Partners without the fetish?

[sneezewuv]

Hi all,

I have been struggling recently with trying to decide whether I would rather actively look for a partner with the fetish, or just make a connection out in the "real world" (in quotes because this is the real world too, but you know). 

My only ever relationship ended in September of last year (after almost 3 years), and it made me rethink my priorities in a partner. I never thought the fetish was super essential to have in a partner prior. He was very much into normal stuff and didn't want to indulge me very often. I can't really blame him, since I tended not to indulge him either. I mean, neither of us really knew how to indulge the other as we experienced attractions in completely different ways. I know some people here are able to have a normal sex life and not have the fetish be necessary, but for me, it is the only thing that will get me going.

Anyway, the thought of getting into a relationship with someone without the fetish again is a bit terrifying. It was hard on both my ex and me. I just don't want to put another person through that or put myself through that again. I was hoping to hear from some of you who do have a partner without the fetish, and how you make it work. 

 

P.S. I'm sorry if this topic has been covered before! 

[oOMariusOo]

I have asked myself this question very often, the idea of having a partner who shares my sneezing fetish attracts me a lot. But on the other hand, given the rarity of finding other fetishists who speak my language, if I focused only on fetishists, I might be left alone for a long time to come. I can always talk about it with a partner, but it's not really an easy topic for me to talk about, even in a relationship with someone I trust. Regardless, I also can't see myself living a married life without being able to live out my sneezing desires. So I think over time, I would gain confidence and be able to reveal it. I don't see myself living as a couple without my fetish at all. 

[snzmn2016]

It makes it easier and sexier, but you still need to be compatible other ways so you aren't overly sneeze focused. My one sneeze fetishist relationship was so fun, but sneezes couldn't save a weak match in other ways.

[Mustang]

Hello! 

I'am also going through this dilemma and so far I have dated three very "normal" guys. For me, the decision to tell my partner is completely based on whether or not I think they are open minded enough to accept it. The first guy I've dated was extremely accepting of this fetish and was always more than eager to indulge me and I was equally eager to do things for him in return. He was incredibly open minded to everything and as a result, sexual communication was very easy. This resulted in a high level of sexual satisfaction for both of us. 

The second guy I've dated was equally as eager to indulge me but I think, because of the fetish, he always knew I "wasn't the one". So now I've got a fear of telling any subsequent partners about my fetish, even though I believe most men are accepting of the fetish. I don't think the public perception of this fetish is very positive so finding someone that would be willing to accept it in the long term might be tricky. I am still coming to terms with the fact that perhaps I will have to lower my standards because I have this fetish. I think the most ideal situation would be to find someone with the fetish as well so there is no internal guilt that you are dooming someone else to a life where sex life is compromise instead of satisfaction. 

[BlessMeAchoo]

I'm dating the same guy for the last 5 years and I had to tell him about my fetish. He's been really accepting it. The only thing is, he don't want to force anything so If I want some of that I have to be the one starting it. And it can get awkward because I know he's not into that. So We rarely do stuff related about that. It still work tho 😉 I think this is something different for everyone.

[ItchyNostrils]

I recommend when you are first getting to know someone in a romantic way, try bringing it up and gauging their reaction (if you are comfortable to!). I have found many encounters over the years very open to it, and those that aren’t you can move on from quickly if it’s that important to you! 😊 

[ALSF]

I think what it comes down to is a partner with true sexual and romantic chemistry with me will feel just as good pleasing me as I do them. Both of the girls I have told we’re more than happy to indulge me. What I’m grappling with now is that I’ve just started seeing the most sweet and attractive girl, totally outta my league lol but sneezing isn’t a thing for her. I tell myself when I’m with her I’m not thinking about it (which is mostly true) but I can’t deny I’m never gonna be fully satisfied if I don’t find someone sneezier. Who knows, it’s way too early to tell her but i can see her wanting to indulge me, I’m just afraid she would feel she was letting me down if she couldn’t sneeze too much. Ehh I’m the meantime I’ll keep doing me

[PetalPunk]

Hi sneezewuv, without dispelling too much intimate details of my relationship with my non-fetishist partner, I hope my two cents can help. 

