Bad/stupid jokes

[Chanel_no5]

Okay, I know I share my preference for stupid jokes and bad puns with some people here, and I was so sure there was a thread for bad jokes already but I couldn't find it.

Anyway. Today I purchased a Garfield-comic, and the jokes section made me laugh so hard I've been wailing for the past half an hour! Seriously! And the jokes aren't even good, but I really want to share them with my fellow bad pun-likers.

Which animal occupies houses? The occupanther.

Which animal is used for phone calls? The telephant.

Last Christmas, little Archie got a pyjamas that was so loud he had to sleep with earplugs.

I know, they're horrible, but come on now, share your horrible jokes!!

[TheCakeIsAlive]

For some reason the first thing that comes to mind is about Viking hats... and it's not really a joke but more a remark that someone made.

When you wear them... one could say you're horny...

[Chanel_no5]

Ahahahahahahaha, I LOVE it!!!!

[Kiwifruit]

Those jokes are so bad, they aren't even punny...

[Chanel_no5]

*sigh* No, I agree... they're just puny.

[NameTaken]

What do you call a woman balancing two drinks on her head? Beatrix!!

...Like "Beer-tricks"? Anybody?...No?...

[Joal 555]

Which animal is used for phone calls? The telephant.

Surely an elephant makes trunk calls....

[Giant Steps]

This thread is punderful!

[Joal 555]

This thread is punderful!

......and full of pun-ch lines

[MystermanX]

here's some:)

vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[snuffle-bunny]

Two goldfish in a tank...one turns to the other and says, "Can you drive this thing?"

What do you call a woman setting fire to a pile of bills? Bernadette.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas.

[count tiszula]

Ah, nothing like a ludicrously involved set up leading to a really weak pun; however, for now, one told me by my nonagenarian father;

Q Why were the American troops so keen to inspect Saddam Hussein's mouth?

A They were looking for weapons of mastication.

Then there was the investor in the Abbey National building society who said when they were taken over by Santander; "I didn't expect the Spanish acquisition!"

[AppleBlossom]

I find blonde jokes amusing, mainly because one of my friends doesn't get them. We just laugh at her, and she is not even blonde! :L

How do you kill a fish? Drown it.

[snuffle-bunny]

Why does Edward Woodward have four 'd's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar!

[Chanel_no5]

Oh God I love these puns, I'm laughing my ASS off!!

This is an old one but it cracks me up every time:

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?

- A stick.

[Joal 555]

Nostalgia - it isn't what it used to be....

You'd be paranoid if everyone was out to get you....

I used to be good at procrastinating but I keep putting it off now.....

[snuffle-bunny]

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

[Just Older]

This is a one-liner you have to tell to a friend. A half-stranger wouldn't appreciate it.

"One day, a man walked into a bar," *slap your friend's head with your palm* "Ouch"

[Wishing]

Two friends having a conversation:

First friend: Ouch, I think something's blocking one of my ears.

Second friend: What?

Sign on the roadside near a farm: "Manure, £1.50 a bag. Do it yourself, 50p"

Sign at the Psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us....we'll call you"

Headline in the morning paper: "Police Station toilet stolen during the night. Cops have nothing to go on...."

[retrofan191]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[count tiszula]

A recent one I enjoyed, I believe surfaced on twitter.....

It seems Imogen Thomas's musical career is flourishing; I hear she's had gigs in a lot of very posh hotels.

[SusieQusie]

What do Hippies do?

They hold up your leggies.

How do you wake Lady Gaga up in the the morning?

POKE her face! (poker face)

[Blah!?]

An owl and a squirrel are standing on a tree branch, looking into a window and watching a man beat his wife. The squirrel turns to the owl and says nothing because it is a squirrel and cannot talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is one of its natural predators.

A blind man with a seeing eye dog walks into a store. He approaches the counter and then picks up the dog and swings it around. The clerk says "What are you doing?!" The blind man replies "Nothing, just looking around."

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released into a nearby park.

[snuffle-bunny]

Vincent van Goch walks into a bar. The barman says, "Hey, Vincent, you want a pint?" Vincent replies, "No thanks, I've got one 'ere."

[Rhomberg Rabbit]

"So the Indian sayeth, 'that was no antelope but rather my squaw.' Nay, but seriously Brethren."

Heard a song on the radio called "Telephone Road." When it was over the DJ said you should never open a business on a street called Telephone Road because they tend to go into receivership.

Used to pass a tailor shop called "Ah Sew" I thought it was funny