Dear Forum, (an advice thread!)

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

so the idea for this thread is if you're stuck on a decision or problem, that you can come here and ask ye olde forum for advice, kind of like writing into a crowd-sourced advice column. and! if you don't have a decision or problem, you can read and see if you have any good advice to give someone who does. 

the only thing i have to say for this thread is DO NOT GIVE OR ASK FOR MEDICAL ADVICE. that's against forum rules and also generally unsafe! you should only be getting medical advice from your doctor! 

i'll go first:

 

-- --

 

Dear Forum, 

someone who i was classmates with but didn't know very well in highschool (ten-ish years in the past) connected with me on facebook about a month ago, and we've been in casual facebook contact since then, like messaging "how was your day" smalltalk stuff, and i commented on a couple of his statuses. Then out of the blue he asked me how i'd feel about maybe hanging out this week, and i was like "oh he must be in town for some reason" sure so i said " sure, that would be fun!" thinking that he would swing by and we'd hang out and he'd leave and it would be a nice catch-up/see an old face visit!

we had like one (1) hour long conversation on a voice call, and made some plans. i find out he's not actually going to be in town he just wants to drive three hours to see me and spend the entire day with me. me, a person he barely knows??? which like was weird, so i asked him like "hey, why???" and basically he said like "well in high school i thought you were pretty neat and we never really got the chance to be friends, so i thought we could try to connect now" and i was like suspicious but accepting of this answer

so today he drove three hours to see me and we spent the day sitting in a park, and then at a cafe, and then wandering a mall, and having like basically getting to know you conversation.

the thing is he kept being weirdly nice??? like he wants to take me to Travel Places, and like.... i barely know him? i don't want to leave the country with him???  i'm NOT GOING TO fucking leave the country with him!! Also he said that he cares about me and wants to see me happy and succeed and i'm kind of mystified because he barely knows me too!!!! what???

here's the part i need help with: he said that he wants to come visit again to do something fun for my birthday, and i agreed and i don't know why i said "yeah, okay!" but i did, and now i can't think of anything to actually do because i'm flat fucking broke always, and if he spends any more money on me i'm going to feel guilty and weirdly beholden to him because he already bought me bubble tea and a hot pretzel with cheese today, and there is NOTHING TO DO where i live and i am NOT inviting him to my HOME where i LIVE to hang out because he's ACTING WEIRD

what do i DO

-- befuddled birthday in [redacted] usa

[Joal 555]

That's really tricky.

Perhaps you could say something like:

"I really appreciate what you've done so far and you seem like a really nice guy, but it's all going a little fast and given that we don't each other too well, it's a bit too much too soon. I should have said something a bit sooner, but I didn't want to appear ungrateful and I apologise for not doing so, but although I'd love to stay in contact with you, can we just dial things down a bit? For my birthday it would be great if we could skype/facetime for a while, but can we just leave it at that without you undertaking a 3 hour journey again so soon after the last one. I would feel guilty and a little uncomfortable letting you do that when what we currently have is a casual friendship, which is how I would like it to stay"

Obviously, only you will know how that will come across to him and whether you are comfortable saying something along those lines. Of course, if you do go down that road, I'm sure you will reword some or all of it to suit your own conversational style.

It seems to me that unless you want a closer relationship with him, the sooner you let him know where you stand the better. The longer you leave it and let him continue doing "over the top" things, the harder it will be at some point in the future.

I sympathise with you because these things are never easy and the situation you are in is not of your own making.

I hope that helps a little or maybe triggers some ideas of your own and whatever happens, good luck!

[Zracken3]

If he genuinely cares for you, then you might have a great thing going. But, I agree with Joal 555 here; you should let him know how you feel. Tell him you appreciate the effort he's put in, but you think things are going too fast between you. If he's being genuine and really likes you, he'll understand and respect your wishes. If he doesn't accept your boundaries, then you might have to be more careful as he may have ulterior motives.

To summarize, open and honest communication about your feelings is a requirement for any relationship to develop healthily. And if you both respect each other, then there should be no problem with being making your feelings known.

Just my two cents. 

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

thanks you guys. good advice ♡ 

i'll update after the next time we talk to each other.  

[Reader]

Dear forum,

How do I get my sister over her initial hump? She’s started the process of switching careers. She has to learn this next career from scratch while keeping her old job. Fear and doubt is making her hesitate even though she’s perfect for the job. 

