Couple's Counseling (M)

[gay-for-the-snz]

Crossposting from my Tumblr! a little look at modern!AU for one of my characters, Elliott! Specifically, looking at the end of his marriage, and serves as more of a character study piece than anything else (I wasn't sure about even crossposting it here since it's kind of light on snz and relatively heavy on the emotional and mental aspects, but, y'know, why not lol?)

A little notice before anything else that there's some discussion of Catholicism in case that's not anyone's cup of tea, and it is primarily focused on the reasons they're divorcing, so it's kinda heavy. Do with that what you will!

⁂

He rubs a hand down his face as he sits in the world's least comfortable chair, staring at the bluish grey wall in front of him. At his side, Elliott snuffles into a handful of tissues the receptionist offered on the way in.

He can't believe he's here. He never expected to be married, but he especially never expected to be in fucking couple's therapy. He hates the idea of this. But he has to at least try, lest anyone accuse him of having bailed on the entire marriage.

It's not an exceptionally flattering to have people know about you, of course. That your marriage is so rocky that you had to resort to some stranger being brought into it to give you their thoughts. To condemn or absolve actions and parties. He's never been much one for allowing anyone into his life in so personal a manner--but, of course, maybe that's why they're here? That he wasn't open enough to others and their input.

His thoughts are interrupted by footsteps approaching. "Corben? Elliott?" The woman that greets them is dressed smartly, clipboard in hand as she looks them both over. "I'm Amelia, it's nice to meet you. I'm going to pull just one of you back at a time if that's alright?"

"I thought this was a both of us at once kind of thing?"

"It often is, and it will be, but I find it's usually helpful for honesty to get a chance to talk to both people separately before we come together. It removes some of the pressure of having to say something in front of the other right off the bat. Is that alright with you both?"

Corben opens his mouth to speak, but Elliott replies first. "hhH'IDZZHH'ue! Hh-! ...iITZZHHiew! ...excuse me." Well. Perhaps "replied" was putting it strongly. Elliott was the first to get a sound out.

"Bless you," comes the chime from the pair of them in unison.

He glances over at Elliott, making sure that he isn't chomping at the bit to go first before answering. "That should be fine. Do you care which order we go in?"

"Either one of you is fine. Would you like to start?"

He doesn't admit it, but he does. Some panicky flutter in his chest that says if he doesn't go first, he's going to be fighting against accusations the whole rest of the way. "That's fine with me."

The office is, thankfully, more tastefully decorated than the lobby. He settles into the chair awkwardly, unsure of exactly what to do with himself. He cracks his knuckles as she takes her seat opposite him, consciously making the effort to go one at a time just to slow himself down some.

"So," she sets her clipboard aside and brushes a handful of twists over her shoulder, "is there some way you'd like to start?"

"What do you want me to say? I'm here because--" he laughs, rubs a hand down his face again. "This is going to sound pathetic, I guess. I'm glad I'm first. I love Elliott. I don't want there to be any doubt about that."

"Why would there be any doubts about that?"

"You don't know him. You will, but you just--I feel fucking insane for having to say this. Listen, Elliott's a good guy. A great guy, even. I don't know if there's anyone out there that's more caring for everybody around him."

"But?"

"But...it's hard to be married to. Do you know what it's like to be in a commitment with a man who will drop everything for anyone in need? I am, and always have been, second fiddle to whatever random problem crops up that he's convinced himself desperately needs his attention and cannot go on without him. I don't want him to think that I don't love him. I don't want anyone else we know to think that I don't care about him."

"That sounds difficult, feeling invalidated and like you aren't a priority. Have you ever tried bringing this up to him to address it?"

"I've tried, but he just doesn't get it. That was the thing that attracted me to him first, y'know? I was just...in awe about how someone else could have so much compassion and kindness in their heart. But he doesn't know how to keep it in check. He doesn't have that capability to say "this isn't my problem" or "I feel bad and want to help, but doing so would put me and my family in a bad spot". He just can't walk away from someone that needs something. And that sounds like an admirable trait, right? And maybe it is! But just not to this level. But how do I explain that to anyone else?"

"I think you're explaining it very well right now. Who are you worried about saying this to? What are you worried they'll think?"

"I'm married to a yet-to-be-canonized-saint. If I divorce him, I'm going to be the guy that divorced the nicest man on earth! It's so much easier to be his friend than his husband. Anyone else that gets irritated or exasperated by his behavior has the option to just leave. I don't get that luxury. I have to spend my time not only working full-time, helping raise a child--that I didn't even get ASKED about adopting! He just brought her home without consulting me whatsoever and expected me to roll with it!--but I'm also spending time putting out all the fires behind him. He's my responsibility, and nobody else gets that! All they see is that he's so kind! That he's so loving! And he is, but he's just--"

"That's a lot to process, suddenly becoming a parent. You are well within your rights to be upset and feel violated, because you were. The real question is what your next step is going to be."

