Count de Tisza's drabblingness; Redivivus 4 February 2017 ;

[count tiszula]

I can't resist jumping on, even though I'm so late, I don't know what to do, and I certainly don't know where this is going....

KINK

"I've got this sort of kink," said Adlingden.

Stotter poured more soda water into his vodka. "Hmmm?"

"You see that girl over there? She's going to sneeze. You can tell, if you've got a kink like me. Her eyes are very bright, because they are beginning to water. Her mouth is changing shape, because she is trying not to let it open to gasp for breath. Her nostrils are tensing and trying to flare, and little white patches are appearing just for a moment where the tension is greatest. And when she sneezes , I shall enjoy it. That's my kink, you see. Look, look."

On the other side of the room the girl suddenly closed her eyes altogether, gasped, and Aaaaah-TCHOOOH!...let out a loud sneeze, accompanied by a fine silvery spray from her nose and mouth.

"So lovely", said Adlingden in a whisper.

Stotter took a gulp, and turned. "Keep them coming, will you?" he called across to the bar, waving his glass angrily. He glanced at Adlingden. "What was that you were saying?"

SCIENCE FICTION

"By Grabthar's hammer," said Dr Lazarus," The Thermian is going to exhibit her people's typical nasal reflex."

Crewman 9 poured more xenon into his pan-galactic gargleblaster. "By heaven, Doctor, your scientific deductions are marvellous."

"Elementary, my dear crewman. If you observe her, you will see that the pale patches on her arms which are disguising her suckers are slightly weeping with a cleansing fluid. Her huge breasts, caused by the very enlarged lungs of the species, are bouncing with each involuntary spasm, while even the human eye can determine that her nose is swelling to a much greater size and the meatus, or nostril openings, expanding beyond all measure."

The Thermian suddenly closed off all three sets of eyelids, her chest puffed out like a pigeon's, and HAAAAAH-HAAAHTCHOOOOGX!! with a loud , gruff exhalation, she shot forward. A rushing mighty wind sped through the ship, knocking over all smaller objects. There followed an all-embracing shower of fortunately non-viscous liquids, which left showers of refresshing wetness resembling the Earth dew.

Crewman 9 sent a telepathic scream to the barmaid; " Get over here with another glass now!" He turned to Lazarus. "You know, if I didn;t know you better, I'd say you enjoyed that."

"Illogical, petty officer. My only interest is scientific. And now I must fulfil my people's courtesy function." He stood. "By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warfan, Thermian, you shall be avenged!"

 

Staff note: adjusted title for newest update.

[Vetinari]

*Raises pan-galactic gargleblaster!*

[doggo]

Reading these makes me feel like my brain was smashed with slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick...

[Vetinari]

"Oh no, not again!"

[count tiszula]

The List!

1 - Kink

2 - Science Fiction

3 - Frightened

4 - Fake

5 – Pencil

6 – Squint

7 – Misplaced

8 – Joy

9 - Touched

10 – Cough

11 – Hot/Cold

12 – Sin

13 – Care

14 – Frail

15 – The End

16 – Three

17 – Never

18 – Midnight

19 – Promise

20 – Fight

21 – Pollen

22 – Embarrassment

23 – Alcohol

24 – Mask

25 – Mistake

26 – Suspicion

27 – Disagreement

28 – Assignment

29 – Purple

30 – June

31 – Calculating

32 – Fall

33 – Cry

34 – Relief

35 – Breath

36 – Miserable

37 – Chocolate

38 – Violent

39 – Muffle

40 – Swift

41 – Run

42 – Poison

43 – Contagion

44 – Tissue

45 – Sore

46 – Enraptured

47 – Wary

48 – Pathetic

49 – Sweat

50 – Gentle

51 – Milk

52 – Ravenous

53 – Blanket

54 – Needles

55 – Sports

55 – Ruin

56 – Lovely

57 – Hospital

58 – Annoying

59 – Mother

60 – Bike

61 – Idiot

62 – Puppy

63 – Control

64 – Unfair

65 – Similarities

66 – Raincoat

67 – Worship

68 – Attitude

69 – Fuck

70 – Confession

71 – Floor

72 – Remedy

73 – Don’t

74 – Ego

75 – Heartless

76 – Lullaby

77 – Secret

78 – Shut Up

79 – Music

80 – Grudge

81 – Solitude

82 – Magic

83 – Dirty

84 – City

85 – Teacher

86 – Sky

87 – Hypocrite

88 – Tattoo

89 – Money

90 – Childhood

91 – Goodbye

92 – Victory

93 – Weather

94 – Photo

95 – Rage

96 – Internet

97 – Fashion

98 – Favor

99 – Lazy

100 – Airplane

FRIGHTENED

[A homage to Daphine]

