Annoyed - Or: Severus' favorite soup (HP, Severus Snape)

[Sequoia]

Alright, I think there never is (and never will be) enough Snape sneezing, so here's a fic I wrote some time ago and forgot to post. 

Disclaimer: I don't own HP oder any of the characters mentioned in this story, that's all J.K.R.'s.  I only like to borrow them. A LOT. 

 

Annoyed - Or: Severus' favorite soup

“Professor Snape, you must be mad coming here like this!” 

Severus sniffed wetly and glared at the purple-eyed gnome that had dared to speak to him. Given the fact that the creature was inside a painting, he briefly considered threatening it with a bottle of turpentine, but his hoarse voice would only have reinforced the gnome’s doubts. So he simply ignored it and approached the Great Hall. 

 

The all-to-familiar noise of students chatting and giggling, eating and joking filled his ears even before he had entered. Severus pressed his hands to his throbbing temples and sighed. He already regretted coming here. To be true, he hadn’t wanted anyone to see him in this state, but due to his clogged nose he was unable to summon even the thinnest slice of bread. Asking Poppy, let alone one of his other colleagues, was not an option (after all, he was taking a special holiday to correct exams and not on sick leave).

So, after two days of staying in bed, hunger had driven him out of the dungeons and into this bright, noiseful and uncomfortable hall. Severus took a deep breath before putting his hand on the door knob and nearly choked in the process. He swiftly rushed aside, waiting for the coughing fit to die down. 

 

“Severus! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in the past few days.” 

Severus winced at the voice. Not again. There was this strange thing about healers. They always appeared when one couldn’t need them less. Even after all these years at Hogwarts, hestill had no clue how Poppy managed to follow him all day and take care of the hospital wing at the same time.

 

“If I am not mistaken, that is none of your business”, he replied slowly, hoping that the healer would not notice his hoarse and stuffy voice this way. Poppy raised an eyebrow and shook her head.

“I just hope that you’re not about to skip dinner again. It won’t do you any harm to have some chicken soup today.” 

Of course it wouldn’t. Severus pretended to inspect his robe while secretly wiping his nose. He could feel a tickle build somewhere high up. It spread slowly but steadily throughout his nostrils, just like gentle potion steam filled his classroom every day. The tickle, however, was not gentle at all. It began to prick and sting and before Severus could fully realise what his body was about to do, he whirled aside: “HRrr’ESChhhuhh! Huh’ESShhoo!”

“Bless you. Are you alright?” 

Severus grunted and searched his pocket for a handkerchief. He had never understood why some people blessed others. It was not as if it these few words would magically heal a head cold - not even pepperup could do this - and he was not going to feel any better just because someone pitied him. 

“It is polite to say it, Severus.”

Apparently, healers could also read his mind without using any charm. The wizard rolled his eyes and brought the handkerchief to his nose. Pointing out that he was ill and sneezing his head off was anything but polite. Annoying or unnecessary would describe this behaviour much better. He sniffled again and winced at the wet sound. Blowing his nose was no good, it was so stuffed up that it hardly made a difference besides irritating his already sore skin even more.  

 

This whole idea was ridiculous. The entire school would watch him suffer and even though no one would say a word while he was around, Severus knew they would talk. He was not too keen on being the fun topic because he had a cold, it always reminded him of the time when he was Snivellus, rather than Severus.

 

But chicken soup did sound nice indeed. He coughed lightly and raised his head. “As you might see, I would already have entered the great hall if you had not interrupted me.”

Poppy chuckled and extended a hand to rearrange Severus’ robe that had shifted during the sneeze attack, but the wizard shook her off and pulled the door open, heading straight to his seat. The sooner this was over, the better. 

 

Some of his colleagues greeted him, but most did not. They knew that they were wasting words, as he wouldn’t reply anyway. Not for the first time in his life, Severus was glad of it. He could be nearly certain that no one would speak to him during dinner, and less conversations meant less stress, less pain in his throat and, most importantly, less people knowing of his illness. He sighed and immediately coughed afterwards. Well, the latter would only work if he managed to suppress all these symptoms. So far, no one besides Poppy seemed to have noticed and Severus was happy to leave it like that.