"I spend the entirety of my day taking care of them. I feel like I have two kids sometimes. And I want this to work. I want it enough that I agreed to this stupid counseling and it--uh. No offense--"

She laughs. "None taken. You wouldn't be surprised to learn that you're far from the first person to feel like this was stupid or a waste of time. Coming here at all was a big step, and I'm glad you made it. All I ask is that you try and give the process a fair chance and engage with it."

He runs a hand through his hair, bouncing a leg as he looks out the window and into the scenic view of the parking lot outside it. "I love him enough I came to couple's counseling. But I just don't think there's any way I'm going to make it out of this marriage looking like the good guy. When we got into our last fight, he moved out and has been staying with a coworker. Which automatically makes him seem like the selfless one, but once again he didn't think about the consequences of this. Now I'm having to take time off work because I can't go to my job and leave our kid completely alone in the apartment with nobody to feed her or take her to school or pick her up. I didn't choose to have a kid, but now I'm the one parenting her full time for the last week and a half while he's out there looking like a martyr."

Corben buries his face in his hands with a groan, and silence fills the space between them for a moment. Finally he looks back up with an utterly weary expression. "Do you know what it's like to have someone kill himself in your name when you never asked for it? I didn't ask for a martyr in my marriage. I don't want it! I want him to live better than this! And I especially want him to understand--after everything I've done for him--that I love him. I don't know how he could possibly feel like he's the only one who's trying when I have done my absolute best to make this work. I don't know what else I can do, short of letting him burn his life to the ground like he seems intent on doing."

"You sound like you're shouldering a lot here, emotionally as well as financially. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is let go, if we decide that's the right option."

"Are you saying you think we should divorce?"

"It's not my position to say to anyone whether they should or should not be married. Unless in cases of physical harm where it's unsafe for you to stay, I'll recommend you exit the relationship if safe."

"Is it...is it bad if I kind of wish you'd say you think we should?"

"I don't think so. Most people come here for help. Some of them come for help in repairing a marriage that they think still has potential. Some of them come for the hope that I'll make a ruling as a professional that says 'leave' and gives them that sort of authoritative backing to go back and say 'see? Even a professional thinks it can't work.' It isn't wrong for your feelings or desires, but it's not something I can give to you."

He slumps in his chair, puts his face back in his hands. "You're right. I just--I love him, but I don't think I can be married to him anymore. He told me last week when he was leaving--accused me of not loving him anymore. That I didn't care about this marriage as much as he did. That hurt. I may not be Catholic like he is, but that doesn't mean that I didn't see this as a serious commitment. Who's always there to pick him up after he overextends himself? Who's taking care of our kid right now? Who stays up late to clean the apartment and finish all the tasks he didn't, and cooks because he burns water, and sits in bed with him when I'd rather be trying to sleep and puts fucking VapoRub on his chest so he can breathe? Assures him, time and time again, that I love him and he isn't a burden on me? Sometimes he IS a burden, but it would be cruel to say that to him! He--it's not my place to tell you about his upbringing, but I can't kick a man when he's down. I have a certain amount of grace with his behavior because I know he is trying his best to be well adjusted and it's an uphill battle, but how far is that grace supposed to extend? How long am I supposed to shoulder the weight of all the responsibility so he can have his heads in the clouds and his heart and house on the line?"

"It isn't your job to take care of someone indefinitely. Setting boundaries is an important part of being married, but also an important part of just being a person in general."

Corben laughs, a mirthless thing that has him look up to meet her eyes. "He doesn't take boundaries. You apply any pressure to him and he overreacts like you're telling him you hate him and want him to go jump off a bridge. I love the man, I truly do, but you're walking on eggshells around him to avoid upsetting him. He doesn't mean to, but he just can't help it. He doesn't know how to be...I don't know, normal about it, I guess. But I think I'm done. I don't think I have anything left to say that I haven't already said, and I'm sure we're almost done with my half hour. Give him any extra time I had left, I'm sure he'll need it and then some."

By the time they get back to the lobby, Elliott has moved from the world's least comfortable chair to the world's least comfortable...what would he call that thing. Elliott would know. He always knows this kind of thing. That stupid half couch he's sank onto like a wilting flower, folded up weirdly and softly open-mouthed snoring to avoid the wall of congestion that's currently making it impossible for him to sleep normally.

Corben kneels down beside him, runs a hand through his hair to cup his cheek. "Hey." Even now, he can't find it in himself to hate him. He still loves him, even after all of this. "Come on, wake up."

⁂

He startles awake despite the gentle touch--he hadn't expected to fall asleep at all, but especially not here on the divan in the waiting room. He flushes with embarrassment as he rights himself, scrubbing at his nose through the tissues. "Sorry, I--is it my turn?"

