Five Times Ransom Pissed Everybody Off With His Sneeze (And One Time He Didn't) 1/6 (Knives Out, m)

[Mr. Black Cherry Berry Tea]

Hi, here's a fic inspired by tumblr. It features Ransom Drysdale from Knives Out having stupidly loud sneezes, because apparently the only thing I can finish sneezefic wise is a Chris Evans character with outrageous sneezing. I do have a whole 5 + 1 planned out... this one came out pretty easily so if the rest of them are this easy to write, there will be a whole series but.... no promises lol.

---

   

“Do we have to talk politics?” Joni asked, her fingers tensed, her eyes rolling as she walked rather briskly to the drink cart. “It’s not that I’m not willing it’s just it’s so contentious and I’m a little concerned about that kind of energy—”

“No, no, no Joni,”—Richard cutting in now, his words stretching longer in the way all of him seemed to extend and elongate when he was drunk, as though he forgot Linda and Harlan were watching and expecting—”No, Joni, you don’t get to throw stones and then hide your hand, if you say something about our President, I’m gonna say something back.”

“Now, now, Richard,”—The aforementioned Harlan—”I think we can all agree the President—”

“Our President, Harlan, our President, I’m not saying I like him but I’m saying he’s our—”

“N-now… now come on Richard”—Walt, briefly, before being steamrolled by—

“Richard, I think I’d like a change of subject now—” Linda, ordinarily authoritative enough to end the line of inquiry altogether, but apparently not tonight.

“Well I wouldn’t, Linda. I wouldn’t like a change of subject, and for that matter...” (Richard, elongated as though he forgot Linda and Harlan…)

“How boring,” Ransom said in an aside. Marta happened to be walking by, picking up Richard’s emptied drink, and Joni’s recently downed one. It wasn’t actually her job to provide maid service for these people but they seemed to expect it and Harlan encouraged it and they really were so generous.

So it was to Marta that Ransom delivered his aside, though it wasn’t really to her—it might as well have been to the drink cart, or the grandfather clock, or the nonexistent camera over his shoulder. Ransom was the sort of man who walked around as though there could always be a camera over his shoulder. In fairness, Ransom was also the sort of man cameras commonly followed around. He’d very nearly committed to at least two reality tv shows, mostly to annoy his family. He’d gotten his current sports car upon backing out of a reality tv show. It was too bad he was too old to start a YouTube channel. He was still waiting to see what he could get out of revealing Jacob’s channel to the family, whether it would be better to threaten Jacob with its reveal to his parents, his parents with its reveal to to the family, or perhaps the family as a whole with a leak to… whatever random book-related website might find that gossip interesting. Maybe just Reddit.

Marta was just about to respond, to perhaps engage Ransom in conversation. She had it on good authority--Harlan’s--that she could be good company to a Thrombey or a Drysdale. Everyone seemed rather wary of Ransom, but aside from his aversion to the dogs, Marta had no reason to think ill of him, and so tried to assume the best of him. And---she could admit somewhat blushingly---he certainly wasn’t unattractive. She could see how, in her younger, sillier days how she might nurse a bit of crush on him, the wealthy prince charming and the maid---although she was not a maid, no matter how they treated her, she was a well-trained professional, dammit---

But before she could speak, Ransom’s face suddenly underwent some sort squishing, snorting motion. His long nose scrunched up short as he took in a sharp sniff, nearly a snort. His eyes closed for a moment, and a smile played on his lips. “This’ll be fuhh-hun,” he said in half a whisper, airy breathing infusing and interrupting his murmur.

Marta tilted her head to the side, curious what Ransom could be referring to, until she saw his nose, which was twitching: once, then twice. A heavy sniff, then another, then two in a row, then a long one, for all the world like fanning a flame (a flame, as she would come to realize, to light a fuse, to burn down to an explosion...)

It was around this moment that Ransom abruptly stood, and she could not help but notice how broad his shoulders were, as his eyes fluttered, and his chest began to swell. His nose was starting to pinken around the nostrils, the flaring and scrunching continuing, his arms falling slack. The creak of his chair as he stood brought everyone’s attention towards him, and as they noticed the bizarre ritual Ransom was performing or enduring.

“Oh, god, Ransom, not this again…” (Linda, eyes rolling)

“Ransom, Ransom buddy, Ransom please...” (Richard, hands waving)

“Is he going to do that screaming thing again, I’m leaving the room---” (Joni, hands raising towards her ears)

“Leaving the room won’t do her much good.” (Harlan, with a bit of a snicker in his voice)

Ransom was starting to vocalize now, little “hehhhH… hEHHHhh…” sounds that sounded as though they were either being dragged out of him or as though he was dragging them out himself, perhaps both. His head was tilting back, that chest looking larger than ever as it stretched and air flowed in and his long nose scrunched and his mouth hung open in a tall O and his back arched and hands went over ears and then one last voiceless gasp in… “huuuUUHH!”