Let’s say the job is singing and she has to record herself singing. She’s done a few, but she hasn’t sent them in to potential customers. I told her to continuously send me what she’s doing as accountability or to find a checklist she can go through to make sure she’s doing each part right. I also told her she could reward herself after each step, but the hump is still there. She lives in another state, so I need long-distance ideas to help her. I know if she can get past the first bump, it’ll be smooth sailing. Any advice on what I can say to her or do from far away?

[Wilde]

@•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•  I don’t have anything to add to the advice others have already given, but I just wanted to say it really speaks for you that you’re asking for advice and putting effort into dealing with this person in a nice/civilised manner, rather than just ghosting him like some people might do. 

@Reader If I were you in that kind of a situation, I’d first and foremost ask her if she has a preferred way of being helped with these things. I’d also read up on the subject your sister is working on so as to be able to give her really detailed feedback. Like, I don’t know anything about singing, and if I would have to feedback someone’s singing, I’d make sure to have some knowledge of the subject. In a similar way, I prefer having my work feedbacked by people who are in the same field. If she’s in contact with people doing the same career she’s starting now, maybe she could ask them for help as well. I was hired for my current job with no specific prior experience and learned everything from colleagues, and we infinite to learn together. It sounds like you’re really trying to help her and be there for her, and in the end of course your effort is the most valuable aspect of your support. 

[March Hare]

1 hour ago, Reader said:

Dear forum,

How do I get my sister over her initial hump? She’s started the process of switching careers. She has to learn this next career from scratch while keeping her old job. Fear and doubt is making her hesitate even though she’s perfect for the job. 

Let’s say the job is singing and she has to record herself singing. She’s done a few, but she hasn’t sent them in to potential customers. I told her to continuously send me what she’s doing as accountability or to find a checklist she can go through to make sure she’s doing each part right. I also told her she could reward herself after each step, but the hump is still there. She lives in another state, so I need long-distance ideas to help her. I know if she can get past the first bump, it’ll be smooth sailing. Any advice on what I can say to her or do from far away?

The best thing you can do for her is probably going to be the hardest thing for you: limiting yourself to giving love and support, instead of championing her and doing her work.

The fear and doubt are her monsters to contend with, and outside incentive isn't going to vanquish them in her.

Tell her you're rooting for her, that you love and support her, and that you believe in her absolutely. Ask her questions about her fears and doubts ("what exactly do you think could happen? How would that make you feel? Is it likely to happen? What would you feel if, on the other hand, something awesome happened?" et cetera) and be explicit about how she needs to tell herself the answers, rather than you, per se. Let her go her own way at her own pace. Don't lead her. This needs to be her quest. That way, when it happens, she'll really have vanquished her dragons.

[Reader]

Wow, good advice! Thank you @Wilde and @March Hare 😄

[Travel]

Great idea for a thread! 

So, the computer I was using for work and everything practically died on me. I've tried to check the disc and everything, and I got this message: 

SMART CHECK: RECOMMENDED ACTION - Executing DST

LONG DST: Failed

I've read that this means that I should probably change my hard drive. Should I? And if I did, how much would it cost? How can make it so I can come back with a hard drive and revamp my computer so it's better than ever? 

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

11 hours ago, Travel said:

Great idea for a thread! 

So, the computer I was using for work and everything practically died on me. I've tried to check the disc and everything, and I got this message: 

SMART CHECK: RECOMMENDED ACTION - Executing DST

LONG DST: Failed

I've read that this means that I should probably change my hard drive. Should I? And if I did, how much would it cost? How can make it so I can come back with a hard drive and revamp my computer so it's better than ever? 

eeeegh 😬 

now i have to qualify this by saying i speak on experience only and not from a place of expertise, so i can't say whether this is a replace-your-hard-drive situation or not, but i can tell you that if it is then in my experience it's more affordable to get a new computer at that point. 

my best advice for your situation honestly is to call a tech support service, like geeksquad or similar, and let them help you figure out what's going on. 

good luck!

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

also, an update! i did speak with the former classmate i wrote about earlier, and i told him basically what you said, @Joal 555, and he understood. we tuen had a bit of a long conversation about like, things being a bit sudden and overwhelming and confusing for me, and i think (i hope?) he understands where i'm coming from, at least. thank you for the help! and thank u, @Zracken3 for your support!

[Travel]

2 hours ago, •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.• said:

eeeegh 😬 

now i have to qualify this by saying i speak on experience only and not from a place of expertise, so i can't say whether this is a replace-your-hard-drive situation or not, but i can tell you that if it is then in my experience it's more affordable to get a new computer at that point. 

my best advice for your situation honestly is to call a tech support service, like geeksquad or similar, and let them help you figure out what's going on. 

good luck!