First off, I'm in my mid-20s. I am experiencing my first serious and sexual relationship and we have been together for almost 3 years. I accidentally outed myself when I butt-texted my partner something fetish-related and then I had to explain myself. This was, oh, a few months into our relationship. My explaining my fetish wasn't supposed to go like that, but can't change the past; it was probably better in the end because I don't think I would have willingly given up this intimate information.

My first question I want you to ask yourself is if you're comfortable revealing your fetish early on in the relationship? For me, it was hard to explain myself so unexpectedly.

Second off, I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum, I think demi-sexual. I need that emotional connection to experience sexual attraction. Being intimate with my partner is almost a chore for me and most of the time I'm perfectly satisfied just exploring myself with stim from the fetish. When I am intimate with my partner, I find myself thinking about the fetish to get myself in the mood and during intimacy. It's the only way I can stay focused. My partner is accepting of my fetish, he doesn't think it's weird. He tries, rarely, to indulge me or tease me about it, like when his allergies are bothering him, he will talk about it; sometimes he will 'forget' to take his meds and he'll be sneezy all day. On those rare occasions, we end up being intimate. I've asked him to indulge me once--like induce for me during intimacy--and it was a neutral experience (I think it was neutral because it was forced performance rather than a bad-allergy-day-type of thing). He's vanilla as far as kink goes, and I rarely indulge his favorite things due to being asexual, and he's encouraged by me to initiate his sexual desires and to be open and tell me when he wants to do intimate things because I rarely think about intimacy without thinking about the fetish. 

My second question for you, how does the fetish work for you? Can you be successfully intimate if you only think about it (like me)? Or do you need fetish-dirty talk or some sneezy foreplay? However you answer those questions is related to how you want to navigate being intimate with a partner. Follow up, is incorporating the fetish in intimate situations important to you or would you be satisfied exploring yourself separately? 

In short, how I make it work with my non-fetish partner is that I pleasure myself separately (and often) when we're not sexually intimate. When we are intimate, I have to think about the fetish to stay focused and aroused. I rarely indulge in his sexual desires, I have to be prompted. And he rarely indulges me. It's only my luck when his allergies are bad. 

I think the important thing to consider when looking for a partner is if you connect on numerous levels other than sexual. Are they open to new sexual experiences? Having common hobbies, bonding over something not sexual helps stabilize a strong relationship. Being open and honest with each other is really the key. Being emotionally mature to tell each other anything and everything. 

I hope my anecdote help. My DMs are open if you want to ask more specific questions or expand on this conversation. 

[Poppy]

On 5/23/2021 at 12:53 AM, Mustang said:

. I think the most ideal situation would be to find someone with the fetish as well so there is no internal guilt that you are dooming someone else to a life where sex life is compromise instead of satisfaction. 

You put this rather beautifully. I’m in a similar boat. 

[iojo]

I'm wondering the same things

[haymaker]

I think really it's a case of each to his or her own, every relationship is different.

Personally I have no interest in my non-sf partner participating in inducing/ fantasy/ role playing activities. I have always found her very physically attractive and she has a fabulous sneeze, which is a real cherry on the top. There's no denying it boosts my sexual arousal.....big time, but obviously that is not enough to base a relationship on, there has to be more...much more.

She does know about my fetish (I left some printed material lying around) but the subject is never discussed. Now, some of you might find that strange, but I know we both prefer it that way.

By and large our sex life has been pretty good and we have run a successful home and business together. However, nothing is perfect and there have been some problems, but we are still together. She is a good person; kind and loving and she has never used the fetish to ridicule me, even when we have had serious fallouts. 

I will admit that I have often wondered what a relationship with another fetishist would be like. It would surely offer an entirely different dynamic. I think there has been a number of successful and enduring ones formed since the internet has made these connections possible.

