"This isn't just a game. Your life is on the line. Well, not really. But that would be cool, huh?" - (11 Parts)

[Pilgrim]

Okay, first a little background on how I came up with what you're about to read. I was lying around in my room about a week ago thinking about Yu-Gi-Oh (the card game) for some reason, and it occured to me that it would be pretty funny if they had cards with names like "Allergy Attack" or "Sneezing Fit", ect. And after laughing a little at this private joke, I thought, "Well, then again, why not?" So I wrote the inanity you are about to read. Now, be aware, I'm trying out a lot of new things in this fic, so I desperately need feedback on it. Here's some crucial information I need to know. Remember to be as honest as possible, I see this as just an experiment for now, so I'm not going to take any harsh comments to heart. And I do plan to write one more installment, just to make sure this thing gets a fair chance.

1. Is this idea too strange or bad, and should I drop it and give priority back to the conventional stuff? (I've got this great idea where two cops are locked in a room and one has a cold and, well, I'll tell you the rest later) Or, does this idea work, and should I make a series out of it?

2. In the game people summon monsters, which are sometimes somewhat attractive women. Would it be acceptable to have them sneeze too, or would that be corssing a line I've already gotten dangerously close too when I decided to write a sneeze fic about a card game? (To be fair, there is real fan-fiction about Yu-Gi-Oh. There shouldn't be, and part of the reason I wrote this one is to make fun of them, but it's not entirely unprecedented)

3. On a scale of 0-10, how crazy have I gone since I was last seen? Maybe this will help your decison: smorty smort, blort deblort.

Okay, now a quick and easy explanation of the game (people who know how to play shoul read this too, since I'm using the Duelist Kingdom rules, which don't technically exist) This is a card touranment held on an island with arenas that project holograms of the cards to bring life to the game. Each individual game is called a duel, and to win the touranment a player (or duelist) wagers "Star Chips" at the beggining of each duel in the hopes of collecting 10 in total, so that he or she can move on to the finals (remember kids, gambling is fun!)

A player starts a duel with 2000 life points, and wins by reducing the opponent's life points to 0. They do this with monsters that they summon to fight each other. Each monster has a certain number of points, and the difference between their points when they battle is subtracted from the owner of the losing monster's life points. Also the losing monster dies. If one was in defense mode isntead of attack mode, the owner of the losing monster doesn't take damage, but a defense mode monster can't attack another mosnter.

Monsters are supported by Spell and Trap Cards. These cards have a myriad of effects, but their general purpose is to help your mosnter win. Trap cards have to be on the field face-down (or "Set") for one turn before they can be used, but they can be used on the opponent's turn, unlike Spell cards. And only 1 can be set per turn.

Okay, you probably didn't read that. That's okay, I'll make refernce to the mechancis of the game in the story to help you along. It's not really all that important anyways, I don't suppose. So, we're ready to get on with it. BTW, if you want to know what the cards I didn't make up look like, use this: http://www.netrep.net/

It has been almost ten years since the Duelist Kingdom tournament, where the champion Yugi Mutou faced off against the game’s creator Maximillion Pegasus to save his grandfather’s soul and keep his magical Millennium Puzzle (Note: Really). Since that time there have been many new rising stars in the game, and so Pegasus has decided to host another tournament. Only this one won’t be a ruse put together at the last minute just to get a hold of an ancient Egyptian artifact from some kid. No, this one will actually serve the purpose of testing the skill of the new generation. However, since Pegasus has by now become older, busier, and more than a little crazy, he will not be hosting the tournament this time around. Instead, he has entrusted management of Duelist Kingdom to a finalist of the larger, more recent Battle City tournament: Marik Ishtar(Yeah, I know that’s random, but he was a cool villain, and Pegasus gets to come back all the time, and Marik’s got the same first name as me but spelled differently, so he’s the boss for this one) We now turn our attention to three youths of particular interest who are about to embark on their quest into Duelist Kingdom.

Name: Sora

Age: 17

Hair Color: Black with orange streaks (from sun)

Eye Color: Blue

Apparel: Yellow blouse, brown skirt, deep blue pocketed jacket, brown boots.

What makes her sneeze: Pollen, Colds (which always go to her nose and not her throat, for some reason)

Deck Theme: Bishoujo

Bio: Sora got into the game when she was 16 under the inspiration of her long-time friend, Zachary. She revealed a talent for the game and extraordinary intelligence compared to the average player (she was one of the few people who was able to perceive that Yugi, the Japanese champion, had a split personality) Her deck is made of a mis-mash of cards, most of which are female monsters. Despite this unlikely deck theme, she made significant progress in the Japanese regionals and no one was surprised when she was invited to the second Duelist Kingdom tournament. What was surprising was that she refused to participate unless her best friend, Anastasia, was also allowed in the tournament. Perhaps even more surprising, Marik consented.

Name: Anastasia (Annie)

Age: 18

Hair Color: Red (curly, slightly past shoulder length)

Eye Color: Green (Plus black-rimmed glasses)

Apparel: Black tank top, hip hugger jeans, red sneakers.

What makes her sneeze: Animal fur, Sunlight

Deck theme: Valkyries

Bio: A transfer student from Russia and Sora's best friend, she became hooked on the game as soon as Sora told her about it. While she doesn't display nearly as much skill as her friend, she has an uncanny ability to find exceptionally rare cards, which has allowed her to construct a deck of exceptional power. Since she's in the Duelist Kingdom tournament primarily as a courtesy to Sora, she feels that she owes her friend all the help she can give. Of course, she's not about to waste the opportunity to show the world what she can really do.

Name: Zachary (Z)

Age: 18

Hair Color: black (spiky)

Eye Color: Brown

Apparel: Blue Jeans, Black T-shirt, long brown trench coat, black and white sneakers

What makes him sneeze: Nothing (getting talked about behind his back, stating that nothing makes him sneeze)

Deck Theme: V to Z

Bio: Zachary didn't get his nickname Z because it's the first letter of his name. He actually got it because he's come in dead last in every tournament he's ever played. Nonetheless, his vast record of losses has made him an expert on what doesn't work in the game of Duel Monsters, even if he's still not sure about what does. A long time friend of Sora, he also began serving as her mentor after she got interested in the game. Z isn't participating in the Duelist Kingdom tournament; he's just there to give morale support to his friends.

We join our three heroes on one of the many paths that crisscross the island known as Duelist Kingdom, on their way towards what their high-tech map tells them is the closest unoccupied duel arena. Their leader, Sora, rushed ahead of her friends Zach and Annie, taunting them for being slow to try to get them to hurry up.

“C’mon, c’mon, we don’t want it to be taken before we get there!”

“There’s a reason it’s the only one left. Everyone else already got all the good ones. No one’s going to race us there.” Zach said, panting.

“What kind of field is it, any ways?” Annie asked her friend as Sora ran further ahead of them.

“Flower meadow. No one ever chooses it because the only monster types that it gives a power boost to is plants and fairies, and no one plays those monsters because they suck.”

“Flowers? Uh oh. Sora, wait up!” Annie dashed ahead to catch up with her friend.

“Huh? Hey, what’s the rush?”

The two reached their friend at the top of a hill overlooking the meadow, who stood frozen, apparently gazing at a figure standing in the meadow inspecting the flowers. As the figure turned towards them, Zach grabbed the two girls and dragged them behind a wayside boulder.

“Hey! What’re you-“ Sora protested as Zach shoved her head down on to the ground to silence her.

“Hush! Don’t you know who that is?” He whispered urgently. “That’s Joey Wheeler’s sister, Serenity. Joey’s the number three duelist in all Japan, and almost as high in the world rankings. You’re good, but there’s no way you can go against those odds. I just hope she didn’t see us…”

As he trailed off, the trio heard the sound of footsteps coming through the grass.

“Hello? Is someone there?”

The footsteps came closer as Zach struggled to keep his captive still.

“What’s wrong with you? Quit squirming.”

“Uh…Z? Sora’s allergic to flowers.”

Zach twitched, and then looked more closely at where he was holding Sora. As chance would have it, he’d shoved Sora’s head directly into a small flower patch.

“Aw, crap.”

That’s an understatement Sora thought to herself as her eyes watered, adding to the stream of mucous that was flowing from her nose. She didn’t bother sniffing, since she knew that would only add to the cloud of pollen spreading throughout her nose. She put up a vain mental fight against the increasing need to sneeze, since she really didn’t want to start off the tournament against a relative of one of the best in the country, but her allergies didn’t seem to care. The tiny grains bounced around her nasal passages almost in time with her soon-to-be opponent, and she felt she could almost picture a sneezing fit forming in the back of her nose and preparing itself to ruin her hiding. She silently begged it to die out, but considering it’s source was mere centimeters from her face, it was a futile plea.

“HAATCHHOOUH! ATCHOO! CHOO! EEAAACCHHOO! ACHOO! ECHUH! CHUH! AGGGHHCCCCHOOOO!!!”

Serenity peered around the boulder, alerted by Sora’s ferocious sneezes. Her appearance hadn’t changed much since the days when she would back up her brother when he was dueling. Her reddish-brown hair hand grown to almost waist length, and she still wore primarily pink, although now she left her blouse unbuttoned at the top to give a better hint at her matured femininity. But her most prominent feature was still her shining, soft brown eyes, which her brother had worked tirelessly to save years ago in the previous tournament.

