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Polar Opposites (Schitt's Creek, Patrick and David, M/M, cold)


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Okay. I finished Schitt's Creek and if you haven't watched it, how dare you? Kidding. But it's SO good. I absolutely needed to write a fic about it because I've not read but one on here and I felt there needed to be more. 

Can we talk about David and Patrick.. ugh :inlove: I had this interpretation running through my mind about how exactly both of those characters would sneeze and I found that the best fit was for them (in my honest opinion) to be polar opposites. I imagine David having this dainty, adorable little sneeze, almost as if it's barely there paired with this massive, explosive, dad like sneeze coming from Patrick. I also imagine David being one of those sneezers that typically sneezes tons of times, at an alarmingly rapid pace, not even room for him to catch his breath, and of course Patrick only being presented with 2 maybe 3 at max normally but for him to be sneeze city when he gets a cold. Gahh I get flustered just thinking about it. Alright, I'll stop rambling and get to the story. I've only done this part but I feel there is a definite part two needed to express some yummy Patrick sneezes. I promise I won't leave you guys hanging.


Patrick emerged from the back office of the store to check on David, his fiancé. He knew that David didn't feel up to par since the night before but he insisted on coming in anyways, even after Patrick told him he could handle it. He had to admit that his passion for his work was sexy, but it was clear he needed a break. Patrick slowly strolled over to his dark haired partner, gently resting his hand on his shoulder as he approached. 

"What's up?" David asked, not taking his eyes off of the paperwork he was diligently working on. Patrick noticed, now that he was closer, how disheveled David looked. It looked like he hadn't brushed hair in weeks and his poor nose was so red and raw from the constant rubbing of tissues. Patrick's heart dropped a little; he felt terrible that he wasn't more serious about David staying home.

"Are you sure you don't want to go home? I'm alright here, really."

David finally lifted his head and turned towards Patrick, placing his hands on both of David's arms. 

"I'm okay."

"I know you're okay," Patrick smirked, "I just think, to prevent yourself from feeling any worse than you already are, that you should just go rest."

"I feel fine," David assured, trying to fight off the tickle that was taking residence in his sinuses. Try as he might, he couldn't pretend that he felt 100%, Patrick was entirely too smart for that and he knew David too well. The sting in David's nose became too unbearable, causing him to quickly twist away from Patrick, an enclosed fist catching his attack of tiny, stifled sneezes. Ht'kshxxt, Ht'sccsht, Hschsxxt, Ht'kxxshht, Htsxxxchew! Finally done, David waved his hand dramatically, sighing in relief that the tickle was gone; for now. Patrick gave a small smirk, proving that he was, in fact, correct.

"Bless you," Patrick delivered, "Also, I read a study once that holding in your sneezes like that could potentially cause an eyeball to pop out." There was no remorse in his voice.

"Ahh!" David squealed, mentally adding on to his list of fears.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Now will you please go home? What would you tell me if I was over here sneezing on all of the product?"

"I would tell you to go home because you have the sneeze of an elephant and you get all wet and spitty. At least mine are contained and not making a gross mess everywhere."

"David, you literally just sneezed into your hand and you haven't even made an effort to go wash your hands the three previous times you've had a fit of sneezes. Tell me how I'm the one that spreads germs?"

David sighed, turning his head slightly away from Patrick's sight. He didn't really have an argument there. He didn't really want to go home but if he didn't Patrick probably wouldn't talk to him for the rest of the night. Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic, but he still didn't want Patrick to be mad at him for not taking care of himself.

"Fine," David sighed in defeat. He gathered his things from the back room, fighting off another set of sneezes his whole way to the door. His whole head was on fire. He couldn't contain his desire to sneeze anymore. He clung to Patrick's arm for balance as he released the irritant from his nose. Hschsxxt, Ht'kshxxt, Ht'kxxshht! David had a small moment of relief to catch his breath, but he knew he wasn't quite finished.

"You done?" Patrick questioned, watching David formulate his pre-sneeze face once more. David's finishing sneezes made him stumble, falling closer into Patrick's grip.

Htsxxxch, Ht'sccshteww!

"Alright, let's just get you home," Patrick smirked as he helped David out the door.


Back at the apartment, and about 3 rounds of stuffed up sneezes later, David was finally in bed. He had turned on some cheesy rom com to keep himself entertained while Patrick went back to the store. Or he thought he had gone back. He was proven wrong when Patrick opened the door to their bedroom, a cup of tea in his hand.

"What about work?" David asked.