If I was single and much younger I'd definitely be on the lookout. The benefits in terms of understanding and empathy would make a great starting point, but as stated above, on its own it probably would not offer anything long term. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 15, 2021 by haymaker

[Sawyer]

I think it has more to do with how you both prioritize sex than anything else. Are you able to be sexually satisfied without the fetish involved at all? Are they willing to incorporate that into your sex life regularly? Do they perhaps have a complementary fetish that could play into relevant scenarios? Questions like that should be considered to determine sexual compatibility above all else. 

I've had long-term relationships with people who didn't have the fetish, and two relationships with people who did. The latter did add something extra special to the ways in which we connected to each other, both in and outside of the bedroom. The best part of it was being understood and being able to share inside references to the community and the experience of growing up attracted to something that very few others are. I loved doing things like recalling episodes of TV that we loved a lot "for some reason" or discussing big names/events from the forum. But I would have dated those people even without this element of our relationship, because there are a lot of ways to make things work.

I've been dating my current partner for over a year and I feel very lucky to be in love with someone so compatible. We met in this community long before our relationship became romantic, but I would have fallen in love with her no matter what. If she did happen to have a different fetish than this one, I would still get a thrill from performing that with her. In my experience, most people get a lot out of pleasing their partner, even if the method is unconventional and might not do much for them otherwise.

When I was single, one of my dealbreakers was someone rejecting this part of me -- not because I want to be indulged, necessarily, but because my experience here has been an important part of my life and my development, and I think the fetish itself is overall pretty mild/tame/ethical. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was close-minded to something like this or who wasn't open to an arrangement that is comprised of mutual indulgence. Finding out what they like and how to satisfy them, if they're fair and right for you, will prompt them to do the same in return.

[prismaticpollen]

Personally, I’m polyamorous but also have mixed feelings about the concept of long distance relationships, so I’m not sure how I feel about looking for a partner with the fetish. If I was more confident in my ability to maintain a relationship without the option to meet up in person, I might try to find someone I trusted with the fetish to engage in kinky activities with, with the understanding that I’d also be looking for a more vanilla in-person relationship. I’ve never been in a serious relationship apart from my current queerplatonic one, so I’m not sure how any of that would work in practice.

[sneezewuv]

On 6/9/2021 at 9:32 PM, PetalPunk said:

Hi sneezewuv, without dispelling too much intimate details of my relationship with my non-fetishist partner, I hope my two cents can help. 

First off, I'm in my mid-20s. I am experiencing my first serious and sexual relationship and we have been together for almost 3 years. I accidentally outed myself when I butt-texted my partner something fetish-related and then I had to explain myself. This was, oh, a few months into our relationship. My explaining my fetish wasn't supposed to go like that, but can't change the past; it was probably better in the end because I don't think I would have willingly given up this intimate information.

My first question I want you to ask yourself is if you're comfortable revealing your fetish early on in the relationship? For me, it was hard to explain myself so unexpectedly.

Second off, I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum, I think demi-sexual. I need that emotional connection to experience sexual attraction. Being intimate with my partner is almost a chore for me and most of the time I'm perfectly satisfied just exploring myself with stim from the fetish. When I am intimate with my partner, I find myself thinking about the fetish to get myself in the mood and during intimacy. It's the only way I can stay focused. My partner is accepting of my fetish, he doesn't think it's weird. He tries, rarely, to indulge me or tease me about it, like when his allergies are bothering him, he will talk about it; sometimes he will 'forget' to take his meds and he'll be sneezy all day. On those rare occasions, we end up being intimate. I've asked him to indulge me once--like induce for me during intimacy--and it was a neutral experience (I think it was neutral because it was forced performance rather than a bad-allergy-day-type of thing). He's vanilla as far as kink goes, and I rarely indulge his favorite things due to being asexual, and he's encouraged by me to initiate his sexual desires and to be open and tell me when he wants to do intimate things because I rarely think about intimacy without thinking about the fetish. 