“If you guys are hiding from me, you chose a really bad spot, considering your poorly dressed friend seems to have hay fever. Now get out here and duel me. Marik’s rules say you can’t refuse a challenge.”

“Ooooohhhh, this is so not happy. What’re we gonna do?” Z wondered allowed, while Sora continued sneezing.

“Relax, Z,” Annie whispered to him, “If she was waiting out in the meadow, that means she must either play a Fairy or a Plant deck, and you said yourself those monsters suck. This should be a piece of cake. I can take her out no problem.”

“No…AATCHUH! I’ll take her on. I…EESSCHUH! AAEECHUH! Payed good money for this outfit. She’s going down.”

“But Sora,” Z protested, “Won’t your allergies…”

“I’ll just have to beat her quick. Like Annie said, piece of cake.”

“Ummmm, hello? Still standing right here.” Serenity leered at her challenger.

“Okay, this is definitely not happy.”

***

The two duelists stepped up onto a large mechanical arena that rose out of the meadow. The arena had a podium at either end where the duelists would play their cards, and then the arena would project holograms to simulate their effects. The arena also contained a number of extra systems to simulate the effects of the cards, such as the heat of a fire attack, or the quaking of a giant monster’s walk. The center of the arena contained a large portion of the meadow, still intact with the uprooted ground. Sora grinned at her opponent from across the arena.

“So, how about we make this interesting? Let’s wager all of our Star Chips. That means the loser gets bumped off the island.”

“Fine by me, but I don’t see why you wanna go all out. I was just joking about the fashion thing.”

“Well, you shouldn’t have, because now I’m all pissed off! So let’s start already!”

“Okay, okay, sheesh. I’ll go first and play Grass Phantom in attack mode. It only has 1000 attack points, but this field gives Plant monsters a boost of 30%, so it’s attack strength rises to 1300! And that’s all for my turn.”

Sora laughed at the weak-looking Plant monster, which degenerated into coughing as she started her turn.

“I summon Hibikime, and I’ll have her wipe out your pitiful phantom with one sweep of it’s scythe.”

The toga clad, blue-haired siren wiped out the monster with it’s greater attack power of 1450.

“Your move, Seren…Sere…SE-AKTISSHOO!”

“Bless you. And thanks for killing off my decoy. Grass Phantoms gain an extra 500 attack points for every other Phantom that’s in the Graveyard. Now, I could have my second one wipe out your Hibikime, but I’d much rather let you wipe this one out too so my third one will be at maximum strength. I’ll play this one in defense mode, and place a card face-down with it. Then I’ll activate one of my favorite Spell cards, Spore Release! As long as it’s on the field, every Plant monster you kill will release a cloud of spores that will not only power down your monsters, it’ll also aggravate that little case of hay fever you’ve got there. I guess you were wrong about me being apiece of cake, huh?”

“Haaah-Atchuu! Hardly. I summon Queen’s Double in Attack mode. This monster can by-pass your monster and attack your life-points directly!”

“Don’t do it, Sora! Remember her face-down card? It’s got to be a trap!” Annie called out to her friend.

“You’re friend’s quite astute. I activate my Trap card, Staunch Defender. It forces you to attack my monster, whether you want to or not! Now, your Hibikime monster will wipe out the Phantom, and activate the effect of Spore Release!”

As the siren’s scythe sliced through the specter, a cloud of red spores flew from the destroyed plant and engulfed Sora and her monsters, sending her into a sneezing fit that doubled her over with it’s ferocity.

“EESHOO! ESSHOO! ESSHOO! AKTCHEW! TTIISHHOOO! EEEHH-ISSHOO! IISHHOO! IISSHOOO! UUHHTTTCHEWW! Oh, goh... EESHOOO! Oh, UUHHSHOOO! TTCCHHEW! PPFCCHHEW!!”

Serenity giggled. “I’ll take that as a signal that you’ve ended your turn. Hmmm, I could wipe out your monsters with a powered-up plant card, but I think I’ll instead try to out-do my last play by placing Spore Bomb face-down defense mode. It’s weak, like all plants, but if you attack it, you’ll flip it face-up, and it’ll release spores of its own, in conjunction with Spore Release! Of course, you could opt not to attack it, but then I could just flip it face-up next turn and release the spores myself.”

“This isn’t good.” Zach muttered to Annie. “Those Spore tokens drain 300 attack points from all of Sora’s monsters. Any more, and they’ll be even weaker than Serenity’s weakest plant monsters. Plus, I don’t know how much more of those spores Sora can take. She’s a mess.”

It was true, the spore clouds, in conjunction with the already high pollen content of the surrounding air, had colored Sora’s eyes a deep red, and was keeping streams of liquid coming down her face, which the tissues she kept pulling form her pocket were doing little to stop. Her face seemed frozen in pre-sneeze expression, as her nose itched horribly but no longer held the intensity necessary to form a sneeze, which would only multiply into another huge fit anyways. Nonetheless, she smiled at Zach and winked, refraining from speaking for fear of breathing in more pollen than she had to. Then she began her turn, which Annie will now narrate on behalf of her incapacitated friend. It’s not really part of the game, but it’s the only way you’ll know what’s going on, and they always announce everything in the show for some strange reason. I mean, the point of putting the cards in different positions is so that you can play it without saying anything and let the cards do the talking. And it really doesn’t make sense that they’re always so exuberant when they narrate what’s going on. Of course, I guess that they are usually playing for the fate of the world or a relative’s soul or whatever, so that’s reason to be excited, but that really just raises further questions. Why would some great evil use a card game to take over the world? How would one even go about that without sounding like a goofus? But, I digress.

“Sora will now use Polymerization to fuse her two monsters into one! All right! Now she’s got one of her most powerful cards on the field, the Empress Judge! It’s got attack points to spare, so it can destroy you’re monster without fear of becoming too weak. Unfortunately, a Fusion Summon counts as a Special Summon, and Special Summoned monsters can’t attack the same turn they’re summoned, so you’re Spore Bomb has one turn to live before it get’s totally trashed!”

Serenity laughed again. “We’ll see about that. My turn. I play my ultimate trump card, the Magic Garden of Fertility! It draws on the power of any field that increase the strength of Plant monsters, and allows either player to Special Summon as many Plant monsters as they want from their decks for a mere cost of 300 life points per monster. So, by decreasing my life points down to 650, I can fill up my field with Plant monsters, among them my third Grass Phantom, which has an attack strength of 2600! Next turn, when all of my monsters will be ready to attack, you’re Empress judge will go down right before you do!”

Sora doubled over in shock instead of sneezing. She couldn’t believe she was about to lose to the weakest monster type in the game! As she drew her last card, however, a thought entered Zach’s head.

“Sora, ignore her! It’s far from over! The Magic Garden is still on the field! That must mean that it’s connected to all the monsters she summoned with it. If you can get rid of it, all those monsters will disappear too! Don’t give up!”

Sora grinned at her friend, looked at her hand, without a second thought played a powerful Spell card of her own, Heavy Storm.

“Alright! Heavy Storm wipes out all Magic and Trap cards on the field. That means your whole field just got sent down the drain! Say bye bye to your little flower garden!”

“Wait, stop! You don’t know what you’re doing! This is a mistake!”

“No mistake, I promise you that…uh-oh.”

Sora looked on in horror as her card took effect. The arena’s high-power fans created a whirlwind in the center of the arena to simulate the Heavy Storm. Unfortunately, it also showered both duelists in pollen the vacuum sucked up from the meadow. Serenity simply brushed it off, but Sora was plunged into the biggest sneezing fit she’d ever experienced in her life.

“SSCCHHSSHOO!! SSCCHOO! EESCHHOO! CHSCCHOO! ETCCH-SCHHOO! EEEHH-ISSHOO! IISHHOO! IISSHOOO! ATCHUU! CHUU-CHUU-CHUU-CHUU-TCHUU-CHUU! EEAAACCHHOO! EEAAACCHHOO! ECHUU! CHUH ETCCHUU! HA-ISSHOO! UUHHTTTCHEWW! ATCHOO! CHOO! ECHUU! AAAGGUUUGGGH-HHCCCHHOOOOO!!!”

Despite this fierce attack, Sora was still able to summon another monster (Dark Witch) signal for it to attack Serenity’s only remaining monster, releasing even more spores into the air.

“Hang in there, Sora, you’ve almost got her! Unless she draws a super-powerful monster next turn, she’s lost. And considering that power play she made earlier, I don’t think she has any strong plant monsters left in her deck.” Annie shouted at her friend, while Serenity glowered at her deck.

“It’s true. There’s nothing I’ve got left that will save me. I concede defeat. But don’t think you’ve heard the last of my Plant monsters. My boyfriend is in this tournament too, and when he finds out you knocked me out of the tournament, he’s going to waste no time in taking revenge. Personally, I’ve got no hard feelings. You played well. Here.” Serenity walked around the arena to Sora and handed her a pink silk handkerchief.

“It’s better for your nose than tissues, and you can’t use it up. Just so there’s no hard feelings for my insulting you, or for what my boyfriend is going to put you though later. Till we meet again!”