"It is."

"Right. I, uhm--" he interrupts himself with a pitiful snuffle, "do you have tissues in your office?"

She smiles warmly. "I do. Let's come on back and we can talk."

By the time he sits down in the office, the already thoroughly used tissues have become absolutely unserviceable. He gratefully tears another handful out of the box and, after some debate, opts to blow his nose as softly as possible. "I'm, uh, sorry."

"For what?"

"A million things. Right now, mostly for being, uhm, sick. I would have rescheduled, but I was feeling mostly fine yesterday, and trying to schedule around both of our work and our daughter's school isn't--oh-? HoldonI--" He rushes as much of a sentence as he possibly can into the space of half of a breath, before the rest is stolen from him in a desperate gasp that sees him ducking into cupped hands with a pair of absolutely wrenching sneezes, the sound of it so utterly cold-ridden and contagious that he's mortified someone else heard it. His cheeks burn crimson as he makes awkward eye contact over his fingers.

"Bless you. Take a moment if you need it." She has the decency to avert her eyes from him as he cleans himself up somewhat, a string of apologies accompanying his efforts. "Can I ask why you're sorry for being sick? I get the feeling that it's not strictly that you're concerned about passing something to me."

"No, I--well, I mean, I am worried about that, but it's also--" he trails off, absently rubbing one of his wrists in a nervous habit. "I don't know if my husband told you, but this is uhm--I mean, it's not--I guess what I'm trying to say is that it isn't uncommon. More often than not, I feel like he often ends up having to sort of step in, I guess? as a caretaker? I don't want him to feel like he has to, I mean, I have plenty of experience with it. I can manage just fine. But he doesn't like to see me suffering, and it--I think it frustrates him. That he feels like he has to do that, even if I tell him that it's unnecessary. I don't think he wants to, so I don't know why he does, if it's causing that kind of resentment?"

"I think you've answered your own question. You said he doesn't want to see you suffer. Perhaps he's trying to take some of the burden of making that happen off of you?"

"That's not it. He doesn't--he's told me directly that he already takes on too much of the burden of our marriage--not IN our marriage, OF it. I think--I think that he thinks that I can't handle myself--no, you know what? I know he thinks that of me. That I don't know how to handle my own business like an adult. Those little snide remarks he makes, and that look in his eye. I know he thinks that I'm just some--some fool who's drifting through life without a care in the world!"

"That sounds very difficult to deal with, feeling as if you lack the support of your spouse. Why do you think he would have that impression of you?"

"He--I'm sure he told you about it already--"

"I don't make a habit of interrupting, but I'm going to here, because you look like you're looking for me to validate this. This is your time to share with me. I want to hear things from your perspective, and delve into your feelings."

He looks aside sheepishly, unable to meet her eyes for a moment. "I, uhm--the way I grew up wasn't...ideal. I should consider myself lucky because I knew other kids who had it way worse, and really the worst part for me was moving a lot, but it was--I mean, I shouldn't really complain. I'm sorry."

"I haven't heard any complaining yet. And, if I can be bold, this is the place to do it. Please, go on."

He pinches at his nostrils through the tissue he's retrieved while they spoke to keep wandering hands occupied, feeling the sharp tension in his shoulders and consciously trying to take a breath to relax them somewhat. "I just--I guess it was hard. Being a foster kid, and always being the new kid, and the weird kid, before finally I was just the kid that was moving, because someone didn't want him again. And I should consider myself lucky, I wasn't abused, no one was ever unkind to me, they just--I was hard to have around, I guess. This isn't the first time that I've been in therapy--they shuffled me between therapists, and between homes, and took me on and off meds to try and get a handle on me--but I don't know that it ever really worked. Oh, God, I'm rambling, aren't I? I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry at all. That sounds like a very difficult way to grow up, what makes you think that your husband would mention this to me?"

He laughs, which triggers a chesty cough. "Why wouldn't he? He's more than happy to tell anyone who will listen that I'm broken. That I can't--that there's just too much. That I'm too much. That I'm too scared, and I'm too messy, and that he feels responsible for me, and that I'm broken. He never lets me forget that my childhood was rough, and that I still have healing to do, and he will take every opportunity he gets to just throw it in my face that I'm a work in progress and he is a saint for taking me on as a partner and a--a project, almost! I'm married to a man who doesn't think any better of me than you might look at some shelter dog in a Sarah McLachlan commercial!"

