These Fucking Allergies (Westworld, Theresa)

[Chanel_no5]

***Note***

I have no excuses. And I have no regrets. But holy shit, this lady did NOT want to surrender to the allergies I graciously bestowed upon her. So, we compromised. I was allowed to give her allergies but within limits. And I had to throw in some perks for her as well. What can I say, she’s a tough negotiator.

Some bad language and some flirting (I did say I had to throw in some perks for her, didn't I? )

***

It was funny, in a non-humorous way, how science had evolved to the point where they could cure almost 100 % of all diseases – but respiratory allergies and the common cold simply refused to capitulate to medical science.

Theresa Cullen lit a cigarette and coughed out the smoke when her throat began to tickle. These fucking allergies had first appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, about a year after she first moved here, and now they were her eager companions throughout summer. Apparently, there was something in the desert that did not agree with her.

“Theresa! You can’t pull more of the hosts out of service, I can’t get even the most rudimentary storyline to work!” Lee Sizemore’s shrill voice cut through the blessed silence. More things that did not agree with her. Theresa closed her eyes, as if this could make him go away. It didn’t work.

She rubbed the underside of her nose with her knuckles, trying to force a blooming itch into submission before she replied.

“Actually, I can, and I did. It wouldn’t do your precious storylines much good if those hosts went completely off script now would it?”

Lee was thrown off his game for a moment, but bounced back almost admirably fast.

“It’s these updates that keep interrupting the flow, it wouldn’t happen if they…”

The itch in her nose had only gotten worse, and now it attacked full force. Theresa took a sharp, sudden breath, turned to her right, and unleashed a harsh, resounding sneeze.

“AEESSCHH!”

Lee jumped.

“For fuck’s sake!”

Theresa straightened up with a light sniff, secretly amused. It was far from the first time her loud, unapologetic sneezes had scared the shit out of Lee Sizemore, and while she didn’t do it on purpose, it was certainly a perk to something that otherwise was nothing but an annoyance.

“The frequency of the updates is out of my hands and you know that,” she said, taking a drag on the cigarette, and refused to acknowledge either the sneeze or Lee’s reaction to it. Given how her nose felt after only a few minutes of inhaling the desert air, she was going to sneeze plenty of times today. It was an inconvenience, but it had an upside; Lee was going to keep his distance.

“You should definitely take something for that hayfever,” he said.

“Thank you for that unsolicited medical advice,” Theresa said in an even tone and put out the cigarette. “Now fuck off.”

She didn’t have to tell him twice; he was already heading back inside, muttering under his breath. She could make out the words “Danish bitch”, which logically referred to her, but she had zero interest in entertaining a fight, so she let it slide. Theresa watched as he left, but most of her focus was still on the prickle in her nose, rising and falling with each breath she took. From the depth of her sinuses to the very tip of her elegant, regal nose, everything itched like crazy.

Pollen, she thought with utter repugnance. Such a tiny, innocent little thing, and her stupid fucking body didn’t get the memo. No, it just had to go into overdrive and release this flood of histamine, turning her into an itchy, drippy, sneezy mess that had no control over her own body. Being allergic summed up everything that Theresa Cullen loathed the most.

***

“You know what the best part about summer in the desert is?” Elsie asked Bernard with a smirk.

“What?”

“Theresa can’t sneak up on you in that creepy silent way,” she replied, and Bernard chuckled. “No, I’m serious. I don’t get how she can walk so quietly in those stilettos, but once allergy season comes around, bam! No way she can sneak around.”

“Who’s sneaking around?” Theresa’s voice, thick with allergic congestion but as demanding as ever, spoke from right behind Elsie.

Bernard chuckled again, this time at Elsie’s priceless ‘are you fucking kidding me?!’-expression.

“You are,” he said, not minding Elsie’s murderous glare. “Elsie is just impressed with how quietly you can walk in heels.”

“Lots of practice,” Theresa said, but she didn’t sound unkind, so she had clearly not heard everything the younger woman had just said. “Have you figured out the problem with the host yet?”

“I have a relative overview of what might be the cause.”

“Very specific,” she said dryly. The fluttering itch in her nose flared up anew, and she rubbed the side of her nose with her fingertips. It was so disruptive. She knew she shouldn’t have gone outside to smoke, not today, not without antihistamines, but the time for second thoughts had come and gone. Besides, she could ride it out. She always did.

“I’ll show you,” Bernard said and pulled up some data on the screen. Theresa leaned forward and watched the screen, still rubbing her nose. The skin beneath her fingertips was slowly turning a rosy shade. Her persistent rubbing did nothing to relieve the tickle, quite the contrary. When she realised she was actually making matters worse, she lowered her hand, but it was too late. The tickle erupted into an allergic firestorm, and her nostrils flared as she inhaled deeply, turned her head and sneezed violently towards the floor.

“HaaaEESSHHHH!”

