Interruptions (The Hobbit, Bard & Thranduil, M)

[Sequoia]

Look what I found. 1755 entirely plotless words of Bard trying to sneeze and Thranduil trying to figure out what the heck Bard is doing I wrote in one dark and rainy February evening. I have no idea how it happened. There is a second part because I can't resist the Elvenking's sneezes and apparently, 1755 words of plotless fetish stuff weren't enough for one evening. I only have to fix some spelling because at some point that night, my brain must have switched off. Perhaps it still is. 

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters and I don't make any money.
Also, I do know it is pretty unlikely for any being with a nose to not have sneezed at least once in their life, especially if that life has been going on for thousands of years, but as I said, my brain cared fairly little about this that night.

 

Interruptions

„As for the city, there are a few more topics we have to address –“ Thranduil paused and raised an eyebrow at his companion, the Lord of Dale. He was currently staring right through him with his mouth slightly agape, not paying any attention at all.

Seeing no considerable improvement despite his cold glare, Thranduil cleared his throat and addressed the man again, this time with a hint of annoyance in his voice. “Apparently, you are not aware of the importance of this matter, dragonslayer.”

Still, Bards expression did not change. However, his breathing pattern did. He drew in a shaky breath, and Thranduil sighed.

“Given your inexperience, I will let this pass. But by the Valar, quit staring at me like a goblin! We have serious business to attend.”

“Huh?” Finally, Bard lifted his gaze. Then, without a second of warning and without any context, he violently shook his head, causing Thranduil to frown. Before he could voice his irritation, Bard spoke up: “Just a second, I hhh… hihhh… hhh-!”

Thranduil noticed his voice sounded a bit… off, hazy, with a raspy tone to it. Perhaps, the wine they had shared last night had affected the man more than he had let on. Humans were peculiar beings, indeed. The Elvenking leaned back into his chair, silently relenting to the fact that this meeting would take much longer than he had anticipated. After all, he had grown to enjoy the company of the Dragonslayer, as he liked to call him.

Meanwhile, Bard continued his erratic breathing. “Hahh… hahhh… hhhh! hhhhh! hihh‘Hih-“

After half a minute, Thranduil decided he had showed enough patience and cast Bard an annoyed glance. Their friendly relationship only made up for so much, and the Dragonslayer was clearly playing at the Elvenking’s patience. “Whatever it is you are doing, I bid you to quit it”, he said.

“Ihhh… I cahhhn’t.”

Thranduil inhaled slowly as he turned to examine his companion. Bard was sitting at the edge of his chair, his gaze not fixed at the Elvenking anymore, but rather at the chandelier over his head. His mouth still hang a little open and he teetered ever so slightly on his seat. On his forehead, at the spot right above his nose Thranduil could make out some wrinkles that usually weren’t there. Overall, the man looked troubled, but not dangerously so.

“What are you playing at?”, asked the Elvenking after another minute of this strange behaviour.

Bard shot him an irritated glance. Thranduil deemed this rather inappropriate, given the fact that the human was the one who currently stalled their meeting, not him. Thus, he returned the look. Within seconds, Bard’s expression turned from anger into disbelief and finally, much to Thranduil’s annoyance, into amusement.

The man stifled a laugh. “Youhhh truly hahhh…have no idea, do-hhhh you?!,” he asked between hitching breaths.

“I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing,” the Elvenking admitted. “But I do know you will soon have exhausted my patience.”

“Hhhhhow un- hh! unfortunate,” Bard wheezed, „for this hhhh… will go ohhhhnnn until I hhhih! Until I hheh!”

“Until what?”

Again, Bard stifled a laugh. This, however, seemed to aggravate the thing that was affecting his breath. “Hhhh! hhhhHhhihh! Heh! hhhHEHhh-” Sometime during the process, Bard had closed his eyes and blindly looked up to the chandelier, where he now held his breath.

Thranduil watched him with growing confusion. Despite the peculiar breathing, Bard did not seem like he was in pain, rather… desperate to do something. But, what, by the Valar, could explain his strange effort?

