Advice for college?

[justanotherghost2]

I leave tomorrow and honestly can't even comprehend it, I'm going to be on the other side of the country completely on my own, with financial independence and everything. And co-ed communal bathrooms(???) Does anyone have advice for college in general, dorm life, balancing classes and socials, meeting new people, etc? Also because this is relevant to this forum, advice for dating and such? I certainly don't plan revealing this side of me to anyone, at least not anytime in the near future, but I struggle to be excited about vanilla intimacy, and I've never been in a serious relationship before. Any advice on how I should approach this?

[SleepingPhlox]

This is life advice that applies to a lot of situations but: have a plan, but go with the flow.

Have a foundation in place by having a plan for the important stuff: Living arrangements, banking, what happens if you get injured, how will you be getting from point A to point B.

After that...let things happen.  Balancing your time...well, it's hard to plan for that beforehand when you haven't experienced the demands on your time and how they will affect your day.  Meeting people? Wait and see what people are doing, what types of people there are, and where are the ones that you click with spending their time?  And there is no way to know how to incorporate the fetish into intimacy before you've even met the person you're going to be intimate with, and know their individual personality and quirks.

Believe me, the "go with the flow" bit is something I had to learn the hard way, I always wanted to be ready for every possible eventuality in my life so I'd always know exactly what to do and...life just doesn't work that way.  Giving up control over the little things allows for more brainpower to deal with the big things (living space, money, food, transportation).  Trust me on this!

(ETA: My life experience includes moving to another country, and then last year uprooting my life to move from one end of that country to the other and start ALL over again so I absolutely understand that big life changes are scary as hell and it's actually okay to be terrified and disconcerted and confused, and genuinely going "This is what I have control over, this is what I will focus on, I'll let the rest happen as it happens" is an honest to goodness lifesaver!)

Edited August 19, 2023 by SleepingPhlox
Added some stuff.

[Chiguy]

Hi-

Lots of people will give you the soft advice like "open your mind to new experiences" and "embrace change." As the father of two college age children doing quite well in the applied sciences, I'm going to give you some hard advice.

The most important virtue in life is discipline. Lots of people are smart; far fewer can execute. So, remind yourself every day why you are there.

It should be to the obtain skills that will set you up in a career (not a job) that justifies the expense of this degree. Your goal isn't to join a sorority (though that could be fun if you can manage your studies). It isn't to see how many tequilas you can drink without passing out. And it isn't to find love (though again, that can be a nice benefit if you keep your most important goal in mind.)

The fail-out ratio in freshman year can be as high as 33%. That's a lot of smart people who got distracted. Almost as bad, you can severely limit your options with bad grades.

Needed at least a B in Math 101 to get into Math 203, so you can be an economics major? Fail to do that, and now you're off course. Priority in class registration in future years always goes to students with the highest grades. Now, if it turns out you don't have the math skills for something you want to do, and you have to change goals that's different than not achieving what you could have because you were at a party every night for the first two months.

Working hard keeps your options open. Success comes from options.

I'm not suggesting being a nun. But if "fun" is going to get in the way of getting a job done right, get the job done right. It will always pay off.

Edited August 19, 2023 by Chiguy

[kiku]

5 hours ago, SleepingPhlox said:

"This is what I have control over, this is what I will focus on, I'll let the rest happen as it happens" is an honest to goodness lifesaver!

I just had to quote this because it sums up so greatly what the motto of my life is. 👍 All my best wishes to you for a good start, @justanotherghost2! 🍀

[sneezefan222]

7 hours ago, justanotherghost2 said:

I leave tomorrow and honestly can't even comprehend it, I'm going to be on the other side of the country completely on my own, with financial independence and everything. And co-ed communal bathrooms(???) Does anyone have advice for college in general, dorm life, balancing classes and socials, meeting new people, etc? Also because this is relevant to this forum, advice for dating and such? I certainly don't plan revealing this side of me to anyone, at least not anytime in the near future, but I struggle to be excited about vanilla intimacy, and I've never been in a serious relationship before. Any advice on how I should approach this?

Just remember, college is where we go to GET AN EDUCATION.  Partying and finding a mate are second fiddle.  My advice to you is study, study, study! 

[MeForever]

Join a club if you can, it's how I met most of my friends. Don't be afraid to go to events to meet people. Take notes by hand if you can keep up, you learn better that way. Try to set limits for yourself to not go overboard with the partying. And stick to them! Most importantly, just remember it's going to be okay. Adjustment might take a while but it'll happen. 

[sneezysunshine]

I'm currently studying and enjoy it very much. Of course, it is always important to pass your courses and depending on how the structure is set up (it's a bit different in different countries I think) some courses are very important to pass since you can't continue with your education if you have unfinished courses. 