 

He reached for his spoon and let it sink into the soup absentmindedly. When he lifted it to his mouth, however, he flinched. Poppy had missed a very important detail. It was alphabet soup. 

 

The letters on his spoon formed a harmless yummy. Severus didn’t like the idea of his food judging its taste itself, as he was not sure if he could trust its decision, but the message inside the bowl was even more annoying. The soup had noticed something the others hadn’t. 

He emptied the spoon (he was unable to find out if the yummy had been correct, as he could neither smell nor taste anything right now) and hastily pulled out the handkerchief while covering the bowl with his sleeve. The letters bounced up and down, causing Severus to read the words over and over: Snivellus the red-nosed wizard had a very runny nose

Severus sniffed strongly and then carefully selected all left v’s. This way, the soup was at least incapable of spelling his name. 

 

The original idea of magical alphabet soup was to lift the mood of the one who ate it. It adapted to its owner’s wishes, formed words and made them laugh. At least it was supposed to do that. For some people, it was simply very annoying. The only possibility to silence the soup was to eat all letters - Severus knew this as he had always been the one with the most annoying alphabet soup, and so it was this time. He glanced around and rolled his eyes while constantly stirring his soup so that it could not form proper sentences. Flitwick’s soup was quoting old philosophers in Latin, Pomona’s showed several names of rare plants, Albus’ listed the headmaster’s favourite sweets and Minerva’s formed a variety of cat sounds. Trelawny’s didn’t even do anything (which, of course, did not keep her from explaining Poppy what catastrophes the letters were foretelling) and Hagrid’s was probably imitating some magical creature, as the half-giant looked as if he was about to snuggle it at any moment. 

 

Severus sniffled again and emptied the spoon as soon as possible, as the letters in the bowl had chosen to imitate him with a bubbling ssnnnrfff.

He frowned and began to eat all f’s. Unfortunately, his nose had now become rather sensitive to the steam. A tickly sensation built somewhere high up in his nostrils and made his eyes water. Severus rubbed and scrunched his nose, but the tickle only intensified. A strong sniff did not help either. Severus watched the alphabet soup curiously to see how it would spell this strange sound. This time, however, it read atishhoo! 

 

And it was a better fortune teller than Trelawny. Not even a second  after reading the word, Severus bent in half with a set of sneezes: “Hah’RASHhhuu! Ah’hnnSHhhh! Hhnn’CHHShh!”

 

The fit was followed by silence, giving Severus time to sniff a few times and wipe his eyes with his handkerchief. This allowed him to see more than just a blurry table with black dots around it, and was very fortunate, as he could now send a frosty stare around to make sure no one would dare to bless him. Lowering his gaze to his bowl, however, he realised that alphabet soup was tougher than most of his colleagues.

“Bless you!”, it read, accompanied by a silly heart smiley made out of a v and a broken B.

This was going too far. Severus grabbed his spoon and began to chase all B’s he could find. Why couldn’t his soup do something normal? Like… Naming all ingredients needed for a certain potion so that he could guess it?

 

The soup, however, was far more interested in imitating his hitching breath: Hehh...eehhh…

Severus found it rather hard to stir while trying to calm his breath and avoid another sneezing fit. Seeing the hitches in front of him teased his nose even more. With a last strong breath, he dropped the spoon and reached for his handkerchief: 

 

“Hehh! Heh’nhhSCHhhhuu! Ahk’SHHhh!” 

 

He kept the cloth at his nose for a small, liquid blow. Some of the conversations around had stopped for a moment, but as Severus lowered the handkerchief, most of the teachers continued to talk. Only Poppy ignored Trelawny’s foretelling and eyed the sniffly wizard. Severus avoided her eye and looked at his soup again. It had found another way to bless him. Gesundheit, it read. Twice. 

This was becoming quite a challenge. Severus sighed, using both his spoon and his fork to pick out the G’s next. The tickle was not yet gone, but the wizard was determined to prevent further blessings first. If he had managed to teach his fellow colleagues, how could he fail at doing this with alphabet soup? 

