Worst Cold In Recent Memory (female, cold, messy)

[Chanel_no5]

***Note***

I posted this fic on tumblr the other day, but I actually wrote it quite a while ago (during my super horny peak lol), and I found it the other day when I looked through some fic folders, so I polished it up a bit, and decided to post. It's not typically what I usually write, it's quite heavy on mess and uncovered sneezes because apparently I'm into that at certain peak points, go figure. So if you're not into that or hints at contagion, I suggest you give this fic a miss. It's pretty nasty.  

CW: MESS

***

 

Jenny had the worst cold in recent memory and bad as she felt about abandoning her post, there was no way she’d make it to work today. She had texted her boss to let him know as soon as she woke up to the headachy, snot-dripping reality that was her life right now, and he had called her up. Probably expecting to be able to talk her into ‘sucking it up’, but it only took about ten seconds for him to conclude that yeah, she really was sick, and if she somehow managed to drag herself to work, the only thing she’d accomplish would be to pass her snotty plague on to the rest of the team.

Sick day was granted.

With emphasis.

Jenny hung up, and tried to sniffle, only to end up with an uncomfortable shift of congestion in the back of her nose, tickling her almost enough to make her sneeze… but not quite. And it didn’t help clearing her nasal passages either; what little air passed through wasn’t anywhere near enough, so she still had to breathe through her mouth. The squeaky, crackly sound in her sinuses as the congestion moved and then resettled was almost comical, but the need to sneeze was not. It felt like tiny pinpricks, sharp and intense, and they moved from spot to spot like they were trying to play hide-and-seek with her.

She looked out the window at the bright sky, trying to coax out the sneeze that teased her, but all it did was making her eyes water as the tickle intensified, but she still couldn’t sneeze.

She sniffled again. Well, not so much a sniffle, it was more like a snotty snort, actually.

“Snnrrkk!”

Oh, yuck. Thank God no one was there to see her… or hear her. She had been making the most disgusting noises the past couple of days and this cold felt like it was still getting worse, thick mess collecting in her head, filling up her sinuses and making her ears pop. Her friend had called her yesterday to check in, and it was pretty obvious that she sounded as bad to others as she did in her own ears, because said friend had laughed and said something along the lines of ‘eww, gross!’ when Jenny had sniffled one time too many.

“…snnnrrrfff… snrrrrkk! Ugh… ssnnrrrfffkkk… Oh God…”

Okay, yeah, she supposed she could understand that.

Rubbing her itchy nose with both hands, she produced another thick, disgusting sound when the snot inside her inflamed nostrils was squished with each rub. Some leaked out onto her hands, and she wiped them on the thing closest to her; her blanket.

“Arrrghh!” She tried to sound as frustrated as she felt, but her voice cracked in the most pitiful, pathetic way and she started coughing instead. It did feel good to cough, even though the cough itself made her cough even more when it irritated her already raw airways, but coughing also made her nose run. Not that it didn’t run already, but it was like this loosened up some of the congestion and sent it flowing out of her nose, onto her upper lip, then onto whatever was in front of her.

“AaaahGTSSCHGGHH!”

She was so fucking stuffed up that the sneeze sounded half stifled, although she let it out as freely as she could. It didn’t do anything to relieve the itch, it only moved the snot inside her nose enough to irritate another spot and set her off again.

“UuurrrGSSCHHGgHew!”

This sneeze was somehow both throaty and nasal and high-pitched at the end. It sounded so ridiculous that she had to laugh, which was the worst possible thing she could have done because it made her cough again. And the cough in turn made her sneeze again, thickly, messily… snottily… sending an abundance of mess and spray all over herself and all over her blanket. Looking up, she also saw a few droplets spattered over the reports she had been trying to go through but put away when her boss called, some on her pillow, which she had tried to muffle her cough into earlier, and some on her phone.

“G-gr… oh… gross… hah…” she tilted her head back as she inhaled air in hitching, wet-sounding gasps, building up to another sneeze that was bound to give her just as little relief as the previous ones. “…aaahh…” the prickle was all-consuming, it felt like it started at the base of her nose and went all the way to the tip, and deep into her sinuses, maybe even her throat. She shook her head a little bit while still hitching, desperate to get the itch out. When she finally snapped forward with another insanely messy and unsatisfying sneeze, her glasses, already balancing precariously on the tip of her sensitive, twitching nose, fell off and into her lap. Following right behind them, and spattering them good, was one sneeze’s worth of mess.