Like some has said above, it is very important to have discipline. For me personally I always start off new courses by mapping out the different deadlines, mandatory events and read through the schedule to get an idea of which time periods will be more rough and try to plan the work to avoid getting overwhelmed in certain weeks. In the mapping out I work with general to-do's, or more like personal "this has to be finished during this week" goals in the beginning and these lists get more and more specific as the weeks approaches and during a specific week I have clear to do's every day (if that makes sense). This way I make sure I don't fall behind or miss anything, and at the same time allow myself to feel like I am up to speed and that I achieve things every day even if the overall workload is HUGE and overwhelming. It's basically dividing it down into small, manageable steps and it works great for me since I tend to get anxious and overwhelmed and end up not doing anything at all if it's too much to do haha. 

But, in all discipline and stuff that needs to get done it is also so important for my mental health that I do other stuff as well. To only be on campus studying and going to classes and go home to study some more is not good long term, sure short periods you will most likely have to study almost all of your awake time, but it is important that it's not all you do. Join a club, or a sports team or some sort of group to find people with your interests and to get to be active/creative or whatever you enjoy in that environment. And it is fun to party if you like that, and it's an easy way to make friends if you enjoy that sort of atmosphere. 

All in all it's all about balance, and if I work hard and feel up to speed I reward myself with other fun stuff but you will also learn when you need a break. You can't study 24/7 because it is really not an effective way to learn and when you start to feel tired and can't understand what you're reading - stop and go do something else, or sleep, or eat, and get back to it later on. 

It's great fun and people tend to be very interested in getting to know new people, and everyone will be new in the beginning and thinking about that can be really comforting. It will be awesome, fun and probably a bit hard at times too but very very rewarding. Best of luck!! 

[solitaire-au]

I second what @Chiguy said.

It’s very easy to get derailed and go off course.

As well as friends you click with, it’s important to make “study friends” who are doing the same course or at least some of the subjects as you.

If you get sick or something else happens and you fall behind, your professors and lecturers are constantly inundated with messages from hundreds of students, so it can be quicker and easier to rely on friends in the same course to find out what you’ve missed.
 

And you need to have some friends who have similar goals as you wrt education, not just friends who are constantly going to try and distract you and drag you away from studying all the time.

Even if you are a super confident person who makes friends easily, expect to be lonely at times. One of the most important things I learned in the last few years, which I wish I had known years ago, is the statistics of how friendship works.
 

Research shows it that on average takes between 50-200 hours to form a friendship with someone. So if you only see a person for half an hour here and there, it can take a VERY long time to build a friendship with them. But if you spend all day with them, or live with them, a friendship is likely to form more quickly.

One of the ways to encourage this, is to look at what you do when you’re alone in public. What signals do you give to people that might encourage or discourage them from joining you? Head buried in your phone, tablet or laptop is likely to make people stay away, even if it makes you feel less awkward being alone in public. Read a book, magazine etc instead.
 

When I was in a mental hospital for a few months some years back, I was desperately lonely. I realised that sitting at a small table in the dining room every day with my back to the door was probably giving people the impression that I wanted to be alone or that if they sat down in the only other seat it might be awkward. So I worked out where the people I wanted to be friends with were sitting, at one of the big communal tables and sat there. If I was the only one, I’d sit facing the door, so that people were more inclined to come sit with me, and things went from there.

When you talk to people, ask them open-ended questions about themselves, especially about things they like, and they will be more keen to spend time with you and open up to you.

Good luck!

[Chiguy]

On 8/21/2023 at 1:29 AM, solitaire-au said:

As well as friends you click with, it’s important to make “study friends” who are doing the same course or at least some of the subjects as you.

This is spot on.

And if you have your priorities right, other things like finding the right friends will fall into place.

The right friends are fun; and help, or at least let, you get your work done well. The wrong friends prevent that. (Beware the drama queen as much as the partier. Time sucks are time sucks)

The right love interest is focused like you, and that's a big part of what you do together. The wrong love interest demands your undivided attention, and together you're unproductive.

Every roommate has annoying habits. Leaving the cap off the toothpaste is an annoying habit you live with. Having sex in your room most nights and keeping you awake is an annoying habit you can't. And this clarifies what you go to the Adminstration for. Petty they won't deal with; jeopardizing your studies they must. 

Stephen Covey calls this something like "put first things first" and it creates a virtuous circle.

Edited August 22, 2023 by Chiguy

[Spacesneezeman]

On 8/19/2023 at 8:23 AM, justanotherghost2 said:

I leave tomorrow and honestly can't even comprehend it, I'm going to be on the other side of the country completely on my own, with financial independence and everything. And co-ed communal bathrooms(???) Does anyone have advice for college in general, dorm life, balancing classes and socials, meeting new people, etc? Also because this is relevant to this forum, advice for dating and such? I certainly don't plan revealing this side of me to anyone, at least not anytime in the near future, but I struggle to be excited about vanilla intimacy, and I've never been in a serious relationship before. Any advice on how I should approach this?