Serenity walked away giggling, leaving Annie and Zach bewildered at her attitude change after the duel, and giving Sora some time to finally attempt to expel all the pollen from her nose with several gurgling, long, long wet blows into her new handkerchief.

“I think that’s our cue to get out of here. C’mon, Annie. Let’s hope the next duel is a little easier on the nose than this one was.”

[spoilers: It won’t be]

[Frostybite]

Nice start. I enjoy female anime fic quite a bit. Nothing to crazy about any of your ideas to me.

[Blah!?]

Veeerry nice... I don't know jack-shit about Yu-Gi-Oh, but thanks to your careful explanations, everything made sense to me.

I look forward to part 2!

[Pseudosneeze]

Very nice. I like how you also point out the show's flaws in the middle of the fic. After all, at the end of the day, it really is just a card game.

[Demosthenes]

Anybody read the Yu-Gi-Oh! manga? It blows the socks off the TV show, Japanese or dub. And I usually am the one who smacks on people who say "the manga's better!" so I not just saying this for the heck of it either.

Not sure how well it translates to a fic but this was surprisingly good. (hmmm, sneezing while hiding) Keep it up!

[Pilgrim]

The manga does indeed rock. I've always held a little contempt for the anime though. The game was fun as hell. Special thanks to Ranch 99 for selling me and my friends booster packs months before the first card was translated into english >.>

[SneezeLike]

wow, longest intro to a story ever, but needed i think for us who dont know the system. very good start so far. keep up the sneezy-work!

SL

[InLivingColor]

Wow, good story man. I noticed you failed to point out that if someone doesn't play a monster, they can;t lose under Duelist Kingdom rules. As for the actual 'monsters' sneezing, I don't think anyone would care if you had Dark Magician girl or the Gemini Elves sneezing....actually I think DMG did Sneeze in the Jap version. Keep up the good work man

[Pseudosneeze]

Dark Magician Girl sneezing?! When did that happen outside my imagination?

[Frostybite]

Now that could be fun to see.

[Pseudosneeze]

Serenity's boyfriend. It wouldn't happen to be Tristan, would it?

[sneezinglover]

Wow, I love yugioh! maybe you could put alexis from gx in there?

[Pilgrim]

No long-ass introduction this time (you're all crushed, I know) Just a couple of quick things. First, a disclaimer. The following chapter contains explicit cold+germ fetishism (one of my personaly favorites, I don't mind telling you) I know a lot of people are repelled by that particualr brand, so I felt I should give warning. Second, there's nothing in this fic that meets the requests from my request topic, because by the time I saw the new ones I'd already written half of it >_> However, at least 3 of the following will appear in next week's installment:

1. Dark Magician Girl sneezing

2. Cold sneezing without germ fetishism

3. Sneezing caused by magic

4. Alexis sneezing

And as before, you can go here to get a look at any cards I don't make up (or weren't made up by the show) http://www.netrep.net/

That's it. Enjoy.

“Ouch! Will you cut it out?”

As the three friends hiked a winding path into mountainous territory, Sora had lightly hit Zach on the head with a long stick she had found by the road for the 43rd time since her duel in the previous chapter.

“Say you’re sorry, and that you’ll never forget about my allergies again.”

“But I already said that forty-two times! It’s getting old-OW! Okay, okay! I’m sorry and I’ll never forget about your allergies again. Now will you please stop hitting me? I promise, I’m taking us as far away from any plant-life as possible. Just up ahead is the wasteland. The field would drain strength from any Plant monsters played on it. I just hope we don’t run into any Rock or Dinosaur themed decks up here. Those monsters are powerful enough; with the home field advantage, they could be nigh unstoppable.”

Just then, the trio heard a yell of dismay coming form a little ways ahead.

“No! My Tyranno! How could this happen? I had the home field advantage!”

“Hey Annie, let’s hurry and see someone make a total ass out of Z.”

As the two girls sprinted off, Zach hung his head.

“Why do I even open my mouth? OW! Hey, no throwing sticks! That hurt!”

Zach joined up with his friends to see a distressed young man with shoulder-length brown hair, a khaki vest over a green sweater, and a red wool beanie. As the two girls moved to question him as to what had just happened, they saw that his nose was red and runny, that his sleeves were damp, and that his eyes were bloodshot. He shoved past them without saying anything, though the victor of the duel was more than willing to give a general summary.

“Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! I am teh l33t haxxorz! Now do you twerps believe me? I, Dr. Jherm, am not only a brilliant doctor, but I am also a skilled sorcerer! I posses the ability to bring these cards to life, as they were in ancient times when Egyptian sorcerers played this same game not with cards, but with true spells and demons summoned from magical lands! (Note: I didn't make this up. This is actually what they claim happened) Who else dares challenge me?”

The doctor was not much older than our protagonists, though he certainly seemed older. He had a blonde beard that covered much of his face, thick black glasses, and a long white coat typical of doctors. All in all, he looked much too official to be making claims that he was a magician. Nonetheless, no one in the crowd stepped forward to answer him. Oh, except for one young redhead.

“I’ll take you on, Barbarian Warlord of the Amish. And what’s more, I’ll prove you’re no sorcerer.” Annie stepped up to the podium and set her deck down. “Shall we wager two star chips? It’s all I’ve got.”

The doctor was stunned.

“Wh-wh-wh-what’s this? You not only don’t believe my claim to magic-using, but you say that you can disprove me, even though you admit through your wager that this is your first duel here? And then you insult my beard? This is an outrage! I will not only relive you of your only star chips, but I will make sure you suffer the full power of every curse I know! I accept your challenge!”

“Annie, I don’t know if this is such a good idea. This guy is quite obviously a lunatic. He might try to attack us with his shoe or something. And I’m not sure about the ethical implications about beating someone with a mental handicap…”

“Chill out, Z, I know this act. The bad guys always try to pull something like this; pretending that they can bring the cards to life. Those Orichalcos guys, Marik, even Pegasus. And Yugi beat them all. It’s just a trick.”

“If you say so…” Zach backed down reluctantly, then noticed Sora wandering the background, apparently oblivious to everything that had just happened.

“Hey! What are you doing? Annie’s in a duel here.”

“Okay, be right there. I was looking for another stick, but all I can find is rocks.”

Zach twitched. “You…you’re not going to?”

“No, of course not, that would be cruel.”

“Zach breathed a sigh of relief. “Good. I-OW!”

“These pebbles on the other hand…”

“I said I was sorry!”

Dr. Jherm looked on in amazement.

“And they call me crazy. Alright, I’ll start off. I play Giant Germ in attack mode. Then I set one card face-down and end my turn.”

“What’s with you guys and your 1000 attack point monsters? I summon Fire Princess to destroy your Germ and subtract 300 points form your life points.

As the fiery girl blasted the large purple sphere apart, a fine mist emanated from the burst monster and drifted over Annie, who then lost 500 life points. The doctor’s life points then increased to 2700.

“I activate my Trap card, Numinous Healer! It increase my life points by 1000 when they become damaged. And my Giant Germ deals 500 points of damage to the owner of any monster that destroys it! Plus, it has the additional ability to replicate itself upon destruction, so another Giant Germ has now taken it’s place. I probably should’ve mentioned that earlier, but then you wouldn’t have attacked it!”

“Yeah, yeah, enjoy the moment while it lasts, kid.”

“Y-y-y-you dare to call me a kid? Look who’s talking! You’re the one with the runny nose.”

Annie was about to come back with yet another witty reply, but paused to wipe her suddenly dripping nose on the back of her hand.

“My prognosis: you’re coming down with a cold, thanks to my Giant Germ. It always starts with a runny nose, but it’ll get worse, trust me. Of course, maybe I’m wrong, and you’re just a snot-nosed brat. That’s not a lot better on your end, though, is it? My turn. I activate the Spell card Ekibyo Drakmond, the Black Dust. This card infects one of your monsters with this deadly disease that will destroy it in two turns and prevent it from attacking. I’ll set one card face-down and end my turn.”

The black dust from Dr. Jherm’s Spell card had turned Annie’s Fire Princess a sickly blue color. To everyone’s amazement, the hologram of the gray-haired girl then wiped her nose on her long red robes and sneezed several times. “Psheew! Hep-shew! Shew-eshew!”

“Okay, I know we’re in the future and all, but there’s no way they have the resources to program holograms that realistically. Could this guy really be…?” Zach stepped back in awe. Sora wasn’t shaken, though.

“Come one Annie, prove this guy to be the quack he is! There’s gotta be a trick to it somehow.”

Annie nodded and made a confident gesture. She knew she could win this game, but that wasn’t what was bothering her. She was starting to feel a little congested, and while she still didn’t believe the doctor was a sorcerer, she also still hadn’t figured out his trick. And if she didn’t find out soon, she was afraid she was going to end up with a bad cold anyways.

“I summon Valkyrie Zweite to the field! It’s special ability allows me to remove one monster from the field, and I chose your Giant Germ! And, since it was removed from play and not destroyed, it’s effect doesn’t activate!”

“By the Hypocritic Oath, you’ll pay for that!”

“I’m just getting started. You may be able to prevent my Fire Princess from attacking, but I can still use it’s special ability! I activate the Spell card, Gift of Eir! It increases my life points by 400 for every monster on my side of the field! And when I gain life points, Fire Princess deals 500 points of damage to my opponent!”

