Do your complicated feelings about illness fuel your fetish?

[RedVelvetHeart]

A recent post asked if anyone's fetish changed their feelings about being sick or being around sick people...I'd like to ask the opposite. Do your complicated feelings about illness feed/fuel/cause your fetish? This is mostly directed to people who are specifically attracted to colds, caretaking, contagion.

Here's my thinking on the subject, and my experience. People have a huge capacity for thinking in symbols, meaning, and metaphor. That's why we have language and writing. That's why abstract lines on a page can convey meaning and emotion. That's why if you hear the word "love" or "kill",  you have a visceral reaction to it even though it is just a simple sound. That sound has meaning to you. I think in our sexual development some of us form an association just by chance - the thing we were thinking of or looking at when we happened to do something to elicit a physical feeling acquires a meaning.  And we revisit it, and the meaning strengthens. Or something just seems to us to be an appropriate metaphor, like sneezing can be a metaphor, and it takes on a meaning that way.

My thought is that there is another aspect to this. If the random association happens to be something we have complex feelings about, that can strengthen and deepen the association. Sex and emotional needs are closely related, so complicated emotions can add fuel to the association because there is something there we are trying to work out. My example is that I was afraid of illness (my mother cared for my sick father and grandfather at home when I was very young and they both died), wanted to save people from illness (father and grandfather), was ashamed of illness (hid it from my overwhelmed, alcoholic mother who looked down on weakness and neediness, including her own) , but deep down really needed to be taken care of. So I think when I developed a random association of sneezing, it just tapped into all these complex emotions. I developed elaborate romantic daydreams in which I could rescue people, have my barriers broken down, admit illness and have it be OK, get the attention I always wanted, and just explore vulnerability and need in the context of an illness that wasn't going to kill anyone, safely in my head with no one knowing.

Anyone else? Just me?

[Chanel_no5]

You know, I honestly don't know anymore. I used to like allergies exclusively, although my desire to see specific attractive people sneeze was okay with the cause being a cold or just a random tickle. As long as I got to see a sneeze, you know? I like allergies for the relentless itchiness, fit-sneezing, and for it to be a "personal" flaw, not just something that happens to everyone at some point but that person has a weakness to (insert allergen). And I liked that to be afflicting unpleasant people, in a sort-of sadistic punishment kind of style. Mighty, mean ice queens taken down a notch or three by something that doesn't affect the people around them, but gives them a really, really rough time. I've never liked illness (maybe because it doesn't care who it infects), I've always hated contagion and mess, I've been terrified of coughing, uninterested in caretaking and H/C... I don't like taking care of others and I don't like anyone to be around me when I'm sick. This has been consistent. I still don't like taking care of people and I REALLY don't want anyone around me when I'm sick, and the rest of the things still applies to real life situations as well. 

HOWEVER. In fiction (which is my main enjoyment of the fetish either way, because I don't actually want people to suffer in real life), I came to enjoy "light colds" or "clean colds", where the illness serves the same basic purpose as the allergies (dent in the armour of someone who seems to have no weaknesses), but the symptoms are tailored to what I like. Not particularly realistic as far as colds go, I admit, but there's a reason fiction and fantasies exist, right? You can remove or gloss over the uninteresting parts and focus on the goodies. I didn't want caretaking or anything, though. Just surrendering to a weakness. So okay, I guess I could understand that development, and explore it a bit. Pushing the limits a little while still staying within my comfort zone. 

And THEN, this ONE character appears, that I for some reason prefer colds on. Not exclusively, make her sneeze and I'll be happy as a clam, but I do prefer colds. BAD colds. Even the flu works. Fevers, mess, contagion, chesty raspy coughing, all of it deluxe with extra fries, please. Everything I don't like, I suddenly want in excess. And yet, that sadistic punishment-part has relented, so I do want her to either tough it out like it's not that much of a deal, or to get a big slice of fuzzy TLC as well. I don't know if this is signifying a change in me, or what that change would mean or why it's been brought on if that's the case, or if it's just a random fluke, or if it has anything to do with the character or something she symbolises which I only pick up on subconsciously. I really don't know. I'm so confused and I've been in denial and I've done the "it's just a phase"-excuse, but it's been going on since late April and only intensifying, so I guess this is who I am now. It has served as a gateway for me to soften my previous instinctive dislike for colds, but with others, it can very quickly cross the line to where I feel uncomfortable (cough, contagion, mess) or just uninterested (caretaking), whereas that tolerance is nearly limitless as far as this particular character is concerned. It remains to be seen if it's going to stay exclusive or if I'll bring the preference with me when I move on to other characters, that's going to be interesting. 

Um, so, I have fantasised about her pushing me up the wall and saying "I'm going to give you this cold whether you like it or not" before proceeding to do just that. Normally, this for me would be more of a horror story than a hot fantasy, and a definite, immediate turn-off. But in this case, it, uhhh... isn't. And here's where I sort-of get to the point (I started out with no clear idea of how to get there, and frankly my point is still a bit hazy even to me, so I apologise)  - the very fact that it has always been a turn-off, seems to make it ten times hotter than any previous fantasies. Just outlining the basics of this fantasy without going into detail makes me feel really dirty. It's like, allergies are mainstream sexiness to me. The "light/clean cold from a distance" is a bit naughty. And THIS is kinky and taboo. 

