A Pesky Phrase (Crowley, Good Omens)

[Deuce Williams]

Wrote this pre-Covid, so maybe it's in poor taste?

-~-~-~-~

"Crowley?"

The demon barely smothered a groan at the frankly alarmingly chipper voice piping up from behind him, his long strides whittling away to a stop. No use running now, the angel had definitely seen him despite his efforts. 1347 Sicily, middle of the biggest pandemic outbreak in human history, a great place he thought to ensure he wouldn't run into his enemy-slash-kind-of-acquaintance.

But alas, here he stood, in all his white-robed glory.

Crowley worked his tongue in his mouth. Even thinking that word left a sulphuric burn in the back of his throat.

He turned at the waist, spine twisting impossibly backwards, and shot Aziraphale a half-grin over his shoulder. "Well, fancy meeting you here."

As usual, sarcasm was completely lost on the angel. He tottered up, hands worming their way around themselves in his usual nervous manner, that usual flickering  smile and flickering eyes never settling.

Since when had the quite unusual act of interacting with the opposition become so usual?

"Ah, yes, fancy indeed." Aziraphale managed to stand still long enough to actually meet Crowley's eyes. Well, his tinted glasses, anyway. Crowley could count the number of times that happened on one hand. Aziraphale seemed to notice in that moment too, and he twitched away again.

Crowley tried to stop his smug grin, he really tried.

"And what, pray tell, are you doing here exactly?" Ah, yes, the not-so-pleasant usual. Aziraphale's tone, so guarded as it was, could stave off the armies of hell.

Crowley allowed his hips to lead, tucking his hands into the folds of his robe, sauntering off into the dismal streets and tossing a slouching reply over his shoulder. "Assignment from the boss."

He'd fully expected that to be the end of interaction. (Maybe, maybe, he might have been tempting the angel to follow along, but no one could prove it.) He twisted again, giving Aziraphale an amused stare over his glasses as the angel pulled even alongside. Through the rotting, sewer-run streets of Sicily, not one speck of filth clung to the pure hem of his clothes. A miracle.

"Is that right? Oh, me as well. Was sent to bestow healing on some lucky families in the northern quarter, there's been a terrible outbreak of something positively horrid recently. I do hope it'll die down soon."

Crowley's loping slouch ground to a stop, and he blew a hissing breath out between his teeth. "You're on a healing mission."

Aziraphale paused some steps ahead, as if only now noticing the demon's halt through his haze of holy worry. "Yes, why do you ask?"

No way was the angel going to like this. "That disease you mentioned?"

The wary eyes were back, head tilting to look at Crowley through the very corners. "...yes?"

"I'm here to encourage it."

And there it was, that righteous fury burning cold in ice blue eyes. Aziraphale's mouth opened and closed indignantly for a moment or two before it settled into a determined line. With a flourish and a sweep of his robes that could put even the vainest demon to shame, he turned right back around and began to march up the street. "Do as you will. Encouragement or not, I'm here to heal and that's exactly what I'll do."

"Great." Crowley caught up to him in three strides, the shorter being giving him a perturbed frown as he suddenly found himself struggling to keep up. "Since you're headed up to - north quarter, you said? I'll tag along."

"Why?" As much irritation as Aziraphale tried to cram into that one word, underneath lay something softer, almost expectant. Or maybe Crowley was just looking into things too much.

Cursed human-form brain, got away from a person so quickly.

Crowley inspected the suddenly extremely interesting masonwork of the narrow walls of the street. "No use me infecting the people you heal, would just be a waste of energy."

The angel fell silent as he considered this, then gave a begrudging, "...suppose not." Then, louder, "but don't go interfering! If head office doesn't see me meeting my quota, I'll get in big trouble!"

Crowley shot him another snake-grin. "Finally, something we have in common."

There it was, the split-second of heavenlight shining from behind Aziraphale's eyes before he clamped down on it, turning the other way and huffing.

One of the rag piles clustered on the street shifted, and sneezed.

Aziraphale turned to it. "Bless you."

Crowley gasped as a tickle shot through his left nostril, his breath catching in a soft hitch. "Uuh..." Pulling his hands from his robe, he attacked his twitching nostrils with an index finger. The fierce itch died a little, but lingered ominously in the depths of his sinuses. Crowley swiped at his nose once more before drawing in a deep sniff and pocketing his hands again.