Jenny looked at the mess she had made, and sighed thickly. She had already run out of tissues, so she wiped her glasses on her shirt – an oversized worn-out tee that was too soft and comfortable to be converted to cleaning rags, at least not yet. It had originally been black, but was now so washed out it was more like a faded charcoal, and every wet spot on it was painfully visible. Not that she was going to show herself off to anyone today. She put the glasses on her bedside table and got out of bed, deciding that if she was going to get through this cold without drowning in her own snot she would have to get more tissues and blow her nose. And she would also make herself some tea, maybe that would make her perk up a bit.

Sneezing several times, not covering at all, and scrubbing at her itchy, runny nose with her hand and getting mess all over it, she contaminated pretty much every area that she passed. Doorhandles. Light switches. Cupboard handles. The kitchen counter. The tea kettle. The container that held tea bags. And while she wasn’t exactly going to admit it to anyone, she sneezed, suddenly and uncovered, while leaning over a drawer of silverware. Did it matter, though? Honestly? She lived alone, and her girlfriend was out of town on a business trip. She’d have lots of time to wash the silverware once she was feeling a little better, but she wasn’t eager to start any project other than making tea and blowing her nose right now.

“AaaERGGTSSCHHhaah!”

And that sneeze went all over the newspaper, yes. Lovely.

“AaaDJJISSSSHEW!”

Less nasal, much wetter. And in her desperate attempt at trying to actually turn away from the things right in front of her, she had instead sneezed on the dish rack to her left. And the things in it.

Good thing I can’t infect myself, Jenny thought tiredly, otherwise I’d be dooming myself to this cold several times over.

She reached for the kitchen paper towels and buried her tortured nose into several sheets at once, shuddering a little as she took a deep breath, and blew. At first nothing moved. She tried again, and this time the wall of snot bricking up her nasal passages began to buckle and then break, allowing a flood of virus-laden mess to flow out of her nostrils and into the paper separating her fingers from it. She wiped her nose and threw away the paper towels, taking a tentative sniff through her nose, only to find that there was still probably just as much left in there.

She repeated the procedure, twice more in fact, before her nose felt like it was as clear as she could get it. Which didn’t say much; if anything it felt like the wall had moved higher up, but it was still there. Blowing had also irritated her tender nasal passages even further, now she felt like she did after accidentally getting pepper up her nose when cooking. A deep, burning sensation, so irritating and prickly, but not immediately sneezy.

She really needed to sneeze though, but it was as if her body had had closed the door on the action once she had emptied her nose. Gently pressing her fingertips against the side of her nose, the side that usually was more sensitive, produced a couple of eye-watering hitches, but no sneeze. Rubbing her nose in a determined, upwards movement gave her an even more pronounced nose crease, but produced no sneeze. Looking at the lamplight did nothing whatsoever. She tried pinching her nose, sniffling, tapping the bridge, running her fingertips around the crimson, chapped rims of her nostrils so lightly it tickled. She wasn’t going to stick her fingers up her nose, but if none of this worked, she was pretty sure she’d have to stick something up her nose and coax out a few sneezes to get relief. She wasn’t too keen on risking nosebleeds either, so whatever tool she used couldn’t be too sharp. Absolutely not a toothpick. Maybe a Q-tip? She was halfway to the bathroom cabinet when she recalled that Q-tips was on the shopping list that she hadn’t gotten around to take care of. What the hell? How did you run out of Q-tips? Or rather, how did you need Q-tips to make yourself sneeze? Especially when you were Jenny. She probably sneezed half a dozen times every day without being sick. When hayfever season struck she could easily multiply that number by a hundred, at least if she didn’t take her meds. Everything made her sneeze; dust, perfume, smoke, pollen, some makeup, pepper, some other random spices… hold on, wait a second, pepper.

A little voice inside her head tried to remind her that most of the time, it didn’t make her sneeze, it just irritated her sinuses and made her sniffle for a while, but she pushed the voice aside. As sensitive and tender that her nose was already, surely the slightest whiff of pepper would make her sneeze like crazy?

Only one way to find out, she decided, went back to the kitchen and took the pepper grinder from the counter. She was struck by a coughing fit as she did, and clearly the congestion was already filling up her nose again because coughing made her nose run with renewed force. Sniffling momentarily fanned the sneezy flame that lingered inside, but not enough to push her over the edge. Groaning, she took the pepper grinder and shook it a little before turning it upside down, inhaling the tiny, burning particles into her already itchy nostrils.

Some of the pepper dust got to her throat and she dropped the grinder and started coughing again, eyes and nose streaming, her nose and throat feeling like they were on fire, but she still couldn’t sneeze. It was as if she needed to sneeze so much that her body was frozen, unable to carry out the command.

Oh God that was stupid, that was so stupid, bad Jen, bad girl, you shouldn’t have done that, she scolded herself mentally as the fiery urge to sneeze remained, but refused to be teased into action. Tears and snot leaked out and began streaming down her flushed face, as her beautiful features remained contorted in an expression of absolute sneezy torture.

