Is consuming fetish material really as bad as ..."adult entertainment".

[Juniebee]

Hello everyone,

 I don't know if this counts as 18+ because it mentions porn but since its  vague, here we go.

 

We've all heard some of  the ill effects of porn. Whether you are religious or not, excessive porn watching can have consequences, such as ruining your perception of women or making it so a man is not satisfied by his wife, mainly because it sets unrealistic expectations of the act. 

 

Is indulging this fetish the same thing? It can be exciting, but I don't think it ruins my perception of men or sets unrealistic expectations. Its something that could be satisfied by a husband, and its a fetish I naturally have and don't have from consuming fetish material. 

 

Is it the same? Is it different? Can it ruin relationships like excessive porn consumption might?

 

Note: I skipped some of the more serious side effects of watching too much violent porn in order to not have this be moved to the 18+ sub forum.

[polychrome]

I think there's a wide range, just like with the more standard porn. Some material is lighter and fluffier like watching attractive people on a regular TV show or movie, some rated R, and some rated X. (personally, I prefer things to stay pretty much as fluffy as possible most of the time). As for how it affects someone's life and love life, pretty much any behavior can become an intrusive compulsion and cause damage. If you opt to spend most of your time engaging in fetish materials when you have an interested and willing partner around, it seems smart to ask yourself why? If it's for the odd bit of fun when you have some time to relax alone and you feel like the overall balance is healthy, I don't think it's all bad. If you are in between partners and it helps you satisfy your needs, seems like a reasonable choice.  Absent fetishes, many people have fantasies that they may engage with through their imagination or other media. It's all about the degree and the impact it has on your life.

[TheCakeIsAlive]

I also want to make the point that there are is a very wide range of erotica out there. Some may help open up avenues with a partner that otherwise would have been closed, so I wouldn't say it's all bad. 

There is definitely the possibility of getting used to one particular way of getting excited to the exclusion of all others, or creating unrealistic expectations... but I would say as long as you are aware of those possibilities it's much easier to ensure they do not come to pass. 

An excess of any thing has the potential ruin a relationship. At that point we're no longer talking about a healthy relationship with the subject of course. If you are consuming fetish material to the exclusion of other activities with your other half; it takes up an enormous amount of your time, it would be quite understandable if your other half would feel neglected, but you can erase "fetish material" and insert any obsession of your choice and the statement would be equally valid. 

Of course this is a choice every person has to make for themselves, but I personally do not feel that consuming fetish material has had any negative impact on my intimate life with partners. On the contrary, I've found it an enhancement at times.

[Morningsmith]

Definitely agree with what Polychrome and TheCake have said here. I'd also say that we should be careful not to make assumptions about the kinds of lives people want to live when we talk about porn, or fetish material, being damaging. For instance, what if one partner doesn't feel that it's necessary that they should satisfy every aspect of their partner's sexuality, and are happy to let porn/fetish material make up the difference? What about couples who have open relationships, or who use porn together (something lots of same sex couples do)? What about people who have no interest in being part of a couple, and are happy with porn by itself? I understand that porn can be an addiction, and I also know that it can be made under terribly unethical conditions. But  if the people making the porn are being treated fairly, and if the people using the porn are content with its place in their lives, I think it's a good thing rather than a bad one. Ethically I think porn is way superior to a lot of the fetish videos out there, tons of which are made and shared without the consent of the people in them.

[Juniebee]

( Posting here to bump up this thread for more responses. ) 

[ilikesneezes2000]

I like to think it’s not 😅 I personally don’t even like porn, especially hardcore porn. I’m very “vanilla” though. 
 

Sneezing is all I really get off to though tbh but I don’t think it’s as “damaging” as real porn lol. 

[Starlight2337]

It's worth questioning whether porn is inherently "bad" as you say. I don't believe it is. There are some problems with some types of porn, and there are also some people whose behavior with porn is problematic. That doesn't mean that it's bad for people to enjoy porn as a supplement to a healthy social and sexual life. Porn can be great! As can fetish content!  

[Engmanny]

I think it might be just as bad to repress the urges we have in the presence of a vanilla existence in normal life. The material is an outlet for our needs that could in principle improve our day to day relationships as opposed to regret or frustration 

[dodge]

I guess I'll buck the trend with my response and say that I kind of suspect it's "worse." Part of the contemporary mindset is the idea that we should free ourselves from the guilt we carry for participating in "shameful" but ultimately harmless activities. I get it, and I'm all for this, but I think sometimes in embracing this modern philosophy and being aware of the idea of social constructs, we forget emotions like guilt and shame can have a non-cultural, bio-psychological component, meaning there could be an evolutionary reason we feel that way. After all, that's the reason for the majority of our emotionality.