“HHHHEEYYY-SSHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” 

Ransom sprang forward, giving vent to what was plainly a titanic sneeze to begin with, let alone his leaning into it, relishing it, and then on top of that, as the sneeze went on it seemed to turn into a pure, guttural yell, his voice roughening in an obviously voluntary way. It sounded as though the sort of scream one might hear on a hardcore metal record was riding the rails of an involuntary, massive rush of air, and Marta couldn’t help but frown as a visible spray was ejected from Ransom’s face along with the helter skelter noise, but she could hardly notice the spray since, standing closest to the blast, her ears were assaulted worst with Ransom’s screaming sneeze or sneeze-flavored scream, whatever it was, and she dearly wished she’d followed the family’s example and plugged her ears.

The sneeze tapered off at last, and Ransom--who’d doubled over with the blast--bounced back up, face reddened from exertion, practically beaming. Or at least he would have been beaming, were his nose not already scrunching…

“Whew! Big wuhh-hunn…” He was presumably celebrating his sneeze, congratulating himself on a “big one” although the urge had not yet left him entirely, and it seemed another sneeze was one its way. Joni was just walking back into the room as he went into his sniffing routine again.

“Jesus! Ransom you’re gonna give your grandfather a heart attack…” she huffed, before seeing him building towards another sneeze, spinning on her heel and promptly marching out of the room again.

(Harlan, for his part, was chuckling.)

“S-suhh… sorry guys, think I gotta sn-sneeze again…” he warned, breath catching as he actively tilted his head back, presumably seeking some sort of light to look into. His eyes were tearing slightly as he fanned one hand in the general direction of his nose, perhaps… attempting to spark another sneeze by fanning dust at himself? He smiled as he could the whole way, clearly enjoying this performance.

“What the hell, kiddo, didn’t we tell you about your whole yelling routine…” Richard grumbled, making a move to walk towards Ransom but clearly thinking better of it as Ransom’s breath caught yet again.

“Ransom!” His mother interjected. 

“You’re not a kid, you get allergy shots, I don’t know why you put on this whole production…” (Richard again)

“Ransom stop that this instant, you know the neighbors called the police last time they thought someone was in here being murdered.” (Linda)

“Shh, shh, shh, you’ll make it go away… ooh, I can feel it…” (Ransom, giggling)

The rest of them were rolling their eyes, plugging their ears, shuffling away from the scene---Marta heard a door slam, clearly Joni wasn’t risking being within the house for Ransom’s next explosion.

Meanwhile Ransom seemed to have clinched the sneeze, no longer trying to coax it out but surrendering to it, preparing for it, getting ready to ride the wave and rattle the rafters… he held up his hand, and put his fingers down one by one, his giggling nearly putting him off his sneeze again as he counted down to the sneeze: five fingers, four, three, two... and just as he had one finger left up, he gave another of those great airy voiceless pulls with his flared nostrils and slack mouth and…

“EEEYYYYYYYYAAAA-SSSHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

This one was less a heavy metal growl and more a pure scream, perhaps inspired by his mother’s mention of murder, as it bent higher pitched towards the end, and Marta couldn’t help but think she wouldn’t have imagined such a large man could reach such a high pitch.

Once again Ransom pitched forward, staying bent over, hands over his face this time as he pushed out the sneeze, dragging it out beyond all necessity, but clearly enjoying it. He popped up again, “whew! Think I got the itch out that time!” He said, beaming like a child pleased to have gotten away with something naughty, before he screwed his face up again, “W-well, I think I got it…”

“Ransom, stop it, I know you’re just putting it on this time, I can tell.” Linda said, although this time she was chuckling a bit. Harlan was outright laughing, although he rolled his eyes as he said “you’ve outdone yourself.”

Marta had prepared adequately for this one, fingers plugging her ears, but she was still rather distracted by the whole affair. She’d never seen anyone sneeze quite so dramatically. Still, he seemed to have some measure of control over the whole affair; standing behind him, she couldn’t help but notice the sheen of his hands, practically glistening with the moisture from the sneeze, before he wiped them roughly on his pants. Clearly this sneeze had been much… juicier, she thought with an alarmed frown. Ransom must have anticipated that, ergo the hands tented around his nose as he’d howled out that last sneeze. 

“You done yelling at us, buddy?” Richard asked, clearly irritated. His son had managed to take up even more space than he did, after all. Practically took up all the space in the house; certainly there wasn’t a room in the house (or on the grounds altogether, practically) that Ransom’s sneezes couldn’t be heard. 

“Yeah Dad, sorry.” Ransom said, his childish grin replaced with a more adolescent smirk, his eyes cutting over towards the couch where his father sat. “Just had a tickle in my nose.” His voice grew brighter, though no less mocking, as he looked over at Marta, who once again could have been a drink cart, a grandfather clock, a camera for all it mattered. He tilted his head at her, and adopted what might have been a boyish pout (if his face weren’t so smug) to say:

 “Allergies, you know. I can’t help it.”