Elsie startled, and her upper lip involuntarily curled in disgust at the uncovered explosion of spray, but Theresa didn’t notice; she hitched her way through a frustratingly long buildup to a second loud sneeze.

“Hehh-ehhh… hahh… hah-EESCHHHoo!”

She sniffed, shook her head a little as if to clear it, and blinked away some moisture in her eyes.

“Bless…” Bernard began, but she cut him off.

“When exactly did the anomaly occur?”

She sniffled again, a thick, wet sound that made Elsie wince again. Bernard sent the younger woman an amused smile, and she rolled her eyes in response. This display of attitude Theresa did notice, but instead of pointing it out she filed it away for possible future use.

“At 12.32 pm.”

“Which storyline w-was the hehh… the host inv-invo… huuhERSSSCHHoo! Involved in?”

Theresa sneezed over her left shoulder, avoided spraying the screen (and more importantly, her clothes), and that was a good thing, because this sneeze was much wetter than the previous ones.

Elsie took a couple of tissues from a box on the table, usually used to clean up smudges on the hosts to avoid spreading dirt onto the data, and held them out to Theresa. The older woman ignored it completely, her sharp (although watery) blue eyes fixed on Bernard, waiting for an answer. Yes, she needed to blow her nose. No, she wasn’t going to do that in public. And if she did choose to, she would use her own goddamn tissues.

“The gunslinger faceoff on Main Street.”

Theresa raised her eyebrows in genuine surprise.

“That storyline is pretty fucking basic. I don’t like that there are glitches in the simplest ones. Can you fix it?”

“I hope so.”

“That’s not good enough.”

“I can’t promise to fix something when I’m not sure yet why the error occurs,” Bernard replied calmly. Theresa did not intimidate him at all. Sometimes he thought that too frustrated her.

“Just tell me yes and find a way to make it happen,” Theresa growled. “I’ll be in my office.”

She left the room unceremoniously and headed down the corridor.

“That went well,” Elsie said, with a healthy dose of sarcasm in her voice. “She didn’t threaten to fire any of us.”

Bernard chuckled.

“The Board will be sending their representative any day now, and she’s the one who has to deal with them. And she’s not feeling well. Cut her some slack. Could you pull data directly from the host? I want to compare with this,” he said, nodding towards the screen.

“Not touching that thing. I saw Theresa sneeze all over it.”

Bernard sighed and went to do it himself.

Somewhere in the building, close enough that they could still hear it clearly, Theresa sneezed again. Three times in rapid succession, then once more, almost like an afterthought.

“I don’t think I’ve heard anyone sound so angry when they sneeze,” Elsie said.

“It’s not that surprising when you think about it. A sneeze is an interruption. You know how well Theresa takes to being interrupted.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Often enough,” he agreed. “Ah, I see what the problem is.”

“Can it be fixed?”

“Yes. It’s just a software glitch. I can bypass it, but it’s going to take a few hours, and then we have to run diagnostics on all the hosts to make sure it’s nothing else.” He grinned. “Do you want to be the one to deliver the good news to Theresa?”

“Better you than me, Bernie. Better you than me.”

***

After work hours, same day

 

“Quit staring at me, Bernard,” Theresa said without taking her eyes off the tablet screen. “I may be in your bed, but right now I’m reviewing work.”

“So am I. I would really like to use your profile for reference. You have such an elegant nose. Majestic. It’s beautiful.”

“It’s also very rebellious,” she said hoarsely and sniffed. “And I don’t appreciate my own body turning against me.” She tossed the tablet onto the bedside table with a curt nod. “Looks good. I’ll sign the host back into service t-tomorrow…”

The line between her eyebrows deepened as the sneezy look crept into her features little by little. Her eyes narrowed, and the wings of her crimson nose quivered. Her mouth fell open. Her head tilted back.

Bernard watched this process, took mental note of every tiny muscle, every twitch, as a sneeze slowly built towards completion. Her face was a canvas of allergic helplessness.

“HAESSSSHHH! Hah…! uhERRSHHHoo-oh fuck this!”

She sneezed with no inhibition, not trying to hold back or cover, and her only concession to courtesy was that she turned and sneezed to the side of the bed, aiming the spray towards the floor. To Bernard, her sneezes sounded angrier than they did earlier. Maybe that wasn’t so strange. She had done an awful lot of it over the course of the day. It had to be infuriating.

“Bless you.” He leaned in and gave her a kiss before she could get started on a third sneeze. “You know what?” he said as he pulled back a little. Theresa looked at him with an exhausted expression on her face. She was done being the company’s resident bitch for today, now she was his Tess, a woman suffering immensely from her allergies but refusing to admit defeat simply because defeat wasn’t in her vocabulary.

“What?”

“The face you make right before you sneeze…”

“What about it?” she said and reached for a tissue. She blew her nose thoroughly, wiped the remaining wetness from her inflamed nostrils, and left the crumpled tissue on the bedside table next to the tablet and the nearly empty wine glass. She could almost breathe unhindered through her nose now. Almost.