Anyway, I think consuming *too much* of any kind of porn is probably akin to the regular kind of dopamine edging and addiction we all admit to experiencing with technology, especially our phones. I think you're unlikely to be reminded of this in kink communities because given their very nature, we're all tacitly understood to be consuming kink material and we don't want to make each other feel bad. That's not my intention; I'm just saying that sometimes the "don't feel guilty" messaging comes across to me as "consume as much pr0n as you want," and I'm not sure (who knows!) if that's healthy. Personally, I've noticed that the more snz kink stuff I get off too, the less and less other stuff seems to interest me, and my sex life and general intimacy comfort level seems to suffer because real life isn't like YouTube wavs. But we're all different... just my honest and conscientious opinion

[dodge]

To clarify my comment about guilt and shame sometimes being biological, what I mean is that it is generally accepted that negative emotions are not just useless or meaningless feelings to be completely avoided. They're supposed to fulfill a biological function; for example, if you feel anxious that is a lower order brain function to inform you of danger that's supposed to spur you into action. If you feel guilty, that may be because you are behaving in an antisocial or unhealthy manner. Being mentally healthy is not about never feeling negative emotions, but about having a healthy emotional response.

Sometimes, these normal emotions will get hijacked or amplified by irrational conscious beliefs, especially about how others perceive you, and that's what we should avoid. Basically, you shouldn't feel guilty about consuming kink material/porn (that's what it is for us) just because it's weird, or just because it's porn. But if you're not feeling guilty for any of those reasons, you may be feeling that way because you recognize your behavior is unhealthy on some level. Maybe you're just consuming too much porn, for instance, and desensitizing yourself. And in that case the boilerplate message of "kink acceptance" just rings hollow to you, invalidates your feelings of shame and makes you more confused.

If this doesn't apply, that's great, I just wanted to give an alternative perspective because in kink communities especially I suspect the well-intentioned desire to make everyone feel accepted sometimes mutates into self-denial. And that comes from my understanding that there can potentially be such a thing as too much porn or too much stimulation for the individual...

[Arvani]

I think that this answer has as many possibilities as there are viewpoints posted. It's all about how you view your own sexuality and how you explore/express it. For instance, if it's something you feel ashamed about but yet you need it in order to have a fulfilling sex life, then perhaps it's time to bring it more to the forefront, accept that it's a part of you, and engage in more fetish related activities during sex with a partner. Because certainly attempting to ignore it in real life when it's something that you  need won't get you very far. (Or maybe it will! I'm not here to judge - just thinking on it from my own perspective because I know it's also not something that is easy to share) 

I tend to feel that if it is something you simply accept as part of who you are and what you're into, then it kinda falls into place. Whether it then becomes a part of your sex life, or it stays firmly rooted in your fantasy life, as long as there is balance, then I don't really see a problem. I think that porn has received a difficult reputation because it's something that is easily vilified. Sure, there is potential to get caught up and not realize that real life is going to be different. But it can also be incorporated into your sex life in exciting and healthy ways. Sometimes that is merely giving ideas to enhance your experience with a partner, and sometimes it means that you get to explore your sexuality on your own. I'm not of the mindset that sexuality always has to be with a partner. There are many aspects to it, and that is what makes it fascinating. 

[Engmanny]

On 1/25/2022 at 1:57 PM, Heathercd said:

I think that this answer has as many possibilities as there are viewpoints posted. It's all about how you view your own sexuality and how you explore/express it. For instance, if it's something you feel ashamed about but yet you need it in order to have a fulfilling sex life, then perhaps it's time to bring it more to the forefront, accept that it's a part of you, and engage in more fetish related activities during sex with a partner. Because certainly attempting to ignore it in real life when it's something that you  need won't get you very far. (Or maybe it will! I'm not here to judge - just thinking on it from my own perspective because I know it's also not something that is easy to share) 

I tend to feel that if it is something you simply accept as part of who you are and what you're into, then it kinda falls into place. Whether it then becomes a part of your sex life, or it stays firmly rooted in your fantasy life, as long as there is balance, then I don't really see a problem. I think that porn has received a difficult reputation because it's something that is easily vilified. Sure, there is potential to get caught up and not realize that real life is going to be different. But it can also be incorporated into your sex life in exciting and healthy ways. Sometimes that is merely giving ideas to enhance your experience with a partner, and sometimes it means that you get to explore your sexuality on your own. I'm not of the mindset that sexuality always has to be with a partner. There are many aspects to it, and that is what makes it fascinating. 

What an incredible well articulated response 👏

[Arvani]

14 hours ago, Engmanny said:

What an incredible well articulated response 👏

Aw shucks  Thank you!!