I need your help about how to tell my GF?!?

[ishoo]

I've been going out with my gf for about 6 months now, and sometimes talks become "intimate." I really want her to know about my fetish, (and well, how i get off on her or other girls sneezing, ya know.) but, I have no clue whatsoever how to tell her- and WHEN to tell her. It sucks how I can't tell her anything during sex; I would rather see her sneeze or have her sneeze on me than have sex with her, but I have to figure out how to tell her first.

I haven't spent enough time with her to be fortunate enough to see her sneeze, so do you think I should wait until she sneezes to say something? Or should I tell her at some other time? So far, she has had at least 5 colds or so since we've been going out, but NO SNEEZES! unbelievable, right??

I think i'm analyzing this too much, but i want it to turn out the way I plan on it to... you see, I've dated my share of girls, and I think this is "the one," and I think that if I say the wrong thing to her, she'll leave me, or at least something bad might happen- I don't wanna risk it. She's the most beautiful girl, yet such a down to earth honest sweetheart with a terrific personality. I need your help on how to approach/tell her about what REALLY turns me on. maybe you girls will know what I should do, since you may have an idea of how a girl could react... or is there anyone that has gone through this before? if you can think of something, thank you SO MUCH! I appreciate it greatly.

[Lynne]

If it were me, I'd wait until she did sneeze, and then react to it Tell her you don't know why, but you found that really cute or hot or whatever adjective you want LOL But then, I'm a coward, and I've never told ANYBODY.

[Santa's Biggest Fan]

Trust me, it ain't so difficult as it's made out to be. However, it does depend on the intimacy and comfort level that you share. I let my GF into the secret when we were just about 2-3 months into our relationship, and most surprisingly, although she was taken aback initially, she accepted it beautifully and has been incorporating it into our "intimacy" ever since!

Trust me, just do it!!!

[onlyhim]

Everyone wants to be wanted and appreciated by their SO, no? As a girl, I know I would respond very positively to being told I looked really sexy/pretty while I was doing something, or that something I did made my guy hot. I think telling her your reaction like that is a more gentle way to let her know than to blurt out the word "fetish", which a lot of people find to be a bit off-putting. I love reading here about how people share with their partners, and the way you've described her sounds like she would be very accepting. She will probably love that she can do something so simple to make you happy. Good luck! I really hope it works out positively for you!

[Sternuto]

Dont tell her at all!! Ive told a number of girls... with these reactions.

Never sneezed in front of me again. EVER. For almost 4 years!

Blushed and apologized everytime she happened to sneeze in front of me.

Basically just LEFT me. (That one really made me feel like a freak of nature).

Giggled hysterically if she ever happened to sneeze in front of me.

Now... only ONE girl left me because of it, and only ONE girl did the 'never sneezing in my presence', but the other two reactions are quite commonplace.

Its just not worth telling anyone. They will make you feel alienated and freakish.

[morediscreetkid]

Dont tell her at all. Just enjoy what you can.

[SomeoneRandom]

Dont tell her at all. Just enjoy what you can.

doesn't living in secrecy start to get to you? i feel like that now even though i don't have a boyfriend... in a serious relationship, marriage or whatever, shouldn't you feel free to tell them these things? i think i'd suffer if i couldn't tell my husband what turned me on... of course, i haven't done it yet, so i don't have that frame of reference. but i'm hoping that i'll know that someone is "the one" when i feel comfortable telling him and he accepts me for it.

[Heathcliff]

I'm hardly an expert on the opposite sex, but I'd like to offer some advice if I can.

I've told two girlfriends in the past, with positive results each time- so I certainly wouldn't say "Don't ever tell her." However, my advice would be to be patient, and choose your moment very carefully. If your instincts tell you it's not the right moment, don't do it- wait for another time.

I'd also advise you to be careful about how you say it. You said:

I would rather see her sneeze or have her sneeze on me than have sex with her, but I have to figure out how to tell her first.

She might take this comment the wrong way. I would be very careful not to say you would prefer sneezing to sex- it sounds like you don't really enjoy sex with her.