My second question for you, how does the fetish work for you? Can you be successfully intimate if you only think about it (like me)? Or do you need fetish-dirty talk or some sneezy foreplay? However you answer those questions is related to how you want to navigate being intimate with a partner. Follow up, is incorporating the fetish in intimate situations important to you or would you be satisfied exploring yourself separately? 

In short, how I make it work with my non-fetish partner is that I pleasure myself separately (and often) when we're not sexually intimate. When we are intimate, I have to think about the fetish to stay focused and aroused. I rarely indulge in his sexual desires, I have to be prompted. And he rarely indulges me. It's only my luck when his allergies are bad. 

I think the important thing to consider when looking for a partner is if you connect on numerous levels other than sexual. Are they open to new sexual experiences? Having common hobbies, bonding over something not sexual helps stabilize a strong relationship. Being open and honest with each other is really the key. Being emotionally mature to tell each other anything and everything. 

I hope my anecdote help. My DMs are open if you want to ask more specific questions or expand on this conversation. 

Sorry this took me so long to reply to! First of all thank you for such a thoughtful reply! 

I had this exact sort of thing with my previous partner, and I am also very very very similar as far as the demisexual aspect. I definitely need to have an emotional connection in order to have the sexual attraction which makes it much harder to find someone who I can connect with online. I find that so much of what makes me fall for someone is simply their mannerisms or little things they do or say, and if I can't have that then it might be hard to connect. 

But, there's also the aspect of having a partner who I feel may get frustrated at the fact that I don't understand how "normal" sexuality works. In my experience (granted it was my only experience) the frustration trickled down into many other aspects of the relationship and interfered with the emotional connection that I need to feel sexually attracted. It wasn't ideal. I'm sure that is not always the case, but I really do not want to have tension in a relationship because of something that I cannot control. My last partner was also not emotionally mature, and we were still young. So I'm sure it would be different, but the experience is still making me feel adamant about having a partner with the fetish.

I think, after thinking about all of this, my thoughts are still the same. I feel like a relationship with someone with the fetish would just be so ideal, as long as it is one that is healthy and fulfilling emotionally. As Mustang said, I think the ideal scenario would be to have a relationship with someone from the community so we don't have to compromise and can just get to it. It would be so much different if I could be aroused based on physical appearance alone, but that's just not the case. 

Thank you for this, truly. It's making me realize how big this kind of thing is for me, even if I wish it wasn't. C'est la vie! 

 

[sneezewuv]

On 7/16/2021 at 11:05 PM, Sen Beret said:

I think it has more to do with how you both prioritize sex than anything else. Are you able to be sexually satisfied without the fetish involved at all? Are they willing to incorporate that into your sex life regularly? Do they perhaps have a complementary fetish that could play into relevant scenarios? Questions like that should be considered to determine sexual compatibility above all else. 

I've had long-term relationships with people who didn't have the fetish, and two relationships with people who did. The latter did add something extra special to the ways in which we connected to each other, both in and outside of the bedroom. The best part of it was being understood and being able to share inside references to the community and the experience of growing up attracted to something that very few others are. I loved doing things like recalling episodes of TV that we loved a lot "for some reason" or discussing big names/events from the forum. But I would have dated those people even without this element of our relationship, because there are a lot of ways to make things work.

I've been dating my current partner for over a year and I feel very lucky to be in love with someone so compatible. We met in this community long before our relationship became romantic, but I would have fallen in love with her no matter what. If she did happen to have a different fetish than this one, I would still get a thrill from performing that with her. In my experience, most people get a lot out of pleasing their partner, even if the method is unconventional and might not do much for them otherwise.

When I was single, one of my dealbreakers was someone rejecting this part of me -- not because I want to be indulged, necessarily, but because my experience here has been an important part of my life and my development, and I think the fetish itself is overall pretty mild/tame/ethical. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was close-minded to something like this or who wasn't open to an arrangement that is comprised of mutual indulgence. Finding out what they like and how to satisfy them, if they're fair and right for you, will prompt them to do the same in return.