 

Edited January 31, 2020 by Mr. Black Cherry Berry Tea

[beatlelover22]

Honestly, I thoroughly enjoyed this. Of course, Ransom’s character sort of sucks in the film universe but I do love Chris Evans. You captured everyone's characters perfectly and I absolutely LOVED the parentheticals Can wait to read the next installments! 

[matilda3948]

Yay for "Knives Out" fics!!!

[rockbell]

this is sooo good!! can't wait to read the rest!!

[VividBubbles!]

Hell yeah, Knives Out was a rad movie and Chris Evans was so good in it. This was amazing and also perfectly in character for Ransom. Can't wait to read more!

[2SHY222]

I loved this movie and this fic is everything and more. 😍

[Hovercuke]

Please keep going! I love what you’ve got so far!

[Mr. Black Cherry Berry Tea]

And here at last is part 2. Forgive me if the writing isn't up to snuff. At least the sneezing is copious, lol. Oh also I don't know how medicine works so idk suspend your disbelief pls and thx.

---

Marta was in the middle of cooking breakfast for her mother when her phone rang.

 

For a moment, when Marta saw the name pop up on her phone, her heart raced. Was she late for Harlan’s? She looked at the time for a second before she answered. No, she wasn’t late so… why was he calling nearly two hours before she was due to arrive?

 

“Good morn—” Marta began, but Harlan cut in before she could finish.

 

“I’m so sorry to trouble you dear but—oh gods—”

 

His voice suddenly cut off, as though he’d taken the phone from his ear. And then she heard over the line something that sounded like a cross between an extremely violent exorcism and the wildly enthuiastic mating call of some exotic mammal.

 

“Will you cut out that racket for twelve seconds? Maybe then I could get you some relief but…”

 

And there it was again, an unearthly roar. Only this time it didn’t come alone. There were two, three, four, five. Marta pulled her phone away from her ear. What on earth was hapening at Harlan’s house? At last, the roaring ceased, and she put the phone back to her ear as she heard Harlan.

 

“Dear, if you could, can you come by earlier than your usual time? And… does that nurses’ bag contain any sort of antihisti—no, no don’t come over here…”

 

And then another of those terrible eruptions, clearly closer to the reciever this time, so loud Marta yanked the phone away from her ears as a great rush of static and sound came through, came thorugh so loudly she was surprised she didn’t see sparks exploding from her phone. And all at once, she realized she could make out what was happening, although it hardly seemed possible…

 

“HOOOOOOOORRRRSSSHHHHH!!”

 

Was it… a sneeze?

 

“Harlan… is that… is that your grandson…?”

 

And it wasn’t Harlan who answered, with a weary sniff and a clearly stuffed nose, but Ransom who commanded. “Come here. Now. Bring some a-ahhh.. ahhhhhh… allergahhhhh… hHAHHHHHH…”

 

She had the good sense to pull the phone from her ear before the eruption this time:

 

“HHHHAATTCCHHHAAAAAAAA!!”

 

But unfortunately, she brought the phone back to her ear just in time for a shorter but still impossibly louder:

 

“HHAAEESSHHH!! Fuck. Come now. Bring allergy mehhhhh…hehhHHHH…HEHHHHHHHH….”

 

And then she the first screaming start of another “EEYYY—” before the phone clicked silent.

 

Well, apparently she was heading to Harlan’s. Antihistimines in tow.

 

—

 

“Oh thank God, finally. Just… please get him some meds and get him…”

 

“AAARRRRSSSSHHHHHHOOOOO!!”

 

“Please shut him—”

 

“EEYYYSSSSHHHH!!”

 

“Oh god—”

 

“AAEEESSSHHHH!! HAAEEEESSSSHHHHH!!”

 

Walt made some sort of wordless throat sound then, but Marta was very clear that it was intended to convey frustration.

 

“EERRRRRSSSHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!! FUCK!”

 

Marta took a moment to make a mental note that apparently Ransom couldn’t yell fuck nearly as loudly as he could sneeze, though he still yelled fuck quite loudly.

 

“Please, please get him doped up on something. We’re trying to have a meeting about the damn company and every three seconds he’s doing that. Please. I’m on my last nerve and I didn’t have that many to start with, eh? You’re such a lifesaver.” Walt said, and Marta took a moment to wonder how his speech could sound simultaneously so laconic and so hurried, and how he ensured she could get not a single word in edgewise, such that before she could so much as agree to his request, he was heading back towards Harlan’s study. But before he could, Ransom came swaggering down the stairs.

 

Of course he was gearing up for a sneeze.

