Jump to content

Bespelled by Wrongness: Remus and Tonks, a Harry Potter fic. - (5 Parts)


chui

Recommended Posts

ok..so somewhere i vaguely recall someone asking for a Tonks and Remus story, so i just thought I'd give it a try. hope you enjoy.

*disclaimer* there is a possible Half-Blood Prince spoiler lurking ahead *disclaimer* edited to say: I don't own these two... they are the sole property of J.K. Rowling.

"eh'ktschu.....eh...hrngh....." a series of soft moans and sniffles escaped Tonks. She dabbed a brightly colored handerkerchief to her even brighter pink nose. She felt miserable, and was even more upset at the thought of missing her dinner with Remus. It had taken months of pleading and a few well placed hints from Molly and Arthur before Remus finally stopped objecting to thier age difference and agreed to explore their relationship. And now this! They finally had an intimate dinner planned, she was supposed to be making his favorite: steak, rare...boiled potatoes...vegetables and treacle tart for desert. She pursed her lips and crossed her arms with a very wry expression. It just wasn't fair.

Tonks rolled over in her bed, her gaze resting on a bedside picture. Her and her mother, years ago when she was just a child. Her mother could have fixed this. She had been an amazingly talented witch. A wave of the wand, a few simple words and off to a wonderfully romantic dinner for two. An idea began to creep into her mind. She wasn't nearly the witch her mother was, but surely she could pull off this one spell. Tonks threw off the covers and jumped out of bed. her feet slapped against the cold floor boards, echoed by a sharp..."hkn'xsht...k'ghch," both deftly stifled. Shuddering a bit in the aftermath, she wiped her nose once more with the handkerchief and padded down the hall towards the cubbard of spell books.

Pulling out one of the dusty times of household spell rememdies, she quickly blew across the surface. As the dust swirled around her, she made a disgusted face and tried to pry the cover open. As she did, a tiny little spider skittered across the edge causing her to jump back and squeal in alarm. As she inhaled, motes of dust wormed their way into her sinuses, wreaking havoc on them in their sensitive state.

"e'ktch...eg'ktch....hu'ngtsh.... mmmmm .....ek'shu....n'ktch....." and just as she thought it could get no worse....

"Ah'tschu------"

This last sneeze was so powerful it knocked her forward and she dropped the spell book. With a creak that sounded suspiciously like a giggle the book flopped open to a section of spells and recipes to cure the common cold. She began to read through them....

Ye Olde Colde Remedie

take one half root asphodel, grind with ears of three mice.... ick! there has to be a better one than that.....

For Releafe of Floo

mix one pinch floo powder with one pint acromatula venom, freshly milked.... uh! next!!!!

Fore a Fever

stand naked in a vat of fire toad spawn, by the light of the full moon...that wasn't going to work...the full moon was 3 weeks away...

Disheartened, Tonks flipped the page where she saw one last entry....

To Cure a Colde

"works immediately to cure colds, fevers, coughs, sniffles, chills and sore throats...." Perfect! Tonks set out to learn the incantation and was relieved to see there was no complex potion or and movements. she was so excited at the thought of getting better for her night with Remus that she didn't even see the tiny printed warning under the spell....

"do not cast on self when ill"

to be continued....

Link to comment
Ye Olde Colde Remedie

take one half root asphodel, grind with ears of three mice.... ick! there has to be a better one than that.....

For Releafe of Floo

mix one pinch floo powder with one pint acromatula venom, freshly milked.... uh! next!!!!

Fore a Fever

stand naked in a vat of fire toad spawn, by the light of the full moon...that wasn't going to work...the full moon was 3 weeks away...

Disheartened, Tonks flipped the page where she saw one last entry....

To Cure a Colde

"works immediately to cure colds, fevers, coughs, sniffles, chills and sore throats...." Perfect! Tonks set out to learn the incantation and was relieved to see there was no complex potion or and movements. she was so excited at the thought of getting better for her night with Remus that she didn't even see the tiny printed warning under the spell....

"do not cast on self when ill"

to be continued....

I love the spells and potions...they just sound soooo yummy :rolleyes:

I love the intro and canNOT wait to see what happens next.

I love how descriptive you are (okay...i'm jealous, but still loving it)

Link to comment

Yay! It's so nice to see a fic with Tonks sneezing! Hope her cold gets even worse now....

silentdreamer789

Link to comment

hehehe... a fandom that I know *grins* I'm Loving your other fic- but this one am more familar with the fandom. The spells.... that is Priceless!! And I LOVE the setup.