Awww! That's so awesome that you get to experience this!!! ❤️❤️❤️ 

I think I'm mostly just terrified of it becoming a problem like it was before. Of course, everyone is different and maybe someone else would be way more willing to indulge me if they see that they are satisfying me. The problem is, though, that I don't think that them being more into it would make me more willing to indulge them. It's not even that I don't want to, I just don't know how to I guess. It's not like an innate thing for me, which I'm sure many others in the community can relate to. I guess I mostly don't want to burden anyone with that. I think it would just be better for both parties if we were both attracted to the same things.

It almost makes me feel silly to talk about the fetish being such a big deal for relationships, but I think the truth is that sex just is a huge part of relationships for so many people. I don't want to close myself off entirely from people without the fetish, but I am very very wary of going down that route again. *sigh*

[Melody]

I know this is an old topic but I'd like to way into this thread. I'd even consider showing this thread to my non fetishit partner just so he can understand my fetish better (he knows about it and accepts it but doesn't understand the depth or intensity of this fetish and how it's a big part of my sexuality). Partly this is my fault because I never bothered to explain that it's such a big part of my sexuality but he's never really probed too much into the details.  Probably because he can't even fathom the depth of this strange little fetish lol.

On 9/10/2021 at 10:24 PM, sneezewuv said:

problem is, though, that I don't think that them being more into it would make me more willing to indulge them. It's not even that I don't want to, I just don't know how to I guess. It's not like an innate thing for me, which I'm sure many others in the community can relate to. I guess I mostly don't want to burden anyone with that. I think it would just be better for both parties if we were both attracted to the same things.

This is exactly how i feel. To me, it is a turn off if my partner is doing something for me which he himself is not into. This is obviously a double standard, women do lots of things for men and vice versa that they are not necessarily into but sneezing is a bit different. I feel it invades someones bodily boundaries to make them sneeze just for my pleasure if they themselves are not into it. Maybe one day I will get over this idea. It might be because I have some internalized resentment towards my own fetish. 

But here's my honest thoughts: 

I had a sneeze fetishit partner for a while who was (sorry) but just awful at sex. He just had no idea what he was doing lol. We never dated but we fucked around a lot. However, the sex life was overall good because sneezing was involved so we'd indulge each other and it was super hot. He wasn't my type physically or personality wise but I sort of just ignored it so we could have a fun time together. I knew any real romantic relationship would never ever work between us and I would never date someone just because they share this fetish. Basically bottom line is, just because you find a partner who has the fetish does NOT mean your sex life or relationship for that matter, will be good. 

My current boyfriend does not have the fetish but we are compatible in virtually every other way. I feel like he is a part of my soul, just poured into another person. I feel so unbelievably connected to him and as a result we have very good communication skills. I openly communicate about regular sex and what feels good for me. Since i know I have this fetish I try EXTA hard to experiment with my body and try and learn what makes me feel good and satisfied without the fetish. If you try this and are commited to exploring you might find that regular sex can be quite pleasurable for you. But anyway, since me and my boyfriend are so communicative and committed to constantly improving and innovating our sex life, we have great sex. Our sex, which has absolutely nothing to do with the fetish, is BETTER than the sex I had with the guy with the fetish. If you have a good sex life, as you mentioned earlier, it sort of trickles down into the rest of your relationship and definitely affects it. Sex is a big part of a healthy adult relationship and should never be ignored. That's why I work extra hard with it.

Would it be amazing to date someone with the fetish? Of course! It would be fucking amazing. You'd both speak the same sexual language that not many people in the world understand. However, except in some very rare occurrences I truly believe you'd be prioritizing sexual compatibility over emotional compatibility and to me, that is never worth it. As others have said, it really comes down to how much you prioritize sex as opposed to other factors. Only you can decide this and there is no wrong answer. 

