Engaging In This Community While Also Having A Partner

[klick22]

I’ve come across a handful of people recently who engage in this community, but also happen to have a significant other in real life. Their engagement ranges from barely to quite frequently. Their dynamic with their partners also ranges. Some of their partners know and don’t care. Some keep it a complete secret from their partners. 
 

It’d be a whole thing to dive into each scenario and debate the ethics, morals, etc. But what I’ve ultimately concluded is that if your significant other doesn’t know about your involvement in a fetish forum, it’s likely because they’d consider it cheating if they were to find out. That is completely a personal opinion and I’m sure there’s many who would disagree. It’s obviously very nuanced. But I’m curious- what does everybody else think? 

[Likesn]

Ummmm..... I'm gonna go with: Huh? That is a pretty bold assumption, to say the least. It seams more reasonable that if someone hasn't told their partner about the forum it's because their partner isn't aware of the fetish itself. Many people would wait a long time before letting their partner know anything about the fetish and some people would rather never tell a partner and let the fetish be their own little thing that they keep to themselves. It seems pretty extreme to me that talking with a bunch of strangers on an internet forum would be considered "cheating", even if what they're talking about is a sexual fetish. Personally, I'd consider it a red flag if someone's partner would see activity on the forum as something even close to cheating.

[klick22]

Aye man valid! Like I said I’m sure some would disagree and it’s a very nuanced thing. My post is more generally speaking meant to spark discussion. It obviously depends on what exactly that person is doing on the fetish forum, and even then it’s very subjective. 

[sneezysunshine]

I agree with @Likesn on this one. And then again, every relationship is different and every scenario is different just as you say.  For me (as one of the people here with a partner, that also had this discussion with you before haha) I say it all depends on wether I feel comfortable and if I think it's cheating. I trust my own gut enough to know if my partner would feel hurt about it, even if they don't know about the fetish. I know them, we've had that discussion about lines and what not. Like I assume most people in serious relationships have. Some people consider porn cheating, some does not. And I think it sort of boils down do that a bit. Me reading some fanfics, writing and being creative about it and talking about something strange and very personal to me to strangers on the internet that happen to share the same strange thing does not cut it, for us at least. Then again, if I were to have very personal NSFW chats with people or sharing explicit material of me? A whole other thing, but again I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. So I think, it's your choice if you don't won't to talk to people in relationships, just as well as it is their choice how much and to what extent they want to engage. And just as always, I feel like it's the people that's in the relationship that has the responsibility to honor their relationship, not the rest of the world, because it's simply impossible for other people to know the premise for everyone's relationships since it's so different for different people. At least that is my take on it.  

[Morningsmith]

7 hours ago, klick22 said:

if your significant other doesn’t know about your involvement in a fetish forum, it’s likely because they’d consider it cheating

Got to disagree with this, a lot. "Cheating" means breaking the rules, betraying trust, and relationships don't all have the same rules. Boyfriend and I talked about a fully open relationship at first. We'd both been in them before. Our rules now are that text based stuff online is fine - just no pics or vids of ourselves, or in person stuff, and that's what I keep to on this forum. The reason I haven't told him has nothing to do with guilt or judgment. It's simply because it's hotter for me that he doesn't know. It allows a whole other dynamic of "innocent" sneeze hotness in our relationship. And I know he'd be ok with me not telling him. We've established that in a million hypothetical discussions. I'm sure there are things he doesn't tell me, and that's ok with me too.

I think the thing you are describing, where people don't share because they think they're doing something bad, must be real for some people. Heaven knows there's enough shame in the world, and also betrayal of trust.  But shame and betrayal aren't the only reasons for privacy.

[Inducer]

So, I am married, my husband does not know about my interest in sneezing or this board and I have no plans to tell him.  We have other kinks that we do share and enjoy together and some that we have tried that were much better in fantasy than in reality.  So, I've decided this is one that I would rather keep in the fantasy realm.  Porn and solo activities are acceptable to us when our schedules or libido's don't line up, and we've always been very open about that.