The sickly girl raised her long wand, and blasted the doctor with a fire ball. He was ready for it though.

“I activate another Numinous Healer card, increasing my life points by 1500!”

“Hey, that’s cheating! That card only raises your life points by 1000!”

“1000, plus 500 for every Numinous Healer card I’ve used previously. Another detail I ‘forgot’ tell you about. Now, shall I begin my turn?”

“I’ll set 1 card face-down. Then that’s all.”

“Good, because it’s time for things to get really sick. I summon the best monster in my deck, Injection Angel: Fairy Lily!”

As the pink-haired nurse appeared, Zach cringed in horror.

“No way! I know that card! It’s attack strength is only 400, but if it’s owner pays 2000 life points, it can raise it’s attack strength by 3000 with that giant syringe it carries!”

“Syringe? You don’t mean it takes steroids do you?”

“What? No! This is a kid’s show, remember?”

“Hey, will you two stop yapping already? I’m trying to beat your friend here. Fairy Lily, attack with full power!”

“I activate my Trap, Waboku! It’ll take all the damage from this turn for me! You just wasted 2000 life points!”

“Grrr, I activate Red Medicine, to increase my life points to 2200! Now, if you attack my Lily, I can still use her effect! Take your turn. And by the way, your Fire Princess’ time is up.”

The red-cloaked girl shivered, coughed, and disappeared in a miniature inferno, leaving behind nothing but black dust, which then drifted over the Valkyrie.

“Hey! What’s going on?”

“Like any good virus, the Black Dust doesn’t just leave the field once it’s successfully taken out a monster. As long as monsters are destroyed by it’s effect, it’ll linger on the field. Too bad for your Valkyrie, huh?”

The graceful, armor-clad woman with long pink hair fell to her knees sneezing as Annie began her turn. Then, strangely enough, Annie did the same.

“Hmmph-CHOO! Mmph-Choo Heh-eh-mmph-Choo ker-CHOO! KA-CHOO! Ugh, adyode hab a tissue?”

Sora moved towards the arena to hand her friend what remained of her tissues but was stopped by a shout from Dr. Jherm.

“Hold it right there! Duelists aren’t allowed to have any contact with outside parties during an official duel, as per Duelist Kingdom rules. If you get any closer, I have the right to disqualify you!”

Sora exploded in outrage. “You’re seriously going to call the officials on me just for giving my friend something to wipe her nose with? And when it's your fault in the first place? Where’s the logic in that? What’s wrong with you?”

Zach grimaced, “So Annie won’t be able to blow her nose for the whole duel? Ugh, remind me not to shake her hand after the game. OW! Sora, stop throwing things at me!”

“Dat was frob be!” Annie called, her nose dripping steadily. “You could be a liddle less sarcastic ad a liddle bore subbortive, you dow!”

Actually, Annie was just generally pissed at her opponent, who was smiling smugly at her predicament. Not only was she losing, but now she was catching a doozy of a cold, and she didn’t have any tissues. She looked at her monster, who sneezed sympathetically under her gaze. Wait a minute…

“I’ll sed Dunames Dark Widch id defedse bode, ad ed by durn.”

“Ha ha ha ha ha! Giving up, are we? Well, I don’t blame you. I’d want to get to blow my nose as quickly as I could too. But I think I’ll prolong your agony a little longer…I summon Absorbing Kid from the Sky! He only has 1300 attack points, but he increases my life points by 300 times the level of the monster he destroys. I think I’ll have him destroy your Dark Witch, since she only has a defense strength of 1000. But her level is 4, so she’ll give me 1200 life points! Thanks for the gift!”

The chubby cherubim launched a beam of light at the red-armored Witch, and glowed brightly at her destruction.

“That’s all. If you retract that comment about my beard, maybe I’ll end the duel next turn and put you out of your misery.”

Annie smiled and wiped at her reddening nose.

”Dow chadce, you quack. I’b aboud do ruid you wid ode of your owd cards. Id case you forgod, Ekibyo Drakmond now destroys by Valkyrie. Bud thed id boves od do infed the closed modster. Ad, seeig as how you cleared by field, thad beans your trub card id dow your bigged hadicap.”

The black dust settled over the pink-haired nurse, sending her into a sneezing fit of her own.

“Hatschioo! Hashoo! Hah-Hatchioo! Choo!”

“No! My Lily! H-h-h-h-how could you do this?!? My own virus, turned on me! Help, someone, I need a firewall!”

“I’b jusd gedding starded. Dext I’ll subbod Valkyrie Al…Ala…Ah ATCHOO! Ah-CHOO! Huh-uh-CHOO! Hag od…ah…ah-ah-KERCHOO KERCHOO!!! *Sniff* Altest. Ugh, Sora, would you bide?”

“Sure thing, Annie. Next up, she’ll play the powerful and slightly snot-covered Spell card, Dark Core. By discarding one card from her friend, she can remove one of your monsters from play. And then she can use Altest’s special ability to absorb the attack points of the removed monster and add it to her own! Now the Valkyrie gives your Absorbing Kid a taste of it’s own medicine, and brings it’s own attack up to 2900. Still not enough to beat your Lily, but still nothing to sneeze at. Ooops, sorry Annie.”

“No probleb. I’b dode” Annie replied, sniffling long and hard to combat her running nose. Despite the loss of his monster, Dr. Jherm seemed unperturbed.

“You may have gotten rid of my monster, but I still have more life points than you, and a few tricks up my sleeve to boot. Not to mention that the cold bacteria are obviously running rampant over your immune system. And without even a single tissue, you’re running out of time as it is before you lose what decency you’ve got left. You’d need a miracle to beat me now…”

At this point Zach snapped his fingers.

“I’ve got it! I know his trick! It’s so obvious…”

The teenage boy walked around the arena and located a small locked panel that looked slightly battered. It popped open at his touch, revealing a small computer terminal with an out of place-looking device attached to it.

“S-s-s-stop! Don’t mess with that!

“I thought so. This thing is some kind of mod-chip. It allowed the 'doctor' here to program his own holograms into the arena’s database!”

“How would a doctor know how to do that?” Sora asked, gathering some of the larger rocks and staring intently at Dr. Jherm.

“Elementary. He’s not a doctor.”

“What! How did you know?”

“The way you talked. Just now, you mentioned ‘cold bacteria’. The common cold is a virus, not a bacterium. And when you referred to Annie’s cold earlier, you called it your ‘prognosis’, which means supposed treatment, not supposed disease, which is ‘diagnosis’. Then, you swore by the ‘hippocritic’ oath. It’s pronounced ‘Hippocratic’. Which leads me to your biggest give-away, the fact that your deck revolved around infecting your opponent. Doctors are sworn by the Hippocratic Oath to only treat illnesses, not cause them. Combine that with the fact that when we first arrived here, you referred to yourself as ‘teh haxxorz’ and that you asked for a firewall instead of a vaccine to cure Lily of your virus, and it was obvious that you were just a computer geek. Once I figured that out, it was easy to imagine how you were altering the holograms. And I’ll bet you hid a remote-controlled container of the cold virus under your opponent’s side of the arena to make them sick. All these are serious offenses, doctor. You could get kicked off the island for this, not to mention the physical brutality you could justly be subjected to. Maybe we’d show some restraint if you surrendered to our friend here…”

Jherm nodded and stepped down from the podium. Sora rushed to give her friend all her tissues, which she proceeded to demolish with a single long, snotty blow. Meanwhile, Zach collected all but one of the fake doctor’s star chips.

“You owe us more than that. Let me see your deck. I’m taking a card for each of us. Unless you’d rather answer to Marik?”

Jherm grunted and handed over his deck.

“Alright, we’ll take Ekibyo Drakmond, Germ Infection, and your Fairy Lily cards.”

Jherm began to protest, but then thought better of it.

“Now, get out of here, and don’t let us see you on the island again.”

Jherm slunk off, then sprinted as Sora began pelting him with rocks. After he disappeared from sight, Sora dropped the rest of her projectiles and raised her hand.

“Okay, all those in favor of forbidding Z from picking the duel fields from here on, raise your hand.”

The vote was 2 to 1.

“Fine then. Where to?”

“Somewhere where a trap couldn’t possibly be laid for us. The only neutral arena on the island: the Blank field.”

Will our heroes finally get a duel that agrees with their sinuses? Or will they once again run afoul of sneezy tactics? If you don’t know the answer, you’re a moron. Until next week!

[Blah!?]

"You don’t mean it takes steroids do you?”

“What? No! This is a kid’s show, remember?”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!

That was too good!

I look forward to next week!

[Pseudosneeze]

"You don’t mean it takes steroids do you?”

“What? No! This is a kid’s show, remember?”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!

That was too good!

I look forward to next week!

*imitates Phil Ken Sebben* Ha ha ha! Breaking the 4th wall. Otaku, you rock.

[Frostybite]

Nice, keep up the good work. I had to look up a picture of some of the characters but you chose some good ones.

[Pilgrim]

Man, I think this duel ended up being longer than anything the show came up with. Anyways, I've made a pact with myself: as long as these things remain relatively popular, I'm going to forget tradition and actually finish them by deadline. However, in this particular case, I have a warning: expect a couple days delay on the next one if I don't get some serious demand for it, because I worked waaaaay too hard on this one. I'm tired, and I'm not going to put this much effort into it if there's not major need to. That being siad, I do appreciate the compliments I've gotten so far, as I'm always pleased to see that people are reading my work. "As long as one person..." and so forth. Enjoy!