Finally, after what seemed an eternity, Bard exhaled and muttered under his breath. Then, he opened his eyes. Small, glittering tears had formed in their corners, and Bard softly wiped them away with his hand.

“Pardon me,” he said, his voice still hazy. “I’m afraid I walked by the bushes in your gardens a bit too closely.”

He looked up, and smiled as he took in Thranduil’s puzzled expression. “Still haven’t figured it out, then?” Thranduil did not reply, but quickly changed his expression to an indifferent one. But to no avail: Bard’s smile turned into a jubilant grin as he cited the Elvenking’s words: “Given your inexperience, I will let this pass.”

Thranduil snarled. “There is not a single thing you could have gained more experience in than I.”

“So you say.” Bard paused, his jubilant grin widening. “Correct me if I am mistaken, but I believe I have much more experience when it comes to sneezing.”

The Elvenking blinked. “Sneezing,” he repeated.

“Indeed. It was about to sneeze, hence my…” Bard vaguely gestured towards his face. “I could not help it.”

“I hardly deem that a good reason for interrupting our meeting in this manner.”

“This statement only confirms my suspicion.”

“Pardon me? As far as I could see, you did not even sneeze.”

Bard nodded and rubbed his nose, looking a bit disappointed.

“Well, it seems you were lucky, then.”

Bard only scoffed.

“I was under the impression a sneeze was a very unpleasant sensation, surely I am not mistaken? You must be glad it has passed.”

“Your experience with sneezing must be particularly limited, for you to say something like this. Thus, I stand by my word: I am certain that I have sneezed more times today than you ever have.”

“You have not sneezed a single time today.”

“Not yehhhht!” Bard’s grin was replaced by that same desperate look Thranduil had now learned to be a pre-sneeze expression. “Hihh! Hhhh-hehh-HhHHhh-“

Teary eyes stared into the light of the chandelier, but still, no sneeze. Bard gave an irritated sniff, before his breath caught once more: “Hehh…hehhh… hhh! HHEHHH-“ Again, the desperately desired release was denied.

Thranduil watched his companion struggling with growing interest. He was starting to feel sympathy with Bard. “I take it that not succeeding to sneeze is nearly as uncomfortable as an actual sneeze?”, he asked.

Bard nodded vigorously, a small smile creeping through his frown at the sheer inexperience of this millennial-old elf. “Ihht’s mohhhst hhh – most unsatisfying,” he replied, “much hhhh! much wohhhrse than a sneeze, ihhf youhhh ask me-HEHhh! Hhhh-“ He closed his eyes, his mouth hanging open in the now truly urgent need to sneeze.

Thranduil had seen many people sneeze, but none of them had struggled as much as Bard did right now. Given his strong effort, Thranduil felt like Bard deserved the apparently relieving sneeze far more than any of these people had. But Bard’s nose cared fairly little about the Elvenking’s thoughts.

“Damn it!” Frustrated, Bard massaged his nose.

“What does it feel like?” Thranduil inquired. Bard glared at him in a way that strongly indicated he envied the elf to be able to pose such a question. “Youhhh… you’ve never hhhnhh?”

The Elvenking bowed his head. “I… I have witnessed some sneezes,” he said vaguely.

Bard shook his head. “Ihhht’s ahh tickle, hhhnh… like thousahhhnds…hhhn… of feathers arehhh stuck deep in my hhh! Hehh – my nose, and whenehhhver I hhhih-hhh! breathe, theyhhh – they hhh!Hehh…HeHHHehh!” At this point, the man stopped talking and helplessly stared into space, completely stuck in his need to sneeze. “Hehh! HeHHHeh! Hhn-Hhhhh-HnHHH-“

Abruptly, Thranduil rose from his chair and approached the man. “May I?” He could not tell whether Bard had nodded or whether his movement had been a mere side effect of the hitching breath, but given the circumstances, he thought it appropriate to take matters into his own hands. And so he gently touched Bard’s shoulder with his left hand, embracing him from behind, and with his right hand, he grasped a strand of his white, straight hair. Determinedly, he aimed for Bard’s left nostril, which started flaring at the mere sight of the strand that soon touched it in soft circles, making its way inside.

