How far into dating did you tell your partner about your fetish?

[Plant]

How did it go? Is it worth it? Currently scared to tell mine but I want to.

[Balmora]

I've told every one of my partners pretty much as soon as we got together - sometimes it even came up in conversation beforehand. Never had anyone react in any way other than positively and even enthusiastically. 

Honestly, fetishes are commonplace and ours is really, for the most part, on the tamer end of the spectrum. I've had several partners even say that they find it cute and they're glad that indulging it is so easy.

Obviously my experience isn't gonna be everybody's - just about everyone I've gone out with is queer and terminally online, which does tend to mean they're more open about this kind of thing. Your mileage may vary.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

[Spoo]

I've been there a few times myself, so I know how scary it can be.  Historically, I've always told my partners within a few months. Especially if I felt that the relationship was solid and wasn't going to crash and burn.  

For me, it was worth telling them. They were all very kind and supportive (and indulgent!). I hope you have an equally pleasant experience, should you choose to tell. 

[solitaire-au]

The short answer: after several months of dating, and it went well. (We’re now married and my husband happily indulges me.)

The long answer: There are more detailed answers from myself and others here:

 

[peach2218]

4 years of marriage and 8.5 years of dating. 🫣 I do not recommend waiting that long. 
 

We still haven’t talked about it since the initial reveal in July. I’m too embarrassed to bring it up, and I think he is afraid to make me uncomfortable because I was obviously upset and ashamed when I told him. 

[Plant]

thanks for the replies everyone! helps me worry less about it.

[klick22]

I’d piggy back off what Spoo said - once you know the relationship is somewhat solid, then it’s a good time to disclose your fetish. Keeping it a secret for too long, as well as engaging in the fetish community behind their back, starts to linger into ‘cheating’ territory **maybe unpopular opinion**

[Guest]

There's no one size fits all approach, but on balance most people I've told have reacted positively. It's a good measure of some other things, like tolerance and empathy. 

I tend to tell people I'm dating after all of the following milestones have been completed:

1) We have started having vanilla sex, learning each other's likes and dislikes when it comes to physical intimacy, and we seem to be mutually compatible in that regard. 

2) I have already seen them sneeze a few times, meaning I can tell them specific things I like about their sneezes, and that if they end up developing a mental block around me I don't miss out (which only happened once but was a real shame!).

3) I have established that they are generally sex-positive, empathetic, and progressive in their views.

I don't think telling people your kinks is necessarily a must for every relationship. 

[Guest]

On 11/25/2023 at 6:55 AM, klick22 said:

Keeping it a secret for too long, as well as engaging in the fetish community behind their back, starts to linger into ‘cheating’ territory **maybe unpopular opinion**

This can be true. I've been with people who see my posting on the forum like that. But it doesn't necessarily have to be true. 

It depends on what we're talking about. I would argue that, if you're in a relationship where you can't watch porn or consume erotica without the other person being upset, you are probably not in a healthy relationship. Similarly, interacting with threads like this which enable you to explore your sexuality in a safe way with similarly inclined people should be fine. On the other hand, if I were in a committed monogamous relationship, I would certainly change the types of conversations I have with individual members of our community even if I didn't sever contact completely.

ETA also if you don't tell a partner you're into sneezes, but then you do get sexual gratification from their sneezes, someone else's, or general sneeze talk that comes up in conversation, you risk getting into predatory behaviour. A vaguely similar example is that I manage a woman who is prone to colds and allergies, and I deliberately steer away from conversations about that, because passively finding a more junior colleague / an employee attractive is one thing, but exploiting that is completely unacceptable. You can be with a partner, like their sneezes and not tell them, but if you start fetish mining them then you're taking advantage. 

Edited November 26, 2023 by Shining Light

[klick22]

These are all really sound arguments and I can’t say I disagree with any of them. I’m sure many would also agree with you. You even taught me a new concept with “fetish mining” which is a new way to think about that 👏

Nonetheless, unfortunately, in today’s modern dating world, polyamory, ‘rosters’, soulless dating apps, just being an outright hurtful person, and more are all very popularized. These very sound morals and ethics you speak of might not be as widely accepted anymore.

[Guest]

Polyamoury isn't inherently immoral. It's just that a polyamorous relationship can often have uneven power dynamics or a degree of deception which are bad. Usually in favour of men who just want to have a lot of sex.

[klick22]

I rarely ever see polyamorous relationships with truly even power dynamics 

[Plop68]

I think after you have sex at least once

[BlessMeAchoo]

In my head I told my ex a few months after, but apparently he said I told him before getting official. We were close already, just never met face to face. Which explain why I did this.

I wanted him to know, in order to not find it strange when we had 18+ activities.

I think I did the good thing because he accomodated me a lot and could enjoy sneezing while making up.

[loveuskinny]

we were dating about half of a year. it is worth it 100000000%!!! great experience 

[TartanSneezer]

I’ve only told one partner about it who is now my ex. They were happy to indulge after a while, it was initially a shock to them so we talked it through 

[BelieveInRollins]

I think I told my fiance like 8-9 months in. I actually had him guess what it was by giving hints lol he was pretty intrigued and def uses it to his advantage. He is willing to use Chhinkni to get sneezes going but he also sneezes a lot naturally. We are on opposite working schedules so when I’m asleep he is up so of course sometimes he sneezes and it startles me awake and I slowly turn over to stare at him and he just smiles and blows me a kiss. Like he knows what he has done. 😂 honestly it was the best thing I ever did. 

[Kidder]

I actually don’t want my partner to know. It would ruin the fun of the secret enjoyment of watching them sneeze if they did! Does anyone else feel that way?