And Tonks/Remus- that will be very cute. :rolleyes:

Link to comment

OMG, thank you sooooooo much!!!! It's wonderful to finally see a Remus/Tonks fic. Yessss!!!!!!! :lol::hug: It's almost perfect; I just have a tiny little request. Can you put exclamation points after the sneezes? Sounds inconsequential, but I'm picky with that. :rolleyes:

Link to comment

Classic, classic stuff! Not just Tonks sneezing, but the hilarious spells too...I can't imagine where this is going! More magic, please.

Hmmm, asphodel; I must steal that.

Link to comment

ok..well, here is a bit more of what my twisted mind does when im left alone with a pencil...hope you enjoy...

Hmmm....This doesn't look too hard....Reading the words, Tonks was sure she had the spell correct. She ran to the nearest mirror, cleared her throat...no easy task in her current state...and aimed her wand at herself. Ok......cold and fever, sneezes leave her.....cold and fever, sneezes leave her.....I can do this....with a deep breath and a barely suppressed giggle, Tonks said the words.... "Cold and Fever....dneezes leave her" Tonks never even noticed how she said the words in her congested state. She was only aware of the strange sense of warmth that ran from the top of her head to the tips of her toes, and being covered in a bluish light. She could feel the cold easing from her body, feel the achy sickness flowing away. She felt as if she were going to float, so light and happy, until....."n'ktch".... A sudden grounding if there ever was one. The healing light vanished, leaving her feeling so much better, except for..."eh'chu"...Her sneezes, which seemed to pop up every minute or so. Surely this is just a lingering after effect....they're bound to go away... Curious though, every sneeze was coupled with a tingling....Just like when she morphed...oh no! She looked up into the mirror to see her usually spiky pink locks replaced by a cascade of blonde curls...what's going on?....

"hep'shu"...A tingle again and now her eyebrows resembled one of those spiky black caterpillars meandering across her forehead.

"g'xtch"...She tried to stifle, to no avail, the built up pressure seemed to shoot long gray hairs out of her ears.

"h'ktshu" Her front teeth began to grow as if in a race to get away from her nose and each other....At this rate she'd be able to put her fist in that gap withint the hour.

just when she thought it couldn't get any worse.....

"ah'tchu" Her nose doubled in size and grew a bump as if it had been broken repeatedly by a hockey stick....

As she looked in the mirror her eyes welled with tears. There was no way she could meet Remus looking like this. She sat dawn on the floor, and cradled the spell book in her lap, giant tears rolling down her cheeks and onto the cover.

"Would you mind leaking somewhere else" a haughty voice said. Startled, Tonks looked around for the source of the voice.

"Excuse me!" it began imperiously, "Your driveling will cause me to mold, now if you dont mind, PUT ME DOWN!" A bewildered Tonks put the book down and looked all around the room, seeing no one.

"Thank you" said the voice with a derisive sniff. Thoroughly perplexed, Tonks didnt even notice she had stopped crying....and sneezing for the moment...."Its about time you finished wallowing in dispair." So distracted from her sneezing morphs, Tonks began to get irritated at the rudeness of her unseen companion.

"Well pardon me for being a tad bit upset. its not everyday I have a date and a cold that turns me into a circus freak!"

"That never would have happened had you heeded my warning." the nerve of this...whatever this was...

"Your warning? Just who are you?" she retorted...

" Down here.....Yes...the dignified tome from whence you chose, and proceeded to botch, the glorious curative incantation" the book replied...

"You're....a book" Tonks responded flatly.

"Not just any book. I am Marinus, the foremost collection of household remedies for the modern witch or wizard, published 1754!" it proclaimed.

"So you're a....talking book?"

With a sound somewhere between the flapping of pages and a shriek of indignation, Marinus, the talking book, snapped its cover, turning away from Tonks. She eyed the book suspiciously before recalling something it had said.

"What do you mean heeded your warning?"

A derisive snort, and a short pause, during which the book seemed to contemplate its indignation versus its desire to pontificate, and Marinus responded. "Had you read the warning below the spell, you wouldn't be in your.....amusing...predicament."

Link to comment

OMG, Chui! :lmfao::lol::lmfao:

I totally outright GUFFAWED when I read this! It's rare that I find fiction that will make me laugh outloud like a freakin' jackass, but congratulations! :lol: I'm sure even my neighbors heard me. *SNORT*

That's so awesome and so creative, I just ADORE IT!!!

It's almost perfect; I just have a tiny little request. Can you put exclamation points after the sneezes? Sounds inconsequential, but I'm picky with that.

Eh...<_<

Hey, I'm not trying to sound rude, but perhaps you didn't realize how your comment may sound, even if it isn't meant that way. No offense is meant to you, it's merely something to think about.