Agent Sonya's heart was beating so hard that it seemed to be battering agaist her ribcage and causing her generous, soft breasts to vibrate with every thud. They were after her. Never in all her time with the agency had she been so convinced that she would be caught. Admittedly she usually had been; but that just meant she knew what would happen; that cruel, leatherclad spymistress torturing her with pepper, pollen and all manner of tickly materiel.

She ran up the corridor and opened a door at random, thrusting through it and accidentally tearing her dress on a nail of the doorjamb so that it ripped off, leaving her with only her bra snd thong. She pressed herself against the door, the breaths coming in short thick pants. The dark room was dusty, and she tried to keep her mouth tight shut and control herself; but she could hear approaching voices. Her nerves were on fire, and jerky movements meant that her flaring nostrils were filling with dust. In spite of everything, she could feel a really big tickle building in her turned-up nose.

"I don't think she's down here". The seductive voice was just outside. Despite everything, she just knew she was going to sneeze.

"Oh no," she thought , "not ANOTHER sneeze!" Tears were spurting from her eyes. She had to hold it in! AAAAAAAAH! AAAH-TCHOOOOH!!

Her head shot forward; the sneeze was so loud that it echoed through the room and out along the corridor. Slowly, the door-handle turned and the sleek sparkly black catsuit of the evil spymistress was revealed.

"Well, Agent Sonya. It sounds like your hay fever is already torturing you. Tie her up, boys."

[Blah!?]

I'm really starting to enjoy these little things. I might need to do some of my own!

[Vetinari]

Yay more! And SWH to boot!

[count tiszula]

FAKE

"I admit it. When I was little I sometimes used to.... Well, you see, you think I'm terribly sneezy; and I am now. But before I became allergic to everything just about, I only sneezed in ones and twos; and only a dozen times a day or so. I was a very, very shy girl, and except to my parents, I couldn't bring myself to speak at all. So when I was with cousins, the only time they ever noticed me was when I sneezed; because even then mine were so much louder than everyone else's. And they would always bless me , or even joke about how big my sneezes were. And one day I hadn't sneezed at all. I'd tried to. I kept taking deep breaths and hoping a sneeze would come, and it didn't, and I thought; why don't I just pretend? So I took a whole series of breaths, and then ATCHOOOOH! I faked a really loud sneeze. And it worked; everyone thought it was real."

"Well done. Sonya. That's something you don't have to worry about any more. Because you've got me here with these dusty feathers tickling you, and if you don't tell me everything, I shall make you sneeze so loudly that the others will hear you."

[count tiszula]

5. PENCIL

After dinner Philip Quarles took out his pencil and notebook. He wrote "Strange how potent the upper partials are; when we hear a girl sneeze, the high-pitched inhalation is what stays in our mind."

His father started to talk in that hilariously old-fashioned way beloved of the old. "I'm glad to see, my boy, that you have enough left of your little penis." He snorted with suppressed laughter. "For you see, that is what a pencil is; from the Latin penicillus. A little penis. Ah, Elinor, you need not laugh." She had shown no sign of it; she was concentrated on her watercolour of Mrs Quarles's garden and the dog T'ang, whose name only his mistress could pronounce. Mr Quarles's high, flutey voice was shaking as much as his long proboscis.

"For you, too, are using your little penis. To the Romans and mediaevals, the little penis was not this thing of wood and graphite, but the delicate hairs of the badger; in short, the penicillus was the paintbrush." Elinor did agree, the mobile, tickly looking hairs were inviting in her hand.

"Happiness is like coke." remarked Mrs Quarles. "Come, T'ang." Only she could pronounce that apostrophe.

"In eighty years' time, no one will understand that remark" . wrote Philip.

"TCHOOH!" said Elinor suddenly, the handle of the little penis concealed in her hand.

[count tiszula]

6; SQUINT

"And little Smiles, why did they expel him from school?" asked Mrs Gross, the housekeeper.