That was the beginning of a sneeze, to be sure. He'd sneezed once or twice in this form since he'd began on Earth, but never this... desperate. Thank goodness the angel hadn't seemed to notice, more intent on tutting at the state of the people in the street than paying attention to a demon with a tickle.

It nagged like an annoying superior, but remained thankfully satiated for now.

As they continued northward, the streets became crowded as the populace grew. More and more, Crowley had to stop and wait for Aziraphale to offer comfort to the sick and dying. Had he ever been that... benevolent? Seemed like a lot of messy business for people you'd be seeing soon anyway. Maybe it was more in the words than anything.

Crowley wandered a little closer with the look of someone who's trying very hard to look like he's not trying at all. He caught the tail end of the conversation~

"... the best, and bless you both."

~and barely caught the escaping sneeze.

Again, the itch had surged through him with an intensity not to be denied, but Crowley was sure as hell going to try! "Hah... hiihhh..." the softest hissing hitches accompanied by another sniff. His long fingers came up to jam under his quaking nostrils, the opposite hand trying to talk down the impending sneeze by massaging the bridge of his nose. "Ahhhhh..." A sunburst of warmth behind his eyes and then...

Crowley let tension in his shoulders drop as the sneeze faded to a mad tickle teasing his long nose into a quivering mess. Annoying, but once again avoided. He gave a few more sniffles against his finger before he felt confident enough to drop his hand again.

Aziraphale shot him a not-so-subtle look that Crowley not-so-subtley ignored, and then they started off again.

"So," Aziraphale started, "what have you been up to these past few decades?"

Was he really trying to make small talk? "Well, you know, this and that. Up to no-huh... no good." The hitch had been tiny, no way Aziraphale could have noticed, right?

Don't look at him, don't look at him, don't look at him.

"I say, Crowley, are you... um, feeling alright?"

He would have cursed right then and there, but his nose was sent aflutter with the ticklish urge to sneeze right now. "Ah-hiihh... I'm fihiiiiihne..." the sneeze lingered infuriatingly at the edges of his nostrils, enough to draw in shuddering breaths but not enough to actually make use of them. Crowley's nose twitched and wriggled madly under his finger, so close so close, but once again the sneeze backed off.

He sniffled, but didn't allow his finger to drop. No need keeping it hidden now, the angel had certainly noticed his humiliating lack of control. "Guh... Hate false stahh- starts. I invented them."

He'd hoped this would distract Aziraphale from the obvious, but a glance to the angel suggested he wasn't about to let this go so quickly. Again, that look from just the corners of his eyes, but suspicious for a different reason now. Curse this, the last thing Crowley wanted was the enemy to see him in a moment of weakness.

"Indeed." A beat. "Crowley, you're not getting... getting sick, are you?"

Oh, he would dissect that tone later. Crowley's head tilted back, nostrils flaring against his finger as the incessant itch resurfaced. As usual, just enough to tease, never to get results. "Duhuuhh- don't be daft, angel."

"It's just that, well, I haven't in this body so I'm not entirely sure if we can or not, and this plague, Crowley, it's deadly and we don't know if something like that can affect things in such a permanent state, and of course it might start out as something small, it always does, but~"

"I'm not getting sick," Crowley interrupted. As he scrubbed at his nose, though, he wasn't so sure. He'd never taken ill yet either, and the rules of a body were still being discovered. "It's just a tiiihhh heh...hAH..."

"Bless you."

While it seemed at first as though the sneeze would retreat again, the minute the words left Aziraphale's mouth it surged forward with a vengeance. Crowley gasped and hitched desperately at the sheer potency of the fire in his sinuses, barely getting his hands up in time to steeple them over his nose and mouth. "Huh-huhuuuuuhh... ha-XHUHHH!"

The violent force of the sneeze bent him double, echoing in the stone walls of the street. He felt, rather than heard, Aziraphale take a startled step away from him like a spooked horse. As he straightened, though he still sniffled miserably, Crowley noted with some satisfaction that the itch seemed to have died down. He ran a finger under his nose once or twice just to make sure.

Then he glanced at Aziraphale, who stared at him with wide eyes. "It's just a tickle."

"I daresay it was!" The angel put a hand to his chest. "I don't think I've ever seen a sneeze that..."