Thanks! I was actually thinking of calling the Geek Squad folks. Have you had any experience with them? 

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

16 minutes ago, Travel said:

Thanks! I was actually thinking of calling the Geek Squad folks. Have you had any experience with them? 

yeah! they're really great, my whole family uses them for tech help

[Travel]

2 minutes ago, •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.• said:

yeah! they're really great, my whole family uses them for tech help

Thanks! I'll give them a call or pay them a visit soon! 

[Joal 555]

2 hours ago, •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.• said:

also, an update! i did speak with the former classmate i wrote about earlier, and i told him basically what you said, @Joal 555, and he understood. we tuen had a bit of a long conversation about like, things being a bit sudden and overwhelming and confusing for me, and i think (i hope?) he understands where i'm coming from, at least. thank you for the help! and thank u, @Zracken3 for your support!

You're welcome!

I'm so glad you were able to tackle the situation and make some progress.

I imagine you feel much better about it all now, I hope so anyway!

.

[Esstrosa]

3 hours ago, •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.• said:

also, an update! i did speak with the former classmate i wrote about earlier, and i told him basically what you said, @Joal 555, and he understood. we tuen had a bit of a long conversation about like, things being a bit sudden and overwhelming and confusing for me, and i think (i hope?) he understands where i'm coming from, at least. thank you for the help! and thank u, @Zracken3 for your support!

I'm gonna be honest this guy sounds like a stalker my advice make sure he knows your not interested in him and never will be but you can still be friends if he doesn't be creepy 

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

1 hour ago, Esstrosa said:

I'm gonna be honest this guy sounds like a stalker my advice make sure he knows your not interested in him and never will be but you can still be friends if he doesn't be creepy 

lmao, ya. basically we did talk about that, too. honestly the whole ordeal made me feel a bit like i'd love to put a little more distance between me and him, but he definitely knows that i'm very much a lesbian and not into him, and he says he's not into me either, tho idk how much i believe him. but regardless i think he knows that i was uncomfortable and he was rlly understanding about my not wanting to get together for my bday nextish week so that's that on that. i feel a lot better and more in control of the situation now definitely 

[MaiMai]

To echo what others have said, this is a great concept for a thread! Here's something I'd like to ask, in case anyone has any advice/own experiences:

Dear forum,

I'm starting commuting to university soon, by train, but the train station is a good 40/50 minute walk from where I live. I like walking, but that's gonna be a lot twice a day + two 40 minute train journeys. The thing is, I'm terrified of both cycling and driving, which would really be my only options due to non-existent public transport.   So I was wondering, does anyone have any advice or experience in pushing past anxiety around either of those things? I've started trying to learn to cycle again, but I haven't done it since I was about 12 (when I crashed and afterwards built up a bunch of anxiety around it). As a result I'm progressing suuuper slowly. At first I was too scared to put my feet on the pedals; now that I can do that, I panic as soon as I actually start moving on the bike, forget to pedal and ride into hedges?  As for driving, I've never tried, because for some unknown reason I've had recurring nightmares about having to drive since I was a kid (idk where they originated from). I know I need to try it, but I'm really worried I'll panic, like with cycling, which is more of a problem with a car than with a bike.

So yeah. If anyone has any advice re: pushing past things you're anxious about out of necessity, or about learning to cycle/drive in general, that would be super helpful ❤️

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

im afraid i don't have any advice for pushing past anxieties beyond what you're already doing, just keeping trying and showing yourself nothing bad happens. that said in the meantime, if u can afford it, it could be possible to grab a rideshare to & from the train?

[etechie]

On 9/14/2019 at 9:42 AM, •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.• said:

eeeegh 😬 

now i have to qualify this by saying i speak on experience only and not from a place of expertise, so i can't say whether this is a replace-your-hard-drive situation or not, but i can tell you that if it is then in my experience it's more affordable to get a new computer at that point. 

my best advice for your situation honestly is to call a tech support service, like geeksquad or similar, and let them help you figure out what's going on. 

good luck!

