Fanfiction upped my relationship game

[frolicking periwinkle]

I recently broke up with my financially stable, handsome, kind fiance. There were a lot of good things in the relationship, but there were a lot of inequities as well. And in the end, my life's goals were not conducive to our being together. But I can say for a fact , that reading Mystrade fanfiction, upped my game of what I expected from a relationship and what I wanted in one. And once I saw that my fiance was not going to be able to hold up his side of that sort of supportive relationship, I broke off the engagement and asked for us to go back to being just friends.

He did, and we're doing well. And I feel so relieved and that I was able to get all of the fan fiction that my brain could handle, until I was able to convince myself that I deserved someone who is empathetic and able to provide me with the same level of care that I provide for them, and not take me for granted. 

So happy for the first time since February. 

FP

[john_kimble]

That's great that you are happy and hopefully you find what you are looking for. Just be careful about using fanfics as a basis for a relationship. It's not realistic to use a pairing of two fantasy characters as a basis for how real relationships work.

[frolicking periwinkle]

Honestly if what I've read aren't the way they work, I don't want one.  Being single is way too satisfying to give it up for something that does not have the level of respect, meeting halfway, and support that I've read about and have done for my part in my own relationships over the past quarter of a century. 

 

[Sawyer]

It sounds like breaking things off was the right thing to do. What were you seeing in the Mystrade fanfiction relationships that you didn't have with your fiance? 

[frolicking periwinkle]

8 hours ago, Sen Beret said:

It sounds like breaking things off was the right thing to do. What were you seeing in the Mystrade fanfiction relationships that you didn't have with your fiance? 

Mutual support. We both work incredibly high pressure jobs with ridiculous hours (16 per day on average). But when I was done with my day, I prioritized him. When he was dine, he prioritized himself. Like last year, he was going away for a several month long business trip. His mum and I were cleaning up the house - we didn't live together yet.  He told me that a friend of his was throwing a goodbye party for him, and when I asked if I should get cleaned up, he said the party wasn't about me, and left his mum and I to clean when he went out.  Um. Ok? (No, not ok)

Or, when we went out and my hip issue acted up, he'd insist I walk on it - sometimes up to 2 miles, while I cried in pain begging to get a cab. And then he'd get snippy that I was "bitchy."  [This happened 4x over 4 years.]

 I guess it's the both people work high stress jobs, but still value the other person thing that made me go - you know what? I deserve that too. 

Thanks for asking

FP

 

[murphy dee]

Okay y'know what, when I first read this I was like "omg why ruin your relationship because of fanfiction" but now I think it's good that you're broken up and I'll tell you why.

Guuuuurl you gotta respect yourself more!

You have a high-stress job but you say you always prioritized him? Why?? You need to be your #1 focus because you're the most important person in your life.

You also mentioned in that party anecdote that you were with his mom cleaning his place? Ew, why?? He's an adult, ain't he?

And the cab thing - whyyyyy on earth would you just keep walking? Fuck his walking ass and hail yourself your own taxi! You wouldn't catch me walking 2 FEET if my hip hurt so bad I was crying in public.

Love yourself, be good to yourself, take care of yourself above everything else!

[facet]

.

[frolicking periwinkle]

Murphy Dee, 

I prioritize the people I love because I love them. And that's the way I am. The 16-hour days enough time spent with myself, and I'd like to give other people. And that's not going to change. It has nothing to do with prioritizing myself higher. It has to do with loving myself enough to know how I love others.

As for cleaning his house, it's because he was also working 16-hour days, and was going away for months. He needed help. It's what you do in a relationship. Or at least what I do in a relationship. It is nothing to do with self-respect. This is what makes me happy.

It was just like him cooking me three meals a day when I was working my 16 hours from home during the three days we were together 2 years ago.  When there are only 8 hours left in a day after work, and six of those are for sleeping, you better believe that spending time with your significant other is a priority.

As for the taxi, I am going to assume that you live in an area where there are taxis. But I can tell you with certainty that in the Czech Republic it is not often easy to find one. He had a phone with international plan, and I didn't. So how precisely was I going to get a taxi or Uber without his help? I couldnt. No buses. No taxis without a call. No uber. No train/subway. If I didn't want to freeze, I kept walking. That's self preservation right there. 

Facet, 

I love that song! Garfunkel and Garfunkel are the BEST. Have you seen her in Scrubs? 

FP

[sickprincess]

FP: it sounds like your love language is acts of service. I can definitely relate to this!! Sometimes people aren't compatible because they can't understand each other's love languages. My ex and I loved each other very much, but he needed me to tell him how I felt about him all the time, and I'm really uncomfortable talking about my feelings. Similarly, I wanted him to show me how he cared by doing things for me without me having to ask, and he didn't understand that. I know you will find someone who's more compatible with you and shows affection the same way you do!
 

I can't speak for Murphy Dee but I don't think she was in any way criticizing you--she probably just shows her affection in different ways, and didn't understand that you enjoy performing acts of service such as cleaning, etc. I do agree with her that you should take time for self care!! You are important.

[frolicking periwinkle]

Trust me, i do plenty of self care if i didnt, i wouldnt have identified the issues, worked on them with him for 2 years, and walked away because it wasnt working for me. 

But she set me off when she called me "Gurl" and told what i 'need to do.' I did what I needed to do. I do what I need to do for myself every single day. I don't need to be spoken to like a teenager with no life experience. 

But, my ex and my love languages were actually pretty compatible.  And that was one of the hardest things to let go of. 

FP

[murphy dee]

15 hours ago, frenchposie said:

But she set me off when she called me "Gurl" and told what i 'need to do.' I did what I needed to do. I do what I need to do for myself every single day. I don't need to be spoken to like a teenager with no life experience.

Fuck me for trying to be funny I guess. Oh well.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  Sorry it rubbed you the wrong way.