One of the girls I told was happy to try inducing sneezes for me, but she said: "as long as it doesn't become something we do every time." Even if your girlfriend is completely happy to accept your fetish, and willing to try and sneeze for you, it doesn't mean she'll find inducing easy; and it's very unlikely that she'll want to do it all the time.

Please don't give her the impression that you need her to sneeze for you to really enjoy sex- I think that will lead to trouble.

I hope that's helpful.

[sneezerwoman]

If it were me I would tell her only when you feel comfortable to.

[Jessie]

I'm in the "tell her" camp. I have only had two serious boyfriends and I have told them both. The first thought it was a little weird at first, and never wanted to play around with the idea during sex, although after he got used to it he enjoyed that I was particularly in the mood when he was having allergies/colds and really appreciated the TLC ;-)

The second was totally into it, although unfortunately he's one of those people that doesn't sneeze often. Bummer.

Anyway, my opinion is that you should be free to be comfortable and open with anyone you're with long-term. If I were your girlfriend, I would feel slightly insulted if you didn't want to share your turn-ons with me. And really, as weird as our fetish may seem, it's fairly harmless and really almost flattering (I mean, most people feel the least attractive when they're sick...how great is it that we find that even sexier?

Advice: make sure that your SO is a fairly private person. While I enjoy sharing my fetish with romantic partners, I don't want them to go around sharing it with our friends. If you tell them, make sure it's clear that this is a personal thing that you don't usually share (hopefully, she'll be flattered!).

Also, I would downplay the strength of the fetish. As others have suggested, never say anything about preferring sneezes to sex, just emphasize that it makes a good thing even better! Also don't let on to how often you think about it and test the waters before you mention that it's not only her sneezing but random girls that you find attractive. For people without the fetish it can be difficult to distinguish between the act and the person, and she might resent it.

[The Mute Poet]

Well, ishoo, I've told three different girlfriends, and all three I've told have had very, very positive reactions each time, and have enthusiastically indulged me in it afterward... I think it's just a matter of how comfortable you are with her and how open-minded a person she is.

I've always found it's easier to tell them earlier into the relationship, just to get everything out in the open and all the cards on the table. That said, it's still important that you feel comfortable doing so. Now that I think about it... I did the initial telling with all three either on the phone or over msn too, so it might make things slightly easier to come out with it if you don't necessarily do it face to face.

I'd say don't worry too much about getting a bad reaction though - aside from the girlfriends I've ended up telling about 12 or so girls I've met over the past ten years, and I never once got a bad reaction. It's important to keep it in perspective, that as avossouhaits said, it's really quite harmless and innocent in the grand scheme of things and the more you remember that and try to be comfortable I think the more comfortable you'll help her to be when you tell her.

Go for it man, the benefits outway the temporary stress of telling by a ton .

[SomeoneRandom]

I mean, most people feel the least attractive when they're sick...how great is it that we find that even sexier?

i never thought about it that way. i like that.

btw, i told my friend about it a few days ago. he told me that he finds it both "awesome and hilarious."

[Heathcliff]

Also don't let on to how often you think about it and test the waters before you mention that it's not only her sneezing but random girls that you find attractive. For people without the fetish it can be difficult to distinguish between the act and the person, and she might resent it.

Avossouhaits has a really good point here, about mentioning other girls sneezing- I made some very naive mistakes with the first girlfriend I told.

She was very accepting of the fetish, and I was so thrilled to have someone I could talk to about it. However, I once mentioned a sneeze attack I'd witnessed from another girl we were both friends with, and my girlfriend got quite jealous... and who can blame her? It was like I was describing a feature of her friend that I found attractive.

Another thing- if your girlfriend's sneezes are not as impressive as you hoped, don't mention this.

My girlfriend had quiet cough-like sneezes- and I once said something like "Your sneezes are so cute, even though that's not my favourite type of sneeze". I meant it as a compliment, but of course she found it hurtful.

Looking back, I realise what a stupid comment it was- if your girlfriend had small breasts, you wouldn't say something like "You're so gorgeous, even though I usually like women with bigger breasts."

Again, I hope that helps.

[spin721]

Don't ever be dishonest with a woman about your feelings. Tell her.

It is very simple.

