Fic: Cake or Death? (M) - (2 Parts)

[Frick]

Title: Cake or Death?

Author: Kat Leaf

Fandom: Eddie Izzard (comedian, action transvestite extraordinare -

watch "Dress to Kill", you'll love it)

Rating: PG (ish)

Summary: A dark and stormy night brings change for two long-time friends.

* * * * * *

Beth pushed her hair back behind her ears irritably and cursed Deanna

for calling in sick for what had to be the thousandth time since her

shift started. Yes, the flu was going around but really - on

Halloween? One would have thought that the storm world have kept

people inside, but no, Halloween's power to bring out the freakish and

annoying seemed to know no bounds. Rain hammered on the roof and she

added the meteorologist to her list of people who deserved slow and

painful deaths. Her hair dropped back into her eyes as she attempted

to dish up a salad, and Eddie topped the list. He might like her hair

longer, but it was so much easier when it was chopped off. What did

he know anyway? He might be an executive transvestite, but he'd never

worked in a coffee shop –

or had long hair.

The bell above the door jangled, but she only caught the briefest

glance at the person who entered as she crossed the room with the

salad, a sandwich and two bowls of mocha balanced on her tray. "I'll

be with you in a moment," she called over her shoulder without

actually looking. Her main concern was not slipping in the water

people had tracked in and dumping scalding hot coffee all over

herself. She'd already nearly busted her ass twice, offering much

amusement to a table of frat boys as she did a little dance to hold

her balance – all she needed was to do it with a full tray.

A bray of drunken laughter drew her attention momentarily from the

couple she was serving. She glanced toward the source of the

disturbance, but couldn't make out what was so amusing. She clenched

her teeth and tried not to scowl. The next asshole who puked in the

bathroom would have to clean it up himself, she vowed. She waited as

the yuppies examined their food carefully to make sure her pink hair

hadn't contaminated it. At last they seemed as satisfied as they were

going to get, and with a falsely cheerful 'enjoy!', Beth walked back

to the coffee bar to help whoever had come in.

Their back was to her, hunched miserably over the counter, trying to

ignore continuing commentary from the frat boys at the next table.

The meteorologist would clearly be on their shit list too – they were

completely soaked. It looked almost as if they had been

wandering the streets, despite the rain. They ran a hand through wet

hair, and Beth caught a glimpse of bright blue nails through blond

tinted hair. Suddenly suspicious, she rounded the counter, her heart

sinking.

"Eddie; what are you doing here?" He was supposed to be out on a

date. At least that was what he'd told her when he stopped by the

coffee shop briefly before his show. He had been grinning from ear to

ear, all 'tarted up' as he preferred to call it, in his favorite

leather mini-skirt, black stiletto boots, and silk kimono top. The

blue star-bursts on the black background brought out the intense blue

of his eyes. Even after all the time they'd been friends, somehow his

eyes always took her by surprise. The vibrant red of his lipstick had

emphasized the curve of his lips, the stilettos making his long legs

look even longer. He looked, as she told him, good enough to eat. He

had preened slightly, a rather adorable blush coloring his cheeks.

She'd rarely seen him so nervous about meeting a girl, but apparently

Melissa was something special. Not that she saw it... but it wasn't

her date. Or her choice who he dated.

He looked up at her now with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. Not

that it would have fooled her. He looked horrible. Gone was the

excitement, the pride. His makeup had run in the rain, streaking his

cheeks with mascara and eyeliner, and his hair, which had been so

jauntily styled at the beginning of the evening, had collapsed,

plastering itself to his forehead and dripping into his red-rimmed

eyes. "Afraid my plans were canceled on account of rain." His voice,

usually velvet smooth with the British accent she so loved, was

slightly roughened.

Beth cocked a brow. "Melissa afraid of melting if she got a little

damp?" Rain, right.

Eddie frowned at her. "Jealousy doesn't become you, love."

"In your dreams." Although there was something about him like this...

bedraggled, but somehow all the more attractive for that...

Consciously derailing that train of thought, she reached into the

pocket of her apron and pulled out a tissue, handing it to him without

another word. Friends was all they were, friends all they would ever

be. He wasn't interested, and she... well, she hadn't been, had she?

As he wiped his face, she began instead to scrub down the counter and

stack the coffee cups and empty plates beside the sink. If she waited

long enough he would tell her the story, but she couldn't press him.

Otherwise he would either go silent or crack jokes.

There was a flash of lightning and the lights flickered. Beth looked

up at them rather hopefully. If the lights went out she could close

early, customers or no customers. But no, they stayed resolutely on.