Oh, and btw, to save you some time: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewI...bayphotohosting

Last time, our heroes had decided to go to a completely neutral field, where they figured they could finally play a duel without falling into a trap. And they were right. Sort of. Well, just read on, will ya?

“Hey, Sora, will you slow dowd? Dod all ub us are id perfed health, you dow. Speakig ub whid, I dode suppose you hab ady bore dissues, do you?”

“Sorry, you used all of mine. But don’t worry, we’re here. It looks like someone’s already there, though. Hey wait, isn’t that…?”

“Hot damn, it is! There’s only one guy in the universe with hair that crazy. It’s the champ, Yugi, and his arm-candy, Tea (Editors note: pronounced Tay-Uh. I can’t figure out how to insert the accent mark) What’s he doing?”

“I think he’s trying to get his infamous Puzzle away from the brown-haired kid and his blonde girlfriend. C’mon, let’s find out what’s going on.”

As they approached the arguing quartet, they were able to hear what Yugi and his opponent were saying.

“I’m telling you, it’s not yours anymore! I won it, fair and square!”

“No, there’s something wrong with it! It’s not supposed to…look, it’s been corrupted somehow. I’m the only person who knows how it works, you’ve got to let me figure out what’s happened!”

“No way! You just want your good luck charm back so you can beat Kaiba in a re-match!”

“Um, hey, I hate to interrupt, but if you’re not using the duel arena…”

Sora interjected, not wanting to upset the Japanese champion.

“We’re kinda busy right now, if you haven’t noticed. Let go already!”

“Will you two cut it out! There’s got to be a more civilized way of solving this…”

Sora watched the two maintain their struggle as their girlfriends tried in vain to separate them for about a minute, then whispered something to Annie. As she nodded in reply, the two approached the champion with shining eyes.

“Oh no, you’re not going to…” Zach began, too late.

“Alright, Yugi, we challenge you and your girlfriend to a tag-team duel!”

At that, the small golden pyramid that the two were fighting over, known as the Millennium Puzzle, glowed intensely.

“No! The Puzzle…”

A giant shroud of blackness enveloped Yugi, Tea, Sora, and Annie, and shoved Zach and the other two back. The shroud then formed into a dome, under which two duel arenas rose from the ground. The Puzzle then floated into the air and hung, as if from an invisible hook, above the four duelists.

Sora stood taken aback. “Okay, now that’s not something you see everyday.”

Yugi sighed. “Now look at what you’ve done! The Puzzle put us in a Shadow Game for ownership of it. Do you realize how much trouble you just got us into?”

Annie sneezed wetly out of shock.

“HUH-CHOO! But…but bagic’s fake…you always beat the guys who were pretending to be magicians.”

“That’s the official story. In reality, they could use magic to bring the cards to life. I could to, that’s how I beat them. But now the Puzzle’s acted on it’s own. I was trying to tell that idiot…”

Tea reached put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

“It’s okay, if we win this duel we can get the puzzle back, right?”

Yugi shook his head. “It’s not that simple. The cards are alive in Shadow Games, we’ll all feel pain from our destroyed monsters…”

“Hey, I’b had edough ub dis nodsedse. Led’s wager doo star chibs ad ged on wid id! I still dink you’re jus drying do drick us.”

Yugi growled. “Fine then, you’ll see the reality of your situation soon enough. Let’s do this, Tea. I’ll go first. I summon the Mystical Elf in face-up defense mode, and end my turn.”

Annie grinned. “Be dext. I’ll subbod Valkyrie Brunhilde id addack bode. Dad’s all fo be.”

Tea glared at her two oppoenents. “I’ll set Magician’s Valkyria in defense mode. Your turn, umm…?”

“Sora. And I’ll start off by activating Rain of Mercy. It’ll give all of us 1000 extra life points.”

The sky opened up and a light rainfall doused the players. As their life points went up, all of them felt a more than a little refreshed. Except for Annie.

“ATCHOO! Ah-CHOO! Huh-uh-CHOO! HATCHOO! CHOO! ATCHOO! What’s…CHOO! Wrog wid you!?! Are you trying to…ah...ahhhh...ker-CHOO! Give be pneumodia?”

Sora blushed. “S-Sorry, Annie, I wasn’t thinking. Don’t worry, I’ll end this quick. I summon Injection Angel: Fairy Lily, and pay 2000 life points to give her her maximum attack power! I…nnggggggh!”

As Sora’s lifepoints dropped, she felt a shooting pain run through her entire body. She fell to her knees, shaking, and barely had the strength to signal for her Lily to attack.

Yugi shook his head. “I tried to tell you. Losing so many life points at once like that…not a good strategy in a shadow game.”

As Lily charged forward to destroy the Elf, Tea’s Valkyria jumped to block the attack.

“Wh-What?”

“Magician’s Valkyria defends all other ally Spellcaster-type monsters, even at the cost of it’s own life. Now, may I assume you’re done?”

“Well, yeah, since I can’t even stand right now…”

“Good. I summon Skilled Dark Magician and activate Soul Taker. It destroys your Lily, but gives you 1000 life points in exchange.”

As Sora’s life points rose, so did her strength, and she slowly made her way back up.

“Um…thanks.” She said bashfully. Yugi waved a dismissive hand.

“I just took out you monster. Nothing to thank me for. Besides, my Skilled Dark Magician gains a spell counter for every spell card that’s activated. Once it has three, I can sacrifice it to Special Summon my more powerful Dark Magician from my deck. In the meantime, I’ll have it attack Brunhilde.”

As the robed sage blasted the Valkyrie with pure dark energy, Annie’s life points fell by a tiny 100 life points. And the Valkyrie remained on the field.

“By reducig by Valkyrie’s Defedse points by 1000, oud ub the 2000 id has, I cad preved id frob being destroyed. And it’s 1800 attadd rading bade your attadd almost useless. By turn?”

Yugi set a card face down and nodded, and Annie began her turn after wiping her nose on the back of her hand.

“I’ll use by Spell card, Rush Recklessly, to idcrease by Valkyrie’s attadd by 700 for dis turn. Dow she’ll destroy your Magiciad.”

Yugi silently activated his Trap card, Magician’s Select, which allowed his Skilled Dark Magician to destroy Annie’s Valkyrie and protect his magician. Annie grinned and set a card face-down.

As Tea began her turn, Yugi shot a look at her that apparently contained a silent order, because she nodded and summoned Gemini Elf in attack mode, then played two Spell cards, Elf’s Light to power her elf up and Pot of Greed to draw two cards and give Yugi’s magician the spell counters it needed. Why can’t we work together like that? Sora wondered, as she started her turn.

“You’re not the only one who can use Equip Spell cards, Tea. I’ll summon Mystical Sand, and equip it with Pixie Dust! This will allow it to attack any opponent directly for this turn!”

Sora’s monster was showered in golden dust, which caused the red-robed witch to sneeze very life-like, putting Annie in a flashback of her previous duel. The witch’s green hair flew into her eyes as she doubled over in loud “EE-CHHHMPPH!”s. Sora was too focused on the game to notice, though.

“Alright, Sandy, go get Yugi!”

The witch rubbed her nose on her sleeve and soared on her broom over Yugi’s monster and delivered a magical attack that brought him down to 900 life points. He handled it much better than Sora had earlier, and merely cringed in pain. He didn’t even fall.

“Now, I’ll set one card face-down and end my turn.

“Alright. Now I’ll sacrifice my Skilled Dark Magician and Special Summon my Dark Magician from my deck!”

“I don’t think so! I activate my Trap, Raigeki Break! By discarding a card from my hand, I can destroy any one card on the field. Guess which one I choose?”

Yugi seemed to cringe in greater pain at the destruction of his Magician than the attack that was made on him earlier. He glared angrily at Sora.

“I summon Breaker the Magic Warrior, and I use his effect to destroy one magic card on the field. Guess which one I choose?”

As the indescribable soldier blasted away the Pixie Dust, a golden remainder flew at Sora and up into her nose. Her build-up lasted the remainder of Yugi’s turn, as he set a Trap card face-down.

“Aaahhh… Aagh… Hhaaa…AHH…HAAA-CHOOO!”

“Bless you.” Yugi said, not catching a quizzical look from Tea.

“Alrighd, tibe to sho you…hag od…HAAT-CHOO! Ugh, I wish Z was here so I would’d hab to darrate for the readers. I subbod Valkyrie Altest, thed use by Swan Princess spell to Special Summon Valkyrie Zweite, removig Breaker frob the gabe and increasig Altes’ts a…ahhhh…AAAHH-CHOO! Attadd by 1600. Dow, wid 3200 attad poids she’s strog eduff to take oud your Gemidi Elf.”

But it was Annie who ended up losing life points.Yugi activated his Trap Card, Magic Cylinder, to reflect the attack back to Annie, saving Tea’s Elf.

