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Not As Intended (James Bond, James)


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And now for something completely different! This is my first time venturing outside of Torchwood on here, and my first time writing Bond. But I had this idea...


James Bond, Agent 007, rolled up to the Garsington Opera House in Q-Branch’s latest souped up iteration of the Aston Martin DBS Superleggera. In his ear, Q was detailing the mission. His target was a Miss Suki Sunshine, socialite and known associate of the terrorist Solas. They’d gotten a tip that she had a flash drive with information on future targets. His objective was to make contact with her at the intermission and determine whether she had the drive with her, and if not gain access to her hotel to retrieve it. He slid into his seat just as the lights dimmed.


As the first act closed Bond made his way to the entrance just in time to see his target exit from the other side. He followed her down to the champagne bar where he casually bumped into her. He put on his best charming smile as she turned. “Pardon me, miss…”


She looked him up and down before answering, taking in his exquisitely tailored tux and piercing blue eyes. “Sunshine. Suki Sunshine. And you are?”


“Bond. James Bond,” he answered. She was tall and lithe with golden blonde hair cut in a cute bob. “Let me get you drink.” He snagged a couple glasses of champagne from a passing waiter and they made their way to the upper terrace.


“So what do you do, Mr. Bond?” she asked curiously.


“Call me James,” he replied with a seductive smile.


“Alright, James. You can call me Suki,” she smiled coyly back at him.


“Suki. I’m in international acquisitions,” he said leaning in towards her. As he did so, he got a whiff of her perfume. It was heady and floral. It caused a sudden prickling behind his eyes and in his sinuses. He sat back and silently stifled a pair of sneezes, which thankfully she didn’t seem to notice.


“Oh! You must travel a lot then!” she said interestedly, leaning forwards.


“I do a fair amount. In fact I just returned from Monaco yesterday,” he agreed, rubbing discreetly at his nose.


“Really? I have a summer home there. You must come visit sometime.”


“That sounds delightful.” His sinuses were definitely starting to burn. He turned to the side stifling, not quite silently, another pair of sneezes. “Hsht! Hnxt!”


“Bless you!”


“Pardon me,” he apologized. “Do you do much travelling yourself?”


“Oh, here and there,” she said, waving a hand breezily.


“Have you ever been to Italy? If you are enjoying tonight’s performance, the opera at La Scala in Milan is not to be missed.” Much to his frustration he was forced to stifle another set of sneezes, which were becoming more forceful. “Hnnxt! Hnnxxt! Pardon me.”


“Bless you! I admit I have not been to Milan, but I will put it on my list of must do’s.”


“I saw La Traviata with Ailyn Pérez as Violetta last year and it was magnificent.”


She smiled delightedly, “Oh, that is one of my favorites!”


He was about to describe it to her when his breath caught suddenly and he was just able to twist to the side and barely contain a small fit. “Hah Haasccht! Hsscht! Hnnxxt!”


He heard Q in his ear, asking sharply, “007! What’s going on?”


Then Suki was looking concerned. “Bless you, James! Are you quite alright?”


He took out his handkerchief and dabbed at his nose. “I apologize. It seems something in the air is not agreeing with me.” He swallowed hard, noticing his throat was getting itchy too, and cleared his throat, which caused him to start coughing. Looking slightly alarmed, Suki offered to get him some water. As soon as she was out of sight, he took the opportunity to rifle through her purse. Sneezing or not, he was still on a mission. Not finding the drive, he instead quickly tucked her hotel key into his pocket. His plan had been to seduce her and get her back to her room and make a search of it once she was asleep. Unfortunately it seemed he was going to have to change those plans. He had just regained his seat when she returned with a glass of water. He thanked her just as the lights flickered, signalling the second act about to begin. He escorted her to the door on her side of the theatre.


“Perhaps I will see you after the show,” she offered, giving him a peck on the cheek.


“Perhaps,” he agreed, his sinuses twinging in protest. As soon as she was inside he made a beeline for the entrance. Once outside he pulled out his handkerchief and allowed himself to release the sneezes that had building. “HahhTSCHH! Hashhtchh! HahhAHHtscchh! HahhhASCHAHhh! HahhATSSHHhh!”


“My God, Bond! Bless you! What is going on? Are you ok?” Q sounded distinctly concerned.


He blew his nose before answering. “Sorry Q. I seem to be having a reaction to the lovely lady’s perfume. I’m fine. Just a bit of a change of plans. She didn’t have the drive on her so I’m headed to the hotel to check her room.”


“Are you sure that’s a good idea 007? I’m not sure you should be driving in that state…”


James laughed. “I’m fine Q. I promise I won’t wreck your precious car.”


Q was less than reassured when the agent sneezed harshly again, but he was already steering the car away from the opera house. He breathed a sigh of relief when Bond parked the car outside Cliveden House. “She’s staying in the Prince of Wales Suite. It’s on the second floor of the main mansion,” he relayed.


“Right.” James mounted the stairs and used the key to enter the room. He made a thorough search of the lounge, which was appointed in rich reds and golds, before moving on to the bedroom. Just as he was going through the chest of drawers he heard a noise from the lounge. Peering out he saw two burly men enter the suite, one bearded and the other bald headed. He slipped behind the bedroom door as they began searching the room. Apparently he wasn’t the only one after the drive. Just then he felt the prickling in his nose that was the harbinger of a sneeze. He pinched the bridge of his nose hoping to quell the sensation, this was not the time for a fit. It was to no avail however and he was forced to stifle the outburst, nearly silently.