She sighed, the sound drowned by the following clap of thunder. Eddie

flinched, shivering in his drenched clothes. Under his jacket his

shirt was very likely ruined.

"Cake or death?" Beth quoted one of his jokes with a grin, hoping to

lighten his mood.

Eddie stuck out his tongue. "Death, please."

"Well we're out of death. We only had three bits and we didn't expect

such a rush."

Eddie finally managed a tiny smile. "So my choice is 'or cake?' Tea

then, I suppose."

The crowd in the corner burst into laughter and over the din she could

hear one comment, "The fuck is a she-male doing in here? Might be

Halloween, but freaks like that shouldn't be allowed in public."

What little color there was in Eddie's cheeks drained away. His

expression went completely still. His fingers clenched on the edge of

the counter so tightly that his knuckles stood out.

"I'll take care of it," Beth said, stepping from behind the counter.

She was stopped by a hand on her wrist. His grip was harder than

she'd expected, the hold of someone drowning – his touch was hot on

her skin. Beth glanced up and met his eyes, startled not only by the

color, but by their shine. Tears? Fever? Before she could tell, he

looked away and let go.

"Don't. It doesn't matter," he said softly. But he still avoided her eyes.

"It does," Beth hissed from between clenched teeth.

"City of snakes." He tried a grin.

"Eddie..."

"No."

She hesitated for a long moment, and finally sighed. "All right."

Her acquiescence was punctuated by another round of laughter. She

wanted to grab the fucks by the neck of their shirt and pound their

heads into the table. She wanted to scream. She wanted to put her

arms around Eddie and shield him from the bullshit. Instead she

carefully placed a tea-bag into a mug and poured hot water over it.

The scent of mint rose on the steam, calming her enough so that when

she turned back to him, the anger had retreated from her eyes and hid

in the pit of her stomach.

"Thank you," he said, the words clearly encompassing more than the

tea. A strange look passed over his face and she was just about to

ask what was wrong when he leaned to the side and stifled a sneeze

into his elbow. "Heeh...chht!" His shoulders hunched and he sneezed

again. "Hheh'Chht!"

Her mouth went dry and she cleared her throat. "Salud." She hoped he

didn't notice the flush crawling up her cheeks. Why did he have to do

that here... now?

"Excuse me," he said, blowing his nose in the tissue she'd given him.

"Think I'm trying to catch a cold."

Beth bit the tip of her tongue trying not to collapse into a puddle on

the floor. He was her friend for God's sake. He had a girlfriend –

even if she was a bitch. And no normal human being would be

considering what she was considering with someone who had just

confessed to having some contagious disease. "Why would you try to do

something like that," she managed to ask, without any references to

either his bones, or the jumping thereof.

"Possibly because this day hasn't been shitty enough as it is."

As though to punctuate his words, there was a flash of lightning and a

clap of thunder directly overhead and the lights went out. There were

muffled cries of surprise, and even the frat boys fell silent. Beth

rejoiced inwardly, but kept her happy dance to a mere shuffle. She

reached under the counter for her flashlight and switched it on. "All

right everyone, we're closing early." Table by table she guided

people from the shop until only Eddie was left. She locked the door

behind the last group, then lit a couple of candles and set them on

the table in front of the one couch in the shop. "Finally," she

sighed as she sank down into the cushions. "I was about to slit my

wrists."

Eddie joined her, moving slowly as though his body hurt. "You and me

both, love." He cradled the cup between his hands and took a long

sip.

"The show didn't go well," Beth asked, keeping her tone carefully neutral.

Eddie sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face. "The sound system was

screwed, the lighting director missed every single bloody cue, the

audience must have been asleep, and my timing was off. I suppose it

could have been worse, but not by much."

"And Melissa?"

Eddie shrugged and leaned back, resting his head on the back of the

couch and staring

into the darkness. He was quiet for so long that she began to think

he wouldn't answer. She could feel him shiver every now and again with

chill.

The silence was broken as he sneezed again, harsh, tight sneezes that

bent him nearly double. "Chht! Hehh... heh'chht! Ehchhht!" He

groaned and she put an arm around him, heedless of his damp clothing.

"Salud. Sounds like you did catch that cold. Maybe you should be

getting home?"

He shook his head. "I'm fine." But the hoarseness in his voice

proved him liar. She rubbed his shoulder slowly, and he began to

explain. "It's Halloween. I thought it would be all right... thought

she wouldn't mind. She'd heard of me, yeah? Caught a show on HBO. So

I assumed the transvestite thing wouldn't be a deal. I've been in

blokey mode for a while and I was feeling like a change tonight.