Get over your own hang ups. You are assuming that you know how she will react.

[ishoo]

Well, ishoo, I've told three different girlfriends, and all three I've told have had very, very positive reactions each time, and have enthusiastically indulged me in it afterward... I think it's just a matter of how comfortable you are with her and how open-minded a person she is.

I've always found it's easier to tell them earlier into the relationship, just to get everything out in the open and all the cards on the table. That said, it's still important that you feel comfortable doing so. Now that I think about it... I did the initial telling with all three either on the phone or over msn too, so it might make things slightly easier to come out with it if you don't necessarily do it face to face.

I'd say don't worry too much about getting a bad reaction though - aside from the girlfriends I've ended up telling about 12 or so girls I've met over the past ten years, and I never once got a bad reaction. It's important to keep it in perspective, that as avossouhaits said, it's really quite harmless and innocent in the grand scheme of things and the more you remember that and try to be comfortable I think the more comfortable you'll help her to be when you tell her.

Go for it man, the benefits outway the temporary stress of telling by a ton .

That's true, but I told one of my past friends (which was a girl,) early in our friendship, and just because of it, she decided not to be my friend anymore. I'm just going to give it a little bit of time with my current relationship... I don't know if there's such thing as the perfect time, but maybe there will be?

- thanks everyone for giving me this advice!

[The Dude]

What Lynne said. Just make a casual remark along the lines of "I don't know if anyone's ever told you this, but you have a really cute sneeze." Be as honest and matter-of-fact as you can about it, but say it with a smile. Chances are she'll find it amusing and laugh. By all accounts that is a very good sign, and paves the way for more playful and exciting conversation ("I'll bet you never imagined anyone could find that attractive", etc etc).

This approach takes a lot of balls/confidence/self-acceptance, but is well worth it IMO. Fuck shame. Life is too short.

[Vetinari]

Giggled hysterically if she ever happened to sneeze in front of me.

Seriously Sternuto I love sneezing and I would love to sneeze in front of another fetishist. I would definitely giggle afterwards though, not because I find the fetish or the other person funny but because that's often what I do when I get a real kick out of something. She may well just have been pleased at the idea of what she was doing to you.

I think it is important to tell. If the person can't or won't accept it then maybe, however much you like them they are not the right person for you. Bear in mind if you are thinking of long term commitment that if you hide something now you may still be trying to hide it in ten years or more. Believe me I did that and it wasn't good. To have a good relationship you have to be yourself and hiding something important to you is not a good way to start out.

Don't see marriage (or moving in together or whatever) as an END. I know I did. My aim was to snare someone and I was willing to hide things about myself to "achieve" that end. Then I had to live with it. For a long time. Now I've stopped trying to hide anything and it works a whole lot better.

As for how to tell, there are various people around here who seem to tell others quite openly and I think being casual about it is the way to go if you can manage it. I have told one or two people and the worst thing about telling was the way I did it in a state of horrible embarrassment. Messing around. Saying "You're going to think it's really weird" all that kind of stuff. The more you make a big deal of it, the more likely the other person is to react strongly.

For me there's a big difference between "Oh dear, I have a terrible admission, I have a deep dark secret, I have a sneezing fetish" and saying in far more casual terms that you love sneezing. Maybe if she ever does it then that is your opening as some other people have suggested. Currently I have a friend (who doesn't know as such) but in front of whom I have reacted so much about sneezing that when anyone sneezes we both giggle. And no, I don't think she is a fetishist, I think she just thinks I am some kind of lovable weirdo about it. I have said quite openly that I like sneezing. In fact I wrote it in Norwegian in the section of my textbook where I had to talk about myself and the teacher marked it.

Don't act like you're ashamed. I think that's the most important thing. It's not something to be ashamed of. Sex is a strange thing and it seems unlikely to me that there are many people who have some kink or other. If you can discuss this openly then you might end up having far more fun than if you don't.

Good luck with it all.