The effect was instantaneous. Bard drew another deep breath, and, with the tickly hair inside his nostrils, immediately launched forward into a sneeze: “HEHHH’ISHhhooo!“

Thranduil, feeling rather pleased with his action, withdrew the strand of hair and let go of Bard, who instantly buried his face in his sleeve, succumbing to a full sneezing fit. “Hehh… Hehh- HHh’SHooo! Heh’SHhooo! HAH’Sheeewww! Hhhnnn…. Hh’EHSHEwww! Heh’EShhheww!”

He stayed in this position for a while, causing Thranduil to grow slightly nervous. He hadn’t meant to induce that many sneezes. Surely, this amount of sneezing must have been rather uncomfortable?

“Dragonslayer?” he asked cautiously.

Bard cast a hazy look at the Elvenking before shaking into elbow for another triple: “Hahh’Shhheww! Hehhh…. Hehh… Heh-Heh’Eshhooo! Hah’Ehhshoo! Hhhnn…”

He sniffed a few times and cautiously dabbed at his nose, as if to test its compliance. Seemingly satisfied by the result, he straightened slowly. As he caught Thranduil’s eye again, a relieved smile crept over his face. “Thangks”, he said and sniffed again. “And parbdon me. I didn’t mbean to –”

Thranduil waved him off. “I do want to finish our business in time, preferably without further interruptions.” He watched silently as Bard fumbled for a handkerchief and blew his nose before turning back to the Elvenking, who had used Bard’s momentary distraction to study him closely. He seemed a bit dazed from the fit, but otherwise unharmed.

“As you wish.” The man glanced down at the parchment on the table and seemed about to continue, when he suddenly cast Thranduil a mischievous look. “Was I right?”

Thranduil raised an eyebrow.

“About me having sneezed more often today than you ever did in your entire life?”

“Perhaps,” admitted the Elvenking, “Still, I do not deem a mere need to sneeze an acceptable reason for interrupting our meeting in this manner. You were exaggerating.”

Bard scoffed. “The only reason you can say such a thing is because you have never experienced it.”

Thranduil pondered on this for a while.

“I might have.”

“I know for certain I have never seen you sneeze before.”

There was something in the Dragonslayer’s voice that Thranduil could not exactly place.

“It is rare in Elves.”

“Rare, but not impossible?”

“So it would seem,” Thranduil confirmed. This time, he had not missed the mischievous glint in Bard’s eyes, and he knew he had to stop this discussion before –

“Mhm. So, you truly are convinced that I was merely exaggerating? Despite your lack of experience in this matter?“

“I am indeed.” He knew these three words had sealed his fate, but his pride forced him to stand by his word. He could faintly remember the last time he had seen an elf sneeze. I had not been that bad, had it?

[funbusej]

Oh, I miss Hobbit and LOTR fics!!  Thank you for posting this!!

[Sequoia]

On 4/29/2023 at 5:42 AM, funbusej said:

Oh, I miss Hobbit and LOTR fics!!  Thank you for posting this!!

 

You're welcome! I miss LotR, too, and was browsing through old fics lately (which probably helped this plotbunny along :D). I've still got some snippets of lotr fics lying about, perhaps I'll tend to them next time I'm ill or bored or in desperate need of procrastination...

 

Interruptions pt. 2

Sometime during Thranduil’s musings, Bard had reached for his quill. Now, he idly rolled it in his hands, thoughtfully watching the Elvenking from the corner of his eyes. Thranduil pretended to thoroughly reread the parchment in front of him when he heard Bard push back his chair.

“May I?”

“Dragonslayer…” Thranduil leaned as far away as he could. But he could not evade Bard, who was now standing right in front of him.

“Are you saying that I was not exaggerating? In that case, I…” Bard trailed off, letting the hand holding the quill hang loosely at his side. His eyes, however, were fixed teasingly on the Elvenking.

“It cannot be so bad”, Thranduil said, more to himself than to Bard. “I have witnessed quite a number of your kind sneeze. None of them seemed to struggle like you did.”

“Well, then?”