Bottom line is this: I reccomend exploring the different ways you could potientally feel pleasure sexually that have nothing to do with the fetish. If you have a partner who knows what they are doing (and or is willing to learn) you might find sex (without the fetish) to be very enjoyable. It's quite possible you won't. In that case, maybe reach an understanding with your partner. Have sex less frequently but both agree to watch porn or do some other activity that satisfies you sexually. My boyfriend and I have a lot of sex (sorry if this is TMI) but obviously he can never fufill this fetish side of me (and I wouldn't want him to anyway). But that's okay. I am okay with forgoing fetish stuff in the bedroom to be with the man I love. To fill my need for fetish content I watch a lot of vids on YouTube and read a lot of fics on here (basically I just consume a lot of fetish p*rn and I find that enough to satisfy this part of myself (usually). Sometimes, even when we're having sex I'll just imagine fetish things which help get me turned on, And to be quite honest, sometimes fetish p*rn and all the imagining in the world just isn't enough. But in those moments I weigh all the wonderful pros of my relationship against this one con. To me, this one sometimes drawback is nothing, compared to the rich love I receive from my partner. 

Anyway, sorry for rambling SneezeWuv. i totally relate and sympathize with the feelings you expressed here. Try not be so hard on yourself and to not worry about it too much (though all your concerns are valid). I'm simply saying that if the right person comes, you will know. They may or may not have the fetish. But if someone comes along that is perfect for you, I have a feeling fetish or not, you'd take them as they are. 

 

 

Edited January 18, 2022 by Melody

[Engmanny]

This conflict is something I think we've all had and I suspect most with a kink will be discussing on their respective forums!. For me I wonder as I get older and more comfortable with engaging in the community whether it will become more problematic (partner does know / haven't shared, but access to material to scratch that itch has never been more available, I do wish it was part of my current life rather than secret 2nd life as it were. 

[Arvani]

I’ve been with the same man for nearly 18 years. It came up early in our relationship but since then really hasn’t been part of it at all. I’m glad I felt comfortable to tell him, but I think that for me personally there is a lot more to my sex life than just this fetish in particular. And when you’re with someone for that long, we at least started exploring other types of things together that we both really enjoy. So I would say that I have a completely fulfilling relationship without having incorporated this particular aspect of my sexuality into it. I think it probably really depends on a lot of things - your relationship with the other person and how it fulfills you romantically/partner wise, and how big a part of your sexuality the fetish plays. So for me, all of that balancing out means I have a happy relationship and that this aspect of my sexuality is something just for me. And I’m totally ok with that. 

[chhika]

So my partner has the fetish but I do not. I'm quite open sexually so when he told me about it, I did my research to understand what a fetish is, what it means to have one, the effect it has, how natural it is to have one. I then asked my partner a bunch of questions about his preferences. After that we started introducing it into the bedroom and making content. 

Personally, though I don't have the fetish I LOVE what it does to my partner (and I'm hoping) he's very happy with me because I'm more than happy to indulge in it. 

I don't necessarily think you need to have a partner with the fetish but it's about being open with future partners. 

You've mentioned it was your only real relationship... and there's a lot more to relationships than sex! There's a mutual trust and respect too. Generally a good, open, honest relationship will mean there are compromises on both parts. I respect my partner's fetish and I'm not threatened by it - and I think some people are threatened by it with questions of "why am I not good enough?" (Which is why I suggest showing someone information about what a fetish actually is). 

But back to relationships, they can be tricky to navigate especially without a lot of experience and not knowing exactly what you want/need in a partner. 

My partner and I have not been together long at all and he's even admitted that he thought it would take him years to tell me about his fetish rather than the few weeks it actually took but we created a very solid foundation of trust and respect so even though he was anxious about telling me, it all worked out because of how strong our foundations were. 

As much as I understand wanting the fetish to be a large part of your sex life, it's more important (in my opinion) to have that connection first so you're in that place where you want to make each other happy and during that period of time, you're more open to seeing what works for you both in the relationship. 

I guess my advice here is: it's not about if someone has the fetish or not, it's about the trust and respect in the relationship to be able to safely explore fetishes and sexual preferences. 

Hope this helps a bit