[Feta Sneeze]

How I told a group of friends and my (to be) husband - before we dated:

We were playing "I never" - as a drinking game. (Not suggested if you're under 21). you can use fingers instead of drinks if you're underage And we were on a sexual topic. Somehow it came up, and I said I had a fetish. Everyone was bugging me "What is it! What is it!" And I guaged their reactions, saying "Oh it's probably really weird/gross/a variation of the two". But they were all really cool about it, saying "Oh it can't be that bad!" and "as long as it doesn't involve crap". So I finally told them and they were like ..."That isn't bad at all!" "I've never heard of that one!" and then began pestering me about "how does it work" and "Do mine turn you on?!" It was a great night really.

I wish you the best of luck and hope I helped at least a little

[SomeoneRandom]

tonight, i hooked up with a guy. i don't know if it'll happen again or if anything will come of it, but i took the opportunity to mention fetishes.

at one point, we were sitting on the floor and he started stroking my feet. i said, "that feels good... do you like feet?" he said that he didn't have a fetish for them (most people know about foot fetishes because it's very common), but he wasn't one of those people who is freaked out by them, either. to test out the fetish idea i said, "it must be cool to have a foot fetish - instead of hoping to see a random girl naked, you can just see everyone's feet in the summer when they wear flip-flops. it's like an added bonus." he agreed with me... i just thought that was a good sign, or a good way to test the waters.

[greycat19]

Instead of using the word fetish (because that tends to be more uncomfortable, I think) you can just say that you think it's kinky. It could be a conversation. First you ask her, what does she think is kinky. and then when she asks you in response (or if she doesn't, you can just say "you'll never guess what I think is kinky" or "you wanna know what I think is kinky?") and then tell her. if you make it seem kind of naughty, but in a crazy-but-good way, she's way more likely to have a good reaction.

[Nicole]

You're only 17, otherwise I'd recommend getting drunk first. Kidding, kidding...

I told one of my exes. We were together for 5 years when I told him, and I've never gotten a more negative response to anything in my life. It's as if I told him I enjoyed licking toilet bowls. He got totally disgusted and said, "Ewww...what, do you want me to do it all over you or something?"

Needless to say, I NEVER mentioned it again. And Lord knows that every time someone around us sneezed, I would have preferred to crawl under a rock than to enjoy it.

But 3 years later I told McHotPants. The first time I mentioned it we were drunk... I wanted to see how it would go over. He had sneezed earlier that night...I didn't say anything then. But later that night I sneezed and apologized. McHotPants said, "Don't apologize, it's cute." And I blurted out that his sneezes earlier made me want to wrestle him to the ground right in the restaurant and go to town. He forgot it the next day, but he was really intrigued that night. And in vino veritas, right? So I figured when I told him sober, I'd get a good reaction. And I did, and I'm always so glad I told. Feels liberating, you know?

You'll know the right moment. If you aren't sure, hold off. You'll feel it. And if you never do, don't feel like you HAVE to tell. There are benefits to keeping it a secret, too.

Good luck!

[Guest foreply]

Achtung.

I see a lot of good advice from other community members here, so if nothing else, be assured that the scenario with which you are dealing is not an anomaly; that which you are seeking to accomplish is familiar to many here, myself included. In other words, trust me: it might look like the holy grail, but it feels just like riding a bike. Once you've beheld it.

Whether or not she's "the one" is irrelevant to the guidance you are requesting. And, whether you're 17, 71 or the seventh samurai, I think you've got all the right answers to the wrong question. Here's why.

Let's say I gave you a "magic piece" of information...something so mindblowing that everyone in this forum praised me for the life of this site, in spite of the fact that this is my first post ever. Let's say that this magic nugget-o-knowledge was so perfect, practical and precise that there was no question as to whether or not it would work, but was somehow self-evident; soon you'd be in the midst of your conversation with her and articulating your specific desires as naturally as if you'd done it a hundred times already with her.

You felt that didn't you? Yes, you did, and the reason is because it's not the least bit absurd...you just don't know how to get across the gap to actualize such a state. And looking back across--once you're there--the obstacle you faced before you talked about it with her looks so much more mundane than you remember. You're almost a little disappointed; how could you have not seen it then?