“I’m afraid I am in your debt.” Pointedly, the Elvenking picked a stand of his white hair and eyed it thoughtfully, remembering the terrible sneezing fit he had caused. “It is only fair for you to get back at me.”

“You truly are a man of your word, my friend.” The jubilant grin had found its way back on Bard’s face. He studied the elf for a second before bringing his hand to Thranduil’s chin, gently pushing his head into his neck. “Close your eyes”, he instructed him calmly, and Thranduil briefly wondered whether he had done this before. He obeyed, shutting out the bright light of the chandelier above.

Bard let him wait for nearly half a minute before he finally brought the quill to his face. Thranduil’s fine ears made out the soft swish of the feather before it even touched his skin. Then, the feather gently caressed his features, circling over his cheeks, lips, and finally, the bridge of his nose. The Elvenking slowly relaxed under the touch and deepened his breath. But as he breathed in, a strange, tickly sensation filled his nose. Before he could realise what was happening, the feeling vanished, leaving only the soft stroke of the feather on the bridge of his nose.

“Relax. Just keep breathing,” Bard mumbled into his ear. Thranduil complied. At the next inhale, the tickly sensation returned in full force. Now that he was prepared, he detected the tip of the quill inside his right nostril, wiggling ever so slightly. Before he knew it, the feather disappeared again. But this time, the tickle stayed behind. Perhaps a tiny bit of the feather had broken off? Thranduil wrinkled his nose, promptly provoking another treatment with the quill. It seemed to go in deeper than before, resulting in another tingling sensation. His nostrils widened at the irritation.

“Dragonslayer, I hhhihh–“, he started and paused immediately. Bard had twisted the feather, and the tickle spread rapidly, from the very tip of his nose into the depths of his nasal cavities, a part of his body he had not been aware of before. The sensation filled his nose and dulled his senses. Thranduil’s eyes opened against his will, and he inhaled sharply. “hhnnhh… HHHHnnhhhhh – HhhhHEhhHHH!“

And then, there was… nothing. Bard must have removed the quill, but the tingle still lingered, creeping about in the depths of his nose. “Hhhhnnn… hhh’hhhh!” His nostrils kept quivering, and Thranduil was vaguely aware of a tear rolling down his face.

“So, what do you say?”

Thranduil blinked and tried to focus on Bard. “Dragonslayer, Ihhh! Hiihhh!” He shook his head and rubbed his nose, none of which helped to reduce the tingling sensation.

“Splendid. Ready to go on then?”

The Elvenking nodded weakly and waited for the redeeming touch of the feather. It did not come. When he opened his eyes again, Bard sat on his chair several feet away from him, seemingly reading the parchment in front of him. How had he not heard him move? And what was he doing there in the first place?

“Dragonsla- hhhah... Draghhh! HHhhnnnHH!”, Thranduil attempted to regain his attention.

“At a loss for words, are we?” Bard smirked and watched the struggling elf. “Or perhaps… You’re saying your affliction is a good reason to interrupt our serious business meeting?”, he suggested.

For a very brief moment, Thranduil considered objecting the man. But then he drew in another staggering breath and eyed Bard pleadingly. “Dragonslayer hhnnhh… Hhhihh… pleahhhse…”

“Very well.” Chuckling, Bard got up and was back at Thranduil’s side, holding the quill firmly in hand. Without further ado, the feather caressed his now sensitive nose again. The touch at his septum already triggered a shaky breath, but before Thranduil had fully inhaled, the feather already entered his nostril. “Heehhh… Hhhiihhh-“

“There we go…”, Bard muttered.

“Hhhh…. HhhnnnhhHH…!” The Elvenking felt the feather twist and turn inside his nose for a seemingly endless time, until the tickle gained full control over his body. His nostrils flared widely with every inhale, he tipped back his head and closed his eyes before bending in half with a thunderous sneeze. “Hehhh… Hhahhh… Hhhahhh! HHaHhhd’ TSSCHhSHHHhhh!”

“Bless you. That was… that was impressive.”