 

“I’m sorry if I’m an inconvenience t-to you… to… huhh… HAARRSSHHHH!! But you have no idea what this is like, no idea, and I’m not going to try to h-hold back and be puhhh… poliiihhhhh… sneeze! AAARRRSSSSHHHHHOOO!! Damnit! That one hurt…”

 

To Marta, it seemed as though it must hurt

 

“If I’m gonna sneeze, I’m gonna do it hard enough to get the fucking itch out at least for a goddamned second, and if you don’t like that Uncle Walt then fuhhhh… fuuhhhHHUUHHHH… HUUUUUUUSSSHHHHH-HHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

 

He could have finished the “fuck you” he was obviously headed towards, but Marta thought the death metal scream he let out with that sneeze served much the same purpose.

 

“You,” he said, pointing at Marta. “Upstairs with me, n-nahhh… now.” For a moment it seemed Ransom was going to sneeze again, but he reached up with a wrist and scrubbed at his nose viciously, pulling his thumb across the left nostril harshly before returning to knuckle at the right nostril, as though he were trying to wrestle the sneeze into submission. Still, as they ascended the stairs, clearly headed towards Harlan’s study, it seemed it was a losing battle.

 

“Guhhh… so fucking sick of sneehh…” Ransom muttered to himself. Marta had to resist the urge to reach up and pat his shoulder. They weren’t close, weren’t friends even. But it sure seemed like he was suffering.

 

And then all at once he gave up the struggle.

 

“Ah, fuck.” Ransom said, before stopping on the stairs so abruptly that Marta nearly bumped into him. “huhhhh.. HUUUUuhhh…” he panted towards the next sneeze. Marta was just glad she stopped in time, as she probably would have run smack-dab into his rear end when he doubled over with another bellowing: “HHHAAAAAA-CCHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

 

“Bless—” Marta started, but she was cut off.

 

“HUH! HUURRRSSSSHHHHAAaaaahhhh!”

 

“Bless—”

 

“EEEYYYASSSSHHHH!!”

 

“Oh, my bless—”

 

“St-stop trying to blehh… HEEEYYYYYSSSHHHHhhhoooo!!”

 

Marta just stood, uncertain of what to say or do.

 

“Is that it? I think… or… oh fuck, oh fuck. oh fuck I gottaaaaahhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAARRRRRRSSSSSHHHHHH-OOOOOOHHH!!”

 

He absolutely blasted out what was the loudest sneeze Marta had heard from him yet, very nearly as loud as the “augmented” sneezes he delivered at that dinner.

 

“God DAMN it!” Ransom exclaimed, and flung his fist out against the wall, very nearly hitting Marta behind him.

 

“Hey!” she exclaimed.

 

“What.” He said, whirling on her, face thunderous. But by degrees he seemed to come to himself, his usual grin slowly spreading across his face, though it seemed stretched and thin. “Sorry, I just. Hate these fucking allergies. And sorry if I… spray you or something else disgusting like that just… just do me a favor and don’t say anything, huh? If I do anything really gross I’ll buy you a car or something.”

 

Marta wasn’t sure how seriously to take that; he probably didn’t have the funds to buy a car on his own. But she was familiar with the noblesse oblige of this family. If he did sneeze on her, which, by the fact that he mentioned it suggested he’d done such a thing before, he probably would at the least send her a very nice poorly explained fruit basket, or some concert tickets. The latter might not be bad. At least she could resell them.

 

“And stop trying to bless me.” He further instructed, though he was obviously trying for jocular or conspiratorial. The gruffness of his voice meant that he missed it by a mile, but he tried.

 

“Trust me you’ll run out of bless yous before I run out of snehh… oh fuck not agaahhhh… again… AAASSSSHHHHHhhhuuhhhh!!”

 

“Bless—”

 

Ransom just looked at her, and raised a weary eyebrow.

 

They had reached Harlan’s study, and he even opened the door for her as she entered. “Thanks.” she said quietly.

 

“Don’t worry about it. Just… get me those shots as quick as you can.”

 

“I thought we’d start with tablets, I have something prescription—”

 

“Shots. Now.” He interrupted as he flung himself down on Harlan’s couch, limbs akimbo, one leg on the coffee table, one arm slung over the back of the couch. Marta couldn’t help but notice the bulk of him. He wasn’t remarkably tall, and he didn’t immediately read as the body builder type but… he had very broad shoulders, and a broad chest. A body probably built by years of expensive personal trainers. Ransom was the type of man who probably always wanted to be the most beautiful person in the room. If muscles were part of that, he’d get muscles. If it was fashion, he’d buy fashion. Attention, without asking for it, was the goal.

 

“AAASSSHHHHHOOOOO!! Fuck, hurry up, hurry I feel more comin… hehhh… damb dogs…”

 

“Of course.” Marta said, rifling through her bag.