"To be sure, I know not. It was mysterious, aenigma, otherwordly. The headmaster's letter just said that he seemed to produce a contagion, uncontrollably, sinister, amongst those boys. What can have caused a catching infection , surreptitiously?"

"It was Squint! Peter Squint, with his unmannerly, frowardness, open. He was the old master's valet, and then seemed to succeed, grippingly, dominating."

"I expect he died in a way undreamt of, myth, terribly. But what had he to do with innocent Smiles?"

"Why, Miss, they were never apart. They would be down by the lake, amongst the reeds, or in the garden, pressing wild flowers, or in the fields amongst the haystacks. I remember when Squint, in his insolence, once sneezed at the dinner table, and did not use a hankie, and Master Smiles laughed at it. And even at the last, it was Master Smiles who found him, supine with the cold and sneezing his head off, till his sins carried him away."

"Mrs Gross, was this Squint a tall, cadaverous man, darkling, purplish? I have seen him; I have heard his sneezes in the night."

"Nay Miss, he is dead. I saw him in Master Smiles's arms. He almost presented the monument of a suffering servant."

[Vetinari]

Intriguing.How unusual your imaginings are. Pencil is delightful.

[count tiszula]

7; MISPLACED

So he's like "misplaced?" and I'm like hey I fell on it when I was like five and he's like do I get to feel it and I;m like in my mind oh noes if he feels it I am gonna totally have to sneeze and I'm like hey okay but you're totally going to make me have to sneeze and he's like ew and I'm like hey it's not like I'm like "hey will you feel my misplaced septum?" and he's like kay it's cool and he's like putting his finger on the like bridge of my nose and I'm like in my mind hey there's this like really big tickle in my like nostril because the misplaced septum is like pushing into the like really tickly bit and I'm like aah I have to aah and he's like hey hold it back and I'm like TISHOOOOH! and he's like ew and I'm like ew and he's like aw and he's like adorable and he's like adorable and he's like you're adorable and I'm like you're adorable and I'm like he's adorable.

And I sneezed like two times and then another like two times and that makes like five times.

[Vetinari]

[count tiszula]

8;JOY

A huge fire roared in the tea-room of the Randolph, where Lewis sat in a deep old armchair glaring vaguely at the illustrations to "Zuleika Dobson" framed on the wall. He was just trying to identify the one where Dorset is drenched in water and catches a cold, when...

"Mr Lewis?" came a voice. An elegant woman in a wasp-waist black-and-white suit was standing by his arm; he jumped up.

"Mrs Gresham? Do sit down; I'll order some tea and toast; with gentleman's relish."

"Call me Joy ."

"Ah, Joy. Do you know, to me that is a most significant name; I study mediaeval literature, do you see and....the word jois or joi almost sums up the....er...spirit of that world of er.....courtly love it is....er almost an emanation from the lady of the....er..pleasure that she gives to the troubadour it is......almost like a form of Christian grace that....."

Mrs Gresham fumbled in her sleeve for a tiny lace hankie. But "HATISHCHOOOOOH" before she could extract it a violent sneze shook her thin body. " Oh, excuse me! It's so cold outside."

Lewis smiled. "Bless you, Joy. I think it is....for me a.....very appropriate name."

"Gentleman's Relish, sir?" asked the nippy.

[count tiszula]

9;TOUCHED

Celestial Music did the gods compose

When at their feast Apollo touched their Nose.

Hence he by right the God of us shall be,

Whom sacred Sneezing calls her Deity.

Each charming sneeze expels tormenting itches,

And weaken'd Nature's cured with pow'rful hitches.

Thus Virgil's Genius lov'd the country best,

Where sneezes by each flower were exprest.

Under a beech, while Nymphs with CHOOs resound

And crystal streams flow from each nostril round,

With sneezes, Rome, to thy fame he gave issue,

And soon relieved his own harmonious tissue.

[Vetinari]

Such Joy!

[count tiszula]

10; COUGH

"You see that girl . She's going to sneeze. Her eyes are bright, because they are beginning to water. Her mouth is changing shape, because she is trying not to let it open to gasp for breath. Her nostrils are tensing and flaring. And when she sneezes..." Adlingden shivered with anticipation.