He buries his face into his hand with a sob, and is distinctly aware of how absolutely fucking lame this is of him. "Why am I even here? Why do I even want to save this? We haven't been happy in months. He moved to the night shift just to get away from me, and I know he doesn't forgive me for adopting Warren, and he knows that I don't forgive him for saying it wasn't our problem. I mean--how could he ask me to say no? He thought I could see another kid about to go into the same system I went through, that her mom went through, and say 'well, that's fine, I guess, nothing to be done about it'? She--her mother promised me that it would only be temporary, and I believed her! I didn't sign us up to be parents forever! I agreed that she could sleep in the guest room for a couple months until Florence was back on her feet! But he doesn't seem to understand the difference! He won't forgive the difference!"

"Why do you want to salvage this marriage? What about it makes you feel like you'd like to see it continue?"

"I'm Catholic. I--look, don't get me wrong, I know that it--it's complicated being gay and also Catholic, that this might be contradictory to be able to be willing to--to bend the rules, I suppose, on some aspects of it but not others, but it--I just, I can't get divorced. That's all there is to it. And--and I love him, and I don't want him to be gone. Our daughter deserves to have the family she was promised, and I deserve to have the husband I was promised, because Heaven knows that I've upheld my side of our marriage!"

He seems taken aback by his own answer, and stares out the window in silence, brow furrowed. "I don't think it's going to work. I--I just don't know if there really is anything to salvage here. I don't know if he wants to. I don't even know if I want to. I don't know if it's that I want to stay married, or if it's that I just don't want to divorce. I don't know if that makes sense. They sound like the same thing, but...I don't know."

"Trust me, I know that they're two very different things. Is there anything else you feel is pertinent to this discussion, or would you prefer we go get your husband and we can talk about scheduling our next session?"

"I think that...I don't know. I don't know if he loves me. Actually, you know what, I do know he loves me. But I don't know if he likes me. I don't think we had enough time to really figure that out. I had just left Virginia, and I guess I was sort of...dazzled by him? Here was this man almost a decade older than me who seemed to really think I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and maybe I was too eager to move on with my life to really think it through. We don't have anything in common. His coworkers don't even know that we're married. I'm just his 'roommate', and maybe a 'friend' if pressed beyond that, but I'm never his 'husband'. I don't know if I ever will be. Well, I mean, I certainly won't be if we divorce. Maybe that makes it easier for him? You can avoid having to tell your coworkers you got divorced if you never told your coworkers you were married.

"Did you know that there were only the two witnesses and the officiant at our wedding? What was supposed to be the most beautiful day of my life was in a courthouse in my one pair of slacks, with my boss, and one of his coworkers, just so we had enough people to make it legally binding. That wasn't I dreamed it would be when I was a kid and thinking that someday maybe I would get to have something big and beautiful, with enough friends and family to pack the church to the gills and be spilling out the pews. None of this was what I thought it would be. Maybe I'm just fighting for the dream and not the reality. Maybe he's right that I've always got my heads in the clouds and I'm never on the ground like I should be."

He scrubs at his nose, chewing on the inside of his cheek. "I think that I, uhm, got what I needed out of this. Thank you for seeing us today. I'll, uh, call your office to schedule our next appointment. I think I'd rather go home and just...try and sleep off this cold."

"If that's what you'd like to do, that's alright by me. It's been a pleasure talking to you both today. I hope you'll excuse that I don't shake your hand."

"I don't mind at all. I don't know that I'd let you if you'd asked me to."

When he rejoins him in the lobby, Corben is idly flipping through some ancient golf magazine that probably pre-dates the opening of the whole office. He looks up, the shadows under his eyes and the tension in his jaw both easy to spot. "Are you ready to go?"

"I'm ready. We'll, uhm, call you soon. Thank you again."

They never do call back. Corben starts the divorce proceedings that next week, the packet of papers slammed on the kitchen table in the middle of breakfast and left in silence to be filled out "when you find the time".

[dwaekki]

Wthhh 😭😭 none of this went in the direction I expected and I don't know if you were going to take this anywhere further, but I would be interested to see what happens! My heart breaks for this couple so I think I'm gripping at threads here that maybe something will reunite them, but that's up to you. I loved this! 

[gay-for-the-snz]

On 4/3/2024 at 4:05 AM, dwaekki said:

Wthhh 😭😭 none of this went in the direction I expected and I don't know if you were going to take this anywhere further, but I would be interested to see what happens! My heart breaks for this couple so I think I'm gripping at threads here that maybe something will reunite them, but that's up to you. I loved this! 

You're so kind! Unfortunately this piece was retrospective, they've been bitterly divorced for years by nowadays, but I thought it was interesting to look back on and explore more. Maybe in another life it would've worked out for them ❤️ you will probably still hear Corben mentioned in future things since they co-parent and are forced to interact still, but it's pretty unlikely he'll ever really feature in anything too heavily

[Candy Dust]

So very well written! 

I just don't know who I'm rooting for, if I am even able to do so lol. But I tend to lean towards Elliott. Also Elliott is such a sweet name. 😍

I'll look forward to the next part.