 

“So I take it you use a strong antihistimine on a regular basis? I’m not—”

 

“HEEEAASSSHHHHH!! EEEEASSSSSHHHH!! aahhhhhh… HHAAEESSSHHH! Jesus, y-yes I tahh… take allergy shots, yes I kn-know this isn’t a suhhh… substitute for my prescription, I juhhh… huhhhh…. just n-need somethihhhh… somethiihhHHHHH… something NOW…” he said, knuckling and pressing under his nose again, scrubbing so hard Marta almost thought to tell him to move his hand and just let himself sneeze, she didn’t mind, she’d seen plenty of sneezing, but something told her that for all he talked about his allergies, he’d much prefer she keep her commentary to herself.

 

“hhheeeeyyYYYYAAAAAAAASSSHHOOOOOO!!” he erupted, with a huge sneeze that made his limbs all fly forward, keeping his seat on the couch while the rest of him stretched out and nearly collapsed into a ball before he unwound from the sneeze, letting his head fall back onto the couch arm with a heavy sigh.

 

“God. Damn.” He grouched. “ARGH.” He huffed. “Stupid fucking…” he cursed.

 

Clearly he needed a sympathetic ear. Marta honestly wasn’t sure that she really wanted to listen to Ransom whine—poor little rich kid, acting like allergies were the worst thing ever to happen to a person—but she took one look at him, looking pissed, petulant and pitiful on the couch, and she couldn’t help but take some pity.

 

“Sounds like you’re really suffering over there.” Marta said gently.

 

As expected, this opened the floodgates: “God, you have no fucking idea, pardon my French. this is why I take the damn shots in the first place, I’ve just been… I’ve been busy and I haven’t had time to go to damn doctor and… I thought I had more time, I really did. But the damn allergies just go from zero to fucking sixty, and it’s worse at Harlan’s… of all the times for my fucking allergies to go nutso, it has to be while I’m here, when I crash overnight at my grandfather’s, cause it was close to… well it doesn’t matter what it was close to, but… listen, uh uh… don’t tell me…”

 

Was he… was he asking for her name?

 

“Marta?” she said, almost incredulous that after all this time, years, that he’d been around her, he didn’t know her name?

 

“Yeah, listen, Marta,” he plowed on, as though he hadn’t just asked for the name of a person he’d known for years, “I… like sneezing, you know? Who doesn’t like an excuse to randomly shout. Plus, you saw, the way my family reacts, it’s funny… oh shit, I shouldn’t have talked about… I’m gonna… I… HHEEESSSHHHHHHOOOoooo! Ah, fuck. Big one.” He pawed around in his pockets, pulling out a clearly bedraggled set of tissues and blowing his nose before he continued. “Sneezing is fine. But this… I’m a fucking mess. And it doesn’t help that Walt is down there bitching about some damn meeting… like I can help it! So I’m a little loud when I sneeze! My fucking face is staging a rebellion, my goddamn nose wants to fall…”

 

Marta turned towards him then, as he trailed off suddenly, and then wished he’d provided his usual warning when he screamed out a surprisingly high pitched “AAAHHHHHHHSSHHHTTCHHHH! God damn it, it just… it fucking itches…” He set to his nose again, squishing and rubbing and pressing and downright attacking it as though that would prevent further sneezes, when on present evidence it was clear it wouldn’t. He pulled out the tissues again and gave a loud, honking nose blow into one that almost rivaled his sneezes in volume.

 

“Jesus. I can’t stop sneezing, Marta. And it sucks.”

 

“Well,” Marta cut in, syringe in the solution she needed, “this should help. Just roll up your sleeve, I’ll inject your right arm.”

 

“Ah, fuck, thank you. You’re my hero.” He said, and even with his red nose rubbed raw and red-rimmed eyes, she could see how he could be a hell of a charmer, when he wanted to be.

 

“Just uh… I need you to not sneeze while the needle’s in your arm, so… do you feel one coming now?”

 

“I always ‘feel one coming’.” He said, a little gruff. But his tone softened a bit as he added, “I can usually fight it off, don’t worry.” He sat up on the couch and rolled up his sleeve as he spoke, revealing a slightly tanned, extremely toned bicep.

 

“Alright, here we go then.” Marta said, giving it a second, just to make sure his face didn’t scrunch with a sneeze. She cleaned the arm quickly with an alcohol swab and then inserted the needle.

 

It seemed as soon as she did his face scrunched, and she was surprised he didn’t jerk his arm. His left hand came up to his nose, and he went into his routine of itching and rubbing. Marta quickly wrapped up the shot, and even had time to apply a bandaid before he shot forward to his feet with a huge “HHHEEEEAAAATTSSSCCCHHHHooooo! Ah fuck, you have no idea how bad I needed that.”

 

Whether he was talking about the shot or the sneeze Marta wasn’t sure, but before she could ask he was already sneezing again.

 

“EEEEYYYASSHHH! AAAAAIIISSSHHH! AAASSSSSHHH!”

 

“Are you okay? You’re sneezing more now than you were before?”