But the tickle had no intention of leaving Thranduil’s nose. Perhaps, his body had so little experience with sneezing that it did not know when to stop. Helplessly, the elf tilted his head back and waited for the impending sneeze. “Hhahh… Hahhd’TSSSCHhhsss! - Hhehh-Hnhhd’TSSCHHchhhhh! HHhhn’TSSCHshhh -hhrd’TSSCHhhhshhssss! Hahh… Hahhhhh- HAHHH-!” He vigorously rubbed at his nose, this time not to stop the sneeze, but tease it out. The tickle had withdrawn into the depth of his right nostril, as if it was afraid to be vaulted out at the next sneeze. “Hiihhh….HHHnnIHH – Bard, Ihhhih… hhhelpp -?”

Thranduil could barely see the man through his streaming eyes and his voice sounded as if it came from far away. “Are you certain you want me to do this again? Your nose seems rather irritated, I don’t think it’d be wise to aggravate it further…”

But the elf was unable to reply. “Hahhhdhh… HHiihh… HIHhhhnn!” Just as he thought the relief would never come, he felt a warm arm around his waist, steadying him, and moments after the sweet touch of a feather at his septum. “HAHh’dTSCHHHHchchsssss! Hhih’TSCHhschhhh! Hehd’TSCHchshhhssss! TSSCHHHhh! Hih’SSCHHHHH - hd’TSChhssssshh! HAH’TSChhh’dRShhhhshhhhchh!”

“Bless you. Are you quite alright?”

Slowly, Thranduil’s senses returned. Bard was still holding him, running his hand over his back in slow circles. As Thranduil blinked through his tears, he could make out the form of a handkerchief, which he gladly accepted.

“I am sorry”, said Bard after the Elvenking had finished blowing his nose. “I truly did not expect your reaction to be this severe.”

Thranduil sniffed and winced at the congestion. “I hardly think I broke your record.”

Bard visibly relaxed at this and shook his head. “As I mentioned earlier, I am allergic to a certain type of bush that blooms around this time of the year.”

The Elvenking raised his eyebrow. “Something simple like a bush with induce this kind of… reaction in you?”

“Sadly, yes,” said Bard with a sigh.

“I… I must admit that I underestimated the sensation”, Thranduil said, his gaze fixed at the now unusable quill in Bard’s hand. “It is not entirely unpleasant, is it?" He turned to look down at Bard, who was still holding his arm.

“Oh, I agree.”

For a second, they locked gazes. Then, Thranduil straightened with another wet sniff. “We still have to talk about the supplies.”

“Ah, indeed. And the border, if I am not mistaken?” Swiftly, he let go of Thranduil and headed back to his chair, where he busily rearranged the parchments.

“Dragonslayer?”

Bard looked up and met Thranduil’s eye.

“I will find you a replacement for your ruined quill.”

“Oh, you don’t have to!”, Bard objected, but was quickly silenced by a wink of the Elvenking’s hand. “My librarian happens to have quite the collection of quills; I am certain she can spare one or even two of them. Perhaps, we could take a look at them and find a suitable one after we have finished this matter?”

[solitaire-au]

This was lovely. Thanks so much for posting!

[RosyLights]

Oh wow, this is amazing! I love it so much- the descriptions, slow build, character dynamics, and just the general atmosphere. Great work!

[HooverAlbus]

This is amazingly done! As a fan of this series, I very much enjoyed this fanfic. 👏

[Sequoia]

On 5/9/2023 at 3:02 PM, solitaire-au said:

This was lovely. Thanks so much for posting!

Thank you! If you'd like to exponentially increase the probabilty for a third part, you might wanna join that server a friend told you about

I absolutely adore Bard and Thranduil, they are lovely.

On 5/10/2023 at 6:38 PM, RosyLights said:

Oh wow, this is amazing! I love it so much- the descriptions, slow build, character dynamics, and just the general atmosphere. Great work!

Thanks I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've wanted to write something with these characters for years and felt I never really got the atmosphere right, until this fic happened

On 8/29/2023 at 10:20 PM, HooverAlbus said:

This is amazingly done! As a fan of this series, I very much enjoyed this fanfic. 👏

Thank you! Maybe one day, there will be a third part... I need more Barduil content, even if that means I have to write it myself.