Funny quotes and slip-ups

[Chanel_no5]

We have a mishearing things thread, a misreading things thread, but no mis-saying things thread, so let's start one.

 

I'm talking to my mom about parking spaces, and she says this:

”My neighbour usually plants his car over there. Plants? Parks. He parks his car. He doesn't plant his car. That would be weird.”

***

I turn to one of the ladies at the stable and say, very seriously:

"This is not over yet, we need to gather everyone for a dissection."

I meant discussion. That escalated quickly...  

***

"It's a made-up character, played by a made-up person..!"

The occupation is normally referred to as "actor/actress", however...

***

Friend: "It was those... piano pipes."
Pause.
Me: "Piano pipes? You don't mean pan pipes now?"
Friend: "Oh, right, that's what they're called."

 

So, add in yours!

 

[CHOCOLATE <3]

"We should go see that emotional movie" - my mom, talking about "Inside out", except she can never remember the names of things

I'll definitely have more from her, but I can't remember any more right now haha 

[gingerdean]

lol, great topic. I'll have to think on this, here's one that comes to mind, though.

At a wedding reception a couple weeks ago, I asked the DJ if he could play 'Beat It' by Alan Jackson. He just kind of stared at me at first, and finally he said, "You mean Michael Jackson, right?"   I finally realized my mistake, and I was like, "Oh yeah, him. Sorry." 

(Alan Jackson is a country singer, in case anyone doesn't know. And he definitely doesn't sing 'Beat It' )

[nolongeractive]

When I took Spanish in middle school, once in a blue moon a student would exclaim "soy embarassado" to mean "I'm embarrassed" if they messed up a word or accidentally said the wrong thing, and the teacher would always laugh at them. What they were actually saying was (improperly) "I'm pregnant". The actual word is "embarazada"; since they were saying "embarazado" with masculine conjugation, they were actually referring to male pregnancy, so even better.

[FadedRose]

1 hour ago, The Cracked Egg said:

When I took Spanish in middle school, once in a blue moon a student would exclaim "soy embarassado" to mean "I'm embarrassed" if they messed up a word or accidentally said the wrong thing, and the teacher would always laugh at them. What they were actually saying was (improperly) "I'm pregnant". The actual word is "embarazada"; since they were saying "embarazado" with masculine conjugation, they were actually referring to male pregnancy, so even better.

My Spanish teacher from last year was visiting Mexico, and he missed his stop on the bus, and he said "Soy embarazado," meaning he was embarrassed he missed his stop, but instead everyone on the bus started laughing at him. He looked it up in his little pocket dictionary and that's when he found out it actually meant "I'm pregnant." Hey, it was a funny story to laugh at!

When I can think of something, I'll post it here. I definitely do this a lot, I just can't think of one off the top of my head.

[FadedRose]

Two days later...,

For my birthday a few months back, one of my friends got me one of those sleeping mask things.

**Background: My bedroom is semi-Paris themed, with decorations of the Eiffel Tower and paintings of it**

It said "Dreaming of Paris," but it was in cursive, so the first time when I looked just briefly at it, I thought it said something else. Think dirty and you'll know what I mean 

[Shamaël]

"Embarazado", that's great ! What you said in spanish makes me think of another word (fetish-related) : constipado. In spanish when you say "estoy constipado", it means "I have a cold". But in french, "constipé" means... constipated (I think this has the same meaning in both english and french). So it's a bit weird (the first time a Spanish asked me, in french because we worked in a tandem in both languages, if I was "constipée", I was puzzled - and quite embarrassed, as I had just met him two hours ago... he, on his side, was sure that in french he had asked me if I had a cold !).

[Chanel_no5]

*gigglesnort* Oh these are hilarious!

At 2 in the afternoon, I was wrapping things up at the stable while talking to another lady, and realised I was craving something sweet. So I was going to say "I'm gonna have a mazarin when I get home" (a cookie/pastry thing).

What I did say was: "I'm gonna have a Martini when I get home".

I think I'm going to get a bad reputation.

[Indescribable]

After doing something they weren't supposed to do:

Friend: "Well, I may end up in the dollhouse tonight."

Me: I need a video of you getting in there  

Friend: "Wait, what did I say?! Did I say dollhouse or doghouse?"

[Chanel_no5]

On 2016-10-13 at 5:36 PM, Indescribable said:

Friend: "Well, I may end up in the dollhouse tonight."

Sounds like the plot twist of a Twilight Zone episode!

 

One of the ladies at the stable, very annoyed:

"I've lost my key to the bed chamber!"

She realises everyone has stopped what they're doing and stares at her, replays in her mind what she just said, and says in a soft, quiet voice:

"I meant I've lost my key to the saddle chamber..."

 

[Sophie<3]

Me trying to type the name of this forum: Sneeze Fish Forum.

[Chanel_no5]

That sounds like a rather... I'm not sure if I should say interesting or disturbing, type of fish.

So I just accidentally wrote "pollen cunt" instead of "pollen count" and now I don't know if I should be horrified and ashamed or laugh myself silly.

 

[Anonymouse]

37 minutes ago, Cemetary_no5 said:

That sounds like a rather... I'm not sure if I should say interesting or disturbing, type of fish.