I'm having fun with it, but it's also really confusing. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. My fetish preferences have been super consistent throughout my life, with only minor tweaks. This. Isn't. A minor tweak. So yeah, I think I can safely say that yes, my complicated feelings about illness fuel my fetish. But I'm not sure how that came to BE. One thing that is still really important though; the one sneezing has to have a higher social status and be a stronger person than I am. I like the vulnerability/breakdown in someone strong, I do not want it onto someone who's already struggling. And I don't want it to actually be dangerous or have lasting effects on someone's health - this is also why fiction suits me better, because then I KNOW how bad it is, I KNOW how far the characters are pushed, and if I feel that something is crossing the line, I can take it back. I have the power to tailor the symptoms or stop them altogether. Can't do that in real life, whether illness or allergic reactions. 

I'm really sorry for rambling on and not having a clear point, but as I said, I'm still really confused and partly in denial about this whole thing.  

Edited September 9, 2018 by Chanel_no5

[Reader]

I’ve got complicated feelings about illness being immunocompromised, but my main thing is colds. Lol. I like controlling scenes in a safe place in my head. 

For my caretaking thing, I attribute that to being taken care of in the past for some years. Now that I’m in good health and don’t need to be taken care of, I would rather be the caretaker. Since I wouldn’t be around someone sick voluntarily in real life, my imagination or other non-contagious ailments in real life feed the fetish. I gave a tiny soft backrub to someone yesterday that hurt their back and it was nice. 

[RedVelvetHeart]

2 hours ago, Chanel_no5 said:

I'm really sorry for rambling on and not having a clear point, but as I said, I'm still really confused and partly in denial about this whole thing.  

Thank you so much for the detailed and interesting response! How intriguing that what used to be unappealing to you is suddenly not, and with this specific character. I don't know why these things change...something just opens up sometimes, I guess. Another theory I have about fetishes is this: Attraction in general has an element of overcoming initial resistance or aversion. Even just a simple kiss - that is not something you'd normally do to most people at most times. You don't want their saliva on you! And you definitely don't want to see most people's naughty bits! But something about the magic of attraction makes what is normally unappealing start to seem desirable and exciting. That may be why so many fetishes are about something unappealing. It is the attraction EVEN THOUGH it is unappealing...even though we are not supposed to like it...that makes it exciting. It may be with this character, something has opened you up to the messier side of the fetish and the very wrongness of it all makes it all the more powerful! It's interesting that you also aren't trying to punish her and can actually enjoy her getting some TLC. I'd be really curious if you have any more insights about it! I think this kind of thing is really fascinating. 

 

[RedVelvetHeart]

1 hour ago, Reader said:

I’ve got complicated feelings about illness being immunocompromised, but my main thing is colds. Lol. I like controlling scenes in a safe place in my head. 

For my caretaking thing, I attribute that to being taken care of in the past for some years. Now that I’m in good health and don’t need to be taken care of, I would rather be the caretaker. Since I wouldn’t be around someone sick voluntarily in real life, my imagination or other non-contagious ailments in real life feed the fetish. I gave a tiny soft backrub to someone yesterday that hurt their back and it was nice. 

I'm glad to hear you are in good health these days! That makes total sense that an experience of needing care would affect you that way. And it is sweet that you find non-contagious ways to be a caretaker. 

[Zwee]

First of all, I think it's really interesting the way you dive deep into analysis of this fetish. I love overthinking things, and I think it's really cool that you can remove yourself enough from your own upbringing to understand the associations that play into developing the fetish. While I can't say I haven't thought hard about what the fetish represents for me in terms of needing to solve people's problems/be valued as a caretaker, I've definitely never thought about my feelings about illness being the root of the fetish.

Thinking about it though, I actually think I might have developed the opposite outcome in response to my complicated feelings about illness. When I first started indulging fetishy thoughts, it was usually daydreams or stories I wrote about these long, drawn-out, completely miserable colds/flu, with crazy high fevers that last a weirdly long time. I crack this up to being young and relatively inexperienced with illness. Also, I undoubtedly noticed that one got more attention the worse the illness got, which was important for the caretaker part of me--which is an aspect of my personality which has always existed, even before I had experience with serious illness.

Then, my grandpa got sick, and not long after, my mom got sick. After that, everything changed for me. An illness any more serious than a pretty bad cold was now terrifying and an immediate turn-off. I think the complicated feelings about illness that arose after my mom's diagnosis actually starved(?) my fetish? If that makes sense?

Although! I definitely agree with this:

On 9/9/2018 at 8:33 AM, superimmunegirl said:

something just seems to us to be an appropriate metaphor, like sneezing can be a metaphor, and it takes on a meaning that way.

I have been really into caretaking for as long as I can remember. But now that I think about it, not even usually in a fetishy context. I don't think I'm turned on by caretaking at all, but it's really important to me for some reason. Maybe sneezing became a metaphor for the (non-sexual) gratification I get from caretaking, and my brain somehow latched on to the sneezing part as a safe, controlled way to further explore these feelings?

Thanks for bringing up this topic, I can tell you've thought a lot about it, and it makes me want to think more about it too! I already have a lot of questions for myself and the community about this--I might have to start a topic of my own!

[RedVelvetHeart]

Zwee I’m having a hard time quoting you on my phone, but I love your comment and your enthusiasm for overthinking things! Thanks for sharing in such detail. I totally get how you would be turned off from illness once your mom and grandfather got seriously ill.  I’ve had that experience although it was always temporary. 

Would be happy to hear more of your thoughts!