Stotter stared into his glass. On the other side of the room, the girl suddenly put her hand to her mouth and coughed loudly. Her eyes momentarily closed as she did. Three or four seconds passed, and she gave three more; cough, cough, cough without a break. Her eyes reopened, and two tears emerged and ran over her soft, peachlike cheeks. Adlingden looked away bitterly.

Stotter's head whipped round.

"Do you see that girl?" he said urgently.

[count tiszula]

11; Hot/Cold

Left alone in the cold bed, Alison resolved to have a hot shower. Ned had not lit the fire before he went out to the shops, and the flat was freezing. It was one of those where the rear extension sticks out like a poodle's tail, with a sort of fluffy round expansion at the garden end. She slipped out from the warm bedclothes and found herself stnding naked in the unlighted bedroom. Shivering, she started her dread journey; out into the freezing hall, where piercing jets of air burst in from outside, hurriedly through the twisting corridor , into the narrow kitchen where blinding shafts of light hit her in the eye. Her nose was dripping from the cold, and the air she breathed quickly in seemed to be prickling her nostrils.

"No, being cold doesn't make you sneeze. It's an urban myth ". She hurried on through the back passage; it was so cold that there was ice on the inside of the window. She could feel the goosepimples on her bottom as she ran into the bathroom and turned the tap on the geyser. As she danced with cold, she saw that the huge brass tap was greenly inscribed with the strange legend "HOT/COLD". A cloud of steam emerged from the geyser, as from a dragon's nostrils, and she felt the sudden hot air sear her face; it was too much too soon.

"HAH- HAH- HAHTCHOOOH!" Her own dragon's nose gave forth a magic shower as she leapt under the water, and desperately turned the tap to try and make it colder.

[count tiszula]

12 SIN

In her heart Sister John of Nepomuk dreaded the moment when Tallis's harmonies burst out across the little chapel. Was not her body worn enough after the day's devotion; when summer came, the change from "Christe qui lux est et Dies" to "Te Lucis ante Terminum" always seemed just a bitter reflection of the renewed flow of pollen that greeted her each year.

"Hostemque nostrum comprime

Ne polluantur corpora." she sang; in the somewhat prissy translation,

Withhold from us our ghostly foe

That spot of sin we may not know.

At the end of Compline the sisters processed in silence to their cells, to prepare for the hot night of tossing and turning. The hayharvest breeze swept through the cloisters and she felt herself give way to the temptation; she tried not to, but what good was it? Haah- HAAH-HatchMMMPF! She did her best to suppress the enemy, but the pleasure swept through her like a wave; already sin had more than spotted her; and the whole night was before her.

With a sigh, she placed her cilice in her press , together with her haire, and got out her discipline. Even with the sins of the nose, if she could only keep her hands occupied.

[count tiszula]

13 CARE

Mr Scholfield sat in his tower overseeing his domain; usually compared to the male genitalia, although this was not unpleasing, he preferred to see the great prominence, springing from between two round, or rather square alae, as more like a gigantic nose.

The University Librarian

Is no proletarian.

He likes me and you;

But not Hugh.

Why had that infantile rhyme occurred to him? Especially since he could not recall ever knowing anyone called Hugh; except the Chancellor of the Exchequer of course. Nearly time for chapel, and then perhaps a few favoured choirboys would join him for a slice of cake in his rooms; his glance fell on a figure sitting on the grass in one of the open courts within the alae, next to the tearoom. Was it a choirboy? The slim figure in its black gown was reading a book which, by its format and decoration, must be a donation from a Victorian don of some German learned journal. Not the Boys' Own, anyway. It was a woman undergraduate. A sneer slightly modified his expression.

As he watched, her cropped head tipped back, and then thrust forward on to the book she held before her with a high-pitched ATISHOOOO! He could almost see the cloud of wetness strike the paper.

"Have a care, madam!" he roared. "Will that book not take cold?"

[count tiszula]

14' FRAIL

One day last fall I am standing on Broadway outside Mindy's Restaurant. That morning I receive word that the Brain intends to take a cup of coffee there that afternoon, and when I see the number of citizens gathered there, I realise that when you get the word that the Brain is having a cup of coffee. you make sure you are in the right place. We stand there for an hour or so and the Brain walks up with a frail on his arm, which is odd because the Brain does not walk along a street like you or me, he gets a citizen to drive him up in a big black automobile; and he does not have a frail on his arm on account of he does not want his everloving to know about his frails ;and his other frails are about as kind to each other as they are to his everloving.