Crowley inspected his hands, nose wrinkling. "Disgusting?"

"...intense."

Another tone to analyze at a later time. "Well, it's gone now. Shall we continue?"

They did, up the hills and with less stops this time as they neared their goal. Crowley's nose remained blessedly calm as they walked. He'd been too paranoid about being sick, there was no way for a demon to take ill anyway, right? Right. Now at least he could put this matter behind him.

A slight woman, maybe twenty, braced herself against a wall as a sneeze tore from her mouth. Crowley couldn't suppress his wince. The sheer force of it sounded like it hurt.

Aziraphale was at her side so quickly Crowley couldn't be certain the angel hadn't used a miracle to get there.  And there, the telltale brushing of a pale, manicured hand against a dirty, bone-thin wrist ensured the girl would undoubtedly be healed by morning. Touch was enough, but Aziraphale offered a comforting smile as well. "Bless you, my dear."

Crowley barely had time to take in a shuddering gasp before he unloaded it. "Ehhhhh- XHUUHH!"

"And bless you too, old boy."

"Heh-hEH-SHAAAHH! Oh guh-guuuh- uuHHH-XCHEEHH!"

Eyes watering madly behind his glasses, Crowley finally regained enough control to miracle a handkerchief into existence, pressing the cloth against the quivering undersides of his nostrils. He sniffled and hitched against the fabric, gasping heady breaths until, "h-huhhuuuuhh... heh-haAAA-XHUUUUHH!"

The words 'foghorn' and 'steamtrain' hadn't been invented yet, so perhaps the closest comparison to the sound that tore from Crowley's poor tortured nose would be 'elephantine'. He sniffled miserably into the handkerchief, massaging his shaking nose through the cloth.

"Goodness," Aziraphale stretched one hand towards the demon as if intending to miracle him better (Crowley doubted it would work), but his hand came just shy of resting on the black cotton of Crowley's robe. "That sounded like a good one."

Crowley allowed his glasses to drop so he could glare at the angel overtop them. The effect was probably ruined by the sheen of sneezy tears misting his eyes. "It wasn't."

"Perhaps you have some kind of malady?"

Crowley let the handkerchief fall a little when the threat of more incoming sneezes passed. "Malady?"

"Yes, not like the plague, but I've heard tell of some people... well, reacting to certain things. I hear there's a whole study about the phenomenon taking place in Austria. Why, just the other year I was doing some quick miracle work in Vienna~"

"Yeah, very interesting," Aziraphale would ramble all day if he was set loose. "What do you mean reacting? What would I be reacting to?"

"It's different for everyone, I'm told."

Useful. "That means my lot gave me a body with a defect?" Actually, unsurprising. Hastur and Ligur would be positively chuffed to see him a shaking, sneezing mess. Best to find out exactly what was giving him this reaction before the two Dukes could use it against him. "And everything around here I've hung around before, never affected me then."

Aziraphale began walking again and Crowley tucked his handkerchief into a sleeve before following. He might need it again soon. "Perhaps it's something new. Humanity is very good at coming up with new things."

Another sneeze from an old man on the street corner.

"Or coming down with new things."

Aziraphale frowned. "Don't be cheeky." He called out to the man, "bless you, good sir!"

"Uh-xhuhhh!"

Halfway through an exhale, the sneeze was just as unsatisfying as it was sudden. The prickling itch danced at the base of his nose, agitated and swirling with every breath but never making effort to come nearer. Crowley held his handkerchief in front of his face, hardly daring for it to brush the over-sensitive underside of his nostrils. His narrow chest stuttered with uneven breaths.

And then something clicked.

"Suh... say, angel wh-when did y-yuhuuhhh... guh, you start using th-thahhhht phrase?" Curse this, he could hardly speak for the raging trembling of his nostrils.

Through his ticklish torture, he registered Aziraphale brighten, like he'd been waiting for Crowley to ask. "Oh, do you like it? I helped coin it at the beginning of the outbreak, you know, and it's caught on quite well! It's a shortened version of 'God bless you with health' I found that saying the whole phrase lost it's... I say, Crowley, are you alright?"