As a writer, I can say that we all have our preferences when writing fics. This is hers. If it bothers you, there is a very simple remedy. Put the story into a Word document and add them. ;):wheels: No sense in asking a writer to change her style. Honestly, it's a little inconsiderate, especially when said-writer did this as a favor. ;)

Link to comment
Guest iffthelurker

Okay, so you know I was wary about reading this in the first place because I still haven't gotten around to finishing HBP thanks to a nasty bit of spoiling that came at a very bad time. I'm so VERY glad that I did give in to the urge.

I adore your Tonks! I really do. Your spells made me giggle, your incantation was wonderful, your spellings are perfect...and I agree with the comment from your Cloud and Aerith story about how awesome it is that you're using font sizes in addition to italics and bolding to indicate strength and volume.

The transformations when she sneezes about killed me. As did the book when it finally began to talk.

I can't wait to see where this goes!

:wheels:

Link to comment

:wheels:

You've got me hooked- and honestly I usually am not big on "humour" sf- but HOLY CRAP!! This is Brilliant. It is done with just the right touch (to my way of thinking), light and fun and Sooooo great to read. Thanks so much I absolutely have to see what happens next- and if she gets out of it or what Remus says or... just need to know...

Link to comment

Yippeee! More magic sneezes! Keep it up... The transformations are excelllent, and I can see lots more magic fun to come, especially with the book.

Link to comment

*blushing* oh my....im glad you like it so far. i truly am enjoying torturing Tonks! i hope the next section lives up to your expectations.

Link to comment

Would you believe I have never read/seen ANY Harry Potter in my life? I may be the only person ever...but it's not stopping me from thinking this fic is great. I especially liked the spells described in the first chapter, very creative! :unsure:

Link to comment

ok...so i loved writing the bit between Tonks and Marinus, so i thought i would extend it just a bit...hope you like.

******************************************************

"I clearly state just below the spell.... 'do not cast on self when ill'. I do not put in warnings for my own amusement, or for the sheer joy of reading my own wasted ink." Marinus inhaled...as much as a book can....preparing to launch into a diatribe on Webster's knows what, when Tonk's grabbed him off the floor. She rifled roughly through the pages as he sputtered and stammered...."p-put me d-down this....hey! that tickles....I demand you-OUCH!!!" Tonks slammed the open book flat on the ground, once again sending up swirls of dust, and jabbed a pointed finger into teh warning she just then noticed.

"oh....noooooo....ex'gh'tsh"

"I beg your pardon! Do not presume to slobber yourself on my sacred pages," Marinus began, but quickly dissolved into snorts of laughter. "What a lovely moustache...." His pages fluttered as his cover shook with devious glee.

"It's not funny! I can't he-hep'shu.... help it." Her eyes crossed and screwed up into an horrific squint at this point to which Marinus replied, "I'm sure you can't....see....the humor in the situation," before once again shuddering in glee. "I'd be suprised if you saw anything at all with those eyes."

"Hey!" her angry expression cut chort with an explosive "eh'tsh'' " This might have been a good thing as it effectively exterminated the insect crawling across her brow, but it replaced the larva with two golden arches that sooner belonged on a restaurant sign than on her face. She tried to scowl at the laughing literature, but was essentially unable to draw those brows down from her hairline...apparently they too were afraid of her eyes.

"ng'tsch" her flowing blonde curls darkened and grew matted as they ran down past her waist. This was accentuated by a thick covering on her arms and legs. Tonks screamed aloud in frustration as Marinus was reduced to shivers of silent laughter. "Such a hairy situation you've landed in....hair-raising by the look on your face...im sure you'll be able to brush off any questions people ask though..." Marinus laughed so hard at the mess Tonks had morphed into, he actually leaked tears of ink from his binding.

"Enough already!" Tonks whipped out her wand and advanced on the book....and angry gleam in her squinty eyes, giving them an interstingly porcine look. "I've had ah-ah-tchu-all im g-oink to take from you" She finished as dignified as she could, with the pig snout now gracing her face. She glared at marinus, daring him to laugh, intimidating him with her appearance somewhere between a beaver and a wild boar.

"Tell me how to fix this" she waved her wand menacingly, sending sparks flying.

"No need to get fussy," Marinus replied haughtily, trying vainly to maintain his demeanor while flapping his pages to put out where sparks had landed and caught the edges of his pages in flaming embers. "The solution is very simple." and snapping his cover to move out of the range of her sparks...."I'll tell you if you try not to be quite so....pigheaded....about following my instructions"

to be continued....

Link to comment

This was great. Poor Tonks, being laughed at by a book. (looks around suspiciously at the books in my room hoping they don't laugh at me....okay good, Hector the microwave is the only one who does *relieved*

I Do love Marinus though.

Please continue

Link to comment

*GASPS for breath*

BWHAHAHAHA! :twisted: OMG, the PUNNY situations!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!

*DIES LAUGHING and pounds fists on desk!!!*

OOOOOoooooomg!!!!! I can't even give you a proper compliment because I can't fucking TYPE because I'm LAUGHING SO FREAKIN' HARD!!!!