Most people with a fetish, especially a non-mainstream fetish, won't find a life partner who miraculously shares that same kink. Some never look, some never have to - but the handful who are fortunate and/or wise enough to understand these discrete rules of psychosexual distinction are the ones who I wager to feel most fulfilled. See table below:

Form: a +/- b +/- c =/!= x

(You Love Her) + (She Loves You) = (There's no reason not to tell her, if a and b are both true)

(You Love Her) + (She Loves You) + (She Accepts Your Fetish) = (equilibrium)

(You Love Her) + (She Loves You) + (She Rejects Your Fetish) = (If a and b are both true, c will make you stronger in the end)

(You Love Her) + (She Rejects Your Love) + (She Accepts Your Fetish) = (She Loves Her)

(You Love Her) + (She Rejects Your Love) + (She Rejects Your Fetish) = (You Have a Higher Priority Problem to Deal with)

Of course, you may also wish to consult my Corollary Table of Lesser Psychosexual Socioconundrums:

(You Love Her) + (She Loves New York) = (You Just Married a T-Shirt)

(You Love Her) + (You Love Her) = (You Love Skipping Meds)

(You Love Her) + (I Love Her) = (You Never Should've Trusted Me)

(I Love You) + (You Love Me) = (You Must Be Looking for the Dinosaur Cosplay Forum)

E

[greycat19]

Most people with a fetish, especially a non-mainstream fetish, won't find a life partner who miraculously shares that same kink. Some never look, some never have to - but the handful who are fortunate and/or wise enough to understand these discrete rules of psychosexual distinction are the ones who I wager to feel most fulfilled. See table below:

Form: a +/- b +/- c =/!= x

(You Love Her) + (She Loves You) = (There's no reason not to tell her, if a and b are both true)

(You Love Her) + (She Loves You) + (She Accepts Your Fetish) = (equilibrium)

(You Love Her) + (She Loves You) + (She Rejects Your Fetish) = (If a and b are both true, c will make you stronger in the end)

(You Love Her) + (She Rejects Your Love) + (She Accepts Your Fetish) = (She Loves Her)

(You Love Her) + (She Rejects Your Love) + (She Rejects Your Fetish) = (You Have a Higher Priority Problem to Deal with)

Of course, you may also wish to consult my Corollary Table of Lesser Psychosexual Socioconundrums:

(You Love Her) + (She Loves New York) = (You Just Married a T-Shirt)

(You Love Her) + (You Love Her) = (You Love Skipping Meds)

(You Love Her) + (I Love Her) = (You Never Should've Trusted Me)

(I Love You) + (You Love Me) = (You Must Be Looking for the Dinosaur Cosplay Forum)

E

This made me lmao. in public. nice.

[Guest Expulsion]

(I Love You) + (You Love Me) = (You Must Be Looking for the Dinosaur Cosplay Forum)

E

That was so funny!

I'm new to everything here, in every sense, but I thought I would reply anyway.

I am of the opinion that being honest is an amazing concept, but in practice it can often lead to a complicated outcome. A lot of people are uptight about fetishes, no matter what they are, just the connotation of fetish makes people believe you are in some way twisted mentally. This is not (usually) true, but people do tend to take it badly. What it comes down to is how open you two are with your preferences. Does she get easily uncomfortable about sexual things? If she does or if she is prone to overreacting or is just generally close minded, I wouldn't tell her. It doesn't make her a bad person, it just makes her less open to new things and it would complicate your relationship.

If she is calm, open minded, and she cares about you quite a bit I would tell her. It's always best to have a good, honest communication but that is dependent upon the person you are with. I don't see why anyone would freak out over such an innocent fetish, but then again I am not your average girl.

[Jessie]

Of course, you may also wish to consult my Corollary Table of Lesser Psychosexual Socioconundrums:

(You Love Her) + (She Loves New York) = (You Just Married a T-Shirt)

(You Love Her) + (You Love Her) = (You Love Skipping Meds)

(You Love Her) + (I Love Her) = (You Never Should've Trusted Me)

(I Love You) + (You Love Me) = (You Must Be Looking for the Dinosaur Cosplay Forum)

E

wow. this is brilliant. I've sat here for several minutes trying to think of an equally clever way to say I love your post, but FAIL.

Welcome to the forum.