“Hah...Hhnn’Shhh! Hnnh’Schhh! Heh’nnCHShhh!” Pressing his nose into the handkerchief, Severus chased the last G. He had to hold his breath so that his hands wouldn’t tremble, but before he could catch the letter, his nostrils flared as if someone had filled them with pepper. Maybe the alphabet soup could not only control its letters, but also its spices? There was no time to contemplate this possibility further. Whatever was irritating his nose right now, it was doing an excellent job. Severus’ eyes closed slowly against his will and his breath hitched so fast that not even the soup could imitate the sound. He didn’t like losing, were it against a wizard, a soup or a strong, burning tickle. But even the great Professor Snape could not win every fight. And so he gave in to the tickling sensation, pressing the handkerchief to his nose to preserve the tiny remains of his dignity.

 

“Hih’nnShht! Hihh’NSchh’Hh’SHHhh! Hhh...Hah’TSChh! Hah’TSCHCHHss! Hehh...Hehh!”

 

Severus bit his lip and refolded the handkerchief as fast as possible. His sight was too blurred to see properly, but he was certain that everyone in the great hall was watching him. 

 

“HehCHSChhh! Ahh’TschCHHss! Hhh…. Hah’KSCHHThh!”

 

And if someone had missed the previous fit, they'd definitely have noticed it by now. 

Severus was still panting slightly and felt his face grow hot. Not only because of the sneezes. He shut his eyes closed and got up, the handkerchief still on his nose. He didn’t care if that made it even more red and sore. He just wanted to escape this embarrassing situation. 

 

On his way back, he passed Poppy. “I’ll bring you some soup to your room”, she whispered. 

“Do’nd you dare”, Severus grunted stuffily and suppressed another coughing fit.

There was no need to hide his congested voice now, but this was just as annoying as hiding it unsuccessfully. Or sneezing. Or a cold in general. Or the purple-eyed gnome that eyed him pitifully from its painting. Or alphabet soup.

 

Severus blew his nose thoroughly before lowering the now soggy handkerchief. A few letters were sticking on his sleeve. He had no idea how they’d gotten there, but they formed another Gesundheit. He rolled his eyes. Alphabet soup was definitely the most annoying thing wizardkind had ever created.

 

 

 

[sneezelover3]

Omg, I love this so much! I've read every Snape fic on here a few times already and I've been wanting a new one. You've officially made my day! 😍 I wish there was more though. 😔

Edited August 1, 2020 by sneezelover3

[SneezyHolmes]

Oh, I rather enjoyed this! I love me some sick Severus! I love how teasing his soup was, what an interesting wizardly invention!

[Coffee Mug]

Oh this is so nice!!! Loved the sneeze spellings!! 

[rockbell]

LOVE THISSS

[Sequoia]

On 8/1/2020 at 12:50 AM, sneezelover3 said:

Omg, I love this so much! I've read every Snape fic on here a few times already and I've been wanting a new one. You've officially made my day! 😍 I wish there was more though. 😔

Oh, I know that feeling! This was exactly why I felt the need to write another Snape fic  I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Maybe there will be more. I've been writing some drabbles lately, some of them with Snape. I love writing (adult!) Hermione/Snape - Usually as friends/colleagues, but maybe also more. I'm not sure whether that is appreciated here. 

On 8/1/2020 at 1:01 AM, SneezyHolmes said:

Oh, I rather enjoyed this! I love me some sick Severus! I love how teasing his soup was, what an interesting wizardly invention!

I'm always happy to serve some sneezy Severus  Oh, writing the alphabet soup was so much fun! Figuring out when he could eat which letter so that there'd still be the right ones left for the next sentence took a while. 

On 8/1/2020 at 3:21 PM, Coffee Mug said:

Oh this is so nice!!! Loved the sneeze spellings!! 

Thank you ^-^ It's always the part I spend most time with, so I'm happy it worked out. 

On 8/2/2020 at 8:24 PM, rockbell said:

LOVE THISSS

 Happy to hear! ♥️

[frolicking periwinkle]

This was a lot of fun.  How clever to have the soup taunt him!

[mystic-chibi]

the soup letters were such a Harry Potter world thing to do! I loved the fun in this!!

[tarotgal]

Awwww, poor Severus! I loved watching him try to track down various letters so it wouldn't be able to say certain things to him. Such a good mix of humor and h/c. I enjoyed Poppy doing her best to try to help him, as well. And the fact that he had trained the other professors to not bless him but couldn't do the same for the enchanted soup is so typical. Definitely the height of annoyance!