Apparently it's one thing on stage – and something completely

different in person. She didn't mind being stared at for being with

someone famous, but it wasn't so great when that someone looked better

in heels and eyeshadow than she did." He attempted to laugh, but it

turned into a cough.

"Screw her," Beth said. "There are people out there..."

Eddie cut her off with a wave of his hand. "I'm tired, Bethy. Just

completely fucking knackered. Dating is for shite."

"It is,"she nodded. "It's why I've sworn off boys." A decision she

was deeply regretting at the moment. He leaned into her, still

coughing.

"Maybe it's time to head back across the pond. It's just not the same here."

Beth's heart gave a lurch. She knew he wouldn't stay in the States

permanently, but she kept putting off thinking of him leaving. She

made a noncommittal noise and moved her arm, adjusting one of the

candles as though it were crooked in its holder. Eddie seemed not to

notice.

"There's no decent pubs. And you can't smoke in them."

Beth nodded, playing with the candle, sticking bits of napkin in and

watching it burn.

"Your president," he shook his head ruefully. "We thought the royals

were scraping the bottom of the gene pool."

"So go," Beth said suddenly, standing up and beginning to clear mugs

from a table beside them. She tried not to notice that her hands were

shaking.

"Something bothering you, love?"

She could hear the puzzled frown in his voice and she set the dishes

in the sink with more force than was strictly necessary. Blind fool.

And more the fool her for letting herself react this way. She ran

hot water over the stack and drizzled soap over them. His heels

clicked across the floor and she tensed as he drew closer.

"Bethy?"

He was so close behind her that she could smell him – rain and leather

and a particular scent that was his alone, like sandalwood and

eucalyptus. Clean. She didn't trust her voice to hold so she just

shook her head.

His hands came down on her shoulders, turning her gently to face him.

She didn't want to look up, didn't want to meet those eyes... Electron

blue. His breath hitched and then she did, unable to resist. His

eyes were fluttering closed, long lashes tangling. Heat flared

through her, burning away all thought, and pooled deep in her core.

She melted.

"Something wrong?" She asked, her tone arch.

He shook his head, tried to answer. "I.. n..need to... sn..sneeze,"

he managed, then it burst from him, shaking him utterly. "hehishht!

Chht! Heeeh... chhhht! Ehchht!"

"Salud," she said, relieved that ' may I please fuck you now,' didn't

follow the sentiment.

Eddie made a face, reaching for a napkin from the counter and blowing

his nose. "Sorry. Almost got you, there."

Beth reached out and brushed the hair back from his eyes, testing his

forehead for fever. "You feel warm, you should be home in bed."

He leaned into her touch. "Your hand is cool," he said and his breath

ghosted across her wrist. It was her turn to shiver. He noticed

immediately. "Getting cold, love? Without the heat this place is

like tombs."

"You're right," she said suddenly realizing that if he was getting

sick he shouldn't be standing around in wet clothes and no heat.

Clean up could wait for the morning shift. After all – no light, how

could she work? "Let's get you home."

Eddie grinned mischievously. "You taking me?"

"Better you should catch your death walking in the rain?"

"I am a delicate flower..."

"A pansy, more like."

"You wound me, dahling," he pouted, affecting a Southern drawl.

The minute Beth started the car, Eddie reached out and switched on the

heat. He turned the fan up as high as it would go, rubbing his hands

in front of the vent. "Bloody cold," he grumbled.

The drive to his flat in the outskirts of Oakland was short, but even

so Eddie fell asleep, curled into the passenger seat, legs tucked up

under him like a child, head leaning against the window. Beth was

loathe to wake him, but the minute she had parked he blinked and

rubbed his eyes, smearing the last of his eyeliner.

"Sorry, didn't mean to take a sleep on you," he apologized.

Beth waved off the apology. "Not a problem." They ran together

through the rain, then huddled under the tiny overhang as Eddie

fumbled with his keys. "Come on, I'm drowning out here," she urged,

bouncing impatiently on her toes.

He muttered something distinctly rude under his breath, but finally

the door squeaked open and they both fell through, practically on top

of each other. They giggled as they clutched at each other for

balance, fingers slipping on wet cloth.

"I'm surprised you manage to carry full trays with grace like that,"

Eddie commented and Beth stuck her tongue out at him.

She was pleased to see the light of amusement back in his eyes, giving

them the sparkle that always made her smile. "I thought if I bloke

tripped in heels he had to kill himself," she returned.