“Thank you Yugi!” Tea said in a sing-song voice. Yugi smiled at her, while Annie set a card and sniffled pitifully. She was still wet from the Rain of Mercy spell, and with the added weakness from having low life, she felt like she was getting sicker my the minute. Sora looked on helplessly at her friend. If only there was something I could do… Then something in her hand caught her eye. She smiled devilishly, formulating a plan in her mind. Meanwhile, Tea began her turn.

“I’ll summon Hysteric Fairy in attack mode to start. Then I’ll activate Double Spell. By discarding a Spell card from my hand, I can use your Pixie Dust as if it was mine. I’ll equip it to my Gemini Elf, and then I’ll discard a higher-leveled monster to activate Double Attack, which will let my Elf attack twice. This means it can attack both of you directly, and end this duel!”

After the blonde and red-haired elves were done exchanging “ISHOOS!” and “HUH-CHOOS!” from the dust, they rushed Annie, who responded with a trap card, Soul Shield. By paying half of her life points, she was able to end Tea’s battle phase immediately. Annie then promptly collapsed from exhaustion.

“So, the Shadow Game is taking it’s toll on her. Hmph, It’s amazing she could last this long. Since a monster can only attack directly once with the effect of Pixie Dust, I’ll use Pixie Dust’s second effect and discard a card from my hand to shift it from my Gemini Elf to my Hysteric Fairy. That’s all for me.”

“You know, you talk big for someone who has more life points than they started the duel with. I wouldn’t be too cocky if I were you.” Sora scolded over the Hysteric Angel’s hysteric sneezing fit.

“Hah hah hah-HAAASHOOO!! AAIIISSHOO! IIISHOOO! Heh-hehh...EEHSHOO!” The well-dressed angel sneezed her own red glasses off and sent her blue hair into disarray. She bent down to pick her glasses up, sneezed again, and dropped her books too. As she knelt with a helpless look on her face, Sora thought of how similar she looked to Annie.

“Alright, now I think it’s time we started showing you what real teamwork looks like.

I’ll use the Spell card, Exchange, to take one card from any players’ hand, and allow them to do the same to me. And I choose to swap card with Annie.”

Sora walked over to Annie’s side of the field and the two friends exchanged cards, after Sora whispered something to Annie that seemed to revive her. Sora then walked back to her side of the field, while Yugi and Tea gritted their teeth.

“ Now, for my last act, I’ll set a card face-down and Summon Zombyra the Dark, a villainous caped crusader with 2100 attack points! And his target is Breaker!”

After destroying Yugi’s odd-looking monster, Zombyra’s attack points dropped from 2100 to 1900 due to it’s own effect. As Yugi began his turn, Sora set a card face-down and exchanged smiles with Annie.

“I don’t know what you two are planning, but I can tell you right now it’s not going to work. I’m the Japanese champion for a reason. There’s no way you’re getting my Puzzle, much less beating me at my own game! I activate Card of Sanctity, which allows all players to draw until they have six cards in their hand. Next I’ll summon Magician’s Disciple, a monster that counts as two sacrifices needed for any card effect. I’ll use his ability to activate Magical Dimension, which will now Special Summon my most powerful Spellcaster, the Magician of Black Chaos, to my field for one turn. The Spell card also allows my Magician to attack this turn, even though it was Special Summoned. But since it was Summoned, I’m allowed to take one Spell card from my Graveyard and put it back into my hand. I’ll choose Soul Taker, as I have the Magician take out Mystical Sand and deal 700 points of damage. Finally, I’ll set a card face-down and end my turn.”

“Not so fast! I’ll use my set card, Pigeonholing Book of Spells, to rearrange the top three cards of my partners deck before her turn begins.”

“What’s the point of that?”

“Allow be do show you. I acdivate Reversal Quiz. Id allows be to switch life points with ad opponed if I guess the top card of by deck correctly. I “guess” modster. Ad I target Tea!”

As Annie’s Life points rocketed to 3000, and Tea’s plummeted to 350, Tea became infuriated, and extremely sickly-looking.

“Why you biiii-ICHOO! ICHEW!!! Heh-CHEW-Eh-CHEW-CHEW-EHHH-CHEW! *Sniff* Wha-aaahhh-CHEW! Hiya-ACHOO! ICHEW!”

Tea sank to the ground sneezing with increasing force as Annie smiled smugly.

“What is it they say? ‘The best cure for a cold is to give it someone else’? Looks like exchanging life points means more than just numbers in a Shadow Game, like I think Sora predicted. I don’t know about you, but I feel great! Now, to finish you off. Valkyrie Alest’ll decimate your elf and your life points!”

“I activate Magical hats, which will hide her elf from your attack! Don’t forget, we work well as a team too.”

Four giant top hats appeared out of no-where and shuffled around the Gemini Elf, which caused Zweite’s attack to slice through an empty hat.

“By turn, I’ll bake you pay for dis! Ugggh, I dod’t feel so good…”

Tea stammered weakly, clutching her podium for support.

“First I’ll switdch Hysteric Fairy into defense mode. I activate my Spell card, Illusion of Dark Magic. It re-dabes three modsters id by Graveyard “Darg Magiciad”, which powers-up by modster, the Dark Magiciad Girl! She gaids 300 attack poids for every dead Darg Magiciad, makig her attad equal to Altest.”

After the two feme fatales destroyed each other, Tea revived her prize monster with Monster Reborn Spell card, and ended her turn after blowing her nose forcefully into a lacey white handkerchief. She looked worse than Annie had, her nose wasn’t as red yet but was much runnier, her eyes were watery and blood-shot, and she was shivering with fever.

“I Set Maryokutai in defense mode and set one card. That’s all for me.”

Yugi looked helplessly at his girlfriend, then at his hand with even more frustration.

“I summon Skilled White Magician in Defense mode and end my turn.”

“Well, I guess it’s up to me to put the action back into this duel.” Annie laughed, feeling much more confident now that her life points were the highest on the field, and also because her cold was distressing someone else now.

“I activate the Spell card, Germ Infection! Once equipped to your Magician Girl, it’ll sap 300 attack points every turn. Next up, I’ll Summon Valkyrie Sigrun, and then I’ll equip Zweite with the ridiculously mistranslated Malevolent Nuzzler, so I’ll instead call it my it’s real name, Demon Kiss. It’ll increase her attack by 700. Now that either of my monsters can destroy your elf if they find it, I’ll have them attack the Magical Hats!”

The two monsters charged, and both missed. But even as Yugi was about to make a witty comment, Annie played another card.

“Now I’ll use Mischief of the Time Goddess. It allows me to skip ahead to my next turn and pick up from the phase I left off at. That means All my monsters can attack again. Since there’s only one hat left, I think I’ll go ahead and clear your field, Tea! Oh, and did I forget to mention that since we did technically pass a full turn due to my Spell card, Germ Infection’s effect is activated?”

Even as she said it, the Dark Magician Girl began to shiver and sneeze as if from a mild cold.

“Kuchew! Kuchew! Kss-SHOO!”

“Heh heh, in a few turns she’ll match her owner. Speaking of which, your turn Tea.”

“Eh-Chew, Eh-Chew, ISH-SHEW-SHEW-SHEW HIII-CHEW!”

As the Germ infection progressed, the two girls both began sneezing in unison, which freaked out Yugi and amused Sora.

“Geez, that cold Annie caught is spreading like a wild fire. Better be careful, Yugi, you could be next.”

“I sed a modster ad a card face-dowd ad ed by…ehhhh…EhhhHEHHIII-CHEEW! ICHEW! ISHEW! *Snifff* turn. Eh-Chew!”

“Right, I’m up again I guess. I’ll just set D.D Warrior Lady in defense mode. If you attack her, she’ll remove your monster from the game. So I’d advise getting rid of her by some other method, if you’ve got one.”

“I’ll play Mystical Space Typhoon, which can destroy any Spell or Trap card on the field…”

“I sacrifice Maryokutai to negate the effect of your spell card, as per it’s special ability.”

As the floating skull absorbed the Typhoon and then self-destructed, Yugi swore under his breath.

“Then next I’ll use Soul Taker on D.D Warrior Lady, and then I’ll set Giant Soldier of Stone in defense mode, as well as a face-down card. Now, I’m sure you know that according to Duelist Kingdom rules a monster that abstained from attacking last turn can attack a player directly if he or she has no monsters on the field the following turn, right? That means the Dark Magician Girl gets a free shot on you, Sora.”

Sora exchanged looks with Annie. “Somehow, I’m not worried.”

“My turn. I’ll attack your soldier with Valkyrie Sigrun!”

“I activate my Trap, Dark Renewal! By using you monster and my monster as sacrifices, I can revive My Dark Magician!”

As the monster returned from the Graveyard, Tea’s Dark Magician Girl lost another 300 attack points, which allowed the Germ Infection to affect her further.

“KU-CHEW! Ksshew, Ksshew, Ksshew, KERCHOO! *Sniff* *Sniff* KU-SHOO!”

This earned Yugi an evil eye from Tea, and the Dark Magician an evil eye from his female counterpart.

“That’s not a very nice thing to do to your girlfriend’s monster, now is it Yugi? Not that it matters. I activate Ring of Destruction. It’ll destroy the Dark Magician, and deal damage to both you and me equal to that monster’s attack rating. That takes you out of the game, doesn’t it?”

“Same to you.” Yugi nodded, as his Magician was detonated by the ring of grenades. The shockwave knocked the two of them to the ground, hard. Yugi was the first one up.