Evidently he hadn’t been totally successful, as he heard the men freeze. Then one of them asked, “Did you hear something?”


He readied himself as they came towards the bedroom and as soon as the first man came through the door he was upon him. Bond was quicker and more agile, but the men were big and weren’t going down easily. They struggled around the room, crashing into walls and furniture. Dodging the bearded man over the bed, he managed to catch the bald headed man with a sharp upper cut that had him reeling back and into the dresser, which buckled under his weight, sending its contents smashing to the floor as the man dropped in a heap. Bond was vaguely aware of the sound of breaking glass, and then the pervasive scent of something floral filled the room as he spun back to meet the bearded man who had made it around the bed. Suddenly his eyes were filled with tears and it was as if his face was on fire. He found himself sneezing desperately. “Hashhtchh! Hashhtchh! HahtSCHH! HahhAHHtscchh! HahhhASCHAHhh! HahhATSSHH! HahhTSCHH!” Fortunately his opponent seemed as stunned by the outburst as he was, which gave him a chance to duck out of the room back into the lounge.


In his ear he could hear Q desperately demanding to know what was going on. Just then the remaining man barrelled through the doorway and took a wide swing at his head. At that moment Bond snapped forward with a hard sneeze causing the man’s punch to go over his head. Taking advantage of the situation, mainly by instinct due to his condition, he twisted up behind the man and threw an arm around his neck, choking down. The man tried to throw him off, but he hung on tight, despite continuing to sneeze, and soon the brute was slumped on the floor.


Stumbling over to the couch, he sank down, trying to catch his breath as Q continued to yell in his ear. “Q! It’s fine. HahhTSCHH! A couple of goons sho...weh...HahtSCHH! Showed up. There was a bit of a… a...HahhAHHtscchh! Fight. HahhhASCHAHhh!”


“Why are you sneezing?” Q demanded.


Bond wiped at his streaming eyes. “We may ha...ha...HahtSCHH! HahhAHHtscchh! Have knocked over a bottle of her perfume.” He sniffed wetly.


“Alright Bond. I have a car on the way to pick you up. Get out of there,” Q ordered.


“I haven’t found the drive yet,” Bond answered.


“You are in no state to be worrying about that. Get out.”


“Hashhtchh! I’ll just be a minute. Hah...Hah...HahhTSCHH!”


“Bond! You’re going to give yourself apoplexy!”


Ignoring him, Bond made his way back into the bedroom, which was in a shambles. Immediately his eyes teared up again and his breath hitched erratically. He badly needed to sneeze but it didn’t seem to be coming, so he quickly got to work searching the remaining areas of the room he hadn’t gotten to before being interrupted. He found the drive in a wallet in the bedside table and tucked it into his pocket as he fled the room. “I have the drive,” he informed Q before he gave in to a flurry of sneezes.


Q waited for a pause before he cut in. “Good. Now get out. The car is almost there.”


Bond stumbled down the stairs to the mansion just as a sleek, black Rolls-Royce pulled up. He slid into the back seat and was grateful to see a box of tissues waiting. He grabbed a handful and blew his nose wetly as the car set off for headquarters.


Q stopped and stared at him as he trudged into Q-branch. “Good God, Bond! You look terrible!”


Bond sniffled. The sneezing had slowed down some, but he was left thoroughly congested. “Thadks very buch Q.” He brought a handful of tissues to his face and stifled a stuffy pair of sneezes. “Hsscht! Hnnxxt!”


Q rolled his eyes. “Don’t stifle on my account. You’ll blow out an eardrum, and then how am I supposed to tell you what to do? Not that you listen anyway. Now give me your equipment and then get yourself up to medical. Maybe they can do something for you.”


Bond turned over his gun and various other toys Q had designed specially for him. Then he turned and headed towards the elevators, pausing to sneeze on the way.


“By the way,” Q called after him, “Good job. Now take care of yourself.”


Bond smiled to himself. Well, he had completed the mission, if not exactly the way he had intended.


Edited by AngelEyes
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YAY!!!! More writers to the Bond fandom!!! 

What a lovely and delicious idea you had for Bond. 

For a first time writing Bond, this was very much in character. Well done. 

Edited by Juto
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Oh my God, @AngelEyes, this is... this is just... Whoa. I will never thank you enough for that little piece of sheer indulgence. Please feel free to write Bond ANY TIME, okay?

On 11/19/2018 at 3:17 AM, AngelEyes said:

You’ll blow out an eardrum, and then how am I supposed to tell you what to do? Not that you listen anyway.

I lovelovelovelovelove Q. And this line is absolutely perfect. Thaaaaannnnnks!!! :hug:

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On 11/19/2018 at 12:35 AM, Juto said:

For a first time writing Bond, this was very much in character. Well done. 

OMG, Thank you! I was super nervous!


On 11/19/2018 at 11:40 PM, matilda3948 said:

They're fun to write, aren't they? 

Thanks! They totally are! You inspired me!


On 11/21/2018 at 6:45 AM, Aliena H. said:

I will never thank you enough for that little piece of sheer indulgence. Please feel free to write Bond ANY TIME, okay?

Awwww, thanks!!!

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  • 4 years later...

Goodness, sneezy allergic 007 is amazing! Personally I prefer sneezy Q but your James is amazing! 

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The dynamic between Bond and Q is absolutely delightful in this fic! I can hear the dialogue so clearly! 

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