"Eh, I thought one day couldn't hurt," Patrick said gently, placing the tea down on the nightstand on David's side. He then crawled under the covers next to his feverish and congested fiancé, resting his head on David's shoulder, giving a satisfied huff. "Besides, I would much rather hang out with you and your sneezies."

"They don't annoy you?" David was surprised.

"No, of course not. They're part of the reason I love you. But I am serious about the eyeball thing, you should really not do that anymore."

"Ugh, please don't remind me about that!" David squeaked, "and I love you too."

"Speaking of th- heh- that."

Patrick removed his head from David's shoulder and quickly snatched a couple of tissues from the box on his side of the bed. He handed them to David just in time. David pitched forward, tissues in hand and let out a set of unstifled sneezes, not but louder than his previous.

Schew, chshew, schsheww, scheww and with one large gasp of air a final sneeze. Sschehww! David groaned in pain. That last fit really irritated his throat. Remembering that Patrick was so kind to get him some tea, he grabbed it off the nightstand and started sipping it slowly; the heat was soothing to the glass shard like feeling he had.

"Bless you."

"Thanks," David said, noticing Patrick's lips slightly pursed; he was trying not to snicker.

"What's so funny?" David criticized, almost offended.

"Oh, nothing. It's just that.. I wasn't expecting your unstifled sneezes to be just as dainty as the stifled ones. It's cute, really, like a little mouse." Patrick was giggling. David made eye contact, trying to be intimidating, but it was cut short by a small smirk arising from his lips.

"Oh, come on. If we're comparing.. your sneezes could probably cause an earthquake. In fact, they're so loud and powerful that I feel as if the earth might split in two one of these days." David set his tea back down and crossed his arms. Patrick's smile faded a bit, slightly less amused, but his expression changed when he could feel David's breath hitching slightly. Sscheww, schheww, I- hehhh- I'm sorr- hehehh sorr-scheww, aschhew, ascsheww, hehehh aschew, schheww, ascheww, heehhh- ehh- he schhew!

David lowered his fist, gently wiping his running nose with the already wet tissue in his hand. He ended with a loud nose blow.

"Jesus, I think you set a record." Patrick exclaimed, counting on his fingers. "That's nine."

David groaned, leaning his head back onto the headboard in frustration.

"Set a record, maybe, but it did not feel fabulous at all."

Patrick leaned in closer and gave David a small peck on the cheek, realizing his skin was burning more than he had originally thought. David faced Patrick just enough that he could peer into his deep brown eyes. Patrick slowly placed his hand on David's jawline, making them both jitter momentarily. 

"I appreciate what you're doing, but I really don't fancy you getting sick. You know I feel about germs and I don't need you clinging to me in a shivering, snotty mess."

"I'm literally inches from your face, if I was going to catch it, this would probably be the time. I probably already have. Besides, you wouldn't catch it again, you gave it to me."

And with that, Patrick repositioned and pushed himself closer, softheartedly planting his lips to David's. David succumbed, kissing back. His hand trailed up the back of Patrick's neck and found it's way to his hair, pulling gently at it. Their lips departed from each other, leaving both of them grinning from ear to ear.

"Now let's watch that movie you picked out earlier and relax," Patrick whispered, not shifting his head away from David's.

"Oh, I'm very relaxed."

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Here is part two like I promised! There might be a part three, I am not quite sure yet, depends on where I think the story is going. Maybe I'll do a one shot thread like I did with Brooklyn, or maybe I'll write a dedicated story centered around one of the characters having allergies. Anyways, I promised sneezy Patrick, so here ya go!


It had been a few days since David's sick day on Wednesday. It was now Saturday; their day off. The two men were lying in bed still, enjoying the warm snuggles on a cold wintery morning. Patrick slowly woke up, the bright light piercing his eyes; apparently he had forgotten to shut the blinds the night before. David was curled up in a ball, lying peacefully on Patrick's chest. He decided not to get up right away, he liked the warmth; and to just sit there and revel in how adorable his fiancé was while he lightly snored. He was comforted by David's slow breaths that he could feel on his bare chest. Everything was silent and peaceful until Patrick felt a small itch in the back of his nose. No.. no no don't let this happen. Patrick, do not sneeze. He thought, silently. He might have been able to get away with sneaking a few sneezes if he was David, they were almost nonexistent, but he knew that if he sneezed, he would wake his partner and ruin this beautiful moment between them. His breath became more and more uneven as he tried to fight it. Unfortunately for him, he didn't have the strength to keep it in any longer. Patrick turned his head as far away from David as far he could and tried to muffle his painfully loud sneeze with the comforter. HE'YEEESSCCSHAWW!! Patrick remained in the same position, the comforter still covering the lower half of his face, fearful that if he moved he would wake David. To his surprise, David gave only a mere twitch, but remained fast asleep next to him. He was silently relieved for a moment, until another giant sneeze caught him off guard, giving him no time to prepare or cover. HE'YEEEECHSCHAAWW!!! Spit flew everywhere as David jumped awake from his slumber.