How've your first few days in college been?

[PantheraPardus]

Discipline, as many people have mentioned, is vital, but it’s only part of the picture.

Be mindful of your health: try to maintain a nutritious diet, drink enough water, try to incorporate exercise or at least some movement into your days, and get enough sleep (exact amount depends on the person, but 7-8 hours is a good minimum to aim for on most days). This last is vital for cognitive performance and each hour of sleep lost has been shown to have a negative effect on GPA.

When studying, also remember to take breaks when you can (most people can only focus for between 30-60 minutes at a time, but a very short break, just standing up and walking around for a few minutes, can restore your ability to focus). It is also helpful if you can find a place (a table at a library is often best) outside your dorm room just to study, since trying to learn in the same place where you eat/sleep/relax/entertain yourself is detrimental to focusing on any of those activities (in the same vein, try to minimize any non-sleep activities on your bed). Another way to improve efficiency (as solitaire-au mentioned) is by joining a study group or studying with friends (of a nondisruptive type), since that can both increase accountability and you can usually help each other when someone is struggling with a particular concept.

The most recent scientific research shows that even low or very moderate alcohol consumption negatively affects one’s health, so, if you choose to indulge, do so in moderation and with full awareness (i.e., follow the minimum age laws in your country, be mindful of how much alcohol you are consuming, make sure your drink hasn’t been tampered with, arrange a safe way back to your dorm if you’re going somewhere that’s not within walking distance, preferably try to stay with friends who can look out for each other, etc.).

If the tenor of this post hasn’t been clear enough, socializing isn’t exactly my forte, but I found joining clubs/societies to be a very effective way of meeting new people and making friends (you automatically have a shared interest/conversation topic, having the common “label”/“identity” that comes with being part of the same group helps to build relationships—the whole “us vs. them” thing, and club meetings provide a scheduled and regular way to spend time together). Even if you don’t find any lifelong friends, you’ll at least have made some acquaintainces and explored an interesting topic.

Speaking of exploring, college/university is the best time to do that, so take advantage. You will likely have an unrivalled opportunity to explore a plenitude of subjects and activities, often for a good deal cheaper than in the adult world. You won’t be able to do everything, but try to look beyond just your major or your classes. It’s also very helpful to explore the resources offered by the career center or equivalent at your school (or any alumni programs); you by no means need your life planned out now, but it will be very helpful if you take some time to do a bit of research on possible careers/the job market and take internships to explore jobs you’re interested in.

As a final note, don’t be too alarmed when you struggle or do badly. Everyone fails or makes (sometimes significant) mistakes sometimes, especially when you’re first adjusting. You’ll have 3-4 years of school to find an equilibrium, and then an entire lifetime beyond that. Some people don’t hit their stride until they’re in middle age or beyond (recall that famous old woman who started painting in her retirement). There may always be exceptions, but, for most people, the majority of things that happen now will be just a tiny blip on the graph of their lives, no matter how devastating it may seem in the moment. Enjoy the present (you only live once, after all) but don’t lose sight of the big picture. Best of luck to you!

[SneezeAbbie]

My biggest tips are learning how to budget (I’m not sure what financial aid you can get where you’re from) but in England we get student loans based on household income. But you have to make your money last until the next semester (over 3 months). Meal prep may help with this so you don’t overspend on things you don’t need.

Socially, you just have to throw yourself out there. If there’s things you do back at home (sports, hobbies), try and find clubs that offer those things. It may help you to make friends. Also, know your alcohol limits. I learned the hard way. 
 

Not sure what else to add so if I think of anything else, I’ll put it here 

[sickprincess]

Something I wish I'd learned sooner in college is to study smarter, not harder. I like to briefly review the material we'll be covering before the lecture--it helps things "click" for me when I hear them in lecture later. Be very purposeful in the notes that you take--you don't need to write *everything* down. Try to only write down things your professor says that aren't included on the lecture slides, and feel free to write down your own insights as well. (Also, definitely request a copy of the lecture slides if your prof doesn't make them readily available to you). 

Some of your classes are going to be easier than others. There's nothing wrong with putting in "minimum" effort when you can afford to. I'm an accountant (pursuing my Master's currently), so I like to get really nitpicky and calculate exactly how many points I need to score in order to get the desired grade. If you're heading into the final, and you only need 50% on the final to get an A in the class, why would you study for that final? Use your time to study for a class you may be struggling in. Personally, I like to put in maximum effort at the start of the term, because then I can rack up those points early, and feel secure heading into finals week. It also makes professors more likely to cut you some slack if something does happen later on, and you need to miss class or you need an extension on an assignment.

Which brings me into my last point... don't be afraid to ask for help. In my experience, most professors are more than willing to work with you. They want you to succeed. Plus, the worst they can say is no. 

Best of luck!!