So the Brain walks in with this frail, who has gambs up to her eyeballs and is kind of pale with a turned up nose all freckly and pink at the edges like she has a bad cold, and a waiter is passing with a plate of cheesecake , so he comes to greet the Brain, and the Brain takes the plate from him and gives it to the frail and takes the napkin off his arm also and gives him a finnif in return; and the waiter looks at him like he never sees a pound note before, and shows him the best table.

Well everyone settles down and the waiter brings the coffee when there is this noise like a roscoe shooting; "Ka-CHOW!" and everyone in the place ducks down under the table, except the Brain and the frail. And again "Ka-CHOW!", and citizens are lying on the floor. But the Brain just says "Bless you, my dear Adelaide" to the frail and it turns out that it is just her sneezing after all, like when they say a roscoe sneezes. And so everyone gets off the floor and they all laugh.

And so it seems that all those citizens are wrong when they say the Brain has no sense of humour.

[Vetinari]

Sneezing nuns; always a pleasure. And Frail is amusing. The differences in style between the different drabblingnesses is very pleasing and I like the little references throughout to other things, although doubtless I am missing some of them. Please continue.

[count tiszula]

15 THE END

"The End is nigh," said Adlingdenxx, raising his glass in nineteen of his hands.

"You don't believe in that old tosh," said Stotterxx? "The coming of the Great White Handkerchief will be the end of the world?"

"Of the Universe. In the beginning, the Great Green Arkleseizure sneezed a sneeze so enormous that the whole universe was sneezed out as his spray. He has merely been fumbling in his pocket for the last forty billion years, but any day now..."

Stotterxx laughed. "Scientists have proved that the Universe is in fact forty-THREE billion years old; and that it began with the Big Bang."

"Ah, but what caused that?"

"Well, most likely it was caused by the intervention of an extra-dimensional entity into the proto-Universe , though many scientists believe...."

"You mean the hypertickly grain of pepper from the World of Sneeziness that flew up His nose?"

"Well, if he had two hundred and one fingers, why didn't he put one of them under His nose?"

"Ha, the ultimate question. Suppose he ENJOYED sneezing..."

"Like you do, you pervert....You....what's that red mark in the sky over the mountains?" Stotterxx stared out of the bar window at the distant scarlet stain.

"It looks like a rather stylised monogram of the letters GGA"

"What time is it? Shouldn't the suns have set by now?"

The night was getting whiter and whiter.

THE END

[count tiszula]

16 THREE

Xanthe always hoped for three. Every time she got the tiniest tickle, she longed for it to blossom into something really big that would at least give her what she considered a mini-fit; but she had to admit she just wasn't a very sneezy person; about once a year, assisted by some cold virus, she managed a rather pathetic double; even then the second always seemed like an afterthought rather than the triumphant climax she loved in others, but that was that.

And yet now, this tickle that had just appeared in her right nostril was so strong as to be almost painful, a sort of clean, enjoyable pain that she wanted to go on and on, except of course that HUUUH by its very nature it partook of what the Germans so rightly HUUUUUH so poignantly call Vergaenglich-HAH-keit HAAAAAAH! She froze, overwhelmed by the pleasure.

HAAH-IIIIISSSSHHHH-ooooo!

She sighed ecstatically, and yes, the tickle was still there! She opened herself to yet more pleasure, and waited for the six or seven seconds of heaven as the second sneeze swept through her body and Haaaaaah!

HAAAAAH-IIIISSSSHHHHOOOOO!

Even bigger. She sniffed back the product of the extra sneeze and prepared to resume normal life. But what was this? Was there still a tiny tickle lurking in her nasal innnards? She feared it would dissipate, but instead it rapidly increased far beyond previous levels. If it finally came out, it would indeed be enormous. But it was in no hurry. She could feel each part of her body gradually get into sequence; jaws stretching, diaphragm dropping. She knew that this time her mouth would be forced shut with enormousness and a girly Choo would be inevitable. She relaxed and at the end of perhaps twenty seconds of supreme tickliness, came

HAAAAAAR-CHHHHOOOOOOOOOOH!

It was so violent that the high-pitched, girly sound re-echoed around her, and a huge glinting spray spread into the sunlit air. She smiled.

[Vetinari]

Yum! Good old Xanthe!