Struggling with my sexuality

[lovelysneeze]

First off, thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read and respond to this. Mods, if this becomes 18+ at any point, or is too off topic, feel free to move. 

I have been struggling a lot with my sexual orientation recently, and I'm not sure where else to go but here. I know there are a lot of individual topics on asexuality on this forum, but I'm just looking for some support and words of advice, because I'm going crazy keeping this all bottled up inside. I do see a therapist. I've been seeing the same person since I was 10 years old. Now in my mid twenties, I could never imagine telling her about my possible asexuality, because the asexuality ties in with the fetish. As much as I think she'd be supportive, she knows me too well, and I just don't feel comfortable telling her something like this to her face. I've considered it many times before, but  I do not feel comfortable at this point in time sharing my fetish with her. 

I've always only experienced arousal from sneezing. Rarely, on occasion, I will want sex. But I am never aroused from the idea of it, and I certainly don't want it as much as my partner does. Plain and simple, like a lot of you on here. It's never been a big issue, but now as I grow older, I'm starting to identify more and more with the asexual orientation. I'm starting to realize, with more and more research, that a lot of the feelings I have and have had for years now make sense under the asexuality umbrella. I've been in a loving relationship for over a year now with a heterosexual man who I love to the moon and back. He does not know about the fetish. We do have sex. And he doesn't have a clue that I'm struggling with all of this. I am usually never in the mood to have sex...(I mean, it doesn't repulse me or anything, but I definitely don't get aroused for it like I do sneezing) I do usually end up enjoying it once we're into it, but I mostly do it for his pleasure. Once I am experiencing certain bodily sensations, I can get aroused, which I'm grateful for. But that's not the big problem here. 

I have a few problems here.

1.) I am entirely confused about all of this. I have yet to define myself or give myself or my sexuality a label, because my feelings go back and forth. All I know is, I'm not full blown asexual, but I am definitely somewhere on the spectrum. 

2.) I am struggling so hard internally with the fact that I am not like everyone else. Sex is an instinct. Sexual desire is said to be an instinct, for the purpose of sexual reproduction. And I just...don't experience it? It's not like being gay or bisexual...it's just a lack of sexual attraction completely. And while I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, I already thought I was different enough already for having this damn fetish all my life...and now I have to deal with this, too. Another thing that makes it harder to fit in, it feels like...

3.) One of the bigger issues is that I feel like I am not being completely honest with my boyfriend and it's bothering me to my core. I love him so much, and I respect him so much, and I feel so upset because I feel like in a way I am lying to him about who I am. This is the first time I've ever been so aware of my sexuality, and it happens to be happening while I'm in a long term relationship with the man I honestly want to marry and have children with. I know, I know...if he truly loves me, he'll accept me for who I am, yada yada...but I haven't even begun to accept myself. I don't even know who I am. I've never struggled with my sexual identity up until this point. I've never had to tell anyone I'm with the hard truth about me except for maybe revealing the fetish to people here and there. Which I gotta be honest, seems a lot easier than revealing "hey, I don't really experience sexual attraction. My basic human instinct just kinda isn't there. Sorry." (I truly mean no offense whatsoever to anyone on here who is asexual...these are my negative feelings I have towards myself right now) 

I've gone my whole life just going with the flow, having sex, knowing I was never crazy about it but now I'm faced with this idea that this is who I am. And if I'm going to marry the man I'm with, is it a matter of him deserving to know all of me? Or is this different? I feel so guilty for keeping to myself about this stuff. At the same time, I do realize I don't have to put a label on it right now and I can just let myself be until I figure it all out. But am I lying to him? Should I reveal all of this to him? Is it unfair, or is it ok to keep this stuff to myself right now until I know enough? I'm not repulsed by sex, he always has my consent, and I can continue doing it with him, so it's not like I'm being forced to do something I don't want to and need to bring it up because of that. Our relationship is healthy and he is extremely respectful, so I don't see a problem with choosing to keep this information from him until I'm comfortable enough to share it. But I cannot help but feel guilty and dishonest. Not to mention, I have been feeling so down on myself since coming to realize all of this. I don't want to be this way. I want to be different, but I can't change who I am. Does anyone have any suggestions? Has anyone else gone through this? Any other people out here who identify as being on the asexual spectrum but engage in a sexual relationship? 

Thank you for listening to me ramble on and on. This is my first time putting these thoughts out, so my apologies if they are negative in tone or rambly. My hope is to talk to some people who have had similar experiences, or even just the same feelings I'm experiencing right now. 

[King Mob]

To start: I know precisely what you're going through. Over the course of last year I started to identify as on the asexual spectrum. In my specific case, I can get aroused by things other than the fetish(though I normally have to be very close to the person first), but I don't like genitals and I'm not fond of intercourse. I have two partners, one of which is also asexual, and one of which is hypersexual. I really enjoy giving my partners pleasure, and both my partners are aware of and supportive of the fetish. However, I know exactly what you mean when you mention how difficult it is to talk about the fetish and one's sexuality to partners(or just others in general).  I can say this: if what is worrying you most about it is a potential negative reaction, in my experience at least, romantic partners that I've been with for a while and told about have always been either extremely supportive or at worst confused but willing to understand. If you're like me though, what's stopping you from discussing it isn't that, but a sense of shame that's hard to shake. I think it's a common feeling with fetishes and asexuality both(and anecdotally, I see a lot of crossover between the two). If that is indeed the case, I don't know what to tell you to make talking about either aspect easier, as I still struggle very hard with talking about the fetish angle. I can say this though: you're not a freak, and you're not alone. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

As far as the discussion on labels goes: I'd suggest looking into the various sub-categories of the asexual spectrum, find the one that best fits how you feel, and use it if you so choose(I still don't know what exactly mine is lol). If you feel differently later, it is ok to change the label you use.

Edited April 4, 2018 by King Mob