“You look exactly like that in a different situation,” he said, and winked. “During a different kind of buildup.”

Theresa gave his bearded cheek a playful pat.

“You know, Mr Lowe, behind that pensive, unruffled façade of yours, there’s a very dirty mind.”

“I don’t deny that, Miss Cullen.”

“Well, I could use some distraction from these fucking allergies,” she said, and smiled as she reached out to pull him closer. “Come here and provide that distraction."

"Gladly."

  

Edited April 20, 2018 by Chanel_no5

[HideAndGoSneeze]

......

 

Here lies Hide. Her last few memorable moments were squealing with glee at a Westworld story, followed by reading a story so captivating, so detailed that she melted into a puddle of giggly goop. 

 

 

..... Well done! I loved this immensely!!! 

[Selene]

I have no idea about Westworld, but hot DAMN that was a great read! I loved the anger and annoyance in her sneezes and you spelled them so perfectly that I could HEAR those emotions in them. Characters who are angry because of or annoyed by their sneezes are a huge weakness of mine and you realised this trope to perfection in this story.

[Chanel_no5]

On ‎2018‎-‎04‎-‎20 at 1:26 AM, HideAndGoSneeze said:

......

 

Here lies Hide. Her last few memorable moments were squealing with glee at a Westworld story, followed by reading a story so captivating, so detailed that she melted into a puddle of giggly goop. 

 

 

..... Well done! I loved this immensely!!! 

Hahaha, awww!! Thank you so, so much!  

On ‎2018‎-‎04‎-‎20 at 9:01 PM, Selene said:

I have no idea about Westworld, but hot DAMN that was a great read! I loved the anger and annoyance in her sneezes and you spelled them so perfectly that I could HEAR those emotions in them. Characters who are angry because of or annoyed by their sneezes are a huge weakness of mine and you realised this trope to perfection in this story.

Thank you!! It's not the usual route I take with characters, but I could not picture her sneeze any other way, and I consulted @Anonymouse as well, and she agreed. Theresa would definitely be an angry sneezer, and she wouldn't bother covering, either. (Note how I didn't even get to give her actual fits. She even resisted THAT. No character I've written has EVER fought me back on that if I wanted them to. )

 

[Kicker]

I am uh, shook. Came here after reading a few entries of your drabble thread and was not disappointed. 

On 4/19/2018 at 3:32 PM, Chanel_no5 said:

These fucking allergies had first appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, about a year after she first moved here, and now they were her eager companions throughout summer. Apparently, there was something in the desert that did not agree with her.

Your writing pretty perfectly mirrors her speech. All blunt and brash and yiss. I love her (and here she is, perfectly represented by your words, ugh-- thank you endless). The whole thing is Theresa from start to finish. The idea of unnerving Lee serving as a pacifier for allergies is both hilarious and crazy original. I don't think I've ever witnessed this attitude towards sneezing in any sneeze related content, but I seriously appreciate it. 

On 4/19/2018 at 3:32 PM, Chanel_no5 said:

“It’s not that surprising when you think about it. A sneeze is an interruption. You know how well Theresa takes to being interrupted.”

This was hilarious. It can be hard, I think, to make observations about characters through something so mundane as sneezing, but this was a really fun way to weave her personality into her condition. As is describing her sneezing as "angry"-- which I also love, of course. 

Oh and!!!

On 4/19/2018 at 3:32 PM, Chanel_no5 said:

She rubbed the underside of her nose with her knuckles, trying to force a blooming itch into submission before she replied.

I love the use of the word "submission". Lmao I physically do not blush, but I could-- I would have right here. 

[Chanel_no5]

On ‎2018‎-‎04‎-‎25 at 6:36 AM, Kicker said:

I am uh, shook. Came here after reading a few entries of your drabble thread and was not disappointed. 

Your writing pretty perfectly mirrors her speech. All blunt and brash and yiss. I love her (and here she is, perfectly represented by your words, ugh-- thank you endless). The whole thing is Theresa from start to finish. The idea of unnerving Lee serving as a pacifier for allergies is both hilarious and crazy original. I don't think I've ever witnessed this attitude towards sneezing in any sneeze related content, but I seriously appreciate it. 

This was hilarious. It can be hard, I think, to make observations about characters through something so mundane as sneezing, but this was a really fun way to weave her personality into her condition. As is describing her sneezing as "angry"-- which I also love, of course. 

Oh and!!!

I love the use of the word "submission". Lmao I physically do not blush, but I could-- I would have right here. 

Oh my God, thank you SO MUCH!! I'm actually so thrilled like you wouldn't believe it that there's someone else who loves the same character I love, that NEVER happens! So... thank YOU endless!! If you have any ideas/requests/suggestions for fics with her, I'm all ears!  Wait, those are horns. Ummm... well, I will eagerly listen to ideas/requests/suggestions while wearing my devil horns.