So I just accidentally wrote "pollen cunt" instead of "pollen count" and now I don't know if I should be horrified and ashamed or laugh myself silly.

 

Sounds like an... interesting inducing method. Magical, even.

[bangbang]

5 hours ago, Cemetary_no5 said:

So I just accidentally wrote "pollen cunt" instead of "pollen count" and now I don't know if I should be horrified and ashamed or laugh myself silly.

Just let out the filthiest cackle at 4am. Whoops. 

I always browse the forum on incognito mode and used to get here by typing in "sneeze forum" - once, half asleep, I ended up confused and reading about Brie on the Cheese Forum. 

[Melody]

So yesterday I was doing an english project with my friend and she's like:

"Can you find any synonyms for the word vast?"

And then, intelligibly my response is "Sorry I can't think of any cinnamons for that word." 

Smooth Mel smooth  

 

[Chanel_no5]

Mom talks about a friend's kid who's going to America over Christmas:

"She was going to, not New York, where do you go when you're not going to New York?" 

She was trying to say "Los Angeles". 

[bloom]

6 minutes ago, Chanel_no5 said:

Mom talks about a friend's kid who's going to America over Christmas:

"She was going to, not New York, where do you go when you're not going to New York?" 

She was trying to say "Los Angeles". 

This is so good. I saw it in the forum's side bar preview thing and it cut off at "Where do you go when you're not going to New York?" and in my head I filled in "Los Angeles, of course," so in conclusion I understand your mom's line of thinking.  

[Chanel_no5]

1 hour ago, Junia said:

This is so good. I saw it in the forum's side bar preview thing and it cut off at "Where do you go when you're not going to New York?" and in my head I filled in "Los Angeles, of course," so in conclusion I understand your mom's line of thinking.  

Haha, it does make sense, but for some reason I thought she meant on the East Coast so I went with "Boston?" "DC?" and she was like "no, the other place!"  

[SleepingPhlox]

Today I was carpet cleaning the upstairs hallway and I thought I was finished but then I noticed this dark section of carpet that I could have sworn I went over, but must have missed.  So I went over it again.  Wouldn't shift.  Went over it again.  Still there.   Went over it again and again and again, descending into ever deepening frustration wondering what had happened to my damn carpet and how I was going to fix it.  I was at it for a while.

I never managed to clean that dark section of carpet.

Because it was a shadow cast by a shelf. 

 

[StaraiRoalanstjay]

27 minutes ago, SleepingPhlox said:

Today I was carpet cleaning the upstairs hallway and I thought I was finished but then I noticed this dark section of carpet that I could have sworn I went over, but must have missed.  So I went over it again.  Wouldn't shift.  Went over it again.  Still there.   Went over it again and again and again, descending into ever deepening frustration wondering what had happened to my damn carpet and how I was going to fix it.  I was at it for a while.

I never managed to clean that dark section of carpet.

Because it was a shadow cast by a shelf. 

 

That photo in your signature perfectly sums up this post...

[Chanel_no5]

15 hours ago, SleepingPhlox said:

I never managed to clean that dark section of carpet.

Because it was a shadow cast by a shelf. 

Hahaha, oh noooo!! Well... at least the work was very thoroughly done, then?  

[Chanel_no5]

My sister always tends to embarrass herself when she meets new people, by misspeaking or calling them by the wrong names, and she was meeting with some fairly important people... so she had a fool-proof plan to avoid having to speak:

"I'm gonna say that I'm mute!"

***

I read this in a local newspaper:

"there are other apesects..."

Given the context I'm pretty sure they meant ASPECTS, but ape sects??   I think humans are the only animal creatively and collectively dumb enough to form sects, really.

Except for IN-sects.  

I'm sorry. I had to.  

 

 

 

[MeForever]

I just have this thing alot where I stumble over my words over the most simple things, like once I said something like 

"So if it classes during rain I will get very angry!" 

I ment if it rains during class ?.

[SleepingPhlox]

I'm bringing this back because oh man, I'm just...I'm really not with it today and when I'm not with it I do some dumb stuff.

I got into work this morning and brought my coffee press into the kitchen to make my morning coffee.  I usually touch the back of my fingers to the side of the kettle to see if the water has been boiled already or if I need to boil it but this morning my brain and body were not on the same wavelength because I ended up...just punching the kettle and moving it a good six inches across the counter.  Then I remembered I forgot to bring my glass in to fill up with cold water so I turned around immediately to go get it.  Which was an action that made sense.  However to everyone else (because of course it had to happen in front of people!) it just looked like I walked in, punched the kettle across the counter, and then fucked off again. 

 

[Chanel_no5]

13 hours ago, ZombiePhlox said:

However to everyone else (because of course it had to happen in front of people!) it just looked like I walked in, punched the kettle across the counter, and then fucked off again. 

That's one way to get a reputation...  

I went outside of my apartment without pants today. Seriously. I had just showered, and put on a T-shirt and boxers. Usually I don't wear boxers, so it didn't feel as naked as with regular panties, so I happily put on shoes and a jacket and walked outside. 

Where I realised it was VERY cold. Why is it so cold and draughty? Oh. Because I'm not wearing pants. 

I don't think anyone saw me, but holy fuck… speaking of getting a reputation...