 

“No I always sn-sneeze for a while right… s-sorry—HAAAEESSHHH! YEASSSHHHH! hhaahhhh… HOOOOOOSSSHHHH! Fuck. -sniff- I always sneeze a ton right after the shot, just on and off. I’m sure it’s working.” He was outright panting now, and she could barely tell the difference between how his chest heaved in the aftermath of a sneeze and how it heaved in preparation for one.

 

They sat in silence for a bit, Ransom having pulled out his cell phone, Marta going through her bag, setting up for Harlan. They didn’t talk anyway, though any silence they might have had was punctured by Ransom’s sneezes. But they already seemed to be getting further apart, Ransom a bit more respite in between sneezes, though he seemed to sneeze more in a row when they did hit.

      At length, he looked over at Marta and spoke: “It’s Harlan’s fault I sneeze so loud, you know.”

      “Hm?” She was curious how exactly this could be blamed on Harlan. She’d heard him sneeze before and it wasn’t the quietest thing in the world, but Marta didn’t know if all the heritability in the world could explain Ransom’s one-man-orchestra of a sneeze.

      He must have noticed her skepticism, because he rolled his eyes and straightened up on the couch a bit, having spread out again. He made eye contact, sniffed heavily and knuckled at his nose again, but when he spoke he had a warm, engaging tone. “No, really. It’s Harlan. When I was younger, I had these really bad allergies. And my nose would get so bunged up with snot—I know that’s gross, sorry—but the point is, it would run and shit and then I would sneeze and it would make a huge mess and my dad would complain and my mother would try to make apologies for me but that was worse because it was so obvious I’d shamed her just cause I couldn’t control my stupid nose. Well, anyway long story short Harlan doesn’t exactly have the world’s quietest sneeze either, and one day he took me aside and told me how when you sneeze, you can kinda just… push it through your mouth? And it’s really loud but it doesn’t make nearly as much mess. Plus,” he flashed a classic Ransom smirk, “like I said, it’s an excuse to yell in public. And nobody can even get mad because aller… shit. A-allergehhhh.. hehhhhh… fuck, it’s cuhh… huhhhhh… HUUUUUUHHH…

      HAAHH-HHOOOOOOOOOOOOORRSSHH!!”

      It was a full on cartoon sneeze buildup, Ransom’s shoulder’s hiking up higher as his breath hitched in more and more air, his face contorting into a desperate grimace before he blasted out the sneeze, true to his word mostly just a roar of air out of his mouth, though he couldn’t help a bit of messy-sounding splash from escaping his nose at the end. His allergy sneezes really were nearly as loud as the ones he screamed out on purpose. Sometimes he exaggerated them, but Ransom clearly was in possession of a truly violent sneeze reflex. Maybe they didn’t have to be so rocketingly loud and there was certainly a lot of performance that attended his sneeze, but it did seem like trying to stifle or choke back one of those monsters would be painful.

“I get it. I had allergies too.” Marta surprised herself by saying. “I uh… obviously didn’t find the same solution as you but. When I first moved up here—”

 

“To America?” Ransom asked, without looking at her.

 

Marta couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “To Massachusetts!” she barely restrained herself from adding “you idiot” on the end there, but she caught herself at the last moment. “I was born in California.” He just shrugged in response. “And the pollen is different there,” she continued, “I came up here and for the first few years, every spring, it drove me crazy.”

 

“I’m allergic to basically everything. Pollen, dander, dust, you name it. I get heavy duty antihistimines on top of my monthly shots, but they haven’t renewed my ‘scrip. Hey, can you help me? I bet I got the name of the medicine on my phone somewhere…”

 

As he said that, Harlan came through the door, smiling.

 

“Well, our little miracle worker. I think we went ten minutes without the air raid siren going off.”

 

Ransom just waved off Harlan, still stretched out across the couch, while Harlan took a seat in a large chair. Marta noticed he was smiling.”

 

“I’m just up here to check on you two. And to get away from your uncle,” Harlan added winkingly. “I don’t think he could make those meetings duller if he were actively trying. Plus he’s on edge because of… this morning.”

 

“Ah fuck him,” Ransom chimed in.

 

“I’m not blaming you Ransom. It’s not your fault you have allergies.”

 

“Yeah, it’s not.”

 

“But Walt certainly blames him. I can’t say I’m glad per se,” Harlan continued, looking at Marta now, “But it was certainly the least boring that damnable meeting has been in months. Mabye years!”

 

Ransom sniffed, “Harlan, did you—” he sniffed again, hard. “Fuck, were you playing with the d-duhhh…”

 

“Oh, yes the dogs were with us downstairs…”

 

“Dammit, you’re probably c-covered in… fuck I’m gonna sneeze… I… HHAAEEEEESSSHHH!! You’re probably covered in dog fur, oh geez that’s really gonna make me sneeze…”

 

“Ah, sorry, I can leave—”

 

“No point now. Shit.” Ransom was sitting up now, looking anxious. “I was hoping this wouldn’t happen til I left, or I could avoid the little bastards.”