^{Oh hai! I I actually  work in information technology, and although it's been a while since I have done actual hardware repair this is a sure sign that your hard drive is dying, and you should reach out to someone local. Also Geek Squad should be your last resort, they are way over priced. But if you can't find anyone better or cheaper, go with them I guess}

[March Hare]

On 9/18/2019 at 11:16 PM, MaiMai said:

To echo what others have said, this is a great concept for a thread! Here's something I'd like to ask, in case anyone has any advice/own experiences:

Dear forum,

I'm starting commuting to university soon, by train, but the train station is a good 40/50 minute walk from where I live. I like walking, but that's gonna be a lot twice a day + two 40 minute train journeys. The thing is, I'm terrified of both cycling and driving, which would really be my only options due to non-existent public transport.   So I was wondering, does anyone have any advice or experience in pushing past anxiety around either of those things? I've started trying to learn to cycle again, but I haven't done it since I was about 12 (when I crashed and afterwards built up a bunch of anxiety around it). As a result I'm progressing suuuper slowly. At first I was too scared to put my feet on the pedals; now that I can do that, I panic as soon as I actually start moving on the bike, forget to pedal and ride into hedges?  As for driving, I've never tried, because for some unknown reason I've had recurring nightmares about having to drive since I was a kid (idk where they originated from). I know I need to try it, but I'm really worried I'll panic, like with cycling, which is more of a problem with a car than with a bike.

So yeah. If anyone has any advice re: pushing past things you're anxious about out of necessity, or about learning to cycle/drive in general, that would be super helpful ❤️

I think you can do two things here:

One: Continue practicing riding your bike. Occasionally in the presence of someone you trust, who will be there in the SOLE capacity of cheerleader.  When you get on the bike? They cheer. You put your feet on the pedals? They cheer. You actually start moving? They do a you're-so-awesome chant. You crash into a hedge? They cheer cos you haven't broken your bike or yourself. They do NOT help you. They just provide positive input. From a distance.

Two: you walk to the train station, but you bring your bicycle along. Every time. You will never leave the house for the station without your bike ever again. You'll get used to holding the thing, to pushing it, to see how it works, to put it away and pick it up again at the end of the day... and in all probability, after a while you'll get annoyed and just get on the damn thing and RIDE.

And then you'll be SO proud. Because this will be a HUGE victory. ❤️

 

[Travel]

Just feeling a bit bummed out, relationships and dating-wise. I had taken a break from actively searching for dates but got back into online dating. It just feels bad to not be able to match up with anyone. That's not how it always is for me, but lately that's the case. I don't really have a way of meeting new people in person right now either. Also, a cousin wanted to introduce me to his sister-in-law but we're barely even talking. It's so weird because on paper we sound like we'd be into each other but she seems to have zero interest in me. 

[•.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.•]

5 hours ago, Travel said:

Just feeling a bit bummed out, relationships and dating-wise. I had taken a break from actively searching for dates but got back into online dating. It just feels bad to not be able to match up with anyone. That's not how it always is for me, but lately that's the case. I don't really have a way of meeting new people in person right now either. Also, a cousin wanted to introduce me to his sister-in-law but we're barely even talking. It's so weird because on paper we sound like we'd be into each other but she seems to have zero interest in me. 

are you looking for advice on how to meet people, or on which dating sites are best for what you're looking for, or on how to be happy without a partner, or on something else related? u forgot to ask a question 😅

im sure any of us will be happy to help once we know what specifically you're looking for advice on

[Travel]

1 minute ago, •.*°•☆. Q .☆•°*.• said:

are you looking for advice on how to meet people, or on which dating sites are best for what you're looking for, or on how to be happy without a partner, or on something else related? u forgot to ask a question 😅

im sure any of us will be happy to help once we know what specifically you're looking for advice on

D'oh, sorry, I guess I could have specified a question. I do have a couple: 

1. How to be happy without a partner or how to not let myself be brought down by all the waiting or lack of results. 

2. What could I be doing wrong in my way of meeting people. 

[March Hare]

5 hours ago, Travel said:

D'oh, sorry, I guess I could have specified a question. I do have a couple: 

1. How to be happy without a partner or how to not let myself be brought down by all the waiting or lack of results. 

2. What could I be doing wrong in my way of meeting people. 

1. Listen to the stories of people in unhappy, boring and/or unhealthy relationships. Or read them - the Internet is full of those. SO MANY problems us single people DO NOT have, ye heavens.

1. (cont.) Ask yourself what you're not having right now, that you would have with a partner. And no, that is NOT obvious. Try it and you'll see. Nothing is ever guaranteed, happiness least of all. What does your life look like NOW? What do you do for a living? What do you do for fun? Who are the people in your life? How are you working on becoming the person you want to be? Get those straight first.

2. You're not doing all of the above yet. Or not enough. Do all of the above, and call me in the morning then... well, then first tell us what that was like. Then we'll see.