“Alright Tea, you can do this! I know it!”

Tea nodded, and with fire in her eyes began her turn. She blew here nose twice into her handkerchief so she could talk clearly for what she believed was her final turn.

“First I’ll flip my monster face-up to retrieve my Spell card that I discarded earlier, One Last Chance! Then I’ll activate it to increase the attack strength of my Magician by 2000 for this turn only. Additionally, if I don’t win by the end of this turn, I lose the duel. Or I would, if it weren’t for my Trap card, Blind Hope. It changes the effect of One Last Chance to read that if I don’t win now, this game ends in a draw.”

Yugi’s eyes widened. “No! Wait! If you do that…”

“Sorry Yugi, but there’s no way I can win this duel with only 350 life points. A tie is the best I can do. Now, Dark Magician Girl, attack Valkyrie Sigrun!”

The attack only did 2200 points of damage in the end, leaving Annie with 800 to spare. As Tea’s cards took effect, the Millennium Puzzle fell from it’s place in the sky and landed on the ground, breaking into countless pieces and scattering the shadows that had surrounded our players, returning them to the island known as Duelist Kingdom, and a greater peril that waited somewhere beneath their feet…

[Blah!?]

Veeery nice! It would have been hysterical if you made another wisecrack about it being a kids show when Yugi swore.

I look forward to part cuatro!

[Pseudosneeze]

*bowing my head continuously* I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

In other words, brilliant! Keep up the great work and keep the sneezes coming!

[Frostybite]

Nice work. Thanks for the picture link as well. Helps with the visual.

[March Hare]

Completely hilarious. Teh 1337 haxxorz? Hypocritic oath? I'm cracking up.

[Pilgrim]

*bowing my head continuously* I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

In other words, brilliant! Keep up the great work and keep the sneezes coming!

Yeah, you didn't need to edit that post, Pseudo, I knew what you meant. "Bowing Down" means the same thing in every culture, as far as I know

Oh, and thanks you three for consistently posting in every installment. I really appreciate it

[sneezinglover]

Wow, thats good stuff!!!!!!! Can't wait to see Alexis sneeze!!!!!!!

[Pseudosneeze]

These stories would look great in the anime.

[Pilgrim]

You know, I had intended to make a comment about how I can count the number of appreciative readers on one hand in my introduction, but after looking at the m and m/m wasteland (just my perspective, nothing personal) that is the current Stories board, I realized now is not the time to be picky. We've got ourselves a crisis on our hands, and I'm sure as hell not going to abandon what few loyal fans I have. Expect this series to continue for some time, and on time, from here on! Oh, and tomorrow I'll post an explaination for a couple of oddities in this chapter.

So, when Yugi, Tea, Sora, and Annie emerged from their shadow game, they were met with the sight of a tied and gagged girl who Yugi identified as Alexis. After freeing him, he handed them a note written by someone who had struck him from behind and had apparently kidnapped the others while he was unconscious. It said that the teen boy, who Yugi said was named Jaden , and Zach, were being held hostage in the underground Cemetery field, and that they would only be released if their captor could be beaten in a duel for the Millennium Puzzle. After brushing off Sora and Annie’s shocked reactions with an “Oh, not this again” air, Yugi lead the group to the underground cave, which is where we will now actually start the story.

“Hey, look, there’s Zach and Jaden! They’re chained to the wall!” Sora pointed.

“And they’re going to stay that way!”

The cave suddenly lit up and revealed a duel arena, behind which a blonde, busty woman was standing.

“Whoa, those breasts can talk!” Jaden exclaimed

“You know, it’s funny, that’s exactly what I thought when I first met her.” Yugi chuckled, “Hello, Mai Valentine.”

At this point Sora and Annie burst out laughing.

“Mai Valentine?” Sora asked, “What kind of a name is that? Don’t tell me, you used to work for Carmen Sandiego when you were younger, didn’t you?”

“I wouldn’t call it work so much as…Hey! What me and Carmen did in college has nothing to do with this. I’ve kidnapped your friends and I’m not letting them go without a duel for the Millennium Puzzle!”

Yugi sighed. “Ah, that brings back memories. Well, I guess I’ll duel you if you absolutely insist…”

“Hang on just a second…” Alexis interjected. “If you duel her, it’ll probably start out with you in the lead slightly, then she’ll gain the upper hand until you pull out a come-from-behind victory at the last minute, right?”

“Probably, that’s how it usually goes.”

“Well, why don’t you let me duel her instead? Since I’m a secondary character, I won’t take as long to beat her as you will. Then we can get back to the main plot quicker, and our writer won’t have to work as much.”

“Hmmm, so you’re suggesting we regard her as a minor villain instead of an actual threat? Brilliant! Go right ahead. I really should be looking after Tea anyways.”

Tea sneezed in agreement and rubbed at her reddening nose.

“Hey, wait, you can’t do that! I’m a serious villain now! Really! I’ve already got another one of the Millennium Items, the Millennium Scales! See?”

She held up the golden scales, but they suddenly tilted and sent Mai off balance.

“Waaaagggh!”

“Hey, how exactly did this bimbo capture you guys in the first place?” Annie asked the chained boys.

“She told me there was candy behind this tree, but there wasn’t any. There was just a big net.” Jaden replied sheepishly.

“I was actually trying to lead her to a pitfall I knew just a little ways beyond that tree so that I could…you know what? Let’s go with the candy thing for me too.”

As Sora and Annie glared at Zach, Alexis stepped up to the duel arena to face Mai. It had been some time since Alexis had graduated from the Duel academy, and she had exchanged her Obelisk white sleeveless uniform for a purple jeans jacket not unlike Mai’s, a light blue tank top and a matching miniskirt. She’d also now taken to wearing her long blonde hair in a ponytail, but she still wore her old fingerless gloves when she was dueling. Mai’s attire hadn’t changed much. While she had switched her white top with a black one, and now wore a black jean skirt, her long black gloves, purple jacket and knee-high socks remained the same as the old days. She placed the Millennium Scales on the table and laughed evilly.

“The magic of this item will turn our duel into a Shadow Game, which will make the pain real. I understand if you want to back out now.”

Alexis simply shook her head, and switched several of the cards in her deck with others from a separate pile from one of her pockets. This made Jaden uneasy.

“Ohhhhh, man, this isn’t gonna be pretty. Yugi, you might wanna get your GF outta here before the duel starts, cuz…”

Before he could finish his sentence, the Scales enshrouded all of them in darkness, and the game began.

“Too late. Well, I hope everyone brought a spare sweater.”

At this point Zach caught on to what Jaden was referring too.

“You mean she’s…”

“Yep. She’s going Ice Queen on this beeyatch.”

“Tone down the language, you! There could be small children in the audience!” Sora shouted. Meanwhile, Annie thought it would be more productive to shout encouragement to Alexis.

“You can do it, girl! Save our friends from those talking breasts!”

“Damn it, stop saying that! I play Harpie’s Brother in Attack mode and end my turn.” Mai said angrily.

“I summon Cyber Tutu. It has the ability to attack your life points directly when your monsters have higher attack than it. Say good-bye to 1000 of your life points.”

The pink-haired ice skater leapt over Mai’s monster and spin-kicked her in the face, knocking her to the ground.

“Next I’ll set one card face-down and end my turn.”

Mai climbed back to her feet and laughed.

“Heh, I didn’t think you’d be able to get past my monster. Now you’ll regret it. I’ll summon Harpie Lady 1 to the field! She increases the attack of all Wind monsters by 300. Now her and her brother will rush your pathetic monster and…”

“I activate Hallowed Life Barrier and discard a card from my hand to protect my life points from damage this turn.”

Mai growled and set a card to end her turn after her monsters were done with the figure skater.

“I activate the Spell card, Cold Wave. It’ll protect all Spell and Trap cards on the field from being destroyed for one turn.”

As a wave of icy air passed over the field, everyone in the cave shivered except for Alexis and Mai, oddly enough.

“Ish-shew! Shew Shew! Hiii-ITCHEW!”

Yugi wrapped an arm around Tea while she blew her nose, shaking with cold. As he tried to comfort her, he glared at Alexis, who didn’t changer her blank expression.

“Sorry, Yugi, but it’s going to be very cold in here for some time. I now play White Night’s Fort, a card that’ll freeze the field and prevent either player from activating Trap cards during the other’s turn. Next up…”she continued as the arena froze over, filling the cave with icy mist and sending Tea into another sneezing fit.

“Ha-Shew! Ah-ha-Shew! Eshew-shew Eshew! Hii-Tchew!”

“…I’ll summon Defender Iceberg in defense mode and set a card face-down. My monster’s 2450 defense points will protect me from your monsters, so I guess you’re turn is going to be wasted.”

Mai looked helplessly at her hand. “I’ll summon Birdface in attack mode and end my turn.”

“Hey, Alexis? I don’t mean to be impolite, but could you hurry up? I’m starting to freeze important parts of my anatomy off over here.” Alexis pretended she didn’t hear Jaden’s request.