 

“I wouldn’t worry too much, that antihistimine shot I gave you is pretty strong…”

 

“No, you don’t understand, it never works, it takes like two hours before it stops and that whole time it’s like… there’s not as much but when I do sneeze…”

 

“He’s likely to blow your ears out.” Harlan intervened.

 

“Maybe getting out of the house would help? I don’t know if your outdoor allergies are as severe…”

 

“What the fuck? What are you gonna do kick me out of the house for sneezing? It’s not even your house.” Ransom groused.

 

“That’s not what I meant at all—” Marta began, but she was stopped short by Ransom raising a hand.

 

“Ah fuck,” he said, and though his voice didn’t quaver, the sudden scrunch of his nose and the sharp breath he snatched in told Marta what he was going to say before he could. “I’m gonna sneeze, I mean really…” his voice started to shake then with the oncoming sneeze, “gonna fuuuhhcckin… sneeehheeze…” he said, breath curling in his voice as he launched into a wild, gasping buildup.

 

“Warning, Marta,” Harlan said, finally seeming to enjoy himself somewhat, if only because now at least he had a fellow-sufferer in Ransom’s allergic bombardments, “I’d listen if I were you: when he says he’s really gonna fucking sneeze, he’s *really* going to fucking sneeze.” Despite the chortle in Harlan’s voice, Marta decided to take his advice more seriously than his tone. She clearly didn’t want to be in the blast zone for this one.

 

“YEEEASSSSSHHHHHH!!!” the first sneeze was a wild, raucous thunderclap that sent Ransom diving double so hard that he nearly stumbled off the couch, catching himself to stand at the last moment before he fell, only to double back over with another roar: “AAARRRRSSCCHHH! hehhhh… HHEEEEASSSSHHHHHOOOooooo! eeeEEYYYAASSSHHHHHHHOOOooooo… HEEEIIISSHHH! EIIISSHH! ESSHHH! ESSSHH! ESHHH! ESSHHH! yyyyEESHHHH! ha… HHAA-EESSHHH! EIIISSHHH! AEEESSHH! AEESSHHHHuuuhhh! AEESSHHHhhuuhhh! hhh-hhAAAAAAEESSSHHHHHH-OOO! aaaaAAEEESSHHHH! huhhh… huhhh… h-holy ffuuuuuhhHHHHHHAAEEEESSSHHHHH! yyYYEESSHHHaaaaa… eeEEEYYYEEASHHHHhhhhhhaaa… YYAAAIIIISSSSHHHHHHH!! Goddammihhhhh… I st-still gotta… gottahhHHHEEEHHHH…” The sneezes veered between the sharp, desperate roars of the first few to tight, sharp, painful-sounding barks that surely must have scraped his throat coming out,. The barks were quieter, perhaps because he didn’t have time to get a full breath in before they tumbled out, on each others heels, practically blended together. And then when he had a second to take a breath in… well, Marta was glad she’d gotten the warning. She certainly had never heard such an expressive allergic reaction, Ransom’s sneezes seeming to communicate his frustration, anger, even rage. She couldn’t imagine he enjoyed being at the mercy of his allergies like this. Marta couldn’t imagine anyone enjoying that, including anyone within a hundred feet of the Thrombey house.

 

“Don’t try to talk Ransom, just sneeze it out.” Harlan offered, though the end of what he said was lost as the fit resumed with a sneeze that even Ransom seemed frightened of, if the look of utter, hangdog dread on his face as he wound up to the almighty release was any indication.

 

“HUHH-HHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!” That one was pure, desperate scream, a gnarled, throaty sound that sounded as though it were ripped directly out of his broad chest. Marta could imagine that chest cartoonishly swollen with air, deflating as the sneeze went on, with a visible rush of air as he pushed the sneeze out. She half thought if there were any magazines or papers on the coffee table—he bent over so far his face nearly smacked it—he would have blown them off with the sheer power behind that sneeze. Of course that couldn’t be true, but if any sneeze could have such an impact, it would be one with the vigor and violence of Ransom’s.