The full phrase incited such an intense reaction that Crowley nearly stopped breathing altogether. The flickering tickle in his nose flared to an inferno and the resulting sensation left his body so weak he couldn't even find the strength to bring his handkerchief fully to his face, hovering in front of a nose so sneezy that the whole thing seemed to twitch with the need. "Haaahhh..." One breath, so deep he felt his pelvic floor shift. "HaaAAAHHHHH..." Impossibly, even deeper. Quite by accident, Crowley took a minute amount of air through his nose and sent the feathery sensation all the way from his rapidly reddening nostrils to the deepest depths of his sinuses. "HAAAAHHHHH..."

He hovered on the precipice, so close to relief! And then~"

"HAAAHHHHHH-XHUUUUHHHHH!"

~sweet release!

Sneeze after sneeze rocketed out of him, snapping him from arched-back-nose-to-the-sky desperation to a ninety degree explosion. "Uhhh-XHUUH! AHHH-XHEHHH! Uh... uhHUUHHH-SHAAAHHH!"

It took almost a full minute after his fit for his ears to stop ringing, immediately picking up on the obnoxious fretting of the angel. "Oh, dear, whatever is bothering you must be very close, it seemed as though you weren't even able to stop! I'd hate to imagine what you might get like if you were right on top of what's giving you this reaction!"

Crowley gave a long, satisfying blow into his handkerchief and miracled it away, the sodden cloth now entirely useless. "It's you, angel."

A beat. "I'm sorry?"

"Your phrase." Crowley rubbed a finger under his nose, trying desperately to imagine the tiny tingle was just his sinuses clearing and not oh please not the teasing beginnings of another sneeze.

"You mean 'bless~"

"Don't!" Too late. Another ferocious tickle shot through Crowley's nostril, leaving him gasping. "Iiihhhh... i-it makes me... makes muh-me..." His breath hitched wildly. "Guhhhhhiihhh... gonna snehh... sneehhhahhhh..." So close, always so close! But no matter how much he hitched and sniffled and rubbed his tortured nose, the tickle lingered just out of reach. "Ahh-aahhhngel, hihh... heehhhlp me..."

"An angel, help a demon?" Crowley had never hated the insufferably smug tone more than right this instant. He seriously considered praying for relief from this blasted itch.

"Jahh-ahhhh...just help me, ahh-hhhAAAHHHH..."

"Oh, very well. Bless you."

There it was, finally! The itch surge forward in a smooth motion and Crowley finally let loose the last of his nasal expulsions. "AAHHHH-AEESSHHOOOO!"

Sweet, sweet release.

Crowley stayed crouched in his post-sneeze position for a beat, revelling in the fact that the tickle was finally gone and his body felt more like his own now than anytime in the past ten minutes. He gave one long, resounding sniff, more because he could than anything else.

A cream coloured cloth flicked into vision. Aziraphale offered the new handkerchief with a carefully neutral face, but Crowley could definitely see those smile lines by his eyes!

Who was he to refuse a gift, though? He took the outstretched cloth and blew his nose one last time before tucking it away. Only then did he let out a loud sigh of relief. "Thanks for that, angel."

"For helping you? Oh, any time~"

"No." Crowley took his glasses off so Aziraphale could bask in the full terror that was his eyes right now, glowing unearthly yellow. "For inventing the single most annoying and widely used phrase this century." Aziraphale's little invention marked a decent amount of suffering in Crowley's future, he could tell already.

How very appropriate.

Aziraphale, anyway, had the decency to look embarrassed. "Oh, dear, I hope it won't cause you too much trouble. Perhaps it will die out in the next few years, anyway."

Some ways away, someone sneezed. Someone (astonishingly) other than Aziraphale said, "bless you."

"Heehhp-XHAHHH!"

"Or decades?"

"Guh... doubtful."

 

END

[TheCakeIsAlive]

Ohh, I do love that head cannon re: Crowley.  Thank you very much for sharing that delightful story.  

[starpollen]

I don’t know this source (book? TV?) but I enjoyed this very much! 😊 Thank you!

Edited August 15, 2021 by starpollen

[sfyrist]

I've only read the book and this is spot on and fantastic! Who better to deserve a questionable curse from a blessing than Crowley?

And who better to have that odd tone in his voice about it than Aziraphale... Mm.

Love this!

[AngelEyes]

Love this headcanon! Oh my gods, you totally have the voices and flow down perfectly. And the writing style is so true to the book. Well done! I love it!

[Cambria]

Really nice 😊

[lillian]

I love this!!