“I’ll use my Trap card, A Rival Appears! It’ll allow me to Special Summon a monster from my hand with the same level as one of your monsters. I choose Etoile Cyber, and then I’ll summon Blade Skater, two of my best ice-skater monsters. Not because of their abilities, but because what I can summon when I fuse them. I activate Polymerization to fuse my monsters, creating Cyber Blader! She gains a different effect depending on how many monsters you have on the field. Right now, I’d like her second effect, so I’ll need to get rid of one of your monsters. My Spell card, Hammer Shot, should do the trick. It’ll destroy your strongest monster. Say goodbye to your Harpie’s Brother, and be glad my monster can’t attack, or you’d lose more than just him.”

“Haha, that’s the way to do it, Alexis! Prove that you’re the breast duelist here!” Jaden cheered.

“Yeah, show that boob who’s boss!” Zach chimed in.

“Will y-y-you two SHUT UP!”

Mai yelled, shivering, but not nearly as badly as Tea. Annie’s cold was already a doozy when she passed it off, and the temperature drop was bringing it to a record-breaking extreme. Yugi was doing his best to comfort her.

“Here, Tea, sit closer to me. If I had a jacket I’d give it to you, but the only ones wearing an extra layer in here are either dueling or are chained to the wall.”

As Yugi embraced Tea to help keep her warm (riiiiiiight…that’s why) she coughed and smiled weakly. “Remeber, I told you dot to brig id because you looked stubid wearig id like a cape.”

Alexis looked on at the couple, an without talking took off her own coat and tossed it to Tea, who was in fact only wearing a pink blouse with a light blue skirt (Note: Not her school uniform, just the same color coordination) For some strange reason, this seemed to tick Jaden off. But before he could say anything, Mai was making her own comments.

“Aw, how precious. But it’s only right, you’re the one who froze the field in the first place. Since all your monsters are now stronger than mine, I guess I have no choice but to switch my monsters into defense mode and end my turn.”

As Yugi helped a grateful Tea into Alexis’ jacket, he smiled at Alexis and bowed in thanks, making her blush just slightly. Meanwhile, Annie moved farther and farther away from them until she was on the other side of the field. Sora ran over to her when she noticed and whispered. “Hey, what’re you doing?”

“You see that cold Tea has? I just ditched it like ten minutes ago. There’s no way I’m giving her the opportunity to pass it back. I’m staying as far away from her as possible.”

“That’s not very…actually, you’re right. I’m staying here too. Brrrrr, is it just me, or is it getting chillier in here by the minute?”

Bact at the arena, Alexis had apparently drawn a card that she liked. “I activate Mystical Space Typhoon! It’s magic wind will blow away your face-down card!”

As the card took effect, Sora shouted to Annie over the freezing wind, “Ok-k-k-k-kay, now it’s d-d-d-d-definitely c-c-colder in h-h-h-here.”

Tea huddled closer to Yugi, inadvertently sneezing into his chest.

“HII-SHEW! ESHEW! EH-EHSHEW! Oh, I’b sorry Yugi…” She sniffled, but Yugi just smiled at her and offered her a handkerchief, which she sneezed into forcefully.

“Fool! You’ve fallen right into my trap! You just destroyed Dark Coffin, a Trap Card that only takes effect once it’s been destroyed. Since it’s effect takes place from the Graveyard, it doesn’t count as being activated during your turn. And now, I’ll use its effect to bury your Fusion monster!”

As Alexis watched in shock as her prize monster was destroyed because of her mistake, Jaden began scolding her.

“What’s wrong with you? Showing expression at the death of one of your monsters? You’re the Ice Queen, not Alexis, when you use this deck, remember? Now act like it! No more empathy for anyone but yourself!” He glanced at Tea as he said this. “If you want to win, you have to be colder even than the cards your using. Otherwise, you might as well surrender now.”

At first, Alexis looked like she might either burst into tears or fly into a rage, but then she lifted her head up and laughed.

“Thanks Jaden, I’d forgotten that. Now, where was I? Ah, yes, here we go. I activate the Spell card, Subzero! Its effect will force each of us to discard one card per turn, until one of us runs out of a hand! And now, to make sure you don’t get rid of it any time soon, I’ll summon my Snow Sprite monster! Its special ability will freeze all Spell cards in your hand, so they have to be Set like Trap cards in order to be used!”

As the caped white monster delivered it’s freezing attack, Mai dropped the cards in her hand and rubbed her arms in a vain attempt to warm herself. After Alexis ended her turn, Mai picked up her cards gingerly, as some of them had become as cold as ice. She then dropped another, as the Subzero card froze it over, forcing it to the Graveyard. The temperature of the entire arena dropped with the card, and everyone began shaking fiercely except for Alexis, who seemed just as comfortable as though she’d been outside in the sun. Mai paused and stared into her opponent’s icy eyes, trying to see some hint of suffering from the cold, but there simply wasn’t any. She can’t be human… Mai thought, but then she noticed a slight glimmer just under Alexis’ nose before she rubbed it with her hand. Mai smiled and continued her turn.

“I’ll set one card face down and end my turn, since I know that your Defender Iceberg has the ability to redirect attacks on your other monsters to itself.”

“Lovely.” Alexis drew and discarded a card as Subzero took effect. This umpteenth temperature drop was too much for Tea, who collapsed sneezing in Yugi’s arms, her legs too cold to support her. Sora and Annie rushed over to help him lift her back up.

“Dammnit, Alexis, finish this up already! I don’t know how much more she can take…”

He held Tea tighter. She looked up at him with feverish eyes. “S-s-s-sorry t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-be a burded. I g-g-g-guess I’m n-not any h-h-h-help on this tip a-a-a-a-after all. HISHEW! Heh-Eshew Eshew Eshew! Iiiii-ISHEW! *sniff* *sniff* HEH-CHEEW!”

Sora wrapped her jacket around Tea and stepped back while Yugi tried to comfort her.

“Don’t be silly. You’re the best cheerleader a guy could ask for. Without you backing me up, there’s no way I would’ve made it as far as I did in this tournament. Now don’t worry, this nonsense will be all over soon. Here…” He wiped Teas nose with her handkerchief and shot a threatening look at Alexis, who didn’t even pause.

“I summon White Night’s Queen, the coldest monster in the game. Slight resemblance, isn’t there? In any event, it has the power to destroy one face-down card per turn, so say good-bye to that spell you were planning on using. Now, I think I’ll have it destroy your Birdface monster. You’ll only take 300 points of damage, but considering your low life points, I guess that’s actually a big deal for you, huh?”

As the snow-white witch wiped out the winged beast, Mai’s immune system finally wiped out from the cold.

“Hah…Haaaahhh…Hack-SSHHT! Huck-SHHT! HEEERRRSHOO! Hah…aahhh…Ack-Shumpt! Ah-SHOO! Oh gread, dow I’b sick do *sniiiifff*”

“Hehehe, that’s what you get for messing with my Queen! You go, girl!” Jaden exclaimed happily, despite the fact that he was becoming paler by the minute.

“Dude, there’s s-s-s-s-something wrong w-w-w-with you.” Zach shivered. “Though I h-h-h-have to admit, seeing a female duelist w-w-willing to g-go to such hard-core extremes is a breast of fresh air in this male-dominated game.”

“What’d you say?” Jaden whipped around.

“I said it’s a breath of fresh ass.”

“Hey, that’s my girl you’re talking about!”

“Oh, shut your ass.”

Sora banged her head against the iced-over rock wall.

“Do they have no shame?”

“Ahhhh…AH-CHOO! Alrighd, id’s tibe for be to durn dis duel aroud *sniff* I subbod Haprie’s Ped Dragod…Dra…RAAH-SHUH! Haaah-SHUH! SHUH! Ugh, will subod else please narrade?”

“N-n-no way!” Sora exclaimed. “Stuffy nose is even w-w-w-with chattering t-t-t-teeth! Besides, if “Ice Queen” d-d-d-doesn’t end this s-s-s-soon, we’re all g-g-g-g-gonna be s-s-sick.”

“Fide. Adyway, dext I’ll use Elegandt Egotist to tradsforb by ode Harpie ido tree, da Harpie Lady Sisders! HUSHHO! *sniff* *sniff* Dow, back do by Dragod. Id’s power boost puds id ad 2900 attad, so I’ll go ahead ad destroy your Defeder Iceburg! Thed I’ll hab by Hapies cobide do destroy your Spride! I ed by durn.”

“There, see, that wasn’t so bad now was it?” Alexis jeered, despite her own nose was beginning to run rampantly down her face. This didn’t appear to bother her at all, though. “I think it is indeed high time this duel ended. I play Demon Kiss on my Queen to power it up to 2800 attack points, more than enough to decimate your Sisters and your life points. Too easy, but I guess that’s what happens when all your best cards get frozen before they leave your hand, eh?”

As Mai slumped to the floor in defeat, the ice disappeared into the shadows as they faded back into the Scales. Jaden and Zach’s chains broke magically, and the two boys went to check on their female friends and offer them warmth.

“Great job Alexis! You sure showed her who’s boss! I…hey, you okay?”

Jaden got a better look at Alexis and realized that her nose was red and runny, her eyes were fluttering, and she was taking in deep breaths through her mouth.

“Ahhhhh…Ahhhh…Ahh Ah AH-“

Tune in next time to see what happens to our renegade group of heroes! (So sorry guys, couldn’t resist Don’t worry, I’ll deliver the goods in full force next time. Expect it some time this Saturday. Until then!)