HOLY CRAP, that RULED! *CACKLES!!!*

~Aku :)

Link to comment
Guest iffthelurker
:twisted: Oh my GHOD! Oh, the puns, the PUNS!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Poor *snicker* poor Tonks! *cackle* Oh GHOD that was AWESOME!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Link to comment

:blushing: awww.....im so glad you guys enjoyed my punny wrongness...

*i am diligently working on the next part..hope to have it soon*

Link to comment

It just gets better and better. Tonks is a sadly neglected character, which is odd as she's about the only attractive young adult female in the whole thing. I've always imagined a Tonks/Harry pairing...heresy?

I hope for more....magic and humour and sneezing.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

without further ado, part four.....

***********************************************************************

"You better tell me now...or I'll use your ashes as fertilizer!" Tonks threatened....before snorting like the feral pig she resembled. "This isn't funny anymore, Remus will be here any minute and I can't meet him looking like this. Tell me wha-wha-wha'Chu ...I should do." To add one last bit of insult to the injury, her long bucked teeth turned up and curved into a lovely set of tusks, well suited for her boarish snarling at Marinus. If she got any angrier she would probably froth at the mouth a bit too.

"HMPH! All you have to do is...." Her piggy little eyes widened in shock and mortified horror as the doorbell rang. "He's here....what do I do?.....I can't let him see me like this!" Her anger dissolved into tears as she looked around helplessly. the doorbell rang again, followed by a hesitant knock.

"Nymphadora? Are you there?" a soft, yet masculine voice, with just a hint of scratch, drifted through the aged wood.

"Just a minute...." She managed to utter between sobs. Dropping to her knees before Marinus, she pleaded, "What do I do?" Apparently somewhere between his spine and the appendix, Marinus had a heart as well....yes it was there, in the table of contents, just between Gangrene and Hemorrhoids, page 294....

"Quick" he whispered, "Aim your wand at your nose and say 'Finite Incantatum'."

"Will that make this go away?"

"It will end your hapless attempt at a cure, and should stop all of these horrific, yet humerous, changes. But, for Gryffindor's sake...SAY THE WORDS CORRECTLY this time!"

With not ime to waste, Tonks pointed her wand and said the words. Instantly her hair and tusks receeded, returning her to normal. Oddly enough, her nose was once again as pink as her hair..."But I'm still sick! Shouldn't this have cured that?"

A slightly more insistent knock interrupted her, "Nymphadora? Is everything ok?"

"You just ended that pathetic excuse for a cure, thus restoring you to your earlier condition. Maybe you could get your....ahem.....friend...to help you. Marinus began to chuckle, but was quickly muffled as Tonks shoved him between two of Guilderoy Lockharts tomes of travel in the bookcase. Turning away, she could hear a high pitched squeal, followed by "oh what a world, what a world......I'm melting.....melting!!!" being uttered by Marinus, as if she has just tortured him most foully, her only response being a slight twist of the lips in bitter amusement. Running her fingers through her hair, she glanced in the mirror to survey the damage...oversized tshirt and sweats, a runny red nose, flushed cheeks and swollen watery eyes...she could almost hear a dirge playing for her hopes of a romantic evening as she padded to the door. Taking one last deep breath, she opened it......

To Be Continued....

Link to comment

:winkkiss::unsure::blushing::) :) :wub::cryhappy::hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug::laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

*KER-SNORTAGE!!!*

OoOoOoOoOoWwWwWwWiiiiiiieeeeee, my effing SIIIIIIDES!!!

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

*GASP FOR AIR*

BHWHWHWHWAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

You know what? You should SO write childrens' books. I'm TOTALLY serious. You've got one hell of a knack for this crack!

Link to comment

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! You stopped. And I was like... but... but....

This is just TOO funny and TOO addictive. I LOVE it and I am completely and utterly baited and hooked and just WAITING for more.

Link to comment
:yes: i swear you guys are the best readers i could ask for...i intended for this to be a really really short little bit of romance fluff...and it has somehow morphed into a comedy of errors....im ever so pleased that you have decided to accompany me on this journey. i must adjourn to the realm of pen and pad, hopefully to find the perfect reaction by one utterly perplexed werewolf....
Link to comment
Marinus began to chuckle, but was quickly muffled as Tonks shoved him between two of Guilderoy Lockharts tomes of travel in the bookcase. Turning away, she could hear a high pitched squeal, followed by "oh what a world, what a world......I'm melting.....melting!!!" being uttered by Marinus, as if she has just tortured him most foully

To Be Continued....

Between two Gilderoy Lockhart tomes! Poor Marinus. Surely not even he deserved that!

Brilliant stuff. :yes:

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...