Eddie drew breath to respond, but was interrupted by a round of

sneezes. He had only enough time to turn to the side before they hit,

knocking him forward again. "IhhChht!... chhhht! Ehchht!"

"Salud," Beth said, steadying him with a hand at his shoulder.

"You might want to stop that while you're ahead, yeah? I'm likely to

be at this for a while." Eddie sniffled, digging through a pile of

magazines and books, attempting to avoid knocking over either empty

wineglasses or plates, until he found what he was searching for. He

pulled free a handkerchief, quite wrinkled and only possibly unused.

Beth made a face. "Disgusting, Eddie. Don't you ever clean?"

Eddie looked around, eyes wide as though seeing his apartment for the

first time. "What do you mean? I know where everything is."

"Me too. On the floor." Beth shook her head, then pointed towards his

bedroom. "Go put on dry clothes, I'll make us some tea."

"Yes, mum."

Beth watched as he walked away, shoulders slightly slumped, his usual

bouncing gait flattened. It wasn't like him. And it pissed her off –

Melissa wasn't worth it. He was sick, he didn't need to be hurt too.

Once the tea was finished, she cleared clothes off the couch,

discarded outfits he had probably tried on and found lacking. She

could hear him moving around in the bedroom, sneezing and blowing his

nose. When he returned, he had changed into loose cotton pants and a

t-shirt that was so old she could practically see his body through it.

He'd removed his makeup, leaving him looking merely tired and ill.

Beth patted the couch and he sank down next to her, drawing up his

legs and laying his head in her lap. She ran her fingers absently

through his hair and rubbed his back lightly.

"I feel like death warmed over," he said, voice thick and stuffy.

"You look like it too," Beth said lightly, but he didn't smile, merely

closed his eyes.

"Is this better?"

She could barely hear the words he spoke so softly. "What do you mean?"

"In bloke mode. Is it better?"

"God, Eddie, no. You looked amazing tonight." Her hands paused,

hesitating at his shoulder blades. She could feel him trembling under

her touch and she wondered at it.

He pulled away, reaching for the mug of tea on the table in front of

them, drinking deep and studying the ring the mug had left. "You

wouldn't tell me the truth anyway. A bloke in a skirt... what was I

thinking?" He scrubbed a hand over his face. "She didn't laugh, not

at first. She just looked at me. I should have seen it in her eyes,

my reflection. Or when we walked down the street together. But I was

too focused on the show – and I'm used to it. It wasn't until

after...." He sniffed, rubbed his nose with the handkerchief. "I

suppose I should have talked to her about it first. I just didn't

think. There was a note in my dressing room when I finished. I

should have let it go... but I tried to find her. And I did, in a

restaurant . She was flirting with the opening act. She saw me,

through the window. She turned to him, said something. They both

looked at me. And laughed." He shivered and curled in on himself,

sneezing. "hehishht! Heeeh... chhhht! Ehchht!"

"Salud," Beth said softly, one hand resting lightly at the center of

his back. She could see him, rain dripping in his eyes, down the back

of his neck, standing alone in front of the window. Inside, where it

was warm and bright, a beautiful woman laughed with a handsome man.

Simple. She reached out, wrapped her arms around him and rested her

cheek on his back, listening to him breathe.

"Don't," he whispered.

"What?"

"Just don't..." He moved as though to pull away. Beth loosened her

hold, but turned him to face her.

His cheeks were damp, and he wouldn't meet her gaze. Gently she

cupped his chin. "Eddie," she said. "Look at me." Slowly he looked

up, blue locked with green. "You are beautiful. Now, but especially

before." She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. He tasted of

mint. For a second he tensed, but then his arms came up, fingers

tangled in her hair, pulling her closer.

"Stay with me," he whispered against her neck.

"Always."

~ fin

[Lynne]

*sigh*.... *swoon*.... no words... ok I'm done

[Sapphire]

That's hot.

[hellagood]

I adore Eddie Izzard and Dressed to Kill is absolutely hilarious. I love the story, and thanks so much for tackling a unique fandom like this.

"Now remember kids, Jesus died for our sins."

"Yeah, I know, its great!"

"No, no its bad, very bad."

"Whatever you want, just keep giving me these chocolate eggs!"

[JellyBelly]

awesome

[Enkidom]

As soon as I saw the title, I thought "that's an Eddie Izzard quotation". Very well written Frick - Eddie is class!

[Lynne]

Would now be the right time to admit I've no clue who Eddie Izzard is?

[justmehere]

Would now be the right time to admit I've no clue who Eddie Izzard is?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Don't feel bad, Lynne. I didn't know who he was either. I looked him up and found this in case you are interested...

