down and she and I have texted back and forth a little bit since then.

4 hours ago, Jelloicious said:

My advice is chill...especially for a first date.  Send a sweet note--email or text, just telling her you hope she feels better and LET IT GO.

All due respect, because it seems you wanted to help, but I know I need to chill and LET IT GO. It's easier said than done for me, which is the defect I've been struggling with longer than I'm happy to admit.

But like I said, I wound down after venting it out here. I'm going to try not to think about her for about a day and pretend this didn't happen. It also helped that she told me she thought it was the flu - part cold symptoms, part stomach bug. If she was like "My only symptom is sneezing fits" I'd cry on the shower floor.

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I'm glad you are feeling better about it-- we all know it's hard for sure, something we've wanted so long. The positive part is that if your relationship grows, then eventually you'll absolutely get to experience caretaking for her :)

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13 hours ago, zneeze said:

 Just writing the post helped me calm down and she and I have texted back and forth a little bit since then.

Sweet!  You've got this!

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