She was beginning to think she might have to get that toothpick anyway when her watery eyes fell on the tissue box that she hadn’t even opened yet. Maybe…

She took out a tissue and twisted it into a pointy tool, impatiently sniffling and snuffling as she did, then shrugged.

If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself, she thought and shoved the twisted tissue deep into one twitching nostril. The tickle was immediate and shockingly to the point; she sneezed with the tissue still up her nose, soaking it and rendering it useless for a second attempt.

Not that she needed a second attempt. The sneezes burst out of her one by one, huge, loud, insanely wet sneezes that dislodged copious amounts of mess that shot out of her nose. Each sneeze only made her itchier, somehow, and the fit kept going and going, a dozen sneezes, two dozen, she didn’t reach a quivering, breathless, drippy halt until the 29th sneeze in a row, and her whole body felt about as sore as it had after the toughest kickboxing workout she’d ever done. She had made some symbolic attempt at covering, but she had sneezed all over herself so many times that the light charcoal shirt was black in front again. She didn’t even want to know how many things she had sneezed on in the kitchen while the fit went on, since so much spray had just gone straight in the air and probably leisurely floated there until it decided to rain down on whatever surface it had reached.

Good thing it’s only me here, she thought again, pulled the soaked shirt over her head, and blew her nose into it. The fabric was so much softer against her abused nose than even the lotion-infused extra soft tissues had been, and she nearly moaned with how good it felt. This fit seemed to actually have loosened up what was left inside her nose, because when she had snotted into her shirt a couple of times, she could actually breathe through her nose. Not that she would be doing that any time soon, though, because the airflow alone through such battered nasal lining immediately caused another snotty sneeze.

She was exhausted, and suddenly the tea felt like too much work, so she put the kettle aside and turned off the stove, then grabbed her tissue box and went back to her bedroom, where she put on a clean, not-sneezed-in tee, collapsed in bed, and promptly passed out.

If she had known that while she slept, her girlfriend would be back early, let herself in with the spare key, and help herself to some snacks and tea and read the paper before waking Jenny, she may have avoided sneezing openly all over the entire house.

But by the time she woke up, it was too late, and within a day or two, this horrific cold would have claimed another victim to its sneezy, snotty misery.  

 

[SleepingPhlox]

18 minutes ago, Chanel_no5 said:

So if you're not into that or hints at contagion, I suggest you give this fic a miss

Insert "Jokes on you, I'm into that" meme here. 

Also, my brain getting broken occurred at the title stage, I think that's a new record.  This fic is some solidly beautiful stuff, man. Should come with a "read with caution, or it might catapult you into fetish oblivion" warning though. 😅

[SunFlower_10]

Holy crap. I'm usually not into this level of mess and contagion at all, but this fic is incredible. I'm going to second @SleepingPhlox, this broke my brain 

[poiub]

Oh my god this is absolute sneeze smut 😂

Wonderfully written. All the detail was absolutely incredible. LOVING you in your mess era @Chanel_no5, long may it continue!!

[Chanel_no5]

On 7/2/2023 at 6:54 PM, SleepingPhlox said:

Insert "Jokes on you, I'm into that" meme here. 

Also, my brain getting broken occurred at the title stage, I think that's a new record.  This fic is some solidly beautiful stuff, man. Should come with a "read with caution, or it might catapult you into fetish oblivion" warning though. 😅

LOOOOOL Yeah, I was totally trying to troll you by writing a fic you might be into, oooh yeah!   Haha, I'm glad you liked it man, thank you!  

18 hours ago, SunFlower_10 said:

Holy crap. I'm usually not into this level of mess and contagion at all, but this fic is incredible. I'm going to second @SleepingPhlox, this broke my brain 

Thank you! You know, neither am I, except at very specific times, so maybe that's why it works for you too? It's... mess, but written by someone who usually doesn't like it?   Either way, I'm glad you enjoyed it! 

13 hours ago, poiub said:

Oh my god this is absolute sneeze smut 😂

Wonderfully written. All the detail was absolutely incredible. LOVING you in your mess era @Chanel_no5, long may it continue!!

Oh wow, thank you!   I'm glad you like it! It's a... cyclic thing, lol, but as they say, it's only kinky the first time, so there will almost certainly be more coming down the line.   

 

[Selene]

Came here to say that this was unexpectedly messy and thus very hot ^^ Especially because your writing style was hot and flawless as always! Loved the hints of contagion at the very end as well as the combination of inducing and sneezing from a cold. 

So glad you dug that out of your magic folder! And that the dark side of fetish fiction aka mess and contagion snuck up on you at some point of your fetish life

[snottysnz]

omg this was AMAZING. the detail is so good and i love mess.

[Leon]

I enjoy the mess this story has