That being said, I engage in this forum or other platforms with zero intention of ever having one-on-one private discussions with anyone or engaging in sneeze play with anyone.  So, within the understanding of our relationship, engaging in this forum or watching vids on youtube are no different than any other type of adult content that is acceptable, so would not be considered cheating or bad within our relationship.  

[Dusty15]

7 hours ago, Inducer said:

Porn and solo activities are acceptable to us when our schedules or libido's don't line up, and we've always been very open about that.

This feels like how I'd approach it if I was in a relationship. If you're both okay with the other engaging with porn in a healthy, solo way then that seems totally fine by me. People have very different dynamics in partnerships. I guess the only thing I can see that would feel like crossing the line is engaging in sexual chat with other forum members privately. If you're exchanging material and chatting intimately, then some folks might see that as cheating. But I don't think reading the forum/sharing stories or audio/browsing content would feel like cheating to me. 

[JackHarknessTW]

I think it’s similar to your partner watching porn. Both are not bad in any way.

[RosieB]

I think it really depends on the kind of relationship you have with your partner. Some people prefer monogamy while others prefer polyamory.  Some people view watching porn or engaging in other sexual content online as a form of cheating while others think it is totally acceptable. I think another thing to think about is a lot of people feel extreme shame or anxiety about their fetish and don't feel comftorble disclosing it to people in real life. In this case the internet provides a way to interact and explore the kink with like minded people without being judged, it also allows you to remain somewhat anonymous. So I guess my opinion is that I don't think it is necessarily bad to be in a relationship and interact with the community.

[peach2218]

I don’t converse with anyone regarding fetishy material on here (except for engaging in discussions in “public”). No flirty DMs or wavs or anything like that. 
 

I kept the fetish itself secret from my husband for 8 years of our relationship. Not because I was “cheating,” but because I was deeply ashamed of the fetish and disgusted by it. When I finally told him, all I did was open the forum on my phone and plop it on his chest. Couldn’t even say the words.

He’s aware of the existence of the forum, and I’m sure he knows I use it, but we haven’t discussed much about the fetish since the day I told him. Probably because I was so upset about it that he doesn’t want to bring it up and make me feel bad. However, if he asks questions and wants to delve deeper into my fetish, I’d have no issues telling him all about this place. I’d be pretty mortified, sure, but I have nothing to hide, per se. The forum is more of a community for me, rather than a porn site or something. 

[klick22]

This is a community, yes, but the basis of the community is a fetish, and a fetish is inherently sexual. And it is also fair to say that sneezing [fetish] is our version of ‘conventional’ porn, therefore this forum is a porn platform. 

Now, does engaging with porn outside of your romantic partner equate to cheating? Like Rosie said, it depends on the relationship. And it also depends on the specific actions taken with porn/the community. However, I will say that — 

Cheating has become such a subjective term, and in my experience & demographic, infidelity is becoming more common and less of an infraction. 

[kathleenh4656]

To me cheating means, a secretive in-person, physical, sexual meeting with a potential new significant other, while already with someone else. During my first marriage both of us "Cheated" partly because the 15 year marriage was already crumbling, so it didn't seem to matter. The fetish wasn't as strong as it is now.

I don't consider being here or listening to sneezes to be cheating. At the moment it's something I do, and there's no serious s.o. to tell😉. I'll broach the subject if/when necessary.

[klick22]

So for example, if you were in a relationship with someone, and you were exchanging nude photos with another person behind their back, that wouldn't be considered cheating to you? 

This affirms my point that cheating has become completely subjective. 

[kathleenh4656]

That would probably be considered sexual teasing.

[Prodigy]

My partner knows about the fetish, willingly participates in teasing me, and knows about my involvement in the community (posting and formerly moderating here, formerly posting and enjoying clips online). 

 

But he enjoys his own interests online. We will often show each other something particularly fun, even if it's not in the other's wheelhouse. 

I know sharing about interests like these isn't for everyone in every relationship, but we enjoy these fun little aspects of each other.