 

Of course, even such a masterpiece of a sneeze, if such a thing could be said to exist, couldn’t be sufficient to purge the allergic demands made upon Ransom’s overloaded sinuses. He went into another round of those itchy, violent barks: “AASSHHH!! ESSHHH! HESHHH-EESHHH-ESHSHHH… huhhhh HESSHH! EEESHHH! YyyEESHHHH! YYAAASSSHHH-ASSHHH1-EEYYYYEESSHHHH!!” the sneezes ran together now, tumbling out one behind the other without so much as a breath or a pause… “hhhhAASSHHHOOOO! ehhhhhHHH… EEYYYYYYYAASSSSSHHHOOoooo! ASSSHHHOOO! AIIIISSHHH!! YIIIISSHHH! IISSHHHH! HIISSSHHHHHHUuuuuhhh!” The sneezes slid higher and higher in pitch, though they lost nothing in volume for that, if anything growing louder, great hollering screams, though after a moment it seemed the attack was finally starting to taper off, with long, drawn-out sneezes that seemed to take everything out of Ransom, so that Marta couldn’t help but feel sorry for the guy. “hhhhhhhHHHHAASSHHHHHOOOoooo… AAASSSHHHHHHHHHHOOoooo… huhhhh… ohno… huhHHHHH… HHEEEAAASSSHHHHH-HHOOOOOO!! HUH! HUUURRRRRSCCHHOOOOoooo! URRRRSSSHHHHHOOOOOoooooo… f-fuuhhhh… fuckwhywon’tit… ihhhhhh… hiiiieeehhhh… iiieegghhhh… iiieeeeeEEAAAAAAYYYYYYAAAASSSHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! huuuuhhh… HHHHAAAADDDDSSDDDHHHUUUUHHH!! FUCK! HUUUHHhhh… HHHATTSSCCHHHHUuuuhh! HAAADDDDSSHHHUUuuhhh! AAAAAHHHHTTTSSSSHHHHUUUUHhhh… hhhaaDDDDIIISSSHHHHHOOOO!! GGGGGGIIISSSHHHHhhhooooo… ahhh… ahhhhhhh… AHHHHHHHH…. HHAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH… HAHT-CCCCHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSHH!!!”

 

Clealry she was wrong about his allergy sneezes being nearly as bad as his performance sneezes. When he really sneezed, they were worse.

 

Though that last one seemed a bit put on. Maybe it was the only way he knew to cap off a fit. Drama seemed to be in the guy’s blood after all. The way he collapsed back down onto the couch, spread out and panting, suggested much the same.

 

“Think you sneezed for seven minutes straight, kiddo. Might be a new personal best!” Harlan said cheerily, obviously trying to cheer his grandson up. He reached out to pat him on the shoulder, but Ransom roughly pushed him off, expression stormy.

 

“Fuck off old man. It’s your fault and those fucking dogs with their fucking hair all over the place, that’s why I’m… why…” his voice again, and Marta thought she saw in his eyes genuine fear that he’d start sneezing again. But luckily he purged the urge in a lusty, “hheEEEUUUURRRSSHHHHHHhhhoooo!”

 

“Fuck. I gotta get the fuck out of here before it fucking starts again.” He said, face red and puffy with allergies and anger alike. His movements sharp, his eyes darting angrily, he roughly grabbed his jacket and stalked off towards the stairs, muttering under his breath, “damned old man and his maid—” Then Harlan’s face grew stormy as well, and Marta was reminded he could match Ransom hot spark for spark. “Now you get back here Ransom and stop acting like a spoiled child. At the very least say thank you to Marta, my nurse, for—”

 

Ransom stood stock still in the doorway, then swayed side to side for a moment, as though rolling his eyes required his whole frame to sway with it, but then he didn’t move, didn’t speak for a second until again… his shoulders suddenly raised, he took a great breath in, and released: “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH-SSSHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAYY!!” Back to the big performance sneezes. Well, clealry Ransom had recovered sufficiently from his colossal allergy attack to respond to his family with sneezes instead of words again. He stalked off downstairs without another word.

 

Of course, they still heard him sneezing until he was out of the door, and beyond, AAAYYYYY-SHHOOOOOOO!s echoing up the stairs.

 

“Well,” Harlan said after a while, “thank you, Marta, for seeing to my grandson. He can…” he took a moment to choose his words, “he can be a bit sensitive about his allergies. Especially when he gets out of control like that.” Marta nodded, and Harlan beckoned her over to sit at the couch with him. “Still, I apologize for his rudeness. You helped him, he ought to show some gratitude.”

 

“HHHEEIIISHHOOOO!” It was faint still, but still audible as she heard the racket of his ostentatious sports car starting.

 

“It’s fine, Harlan.” Marta said.

 

“No, it’s not, but. Well, take my apologies for him.” Harlan smiled a bit. “In any case, perhaps a game of Go?”

 

“EEEEIIISSHHHOOOO!!” Perhaps Marta was deceiving herself that she’d heard that one over the sound of the engine as he drove off. Perhaps not.

 

“Of course, Harlan.” Marta said simply, and after the disruption of Ransom, they fell back into their routine, Harlan getting out the pieces for Go, Marta pulling supplies from her bag, the day continuing as usual.

Edited May 19, 2020 by Mr. Black Cherry Berry Tea

[Agaba]

This is good! Keep going ❤️

[AntheaHolmes]

This is amazing. Please keep writing more. The way describe his sneezes is amazing. I can feel the itching and hitching.