Cake or Death: An Eddie Izzard site

Frick - Although I read the story before looking up who Eddie Izzard actually was, I still enjoyed the story immensely. Wonderfully written!

[SeaHeart]

Thank you! I loved it! Very, very, yummy...

[Guest Tingle]

HUGE EDDIE FAN!!! As soon as I saw the title i had to check it out and i'm so glad i did!

Thanks, great story!

~Ting.

"Sir!....It's the rebels...they're here!

Good God man!...Do they want tea?

No...i think it's a little more serious than that Sir..they've brought a flag."

[tma]

Very very nice- I read it on another site semi-recently- and was going to respond there- but hadn't gotten to it. *blush* I had Wondered if that was you- now I know.

There was just that *something* that is pure frack. Great story- didn't know about Izzard- but it was still fab. - sensual and tender. Thanks!!

[Sternuto]

I have developed.... a manuever!

Eddie ROCKS! I havent laughed that much from a stand up show... well... since early George Carlin.

Robin Williams did a pretty good show a couple of years ago. Well after Eddies.

[justmehere]

Ironically, I was just flipping through channels on TV just now and stopped on The Tonight Show, and guess who was talking? It was Eddie Izzard. I only recognized him because I just looked him up today having read this story.

I missed all of the interview except for the last minute. The very last thing that Jay said to him after thanking him for coming on was "..hope you get over your allergies."

It made me sit up straighter! I've no idea what was said before that, but they obviously mentioned allergies at some point during the interview.

I live in the Central time zone and I know the The Tonight Show (and most other shows) airs later in the Pacific and Mountain time zones, so anyone in the US that is in one of those time zones still has a chance to watch tonight if reading this before it airs.

I just thought it was ironic that he was on tonight. I would put this in the Media section if I knew he sneezed, but I only know that allergies were mentioned. Sorry I didn't see the whole thing so I could report!

[Just Older]

Excellent story, Frick. You're very good.

Raiyne

[Umeko]

wow, that was an amazing story! I like it

[Geist]

There was just that *something* that is pure frack. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Um, really? Too bad FRICK wrote it and not me!

LOVELY story, Frick, my darling nutjob. TERRIBLY hot and loving.....I do hope there may be a sequel in the future!

[tma]

d'oh!!!! *slaps forehead*

Sorry *big blush(*

Am still enjoying it nonetheless. A thousand pardons to frick. And note to frick that if more inspiration comes- please post more. thanks

[Geist]

Hehehehe.....no worries. We actually DO have a similar writing style....could be due to the fact that we have known each other for 8 years!

~Frack

[tma]

Hehehehe.....no worries.  We actually DO have a similar writing style....could be due to the fact that we have known each other for 8 years! 

~Frack

that would tend to do it. I have good friend that I've been accused of sharing a brain with- so I know how that would work. (besides naughty, silly, and fun thoughts are more fun when shared )

[Frick]

Holy hell is this late - but I was just thinking about this story the other day (contemplating a sequel). And so I searched it out... and discovered that I'd gotten all of this lovely feedback... and never thanked anyone! Bad author; no biscuit! Here's hoping I can be forgiven. I am sorry for being such horrible receiver of feedback.

Thank you all for your comments. Two years late. To make it up? A sequel soon.

[Guest]

Yay! A sequel would be a amazing - I read this ages ago and thought it was fantastic. I'm a big EI fan anyway, so it was great to see the title appear.

[TeaParty]

Awww, poor Eddie . Nice story, keep it up!

[March Hare]

A SEQUEL?! To one of, no, maybe THE ultimate favourite of all my favourite stories in the Archive? Darling, I LOVE you! And I LOVE your work... and I LOVE your style... and I... will stop gushing like an idiot now.

Seriously though, this is one of the loveliest stories I've ever read, sneezefic or no...

[Guest sneezgrrl]

Glad you bumped this because I had not read it before. Wonderful story! Absolutely LOVED it! And a sequel would be great!! Seriously, this was so well written I feel like I could see the characters. Thank you for sharing it!

A SEQUEL?! To one of, no, maybe THE ultimate favourite of all my favourite stories in the Archive? Darling, I LOVE you! And I LOVE your work... and I LOVE your style... and I... will stop gushing like an idiot now.

Seriously though, this is one of the loveliest stories I've ever read, sneezefic or no...

[I am 10 Ninjas]

I hadn't read this story until now, but boy am I glad I did! I totally have the hots for Eddie Izzard and I think you really managed to capture his humor in this. Very creative and very good writing. Please please please please please write that sequel! You can't tease me like this!