"Dear god, you scared the shit out of me." David sat up from his laying position.

"Damn it. Sorry I- hehh- I was really trying not to wake y- heeehh- you." Patrick, both hands now free, let out a couple more earth shattering sneezes into cupped hands. HE'YESSSHSHCHSAW, HEH-HEH'YESSCHHAWW! Shit- HEE'YEEESCHSAAWW! 

"Patrick, that was four. You are not a four sneeze kind of guy." David explained dramatically.

"That was actually five. There was one before you woke up." Patrick replied back nervously.

"Great. Lovely. I was so looking forward to spending my Saturday making sure you don't pass out from your deafening sneezes. You caught what I had, didn't you?" David immediately felt bad for being so harsh. It's not entirely his fault and it's not like he could help how he sneezed. He took a second to remember how loving Patrick treated him when he was in the same position no more than 2 days ago. He shot him an apologetic look. Patrick seemed to catch on.

"It's okay. I know this isn't your cup of tea, but I really do appreciate you for trying."

David, feeling slightly more relieved, placed his hand on top of Patrick's, rubbing it gently with is thumb for comfort. Patrick brought up his hand and wiped his nose with a curled knuckle, sniffing violently after, triggering another overbearing tickle. David's hand had now transitioned to Patrick's back, stroking in a downward motion as Patrick struggled to catch his breath. HE'ESCSHHSAWWW, HEH-HE'YEEEESHSHAAWWW, HE'YESSHCSH-YESSCHCSHH, HEEEHH-HEH-HEE'YEEEASCSHAWW!!! 

"Bless you."

"Thank you, but, *snrff* one question.. why are you petting me?" Patrick asked curiously.

"Well... cat's purr when people pet them."

"David, am I a cat?"

"I don't know, Patrick, I've never done this before!"

Patrick gave a small chuckle; well, what he could manage with what little he had left of his voice. It was not long before his nostrils started flaring uncontrollably again, causing Patrick to tilt his head back in preparation for another sneeze. David was determined to ignore his fears and help his desperate, sneezy fiancé. Just as Patrick had done, he plucked a few tissues from the box and attempted to hand them to Patrick, but everything happened so fast. Patrick desperately tried to grab the tissue out of David's hand but found himself pitching his head forward towards the tissue instead, leaving David to catch his sneeze. HEE'YEESCCSHAWWW!! David shrieked in horror, flailing his hand in an attempt to get Patrick's snotty tissue off.

"Oh my god I'm so- hehh ehheh- sorr- heh- ry, HEE'YYSAAHCHAWW, HEEEE'YYEEEASCHSAWWW, HEHHE-HEH-HEHE'YEEYSSCHHSAWW!!! Patrick's sneezes were so strong, they almost sent him flying off of the bedside.

"Okay, I love you, but let's please pretend like that never happened." David said, slightly showing disgust. Not for Patrick but for Patrick's snot.

"Deal *snrff" Patrick agreed.

"Now, let's get you back and comfortable in bed," Patrick was sneezing uncontrollably at this point, trying his best to catch all of them in the crook of his arm.


David willed himself out of bed and made his way to the bathroom to wash his hands and run his fingers through his hair, Patrick still going strong in the background. Every sneeze sounded louder and more painful than the last, making David jump every time.


"Bless you," David called from the bathroom.


"Bless you."


"Bless you, oh my god, Patrick, now you're setting a record."

"I don't think I've ever sneezed *snrff* that much in my entire life in one sitting." Patrick rubbed the tears from his eyes with both hands, groaning in pain and frustration. He couldn't breath out of his nose properly, especially not after that episode, and he had a pounding headache.

David smirked. "That is why you are to stay in bed and get better."

"Oh- the role's are reversed no- HEE'YEEESCCHSAWWW! now aren't- HEHHE- they?"

"Yeah, we're not going to talk about that because I don't want to admit that you're right more than I have to, okay?"

"HEEE'YYEEESSCSHAWWW!! Alright, alright. I will stay right here. I promise."


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  • 3 weeks later...

Beautiful! Very amusing. Love me some Schitt’s Creek stories. I’m glad more people are starting to write them. 

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